Is this sexual harrassment/inappropriate relationship between Executive and coworker?

[barbwire911]

I was having some personal issues at work with an ex boyfriend (I had an affair) and i was brought to my directors office (he is 5 levels above me) as I was requesting a transfer to another floor/ branch in the same building. The Director and I talked and I was really emotional. He was very helpful to me even cancelling his meetings and avoiding phone calls so I could remain in his office yet i indicated multiple times I was ready to leave but he kept saying to stay. I requested a transfer to another branch (I did not want to go to the other branch and stated this to him however I also felt I needed to go as of the anger my ex felt towards me) and went on my way (transfer request was due to these problems I was having). So he facilitated that. I should note this man keeps his wedding ring on all the time and when he did speak of his spouse it is positive stuff to to others yet that day in his office, he suddenly started telling me he and his wife fought alot and he believed we, as humans are not meant to be with the same person forever. He asked for a hug and told me flirting at work was ok but to be discreet and he did not think spouses needed to know everything and spouses deserved lives outside of each other. It was all very bizarre how he just began stating all this to me out of the blue and I felt a little awkward with the hug but I pushed it out of my mind as he has a great reputation and I chalked it up to me being so emotional. He told me I should call him to go for coffee and I brushed that off thinking "I am not calling some Director 5 levels above me for coffee and he must just be saying that out of courtesy...)

He started sending me emails at work to visit him more often and "not to be a stranger." Alot of emails. I responded to some and brushed the others off as him being friendly but I did not go see him.

 

Then 6 weeks later he sees me and says for me to come see him in his office so I go. He starts saying how he was thinking of me that morning wondering how I was so I told him I was much better. So he told me how great I looked and then how I must have tons of guys looking at me and how if he was my deskmate, he would not even be looking at anyone else. Then he tells me to book us in for lunch on his calender and reiterated that we should go for coffee. Again he hugged me and said "wow...look at you..." I was going on vacation so he asked me for my personal email address as he asked if there is anyway to get a hold of me while away and I also gave him my PIN to add me to BBM which I gave even though I felt weird but given how he is an Executive but i pushed it out as he is very friendly. Also he had heped me to transfer so quickly and I really felt he was like a protective dad to me still. He asked me how I was enjoying the new branch and I said it was not as good as the former one and he told me we needed to keep in touch and he was going to steal me back to his branch along with my friend, who really wanted to come to that dept too. He told me we needed to go to lunch together and told me to choose a date. I chose one 7 weeks in advance as I was going away on vacation and then he was on vacation with his wife afterwards.

 

I go on vacation and he begins texting me and telling me I am so attractive i could be a lingerie model and I am so pretty and when am I returning. So I return and he goes on vacay. His wife works with us but on a different floor. So everyday on his vacay he is texting me and being all flirty saying (he hates seafood) and if he ate it he would expect me to give him mouth to mouth in my car after and odd things like that. He even brought me back hawaiian teas as a present and sent me good morning texts and good night texts. he even said he wanted to take me shopping when he got back and out to drink wine.

 

So this continued and he took me to lunch out of the way where reservations are needed. He texts very contradictory statements one minutes saying his children are a buffer to he and his spouse and then when I get suspicious and ask him what are his real motivations to being so attentive to me, he backs off and says he loves her so much and has no ulterior motives but that we have so much in common and the friendship just developed at a fast rate between he and I. Then once time elapses he goes back to reminding me about discretion in our friendship and being flirtatious. I do not want to rock the boat with this man as he has alot of power and he has been good to me in terms of saying he can "make things happen" for people he likes and he has told me when he has heard he is getting someone in his branch he does not like, he has the ability to "get who he wants" and has "his choice" and if he does not want that person, he makes sure they do not come.

 

He is 12 years older and has 2 older kids and has been married for 24 years. But I find myself questionning whether he is out of line as he is known as the nicest guy and a family man and everyone sees him as this steller employee and once of the nicest managers. Yet he tells me that given all our similarities we are soulmates (yes he texted this) but then, again, when I got a weird feeling and asked him what his motivation with me was, he stated he had no motivation and just wanted to be friends and loved his wife dearly and they had crazy passionate fireworks between them so I had nothing to worry about. I asked him about boundaries ( he said in text (again random statements) he wanted to take me shopping and to drink wine) and he said he keeps work and play separate and "that is why he dislikes texting as he miscommunicates things....but then he sent a whole huge paragraph about how he can carry my shopping bags and help pick colors, etc??? and how some things "look better on a woman than others if you get my point" (he brushed that off and laughed so I just left it) yet while on vacation, he told me marriage changes over the years and he sees his wife more as a companion than anything and she is not interested in sex with him.

