Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Another stupid fight at the end of a loving day. I've been dating an amazing woman but the insecurity, effects of past relations and emotional roller coaster at really weighing me down. She tells me that she loves me, talks about our future, hopes, dreams, we do fun things together, have amazing sex, share hobbies and projects, are good to each others kids etc...all well and good. She is also emotionally fragile and one missed word, look or tone can shift the mood and ruin an entire night. Arguments last forever with tons of crying - even after I say I am sorry and try to smooth things over. She is brutally honest and at times can be down right mean when she is angry. She wears her emotions on her sleeve so a bad night and she goes to work looking like ****. Its the best of times worst of times kind of thing and its draining me. We haven't talked in 24 hours and I am thinking about pulling the plug...it will be a huge mistake but I feel that I am slipping away emotionally as it is.
Stercrazy Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Relationships should be "work" however it should be fun work. To be honest she sounds bipolar. The insecurity and the level and depth of her mood swings are red flags. Maybe you guys should take a break for a bit? She needs to gain insight into herself and so do you. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I think something is going on also. I know she has had periodic issues with depression. She actively participates in several self help / wellness events at the womens center and does things that are good for her spirit (yoga etc). She also sees a life coach every few weeks. All of which I fully support because she enjoys it and it is good for her She is amazing in many many respects but one wrong thing on my part and I am in for a sleepless night...hours and hours of tears. She recently told me that her mom has used to say that she is too emotional...I now know what she means.
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 the insecurity, effects of past relations and emotional roller coaster at really weighing me down. I get that. Is she like this with her friendships, or just her romantic relationships? She is also emotionally fragile and one missed word, look or tone can shift the mood and ruin an entire night. Arguments last forever with tons of crying even after I say I am sorry and try to smooth things over. She is brutally honest and at times can be down right mean when she is angry. She wears her emotions on her sleeve so a bad night and she goes to work looking like ****. Hours and hours of tears on her part when conflict arises is obviously not a healthy coping mechanism. Did her parents spoil her as a child? Is she an only child? Is she used to getting her way with everyone? Would you qualify her mood swings as the adult version of a child's tantrum? How old are you both? Is it possible that your girlfriend is perimenopausal? That can cause terrible mood swings like irrational anger, depression, sadness, etc. and it can last for up to 4 years unfortunately. Think about it. 4 years of hormonal imbalance and uncontrollable mood swings. It's like being stuck in PMS-mode for 4 years. Not every woman's perimenopause will last that long but it's the average amount of time. And if it's not hormonal changes or a thyroid problem at the root cause of your girlfriend's wild mood swings, then it could be related to work or life stress, or it could be just how she relates to the world. If you're tired of dealing with it, and you've tried to be the best boyfriend that you can, then I think you should break up with her. There's no reason for you to continuously suffer in a relationship like that; to bear the brunt of her emotional problems on a constant day-to-day basis. And it wouldn't be a mistake either if it's in your best interest. I dated a guy with bipolar depression and there were so many problems, I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. I felt a little guilty about it but deep down I knew it was the best choice for me. He's happily married now anyway to another woman (who happens to be a psychiatrist if you can believe that). 1
central Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Such a relationship would be too much drama for me. And having to watch every little word and gesture would wear me out very fast. To me, no one is worth that level of anxiety and it would make me depressed if I tried. I found that there are many great women who want good men. If you are a good man, you'll find someone more compatible if you are actively looking. Don't settle for someone with this level of issues.
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 When its good its great but it can change on a dime. I've gone out of my way to try and resolve fights and diffuse tension (this is out of character for me since I used to be stubborn - before meeting her) but it does no good at all. She will cry and sulk all night. Which kills me. She is not an only child but is in her mid 40's. She has been having wicked hot flashes at night for several months now so pre menopause is not out of the question. She recently changed jobs and has a teenaged daughter she worries about plus an irresponsible son in college that she has a strained relationship with. Honestly she has very few close friends.
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Things like this seem to be happening more lately. We have even been reading a couples self help book together (Hold me Tight). I find it very informative about how / why we react to triggers and situations. Regardless it has done very little to make a difference. When she gets upset its like the entire mood changes, I shut down or get pissy because I know whats coming and then its a long sleepless, tear filled night. She dated a guy before me who drove her to an emotional breakdown which led to depression and therapy. Regardless, I am not that guy. I am not perfect but I have my stuff together. She is the only woman I ever met where I felt that we were equals and challenged each other spiritually, sexually etc...unfortunately it may be too good to be true.
