LookAtThisPOst Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I'm sure this is isolated, but I have a friend of mine who just turned 50 and when he speaks of some women he's met and we get to talking about them, I would ask if he's asked her out. His response would always be, "Well, she always appears busy or involved in her own thing from looking at her Facebook photos." I said to her, "Did she ever tell you she's busy? Did you ever even call her?" and I get pretty much the same response back, that she only APPEARS busy. He doesn't call her, he just assumes she's busy...so he doesn't want to have to disturb her lifestlyle. He does this constantly with women, and I'm like, "Dude! Just call her and find out for yourself!" and he says, "Well, that's just the way I do things when it comes to dating, you are a bit more tenacious than I am, so what can I say?" Personally though, I do pick up that he hasn't been really motivated lately, and I think his health is keeping him more sedentary / slow-moving, too. I think some women his age can run circles around him, and I'm thinking he won't be able to keep up. Ever met totally unmotivated men like this?
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I've met a number of men who are either completely passive when it comes to women or have completely given up. And I don't blame them. Life is not supposed to be about transforming yourself into a paragon of a human being and being aggressive and playing the 'game' the right way in order to find human connection. It's about enjoying life. If you can do that without a woman, then no need to look for one. I, myself do hit on women, because what the hell, I've been rejected so many times anyway. But I almost have a respect for guys that don't care. They're living by their own rules, and not society's. 15
gaius Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Sure, they're all over the place. Guys who have basically retired from dating. Usually comes along with things like letting themselves go. Strikes me as either a sexuality issue or a form of depression. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Sure, they're all over the place. Guys who have basically retired from dating. Usually comes along with things like letting themselves go. Strikes me as either a sexuality issue or a form of depression. Or maybe sex drive falls off naturally and its just not worth the trouble anymore...I know some guys like this(some women as well, although women are more likely to want the companionship-I think)...And they are happy...I dont know why people think they are dysfunctional or have mental problems..(shrug) TFY 8
loveweary11 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Sure, they're all over the place. Guys who have basically retired from dating. Usually comes along with things like letting themselves go. Strikes me as either a sexuality issue or a form of depression. Some people would prefer to get more out of life than "chasing tail." There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, i wish i was strong enough to do that. 1
central Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 If I show initial interest, and she does not, then I don't pursue. If she shows interest but I'm not interested, then I don't pursue. If there is mutual interest, it's usually very clear, and I will do whatever I can to develop and nurture that connection to see where it goes - as long as it's reciprocated. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I've met a number of men who are either completely passive when it comes to women or have completely given up. And I don't blame them. It's about enjoying life. If you can do that without a woman, then no need to look for one. But I almost have a respect for guys that don't care. They're living by their own rules, and not society's. I have met both genders who do this. They just can't be bothered with all the emotional hassle any more so bow out. Shame, as there are people that would be great together, but at the same time for all the hassle that goes with it, more so when you are older and both have baggage its just a pain in the rear. Leave him be. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I have met both genders who do this. They just can't be bothered with all the emotional hassle any more so bow out. Shame, as there are people that would be great together, but at the same time for all the hassle that goes with it, more so when you are older and both have baggage its just a pain in the rear. Leave him be. Everybody makes life much, much harder and painful than it should be for others. If weren't all so preoccupied for getting the best for ourselves while stepping over others, it'd be a much better world. 6
carhill Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I'm sure this is isolated, but I have a friend of mine who just turned 50 and when he speaks of some women he's met and we get to talking about them, I would ask if he's asked her out. His recounts appear to indicate he's still interested in women sexually. Otherwise, he'd never mention them, at all. His response would always be, "Well, she always appears busy or involved in her own thing from looking at her Facebook photos." He appears to have programmed himself as an observer. I recall falling into that abyss a generation or two ago. Took awhile to climb out. I said to her, "Did she ever tell you she's busy? Did you ever even call her?" and I get pretty much the same response back, that she only APPEARS busy. Good point, and generally part of the ladder to climb out of the abyss. Take action rather than passively observing and forming conclusions based on speculation. He doesn't call her, he just assumes she's busy...so he