Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I met this awesome guy two months ago. The dynamic was really intense physically and I'm sure it was mutual. It began with us hanging out all the time and things seemed pretty mutual conversationally and in all other realms. On the 1st of the month, he had me over to his apartment. I met his roommates and we hit it off really well. We made plans that day (Sunday ) to hang out on Tuesday, when I texted him on Tuesday night to see if we were still on, he said he had an early morning so "probably not". I waited til Friday, still no word from him, I texted him wishing him a good weekend and asking if he had any free time, he said he had a sporting event that weekend. I waited till the following wednesday (yesterday), still he hasn't reached out to me, I sent him a cute picture and said "thinking of ya. how ya doing stud? I got the week off." No response. I'm so confused that somebody could go hot to cold so quickly. I'm recently out of a four year relationship so I lack the experience of dating. I'm not sure what went wrong. I'm 24 hes 21. How should I proceed? Do you guys think he's really lost interest? Prior to the first he was texting me all the time saying stuff like "wish i were with you" and "I cant wait to have sex with you" (while knowing I dont have sex outside of relationships). How should I proceed? Do you think he will text back? I hate games but I will play them if I have too. Any advice is greatly appreciated as I'm new to the dating thing.
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Sweetie, you are texting him way too much.. have too many expectations and I suspect it has turned him off. When he canceled the date with you last Tuesday, that was your cue to back off. Instead, you continued to text him, asking to see him over the weekend (again he was "busy")...and then you text him AGAIN sending him a cute pic. Had you left him ALONE after he broke the date with you last Tuesday, he may have realized you were a cool, independent chick and wanted to see you again. But you didn't, and he is clearly turned off now. Leave him alone and move on... lesson learned for next time. 4
Author Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Thank you, I just didnt think 3 texts in 10 days was over the top, but lesson learned.
Author Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 do you think I have spoiled things entirely, or is there still hope if I leave it alone?
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 At two months you should know what you have, and here you have nothing, the guy pulled a disappearing act, sorry.
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I met this awesome guy two months ago. The dynamic was really intense physically and I'm sure it was mutual. It began with us hanging out all the time and things seemed pretty mutual conversationally and in all other realms. On the 1st of the month, he had me over to his apartment. I met his roommates and we hit it off really well. We made plans that day (Sunday ) to hang out on Tuesday, when I texted him on Tuesday night to see if we were still on, he said he had an early morning so "probably not". I waited til Friday, still no word from him, I texted him wishing him a good weekend and asking if he had any free time, he said he had a sporting event that weekend. I waited till the following wednesday (yesterday), still he hasn't reached out to me, I sent him a cute picture and said "thinking of ya. how ya doing stud? I got the week off." No response. I'm so confused that somebody could go hot to cold so quickly. I'm recently out of a four year relationship so I lack the experience of dating. I'm not sure what went wrong. I'm 24 hes 21. How should I proceed? Do you guys think he's really lost interest? Prior to the first he was texting me all the time saying stuff like "wish i were with you" and "I cant wait to have sex with you" (while knowing I dont have sex outside of relationships). How should I proceed? Do you think he will text back? I hate games but I will play them if I have too. Any advice is greatly appreciated as I'm new to the dating thing. In the first couple of months, you should be in the receptive mode only. He initiates, you respond. Keep it balanced. One for one for a while. Let him come to you. Once in a while you could send a lightly flirty text, non sexual (reference to stud is suggestive at least) to demonstrate interest, but don't initiate or suggest getting together. If you text anything that's about sexual innuendo, that just fuels the interest on his part to pursue for sex. Him texting you I wish I were with you without suggesting a specific plan for it, is simply testing to see if you're still interested, at best. Him saying I can't wait to have sex with you, knowing you don't want sex until you're exclusive at least), is disrespectful and pushy. Don't entertain those kinds of calls or texts in anyway. Ignore them. He's already flaked on you once. You had a specific plan for getting together and he bailed. If you still want to see him now, you let him contact you and it needs to be about a specific plan for getting together at an event or for dinner. Do not accept a date at his home. Guys who run hot and cold are generally just looking for some action. They are usually dating a couple of women. They are hot with you when the others aren't available. When the others are available, he's cold with you. If/when he becomes consistent and calling you regularly to set up dates and doesn't bring up sex, then I'd be a little more comfortable in seeing him. Otherwise, don't wait for his calls or texts. Go out and date others and enjoy them. Don't waste any emotional energy on this one. Men who are truly interested in you and serious about seeing you, will pursue you consistently and respectfully. 2
