tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Thanks in advance to those who take the time to read this post and write a reply. I have an inkling that my new co-worker MAY be quite attracted to me - but also, I could be completely delusional or misreading friendliness for romantic interest, which is why I'm turning here Here are the facts: - He started a few weeks ago, I've been at the company for about five months - I'm guessing he would be mid thirties, I'm early twenties - We are both already taken, and we both know it Here's why I think he *might* be attracted to me: - He seems to find any excuse to talk to me: almost every time he walks past my desk he will make a random comment or ask me something; once I was required to work in a different office in the building for a couple of hours and he came and sought me out twice to ask random questions - He seeks me out on lunch breaks: I am one of the only people who go to a particular spot outside and he has come to join me 10-15 mins later ever since he saw me go out there ... so it's just us two out there talking - He asks me questions about myself: my taste in music, tv shows, books, who I'm close to at work; and shares sort of personal things about himself (how he was in a car accident when he was younger, how stressed he is with work and how he has almost come close to tears because of work crap - He notices when I am upset or agitated and will ask me if I'm okay and what's wrong - If he deals with difficult clients, he will come and tell me all about it and express his frustration - He jokes around with me and seems to find me funny (though he is generally this way with everyone else too) - He 'looks' at me whenever I walk past or nearby - Whenever he sees me he will stop and talk to me, sometimes he will keep walking for a second and then turn around to come back to me Basically we interact A LOT throughout the day and most of it is initiated by him. Our roles are very different but he comes to me for a lot of things (questions, advice, simply to chat, to vent etc). For the record, I find him attractive and charming and he certainly makes work a lot more interesting. We are both attached though so nothing would ever come of it, I was just wondering if he might find me attractive or if I'm completely misreading. Thank you
PegNosePete Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 We are both attached though What does your boyfriend/husband think about you coming to internet forums, saying that you find a co-worker attractive and charming and that he makes your work a lot more interesting, and asking if he is attracted to you as well? I know if I were your bf/h, I would not be happy about this AT ALL. 1
Author tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 So people who are attached aren't allowed to find other people attractive? Actually, my boyfriend and I are very open and honest - if he finds a woman particularly attractive, he's not afraid to say so and vice versa. It's human nature.
PegNosePete Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 That's a total strawman argument. I never said that. Of course you're allowed to find someone attractive, whether you're in a relationship or not. In fact it's human nature, you can't look at an attractive person and not find then attractive. Being in a relationship does not change the nature of what/who we are naturally attracted to. The problem is that you seem to have a rather unhealthy obsession about this guy. Sure you can find him attractive. But what difference does it make to you, if he finds you attractive? That is where the problem is here, for me. That is what I would be annoyed about if I were your BF. Sure you can find people attractive. But acting on that attraction (and musing whether he finds you attractive counts as action to me), is inappropriate. As I said, if I were your BF, I would be pissed. Not because you find a guy attractive, but because you're here asking if we think he finds you attractive too.
Author tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Again, I think even wondering if someone finds you attractive is human nature, and I don't think much harm can come from wondering that (unless it *is* an obsession, but I don't think that applies here). The primary reason I'm even asking for opinions is to work out if I need to 'take a step back' and be a little wary about how I act or respond to him, or if I'm just being silly and shouldn't worry about it. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You should act professionally, respectfully and appropriately for an attached work colleague. Don't worry about him or his feelings, they are his business.
Author tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I haven't posted to this website in ages, thought the whole point was to confide and ask for advice, free from judgement, not to be made to feel like an idiot or a ****ty person. Guess I was wrong... 1
PegNosePete Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 This website is for dating and relationship advice, I am trying to save your relationship here! If you value your BF then you should be more respectful and appropriate with your work relationships. I am not making you feel anything, just pointing out how your own actions are perceived. If you feel bad then it's because of your own actions, not my words. 2
Author tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I understand, but I don't feel that my relationship needs saving, and I also don't feel that I have been anything other than 'respectful and appropriate' with my work relationships. There has never been anything in my words or actions to even hint that I find him attractive. I'm just the kind of person who finds other people fascinating and likes to think about why other people do the things they do. I like to think of myself as a good people-reader, but when it comes to flirting etc I tend to doubt my judgement, as I have never been very savvy when it comes to that sort of thing. I didn't really consider it a big deal.
PegNosePete Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 There has never been anything in my words or actions to even hint that I find him attractive. Except for this: I find him attractive and charming and he certainly makes work a lot more interesting.
kenji_t Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Okay, here's what you want to read: He surely finds you attractive and if you both give it a chance, something will happen. He's acting friendly but yeah, he's got a thing for you. Wanna go for it? And here's the truth: You should take a step back and respect your boyfriend. I'd not mind at all if my wife finds a co-worker attractive, but if it was something like your case (the guy would clearly jump on you if you gave any hint), Yes, I would be pissed if she continued to have this 'friendly talks' with him. Edited March 12, 2015 by kenji_t typo 1
regine_phalange Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Hmm, he certainly seems to have a liking for you, at least as a coworker. I don't know if he has romantic feelings though, he may have, he may have not. I usually know that someone likes me when he seems nervous around me, lingering eye contact after conversation, finds reasons to touch me, smiles with no apparent reason. Have you noticed him doing any of this?
Author tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I meant never anything in my words or actions that would suggest to HIM or anyone else at my place of work, that I find him attractive. Which means I have not been disrespectful or unprofessional.