 

There are constant contradictions and he always told me we need to keep our friendship discreet and he states he is not a cheater but his wife "does not need to know all he does." Yet he says his wife laughs at all the secret women friends he apparently has. Now I am not sure what the truth is but I have caught him in so many contradictions. But he told me she has no idea we have lunches together or text.

 

So does anyone have any experience with this? he touches my arm when talking and flirts alot and told me if he was single he would ask me out and then proceeded to tell me how he would have asked me and when it would have been. he did admit he felt chemistry but then said he was able not to cheat because he keeps me compartamentalized from other components of his life and he believes me and women can be friends without complications.

 

I just find the secrecy (he says he does not lie to his wife but just does not tell her everything and he does not keep secrets but is not an open book either) and even when we return to work from lunches, we have to enter the building separately. He just says he has to go to his car for a minute and he will see me later but I know it is because he wants to enter alone to avoid being seen together.

 

My friends think I was in a vulnerable state and he latched onto that and "poached" me. Keep in mind nothing physical has happened at all. He has hugged me though but that is it. And he reminds me to just be discreet.

 

IS this all weird or just he is very friendly? I am confused as this man has the best reputation. Sorry for how long this is. There are way more details but it would be too long. If I even mentioned another male he told me it makes him jealous but then he stated he was just joking. If I point out something, even good, another male did, he competes and says things like "well I do this and that....etc."

 

Anyways my work caught his texts as a corporate BB is what he was using and has now launched an investigation into his activities and now he avoids me like the plague. He told me to remember, when I am interviewed, that he was just a good friend that came along at a time when I was in a rough spot. Yet I was already transferred to another branch and doing well when he actually really started to full on email me full blast and ask me out to lunches, etc. So that timeframe does not even match. Anyways I know see this friendship was not real and I believe, unless there are other opinions, he was after something more. After the security dept caught his texts we went to Starbucks and I said "as if they think we would have an affair" and he said "yeah I think by now I would know if you wanted to have sex with me" and I said "um yeah but why would we do that as we are friends?" And then he avoided me and became really nasty calling me and saying I was nothing to him and he owed me nothing and everyone loved him as he was and his wife loved him and he did not need me. It was a very odd thing for a friend to do out of nowhere. Then he told me there was likely no man for me and I would be alone forever. He has become very very nasty stating I ruined his career and future and "I had better tell the truth (i think the truth as he wants me to state it) in the interview."

[stillafool]

This guy has absolutely NO RESPECT for you. Probably because you were involved in an affair he thinks you have loose morals and are an easy lay. I can't believe you would let him get away with all the inappropriate texting, lunches and conversation. You should have shut him down immediately. It would seem that since you had just gotten out of an inappropriate affair you would be very cautious not to let anything close to that happen to you again. However you still forgot boundaries as if you had learned nothing.

[d0nnivain]

It's not sexual harassment yet but this guy is crossing all sorts of lines.

 

You need to keep & print out every communication you have with this guy. Hold them for safekeeping.

 

Now you need to do something difficult. The next time you see him, point blank tell him that while you appreciate his personal interest in you, his behavior is making you uncomfortable & you want to go back to being boss / employee with no discussions that do not pertain to company operations.

 

In that pile of paper you are keeping make a note of the day of this discussion.

 

If he reaches out again, you respond, "When we spoke privately in your office on March 12, I thought I made it clear that these types of statements by you are unwelcome and that they were to stop. If I get another one, it and all of the past ones will be shared with HR & your wife."

[preraph]

Your situation triggered various things in him. He empathized, he was attracted, he felt then he could share his situation, and he was trying to help, so he just jumped right off into a lot of involvement. I think you tell him you appreciate his support and that now you feel you are back on your feet again want to just get back to a professional relationship with him and on the job in general. You could even tell him if you were his wife, you wouldn't want him getting quite so involved with a woman from work. His whole emphasis has been on being discreet and he's probably hoping you would go along with that while having a fling with him, but it sounds like if he knew that wasn't going to happen, he might just back off and behave himself.