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 do you think I have spoiled things entirely, or is there still hope if I leave it alone? Hard to say. Just leave him alone, attempt to move on and see what happens. And no three texts in ten days is not too much, as long as HE is reciprocating, expressing interest and continuing to ask you out! Not breaking dates, not rescheduling, and ignoring you! When a man starts treating you that way, you back off and leave him alone. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Hard to say. Just leave him alone, attempt to move on and see what happens. And no three texts in ten days is not too much, as long as HE is reciprocating, expressing interest and continuing to ask you out! Not breaking dates, not rescheduling, and ignoring you! When a man starts treating you that way, you back off and leave him alone. I agree with most of what you saying. But, she should not be initiating anything right now that he needs to reciprocate, especially with this guy. It's her job to reciprocate when he comes to her with something. This guy hasn't done anything right. If he were, I would say that a couple of texts from her in ten days is ok. However, the content of the texts she's sent was about her initiating getting together and sexually suggestive,albeit minor. Those texts should have been very light, "how was your day" or something like that. If he responds and wants to keep the conversation going, that's OK, as long as the tone remains light from him as well. The woman is always in the receptive mode. It's not the man who is reciprocating.
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Well, after 10 days without a peep out of him, much less a date, he's not just running hot n' cold. Like they say on Star Trek, "He's dead Jim!"
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I agree with most of what you saying. But, she should not be initiating anything right now that he needs to reciprocate, especially with this guy. It's her job to reciprocate when he comes to her with something. This guy hasn't done anything right. If he were, I would say that a couple of texts from her in ten days is ok. However, the content of the texts she's sent was about her initiating getting together and sexually suggestive,albeit minor. Those texts should have been very light, "how was your day" or something like that. If he responds and wants to keep the conversation going, that's OK, as long as the tone remains light from him as well. The woman is always in the receptive mode. It's not the man who is reciprocating. You misunderstood... not now...it's over with this guy! I meant while they were dating, if she wants to send him a text, he should text her back .. or if she wants to invite him somewhere, he should accept! That's what I meant by reciprocating. While they were dating. Hell no, not now.. right now she needs to leave him alone and move on!
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Well, after 10 days without a peep out of him, much less a date, he's not just running hot n' cold. Like they say on Star Trek, "He's dead Jim!" You're probably right, "Scotty". But, I wouldn't be surprised if if this particular guy does contact her again at some point. Even if a girl only sends one even remotely sexual text or makes a comment, he will come back around at some point if his other wells are running dry. Even if only for an ego boost to see if she's still thinking about him at all. 1
MGX Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You're probably right, "Scotty". But, I wouldn't be surprised if if this particular guy does contact her again at some point. Even if a girl only sends one even remotely sexual text or makes a comment, he will come back around at some point if his other wells are running dry. Even if only for an ego boost to see if she's still thinking about him at all. That's more like "Bones" than "Scotty". Just sayin'...
Author Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 well lol, to complicate things even more, we're both boys and he's a busy college student majoring in a hard science and is captain of a sports team. it could be hes just busy. its hard to delegate roles in these situations.
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 darnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a rocket scientist! 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Yeah 3 texts over 10 days isn't too much for being 2 months in.... He pulled a hoodini on you.
