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Posted

I'm sure from a sexual health standpoint, yes, most women do care about a guy's past in terms of if he's clean or not. That's normal.

 

Some women of course care a little bit more. Maybe they have more conservative views on sex (in whatever form that may be) and seek a guy who has a similar view. That too, is normal.

 

However, if you've ever (or haven't) been with anyone sexually, I think we have to be careful to make sure we aren't judgmental of others pasts. Remember, the main reasons this doesn't come up in normal conversations is simply because some things are more personal. Like this for example.

 

Usually the girls I wind up with have more of a storied past than I do, (I never ask them directly, just find out through observation) but it doesn't bother me at all. I can't really say why. Maybe I just take delight in the fact that I'm attractive enough to bang. So that works for me, ha.

 

 

Try and open your mind my friend. Many doors will open for you if you do.

  • Like 1
Posted
Nine. Count them. Nine women dropped me like a hot potato when they each deduced I was inexperienced. I'm just a wee bit mad that none have ever given much of a real chance. This coming from a guy born in 1971. How can I buy anything you say when the next minute you'll say the opposite. Try putting yourself in my place. Of course you won't. You'll never understand.

 

Did all nine tell you they deduced you were inexperienced or do you assume they did?

  • Like 1
Posted

I think some people put way too much focus on the "number". There is way more to a person's sexual history than the number of partners he or she has slept with. Sexual "history" can be discussed (in both serious and lighthearted/humorous contexts) without disclosing the number or any other overly sensitive details. Things like how he viewed his past partners, treated them, his likes and dislikes in the bedroom, his/her sexual fetishes and quirks if any, BDSM if he/she's into that, any hangups, STD tests and on and on. Just exercise some reasonable discretion if the subject comes up, and be cognizant of your SO's feelings.

 

Also...while the past is the past, it is also true that your past experiences - including previous relationships and other sexual escapades - played a minor or major role in shaping who you are today.

 

Most adults, including many young adults, have spent a significant amount of their adult time with at least one partner - be it committed relationships, a marriage, flings, FWBs or whatever. Thus there is a good chance that the topic of his/her past will naturally arise on its own.

  • Like 4
Posted
Always a but with the virgin thing. As long as he believed in moral absolutes of no sex before marriage, but otherwise he may as well be radioactive.

 

Actually, if you read my post without your chip on the shoulder, that is not what I said.

 

I am speaking from my own experience. The fact that my now ex seemed to be able to be SUCH a gentleman ALL the time without the least temptation should have been a red flag for me. It ended up being a foreshadowing of a world of pain. So for me, I would need to know that he at least WANTED to have sex.

Posted (edited)
There are so many factors. If a man has a very checkered past, I want to know what he has learned, what has changed, who he has become. If a man reaches my age with no experience, I want to know if it is my choice and commitment or not. Does he WANT intimacy with a woman?

 

A man who had made bad choices, learned from them, and had a new life and pattern of integrity would be fine. A man who was single and a virgin at 40 because he had a moral conviction about sex outside of marriage would be fine. A man who had learned nothing from his mistakes would be out. A man who had a victim or anti-woman complex would be out.

 

I think some people put way too much focus on the "number". There is way more to a person's sexual history than the number of partners he or she has slept with. Sexual "history" can be discussed (in both serious and lighthearted/humorous contexts) without disclosing the number or any other overly sensitive details. Things like how he viewed his past partners, treated them, his likes and dislikes in the bedroom, his/her sexual fetishes and quirks if any, BDSM if he/she's into that, any hangups, STD tests and on and on. Just exercise some reasonable discretion if the subject comes up, and be cognizant of your SO's feelings.

 

Also...while the past is the past, it is also true that your past experiences - including previous relationships and other sexual escapades - played a minor or major role in shaping who you are today.

 

Most adults, including many young adults, have spent a significant amount of their adult time with at least one partner - be it committed relationships, a marriage, flings, FWBs or whatever. Thus there is a good chance that the topic of his/her past will naturally arise on its own.

 

Right! Precisely.

 

It's baffling to me that sexual past automatically means "what is your number?" even in this very thread, when the number itself doesn't tell you that much, and in learning about a man (which automatically includes the past as no one was just born that day you met so the ONLY things you can know and will matter are their choices in the past which led to the present) my questions or the point of our talks is along the lines you've pointed out not simply making a snap judgment about a number.:confused:

Edited by MissBee
Posted
Did all nine tell you they deduced you were inexperienced or do you assume they did?

 

I wondered this exact thing.

Posted

I never ask about their past intimate life, except for the transmitted question. .Sometimes things come up in conversation, but in general, I really don't want to know. My concern is me and him. I once had a guy read me an erotic love poem he had written to his ex wife while they were married. I was "whoa! You don't have to read that to me!" wth......

 

A deal breaker would be if they had been a sx addict in the past. Trust me, that is no joke! It is very real and not something I will ever deal with again.

Posted

After 20 years together my wife and I still don't know each other's numbers. Just never asked. We've talked about specific people in our pasts but I've never asked her how many and she never asked me. I think hers is a large number, a lot more than mine, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
I never ask about their past intimate life, except for the transmitted question. .Sometimes things come up in conversation, but in general, I really don't want to know. My concern is me and him. I once had a guy read me an erotic love poem he had written to his ex wife while they were married. I was "whoa! You don't have to read that to me!" wth......

 

A deal breaker would be if they had been a sx addict in the past. Trust me, that is no joke! It is very real and not something I will ever deal with again.

 

But how would you know they had been a sex addict in the past if your stance is that you don't want to know and you just want to be concerned with you and him?:confused: Wouldn't it be in discussing the past that you learn this?

 

That's the thing I don't get in general (not just your post). I don't need to hear every detail about their relationships before me, but I don't understand why people feel threatened to hear anything at all about the person's past. I mean the past isn't about their ex (even though former partners might factor into the story) per se, it's actually about who they were, what they did, how they acted, what they thought, how they are...which is also likely still who they are today, as no one wakes up anew each morning totally severed from yesterday/the past. So for me it just seems a bit ridiculous that in every other area we expect that this person's personality and life has been a sum of everything else that happened before we met them, but in terms of their romantic or sexual history we want to act like no mention of anything before should ever happen and we should just act like it's us together in a vacuum and the past has no bearing....when it clearly does. So many people would have been saved the drama if they had heard their current partner discuss the past as they'd have found out things which would have probably raised red flags and made them think twice or be more vigilant.

Edited by MissBee
Posted

I didn't think I cared about his sexual past until I learned that he has slept with half the people we socialize with!It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't socialize with any of my past sexual partners.

Posted

I don't like:

 

* a man with a history of sexually abusing women

* past of STDS or unprotected sex

* used prostitutes etc

* underage girls

* too many partners i.e. a ridiculously large amount

 

So yes, the sexual past is important to me.

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