Author tinydancer93 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Okay, here's what you want to read: He surely finds you attractive and if you both give it a chance, something will happen. He's acting friendly but yeah, he's got a thing for you. Wanna go for it? And here's the truth: You should take a step back and respect your boyfriend. I'd not mind at all if my wife finds a co-worker attractive, but if it was something like your case (the guy would clearly jump on you if you gave any hint), Yes, I would be pissed if she continued to have this 'friendly talks' with him. I really doubt he would 'jump on me' if I gave any hint. He seems like a decent guy and probably would never act on any feelings IF he had them, and more importantly, neither would I. And I'm not seeking permission to "go for it" - I'm not stupid, I know right from wrong, and most importantly I would never hurt my partner like that.
kenji_t Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I really doubt he would 'jump on me' if I gave any hint. He seems like a decent guy and probably would never act on any feelings IF he had them, and more importantly, neither would I. And I'm not seeking permission to "go for it" - I'm not stupid, I know right from wrong, and most importantly I would never hurt my partner like that. So what's your plan?
fitnessfan365 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 What does your boyfriend/husband think about you coming to internet forums, saying that you find a co-worker attractive and charming and that he makes your work a lot more interesting, and asking if he is attracted to you as well? I know if I were your bf/h, I would not be happy about this AT ALL. This sounds like it's coming from a place of insecurity on your part man. It's human nature to find other people attractive and enjoyable to be around. But that doesn't mean your partner lacks integrity or cares about you any less. I've never been the jealous type. In fact, I love it when guys check out the woman I am with, and I see a look of envy on their faces. Can't blame them for enjoying the gifts God gave her. Plus, it's such an ego boost knowing you're with a desirable woman. If you're confident in the fact that you're taking care of her needs, all the male attention in the world won't change her loyalty to you.
SSM3 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I don't think he crushes on you from what you have been saying, he likes you and is just making conversation. There doesn't seem to be any flirtatious behaviour.
PegNosePete Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 This sounds like it's coming from a place of insecurity on your part man. It's human nature to find other people attractive and enjoyable to be around. But that doesn't mean your partner lacks integrity or cares about you any less. You're taking my first post out of context. I've clarified what I meant in my subsequent ones but here it is again. I never said it's wrong to find someone attractive or interesting. In fact I agreed that it's human nature. I would have no problem if my partner told me that she found someone else attractive. What I would believe is wrong, is if she was so interested in finding out whether he had a mutual attraction for her! I would think it's highly inappropriate and disrespectful if my partner made a thread like this one. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I haven't posted to this website in ages, thought the whole point was to confide and ask for advice, free from judgement, not to be made to feel like an idiot or a ****ty person. Guess I was wrong... No one is being judgemental. It's about keeping things in perspective for you. You made this post for a reason and I'm wondering if it's because there is something lacking in your current relationship that is causing you to "seek" a place to have some of the needs you have that aren't being met. You were pretty specific about what you have been observing about your co-worker, i.e. "He notices when I am upset or agitated and will ask me if I'm okay and what's wrong". That is one of the basic needs of a woman . . . being comforted. I'm not saying that's your case, but an example of the kinds of things you might want to be introspective about. It's ok to look at other men if you find them attractive, of course, it's human nature. It's about the fact that you two are interacting on a fairly significant and deep level. The more you do this, the more likely it is that the relationship will become uncomfortable perhaps. My point is, that whether or not your co-worker has a thing for you is irrelevant. I would do as much as you can to manage the situation now that you think he may be interested in you and prevent him from coming closer to you now. Be professional, be polite. You can engage in conversation with him, but keep it light and impersonal. And, yes, he is exhibiting behaviors that suggest he's drawn to you. He's sharing personal information, he's coming to you for advice, he's attempting to spend time with you. Nip it in the bud. 2
SatyaShann Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Do you talk with him when he engages you at lunch? Do you talk with him when he engages you at your desk? Do you talk with him every opportunity he strikes up a conversation? Are your topics of conversation personal in nature? If yes, then you're sending him a signal that you like him. He's a man, and men don't really change their spots about engaging with women. If you think you're respecting your boundaries of already being "attached" then I'm sorry, I disagree. Respecting your boundaries would be telling this coworker diplomatically to hit the road and leave you to your lunch in peace. It would also mean saying that respectfully, you have a boyfriend, and you're not comfortable engaging with a coworker beyond work topics. If your boyfriend were sitting next to you throughout the day while you interacted with this guy, I seriously doubt he'd be peachy with it. That is why you're getting responses about refocusing on how much you value your current relationship. Short answer is yes, he is attracted to you. Ego kibbles. Now what?
nina_x Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 If he's just your friend, keep talking to him, keep this thing going. Some people like to go against the OP just to make him/her angry. There's nothing wrong with her talking to a co-worker and finding him attractive, if she is not cheating, what's the problem? Gosh, some people... 1
stillafool Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 So people who are attached aren't allowed to find other people attractive? Actually, my boyfriend and I are very open and honest - if he finds a woman particularly attractive, he's not afraid to say so and vice versa. It's human nature. Good that you are your bf are very open with each other. Does your bf think this co-worker is interested in you?
stillafool Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I understand, but I don't feel that my relationship needs saving, and I also don't feel that I have been anything other than 'respectful and appropriate' with my work relationships. There has never been anything in my words or actions to even hint that I find him attractive. I'm just the kind of person who finds other people fascinating and likes to think about why other people do the things they do. I like to think of myself as a good people-reader, but when it comes to flirting etc I tend to doubt my judgement, as I have never been very savvy when it comes to that sort of thing. I didn't really consider it a big deal. The fact that you started a thread about this guy shows that he is on your mind too much. If your feelings for him are innocent and you are truly doubting your judgment about co workers flirting you would seek advice from your bf about this. I imagine you have not.
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