doesn't want to have to disturb her lifestyle. Part of being passive and perhaps part a replay of old rejection tapes. If not routinely erased, such tapes can drag a guy's psyche, if he has experienced marked rejection in life, down. In general, a passive attitude is quite unattractive in a man, though he can function quite normally in life, in general. He does this constantly with women, and I'm like, "Dude! Just call her and find out for yourself!" and he says, "Well, that's just the way I do things when it comes to dating, you are a bit more tenacious than I am, so what can I say?" It makes sense to you. I'm unclear if you've ever faced the situation you're observing in your own life and emerged from it, or changed it, or if it's simply outside of your experience. Personally though, I do pick up that he hasn't been really motivated lately, and I think his health is keeping him more sedentary / slow-moving, too. I think some women his age can run circles around him, and I'm thinking he won't be able to keep up. If he's having mid-life health issues, that can affect him psychologically, in addition to the realities which occur at our age when loved ones begin getting ill and dying off. Ever met totally unmotivated men like this? I'm unclear if this is a global condition or strictly related to pursuing women romantically. A man can be motivated and vigorous in his pursuit of life globally, or with specificity. He can be unmotivated similarly. You did mention 'totally' so perhaps are referring to globally, like in work, business, family, friendships, pursuits, etc, so perhaps clarification could assist in better understanding his circumstances. Myself, having done all the pursuit, dating, girlfriending and marriage stuff, I found the milieu, in total, to be a dry hole sucking the life energy out of me so I now pursue other aspects of life with renewed vigor. I think caregiving, meaning caring for a loved one till death, as well as having a number of close friends die in the last few years, has really drilled home the message to not screw around sticking the bit into dry holes and work the productive ones. Women are not productive, to me. They may be, to you. That's OK! Different strokes and lucky them. I think they deserve someone who aggressively pursues them. Your friend isn't that guy so it works out. 2
Starship Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Some guys are still dynamic at 50.... At 65. They have a level of energy, confidence. This is very attractive. Others...meh...best that they sit of the sofa with the remote. I don't know if is much to do with age or they have always been like that. We have a senior's running club in my neighbourhood and a half dozen of them just jogged by my window...I'm sure in the next few minutes someone 10 years younger than them will waddle by.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 So eloquently put, Carhill. He also lacks focus on any one particular hobby. He's part of a ukelele group, been to a couple events. .. that's it. He owns numerous recreational toys... trail bike, 3 kayaks, guitars....nnone of which he barely uses. I recall when he spontaneously asked me to join him for a Meetup going dancing. He purposely sat a table away from Meetup table and the organizer waved us over and I went to join the table and he sat there like a wall flower. I was wondering if he was playing the " im too cool to mingle thing, but it was quite embarrassing. It was like he was deliberately playing aloof. People were asking why he didn't care to dance or mingle. His recounts appear to indicate he's still interested in women sexually. Otherwise, he'd never mention them, at all. He appears to have programmed himself as an observer. I recall falling into that abyss a generation or two ago. Took awhile to climb out. Good point, and generally part of the ladder to climb out of the abyss. Take action rather than passively observing and forming conclusions based on speculation. Part of being passive and perhaps part a replay of old rejection tapes. If not routinely erased, such tapes can drag a guy's psyche, if he has experienced marked rejection in life, down. In general, a passive attitude is quite unattractive in a man, though he can function quite normally in life, in general. It makes sense to you. I'm unclear if you've ever faced the situation you're observing in your own life and emerged from it, or changed it, or if it's simply outside of your experience. If he's having mid-life health issues, that can affect him psychologically, in addition to the realities which occur at our age when loved ones begin getting ill and dying off. I'm unclear if this is a global condition or strictly related to pursuing women romantically. A man can be motivated and vigorous in his pursuit of life globally, or with specificity. He can be unmotivated similarly. You did mention 'totally' so perhaps are referring to globally, like in work, business, family, friendships, pursuits, etc, so perhaps clarification could assist in better understanding his circumstances. Myself, having done all the pursuit, dating, girlfriending and marriage stuff, I found the milieu, in total, to be a dry hole sucking the life energy out of me so I now pursue other aspects of life with renewed vigor. I think caregiving, meaning caring for a loved one till death, as well as having a number of close friends die in the last few years, has really drilled home the message to not screw around sticking the bit into dry holes and work the productive ones. Women are not productive, to me. They may be, to you. That's OK! Different strokes and lucky them. I think they deserve someone who aggressively pursues them. Your friend isn't that guy so it works out.