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Otter I think you just uncovered the causes of your girlfriend's problems: -Her age: pre-menopause or menopause (ask her to get checked for that, she can take vitamins and supplements to offset the terrible crying jags and mood swings). It can last for a few years, so it's not something that will disappear until her hormonal changes stop. -no support system of close girlfriends -irresponsible college-aged son and teenager daughter (being a single parent is no easy task because it's a 24/7 job) -job change Now you need to decide if you want to stay and deal with these ongoing issues. Her job change stress should disappear after a few months. But I don't think she'll stop worrying about her 2 children. And her pre-menopause or menopause will stop when her body decides it's time. Meanwhile, everyone around her will suffer because the side effects cause the irrational anger, etc. If you want to break up with her, then do it and don't feel guilty about it. You have to do what's best for you. 1
Zapbasket Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Your thread strikes a chord in me because what you say about your gf is what I'm afraid my exes would say about me--both the good and the bad. And, my mother has always called me "emotional" and treats me like I'm crazy, or a child. I am a very emotionally expressive person, a thinker, a verbalizer, and I am very passionate. I know with all of my exes, I got furious with them after a while, and certainly let loose on them occasionally with a silver tongue. The reason I'm replying to your thread is not to discourage you from breaking up with her, but to encourage you to look at things from all possible angles before you give up the relationship--especially given you say things can be so good. I know for me, it took a long time--at least a year into the relationship--before I finally blew up at my boyfriends. And every time it was because of an accrual of feeling neglected or dismissed or disrespected, where I'd tried to communicate calmly to them how I felt and was told either that I was making "a big deal out of nothing" or was being "oversensitive" or being "difficult." And these weren't little things: 1) One ex openly hit on a woman at a party; at first I tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal but it really threw me off kilter so I finally said something and he said he was "practicing" and dismissed my concern. This was after a string of instances where he would say inappropriate things to other women and the behavior pattern was making me uncomfortable. 2) Another ex and I were taking our first shower together, just days after being intimate for the first time, and he joked that he was peeing on me while he peed into the drain. Since I thought he was actually peeing ON me, I pulled back and got upset, and he told me to be quiet and I was overreacting. Peeing in the shower wasn't what I disapproved of, it was the whole way he went about it, joking that he was peeing on me while waving his d*ck at me that felt really rude and disrespectful. Finally, after months of continued behavior of this, I blew my lid at every single ex, basically telling them all about themselves. I'm sure to them it seemed irrational, maybe even crazy, but on my end I had just reached the peak of my frustration. It doesn't excuse my behavior and I'm working on never reacting in that way again, but that anger didn't just come out of nowhere, or only out of MY own issues. I say all of this to encourage you to ask yourself if there might be something she's been trying to tell you about how she feels, and you're dismissing her feelings, perhaps without meaning to do so. I know this was the case with my exes; frankly, what I should have done instead of getting mad was to leave the relationships because my experience of each of those men was...void. If this doesn't strike a chord in you, then ignore. 2
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Green, you certainly discouraged me from peeing in the shower LOL We are approaching a year into our relationship and it seems we have more run ins than we used to. Its usually over something inconsequential like a tone or a remark. Like the other night when we were cuddling and laughing in bed. I made what I thought was a ridiculous comment and there went the entire night. Write, you have several valid points. All of which I am supportive of. I am going to see if she wont go to the doctor for a check up also. Another thing I realized is how she talks to me when she is upset. Her tone and demeanor change dramatically. I usually end up feeling angry and lash back which makes her louder. Then I feel beaten down so I make a snyd comment then withdraw and shut her out. The other day however she talked to me normally about something I do that bothered her. We had a great conversation and resolved to work it out.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I couldn't take the constant mood swings, walking on eggshells and drama if I were you. I would walk away and wish her well. Life is too short for that s-i-!
mightycpa Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 it will be a huge mistake not to hear you tell it, it won't. 1
sabd Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Don't know if I'd be able to deal with those moods swings and having to walk on eggshells all the time. If you can't be yourself in a relationship then it's not worth much. As you say, you are feeling weighed down and drained as result of her behaviour and that's obviously not good for you. I think she needs to seek help to stabilise her moods. Otherwise, you're going to go insane trying to cope with ups and downs. That's if you don't pull the plug now, which only you can decide on. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Trust me, there is so much genuine goodness and love that its not as easy as I make it sound. I dated a crazy woman before and although the sex was wild it was still crazy. It only took a few months to realize this and I was gone. Putting up with crap is not my specialty. Its getting to a point here where something has to change though. If its a stress / hormonal change and vitamins or what ever will help then I can work with that or at least take the steps necessary. 1
sabd Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 If its a stress / hormonal change and vitamins or what ever will help then I can work with that or at least take the steps necessary. Great! Sounds like a trip to the doc is in order then ... Good luck.
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Thank you! At least if I do this, I know I gave it everything I have and can walk away with no regrets. 1
JPMC Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Otter, pull the plug. It's charming now, but she'll drive you crazy. Show me a hot looking chick and I'll show you a guy that's sick of banging her. Seriously, look at Halle Barry. BS crazy. Sounds like your girl. 1
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 And if her behavior can't be linked to hormonal changes, I'd say grab your parachute and JUMP out of that relationship, Otter. It's time to pull the rip chord if there's no way to help her fix her irrational mood swings.
