Emma1234 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I had some horrible dreams last night and i'm struggling a little this morning and could do with a change in mindset. I know most people here are going through break ups but for any people just here to help or for those who have been through a break up and come out POSITIVELY on the other side it'd be great if you could tell your story here. For me it took me about a year to be fully over my ex ex (complete indifference) but 5 months until I felt 'ok'. I got through this with counselling, support from friends, a change in location, short travel (perspective) and by meeting someone new (ultimately the cause of my problems now but that guy was toxic and a selfishly awful person anyway- bad luck really). However my previous break up led me to enjoying probably the best year of my life so far despite the pain now.
erklat Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Yeah last year was also very interesting while I was searching for my place under the sun.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I got through my ex-husband of seven years leaving me and our three daughters for another woman. And holy crap, if I can get through THAT, then anyone can overcome anything. This all happened about four years ago. The first two or three months I begged, pleaded, cried, made an ass of myself. My ex would do stuff like hang up in the middle of what I was saying, then yell at me for being crazy and not leaving him alone, when i would call back to continue the conversation. It took my therapist pointing out that this behavior was actually making it easier for him to justify leaving leaving me. She told me that the more I responded with anger, the more it confirmed the belief that he was right in taking off like he did. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel good about anything, so I immediately went LC, only texting about our girls. And it pissed him off, not getting a rise out of me...that was its own reward, but it ultimately helped me get my dignity and self-esteem back. It probably took a full year before I didn't absolutely either hate his guts or want him back, and hate MY guts for thinking that way. I remember feeling like I was finally accepting the fact that it was over, and fighting that. I didn't want to let go of the future we had planned together. That was the hardest to let go of. But I did. I got to the glorious point where I couldn't care less about him or what he was doing. This took about a year and a half. And I'm there now, a little more than civil to him, but totally OK. The things that were instrumental in getting me here were medication, therapy, sharing with others, and LC. The fact that so many people had been where I was and supported me is one big reason why I'm on here now. It did so much good to hear terrible stories and see that they could become just bad memories at some point. My therapist helped too, to help me understand that what my ex did wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. I went through a CBT course, and changed my way of thinking and processing emotions. It was wonderful, I'm using it with my most recent breakup. But the biggest help was the LC (or NC). You need to do this to get over a bad breakup. Period. I know that it's hard to get past the denial stage, and you don't WANT to let go, but you have to. This relationship is over. The only way to focus on yourself is to focus on yourself. I didn't want to do it either, but it is essential. So that's my story. It was a horrible journey at times, but it is entirely possible to heal from any terrible breakup. Just listen to others on here, we've been there and know what works and what doesn't. And hang in there, and cut yourself some slack! it's not going to get better overnight, but it will get better. Any baby steps you take count, and they'll add up.
Author Emma1234 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Thank you for your reply, it really helped. I suppose I just have to keep holding onto the fact that time really does heal everything. I think it's because I'm unhappy with my life at the moment (I hate how ungrateful I sounds) and so I'm worried that even when I get over him I won't be 'content' or 'happy' still if that makes sense. But your bravery is very inspirational so thank you so much for sharing
sabd Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 10 Years ago, my husband of 13 years fell in love with another woman. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose to move out and be with her. That's probably the most painful, traumatic breakup I've been through and it took me 2 years to get to the point where I could see him and talk to him - had to, for the kids. In those 2 years I went to therapy, was on medication to help stabilise my emotions, threw myself into my work and took up new hobbies to keep myself busy. It was hell for me. But I made it! And if I can get through that, I know I can get through anything. This last breakup (2.5 months ago) was ugly and painful too (always is when a 3rd party is involved) but I'm really pleased with the progress I've made thus far. I'm just about completely over it and him. I reckon that going through my 2 year divorce has made me so much stronger and better equipped to deal with heartbreak.
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