preraph Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Speaking as an old person, I think what happens to a lot of men and women is because of aging, they are no longer attractive enough to get who they would be attracted to, because though it may change some with age, a whole lot of people like the same look or type their whole life. There are all degrees of exceptions to it, of course. My exception is that for the most part, I prefer someone from my generation but it is usually going to be someone I already knew and was attracted to when we were younger because then I can still think of them that way. I rarely see any man near my age I have one iota of attraction for otherwise. So for me, I'm perfectly capable of doing without and find it preferable over doing someone I'm not attracted to in any way. I think a lot of people reach that place. Others do not. But I think they probably always had a wider field of attraction, and that's a good thing.
insert_name Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Its only natural that as a man ages, he discovers that unicorns arent real.
guest569 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You either want something or you dont. There's nothing wrong with it. Sounds like he genuinely struggles to socialise though and is making excuses. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) From all that you have said about him he knows a lot about social cues. He may perhaps be being more cautious due to his health but he certainly sounds like he is happy and doesn't see being with a woman as the life, universe and everything - and - it isn't! Nothing you can say will change his mind. Let him be. You have no need to worry about him nor nag him any longer. Let him do his own thing and in his own time (if he even wants to meet someone)!!! ETA: His responses are the kind of responses I would give to someone who is being too nosey/questioning/invasive/keeps darn well asking about my personal life - maybe it's down to that? Edited March 12, 2015 by GemmaUK 3
rester Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I'm sure this is isolated, but I have a friend of mine who just turned 50 and when he speaks of some women he's met and we get to talking about them, I would ask if he's asked her out. His response would always be, "Well, she always appears busy or involved in her own thing from looking at her Facebook photos." I said to her, "Did she ever tell you she's busy? Did you ever even call her?" and I get pretty much the same response back, that she only APPEARS busy. He doesn't call her, he just assumes she's busy...so he doesn't want to have to disturb her lifestlyle. He does this constantly with women, and I'm like, "Dude! Just call her and find out for yourself!" and he says, "Well, that's just the way I do things when it comes to dating, you are a bit more tenacious than I am, so what can I say?" Personally though, I do pick up that he hasn't been really motivated lately, and I think his health is keeping him more sedentary / slow-moving, too. I think some women his age can run circles around him, and I'm thinking he won't be able to keep up. Ever met totally unmotivated men like this? I've met both unmotivated men and unmotivated women like that. I think he's making excuses, but at the same time, he may just be coming up with them to keep a nosy friend out of his business. He probably senses you judge him and don't respect him much, so he's bound to get defensive.
MGX Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Some guys are sick and tired of the constant relationship games and all the crap that goes with it and don't care to pursue anyone anymore. They'll work on things that are actually in reach instead. In the 50 year old's case, he might associate a woman constantly typing away on her iPhone as being in contact with her significant other. 2
GemmaUK Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Some guys are sick and tired of the constant relationship games and all the crap that goes with it and don't care to pursue anyone anymore. They'll work on things that are actually in reach instead. In the 50 year old's case, he might associate a woman constantly typing away on her iPhone as being in contact with her significant other. Ditto for women. I can't be bothered with the drama of a 40 odd year old man for the past 2 years (hence no dates nor male contact at all) ..and many of them have so much of it. They think a woman should behave 'x' way and be 'y' way. We're individuals, none of us is going to behave a specific way. If a man thinks a woman should be 's, y or z' then he seriously needs to learn quick that people are different and that it's OK, not compatible maybe but OK.
