contacting the ex. Is it a safe thing to do?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

If its been years and you've moved on is contacting an ex safe? I kind of like the idea of being friends with an ex but wonder if its a fatal mistake. How have other peoples experiences pan out and what worked and what didn't work?

[acrosstheuniverse]

What are your motivations? Do you have an ex in mind or do you just like the idea of being friends with 'an ex'? If it's one guy in particular, why are you not already friends? If it's just 'an ex', why do you have this idea you want to try it? Feels a bit unfair to whichever guy it is, a bit impersonal like you just want to add 'an ex' to your friendship circle to see how it feels.

 

I am not friends with the two guys who left me and really broke my heart, too painful. But I'm kinda friends with my first serious four year boyfriend, well 'friends' is a bit strong, we'd never meet up, and our interacting is limited to the occasional facebook conversation about music. We were together four years and split just over four years ago, we are both really into the same music not many other people are so we talk now and then online about different albums coming out, if I saw him on the street I'd stop and say hello but that's about it really. I think exes can be friends but it depends on so many factors, such as both people's attitudes towards ex friendships, their new partners' feelings on the matter, why it ended, how long it's been since they split, so many other things. Generally I think it's not a great idea for so many reasons and although many people have friendly relationships with exes, will say hello out and about, it can be a bit messy I think if you're still going out of your way to see each other in person, talking about your personal lives, sometimes you haven't really completely disengaged. Generally exes fade into insignificance to make way for new relationships.

 

Often there needs to be a gap between ending the relationship and reestablishing contact too, to allow for hurt feelings to dissipate and lives to move on. But when contact is made again it often leads to questions as to 'why now?' and new partners may not always be on board. Gotta really question your own motives to make sure it's not for some ulterior motive.

[d0nnivain]

There's no point. If it happens organically because you get thrown together, that is one thing. To reach out will only cause trouble. The new SO does not want the EX in the picture on any level.

[writergal]

I can't say it's a fatal mistake because I don't know what your relationship with your ex was like when you two dated.

 

But in general I don't recommend staying friends with your ex, for any other reason than they live in another state or country and it's been years since you've seen or heard from them.

 

There has to be a HUGE gap of time between the breakup and the next time that you see them, for any kind of friendship to work. At least from my own experience.

[TrevorDia]

I can't say it's a fatal mistake because I don't know what your relationship with your ex was like when you two dated.

 

But in general I don't recommend staying friends with your ex, for any other reason than they live in another state or country and it's been years since you've seen or heard from them.

 

There has to be a HUGE gap of time between the breakup and the next time that you see them, for any kind of friendship to work. At least from my own experience.

 

I completely agree with this statement.

 

As someone who is currently going through a "friends with ex" situation, I'll briefly outline the details.

- We were dating for about a year, up until about 2 years ago.

- At which point, she broke up with me. She was right to do so, we'd gone long-distance and it wasn't working out. Didn't stop it hurting though. Like, physically hurting, I got takotsumo cardiomyopathy after the breakup.

- Whenever she was around for the next year, we were friends-with-benefits, in that when she came into town we'd get together.

- And when we started seeing other people, we went from friends with benefits to just friends

 

So for the past year we've been "just friends", but we still talk almost every day.

And every so often we get to this really difficult spot - and it happens every time one of us is dating and the other is not. For example, last month (and currently), she was the "bit on the side" to some guy's relationship, and there had been times when I wondered why she's settling for that when she could have been with me. Of course, being the fool I am, I asked her that almost verbatim... Her response was... well, it was basically "because I wanna **** that guy, and I only love you as a friend".

And being friends, I have to put up the act that I'm fine with some guy using my friend and ex but not committing to her. But I can't tell her that because then I come off as a psycho.

 

Then I started dating this lass I recently met, and now my ex is no longer seeing that guy and she's wondering why I never talk to her anymore.

 

Being friends with an ex is very hard work... I wouldn't recommend it unless you have a good reason. Or unless you have a deathwish.

My reason was that she's now living in another country.