Author Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 i wish i didnt text him yesterday, but i cant change the past
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You misunderstood... not now...it's over with this guy! I meant while they were dating, if she wants to send him a text, he should text her back .. or if she wants to invite him somewhere, he should accept! That's what I meant by reciprocating. While they were dating. Hell no, not now.. right now she needs to leave him alone and move on! Even while they were dating. For the first couple of months, I'd let the man text first or call first almost all the time. At best, I'd wait for him to call or text say 2-3 times to one of mine depending on the guy. And, if I had texted once and he didn't respond, I wouldn't do it again first for quite some time. I also wouldn't initiate dates either. I just let them know my plans during the week in a casual way so they know what day to ask me out on When he does call or text, I respond in a way that shows him I'm clearly interested so he isn't left guessing or waiting for me to text or call as a way for him to gauge my interest in him. I'm interested in what he has to say when he calls, I'm let him know I'm happy to hear from him, I ask questions, I offer info about my schedule (so he knows when I'm available to see him and it's his job to ask me out during one of those times). And, if he's doing pretty much the same thing, I don't feel the need to ping him with texts because I'm wondering if he's likes me, etc. Oftentimes, when a woman isn't getting a good vibe from a man because he doesn't call her when she hopes he will or the tone of a conversation makes her question things, she feels the need to ping him and draw him out because of insecurity especially in the beginning. After the guy demonstrates consistency and his interest level is clear to the woman, then she can and should reach out first a little more often but not over do it. Guys are sensitive to neediness and clinginess. It doesn't take much. Balance is key in communicating with new dating prospects. Follow his lead in a balanced way in the beginning. Over time, if he's really serious, he'll be doing more and so will she.
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) well lol, to complicate things even more, we're both boys and he's a busy college student majoring in a hard science and is captain of a sports team. it could be hes just busy. its hard to delegate roles in these situations. No, it isn't . It's a dating scenario, one person asks the other out first. They are the pursuers . . . the other is the one being chased. If you want to know how serious he is . . . let him come to you. I'm sure the same basic possible scenarios exists between two guys. Some guys will pursue just because they want sex, some guys will pursue because they want something serious. I'd apply the same principles here Edited March 12, 2015 by Redhead14 1
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Yeah 3 texts over 10 days isn't too much for being 2 months in.... He pulled a hoodini on you. It's only too much inasmuch as those three texts were sent AFTER it was clear he was backing off. barcode, I know you agree that when someone breaks a date and does not attempt to reschedule = disinterest. Then to ignore yet another text indicates it's probably over. So for the OP to have sent a third text? Bad move ... almost stalkerish-like! I am sorry OP...but again, lesson learned. He may be back though when he is horny, but I wouldn't fall for it. Unless you're up for just some sex, which you might be....your call on that one.
preraph Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You don't keep texting when someone hasn't texted back on a text that needed a reply. 1
Arieswoman Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 OP, it doesn't matter about genders. In my experience, relationships that start off with a bang usually fizzle out pretty quickly. What you should be looking for is a slow burn.... "Early ripe, early rotten", as they say.... 1
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Redhead, in all my long term relationships (three), including my current (5+ years), it was both of us taking the initiative...both of us reciprocating, both of us "pursuing" each other..... pretty much from the get go. And it's always worked out well for me. All those men wanted to marry me (including my current)... so I must be doing something right. But I respect your way too...if that's what works for you and what you're comfortable with, far be it for me to disagree. Different strokes and all that...
Author Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 cool thanks guys. also, just to clarify, hes never ignored me until yesterday. Its not like i didnt get texts back for the first two.
Author Ouchouchouch Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 i was blinded by how intense it was, that i didnt even realize he was backing off. i feel like such a fool right now. Assuming he does text me again (i have a feeling he will) in the next couple days or weeks, am I too ignore him? I ****ing hate games, but I don't want to be perceived as expendable. What would you guys do?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 i wish i didnt text him yesterday, but i cant change the past It's only too much inasmuch as those three texts were sent AFTER it was clear he was backing off. barcode, I know you agree that when someone breaks a date and does not attempt to reschedule = disinterest. Then to ignore yet another text indicates it's probably over. So for the OP to have sent a third text? Bad move ... almost stalkerish-like! I am sorry OP...but again, lesson learned. He may be back though when he is horny, but I wouldn't fall for it. Unless you're up for just some sex, which you might be....your call on that one. No I agree... The third text wasn't really needed. But it wasn't a "bad move" IMO... The relationship was already over, so it was somewhat irrelevant. The OP didn't do anything wrong that drove this guy away, he just lost interest/disappeared. And if you have the right person, you won't need to play games like stop texting for 5 days and play hard to get, which in my frank opinion is bull****. Especially for being 2 months in. 1
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