Starship Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I know lots of guys and gals in their 40's through 60's out dating, going to dances, etc. Dozens in our Meet Up groups enjoying life and the company of each other. Some may drop out of male/female dynamics but fortunately lots of healthy individuals for both sexes to interact with and form relationships. Active, healthy people are attracted to the same. The groanies, moanie's and unfit are likely more content in their solitary world. Best to just let them be and not get involved My mother is in her early 80's and she and her boyfriend are off to Las Vegas 'again' on Sunday. I feel like the airport shuttle service. 2
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) From all that you have said about him he knows a lot about social cues. He may perhaps be being more cautious due to his health but he certainly sounds like he is happy and doesn't see being with a woman as the life, universe and everything - and - it isn't! Nothing you can say will change his mind. Let him be. You have no need to worry about him nor nag him any longer. Let him do his own thing and in his own time (if he even wants to meet someone)!!! ETA: His responses are the kind of responses I would give to someone who is being too nosey/questioning/invasive/keeps darn well asking about my personal life - maybe it's down to that? Hey, he asks about my dating life, so.... you're point? I was wondering if he was playing the " im too cool to mingle thing, but it was quite embarrassing. It was like he was deliberately playing aloof. People were asking why he didn't care to dance or mingle. I wanted to reiterate this behavior that's quite telling and ties into probably his social awkwardness. The groanies, moanie's and unfit are likely more content in their solitary world. Best to just let them be and not get involved Ditto on that. Why go to a Meetup if you're going to be a wall flower? Edited March 12, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst
ascendotum Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Or maybe sex drive falls off naturally and its just not worth the trouble anymore...I know some guys like this(some women as well, although women are more likely to want the companionship-I think)...And they are happy...I dont know why people think they are dysfunctional or have mental problems..(shrug) TFY I suspect its a case of this too, given the guy is 50. If we are talking about a 25 yr old guy who's extremely laid back when it comes to finding a gf, then it could be a different story, but when you get older you get less dick driven, some guys more so than others. Compounding his fall off in libido is middle aged women's faded sex appeal as well when it comes to motivation. If he is low in T then it will effect his energy levels and if some of these women look like they are living busy lives then I am sure that as could make him a little reluctant that they might be critical of him if he does not have the same spirit. In the history of humans, I'd suspect the concept dating in middle age is likely only a very recent phenomenon.
Dropped71 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I'm sure this is isolated, but I have a friend of mine who just turned 50 and when he speaks of some women he's met and we get to talking about them, I would ask if he's asked her out. His response would always be, "Well, she always appears busy or involved in her own thing from looking at her Facebook photos." I said to her, "Did she ever tell you she's busy? Did you ever even call her?" and I get pretty much the same response back, that she only APPEARS busy. He doesn't call her, he just assumes she's busy...so he doesn't want to have to disturb her lifestlyle. He does this constantly with women, and I'm like, "Dude! Just call her and find out for yourself!" and he says, "Well, that's just the way I do things when it comes to dating, you are a bit more tenacious than I am, so what can I say?" Personally though, I do pick up that he hasn't been really motivated lately, and I think his health is keeping him more sedentary / slow-moving, too. I think some women his age can run circles around him, and I'm thinking he won't be able to keep up. Ever met totally unmotivated men like this? Count me in. I see him in the mirror if I dare look in the mirror.
imtooconfused Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Hey, he asks about my dating life, so.... you're point? This is the most interesting part of this thread... My experience is that if someone asks about your dating life, they want to be a part of your dating life, plain and simple. Maybe he's into you and doesn't want you to think that he's chasing other women for sport. 2
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Maybe he's into you. Sorry, we're not gay (both men here, lol) 1
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