JPMC Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Otter, SO from other post? Why I'm not with her Rash Indecisive Overanalytical Always a crisis Couldn't let things go Hypersensitive Insecure Low Self Esteem Basically an emotional child. That's what you're dealing with. They're great in bed, can be fun, great; conversationalists. But, they're like abused dogs, they can snap at any time. It's better to live without great sex than it is to live with the stress of someone like this. And it's not pre menopausal They don't change. Her mother has said it. Can you imagine what a drama queen she must have been as a teenager? Good grief 1
Diezel Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 This is like the beginning of a codependent/BPD relationship. RUN.
Zapbasket Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I just read your other threads about your relationship. It sounds like you have issues, too, that are adversely affecting the outcome of your arguments, the way you two argue, and the cause of your arguments. You could end this relationship but the nature of what you describe suggests you'll have similar issues in any future relationship, albeit perhaps in a different guise, until you take a hard look at what you contribute to this relationship. For one, the drinking. If things have gotten so bad that you're thinking of leaving, then why are either of you drinking? That should stop instantly. Social drinking morphs into something else entirely when it aids and abets arguments. That's not social drinking at all, but a drinking problem. Social drinking is having a cocktail and a glass of wine or two with dinner or a night out with friends and still being cogent while accepting a ride home, or being able to drive home yourself after your buzz has worn off. With social drinking, YOU'RE in control, not the alcohol, because you don't drink enough to lose control. It's a buzz and nothing else. For two, you describe yourself AND your partner as high-spirited and passionate. Perhaps you can be stubborn and do things to fuel arguments. Not saying they're your fault, of course, just that it seems clear that you play a part. And lastly, the fact that you come from a past with alcoholism and verbal abuse. Could this be affecting what kind of partners you choose? Whether you decide to stay in this relationship, this one in particular is something you need to look at. I don't mean to sound like I'm scolding you; I just want you to see the picture that your threads all suggest, and see your role before you cut this relationship off. As I, too, struggle to remember: "Wherever you go, there you are." Nothing sucks more as we go further in life than beginning a new relationship only to realize that the patterns are so much like the previous one. Often it's not a new relationship that is the change we need, but things within ourselves. (And of course, sometimes, too, it's both.) 2
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Thanks for all of your feedback! JPMC - emotional child...you may be onto something here. Today her boss asked what is going on and she broke down crying. My god, i got divorced and almost none of my coworkers knew about it! Green, Thanks for taking the time to go through the threads and compile your thoughts. There was some drinking going on that got out of hand. She has since stopped drinking and ive had 5 beers in total in the last few weeks. Typically I look for women that are fun, outgoing, social, sexy and thoughtful. Believe it or not I do not like people that do drugs, excessive drinking or are rude, obnoxious, irresponsible people. I've recently learned that past issues do directly impact how you react to relationship stresses. I grew up in a verbally abusive home (as we all did LOL). We were always in trouble, yelled at, our opinion was never asked because it did not matter. Today in relationship arguments my reaction is to initially lash out verbally then withdraw and tune out when the yelling becomes verbally overpowering. The real issue is that the accusations, tone, language used makes me feel sad but my behavior says I am mad and not listening to her feelings which of course makes it worse for both of us. Probably common sense to most that the tone and language used with someone directly relates to their behavior and perception. Probably why I talk (or lecture as they say) my kids versus yell at them. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 What I don't get is that in most cases where we have argued we have had some of the most tremendous days / fun times. At worst we should go back home or to the hotel room, climb into bed and snuggle up and get a good night sleep. Reality is that many times she makes a comment, I take it poorly, cop an attitude then we are off to the races. Sometimes I do or say stupid things too. Point being it doesn't seems to take much to set us down this path then its hours of crying and arguing. Alcohol was often involved (previously). Almost every time the issue is stupid and could have easily been diffused if one of us had the good sense to say the right thing with the right tone. 1
spiderowl Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I think you need to try relationship counselling. A counsellor will be able to pick up on destructive patterns. If she is blowing up at nothing, the counsellor will start to pick up on that. If your comments are actually undermining the relationship, despite you thinking them inconsequential, a counsellor should spot that too. It doesn't sound like you've got anything to lose if you are thinking of leaving anyway. Does it feel like you are dealing with two different people? 1
Author Otter2569 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Spider, that is great advise and I will suggest that. Yes at times it is like dealing with two different people. As I mention earlier fights typically happen after some of our best days and evening which I do not understand at all. The other night we were in bed cuddling and laughing. I made a ridiculous / sarcastic comment I thought was funny and it went down hill from there. I also dont understand how someone can cry and sulk for hours on end? I am seeing the routine now. I still fall into the trap and get upset / withdraw but I used to try and resolve the situation soon after it escalated. I hate fighting and would rather talk things out and move on but I have had little success. Now I typically leave the room or go home knowing I am in for an all nighter. The situation is upsetting. It is fair to mention that I have said or done things to contribute or cause a fight but more often it is her. 1
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