Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Since most women obviously dislike talking about their own, do they honestly not care how many women a guy has slept with in the past?

Posted

The only thing that would bother me would be if he had either an affair or been an affair partner. IMO that would cast doubts on his integrity and would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

The numbers pale into insignificance beside that. :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Posted

I am fine talking about my own, and would look askance at a guy who refused to say anything about his. Not compatible with my idea of relationships.

 

That being said, IMO this is a conversation topic that typically just surfaces naturally after you both have dated or been in a relationship for a while, and it involves both parties talking of their own accord. It isn't exactly first-date material, and an 'interrogation' would be off-putting for either gender.

  • Like 6
Posted

I don't mind talkimg about my sexual past at all, I just don't think the number (whether mine or my partner's) matters. A number doesn't tell you anything about how the person behaves in a relationship, their mindset, their morals, and so on. All it does is make you judge the other person in a way that isn't necessarily right or fair. Who's more "pure": the girl who had sex with ten guys in six months or the girl who had mind-blowing, completely depraved sex with one man three times a day gor a year?

 

I've said before I don't want to date a virgin. It's not my preference. But a man isn't required to disclose his "number" (even if it's zero) to me. It's none of my business. I'd be far more interested in knowing why he hadn't had sex than anything else. The actual number doesn't mean anything. In my time dating I've only ever had one person ask, and he was pretty immature.

 

The only thing you are obligated to tell is your current STD status. Everything else is a matter of comfort between you and your partner. But you should be able to at least talk about your sexual experiences in regards to what you like or don't like---and laugh at your past awkward times!

Posted

I think actually it helps you get with a lot of other women. They just think you're good at sex.

 

 

I think a lot of women will say that's not true for them. And I think for some, that is true.

 

 

But a guy that has slept with a lot of women usually knows what he is doing. Women are looking to be lead. For all the talk about equality, you need to take charge. Taking charge goes along with having experience.

Posted

Not bothered at all unless it has caused a marriage/ long term relationship break down or he has encrustations growing from his penis.

 

The past is the past and as long as he is healthy and looking for a future with me that is all I care about.

  • Like 3
Posted

Barring some kind of incurable STD, I'd really just rather not know. Like, at all.

  • Like 1
Posted
Since most women obviously dislike talking about their own, do they honestly not care how many women a guy has slept with in the past?

 

No, I want to know. I am happy to discuss mine and I want to discuss other's background. The number isn't the be all and end all but the whys, how they interacted with the other person, do they paint things as a "victim", is there a pattern of many one night stands, etc.

 

The sum of everything would provide insight on the person and whether I viewed them as relationship material for me.

  • Like 4
Posted
No, I want to know. I am happy to discuss mine and I want to discuss other's background. The number isn't the be all and end all but the whys, how they interacted with the other person, do they paint things as a "victim", is there a pattern of many one night stands, etc.

 

The sum of everything would provide insight on the person and whether I viewed them as relationship material for me.

 

A general view is all I need... Just to ensure that there are no old issues or problems.

 

I am not a virgin or a saint and I don't want to date one either. A normal person with a healthy sex drive and attitude towards it would be great thanks!

  • Like 1
Posted
A general view is all I need... Just to ensure that there are no old issues or problems.

 

I am not a virgin or a saint and I don't want to date one either. A normal person with a healthy sex drive and attitude towards it would be great thanks!

 

Yep everyone different. "Devil is in the details" so the whys are what I am digging at, thinking style, thought processing, conflict avoiding/attraction, etc.

 

And since I have only had sex with two people in my life, I have found it somewhat academically fascinating to discuss my husband's past relationships/sexual encounters as they are more than mine.

 

But I tend to dissect everything so this is a definite "me" thing. :laugh: Not in a bad way but this whole other life of him that I never knew. I happen to find that fascinating.

  • Like 2
Posted

I don't know where this idea came from, that women love men who have been with tons of women because it means he's "better at sex" or it increases some intangible "value" or something.

 

IMO a person who has had, say, one 10 year long marriage probably had lots of sex and got just as good. AND, they have relationship skills that the player probably lacks.

 

I'm very wary of players or men who have seem to have tons of women. First off, I'm interested in serious relationships, so I don't want to possibly catch feelings for someone to whom I am just another notch on his belt. Secondly, I don't like feeling like I have to compete with tons of other women, either from his past or his potential future. That popular mentality (usually stated by men) that women just LOVE to compete with each other for men is untrue in my case! It just sounds dreadful and exhausting! And lastly I'd be concerned he'd always have GIGS and/or be more likely to cheat.

 

This might sound judgmental, I don't know. It's not like I'm going to look down my nose at his "number" but I'd feel we just weren't that compatible.

  • Like 2
Posted

Couldn't care less how many women he's slept with. I'm more interested in how he viewed and treated them.

  • Like 4
Posted

No, I really am not interested in knowing. I mean... sure, knowing about STDs is important, but other than that... no.

Posted

I have said it before and I will say it again, I absolutely hate being asked if I am a virgin. I remember one time I got defensive with a woman who I was sort of talking to at the time. She gave me some crap and asked me why I had not had sex with a woman. I developed an attitude with her and I can say that this is one reason why I sometimes don't have a good attitude about women. I feel that women don't want a virgin, but at least I don't have baggage like STDs or a child who I didn't plan to have, so that is a good thing, right?

 

I have a sex drive, as I do pleasure myself almost every day. I just avoid women because I fear that a woman who I will talk to might judge me for being a virgin or will want to stop talking to me because of it. I can't tell you how many times I have had to excuse myself from a sex discussion or when someone asks me about something about my sex life, I said "pass." I don't kiss and tell, so I don't know why some people must share their sexual history, or lack thereof.

Posted

Wasn't this mostly covered in the other thread, it's important to some people and not important to other people and MOST of us men or women are not excited about being judged for how many sex partners we have had!! Personally I don't think it says anything about the person's character, it just shows what their attitudes about sex are. Of course I know how many sex partners my guy has and vice versa because we were each other's first and we were broken up for a while, we shared that stuff, but if I was dating other men I would never ask or care, though I would def ask about his past relationships and what happened, what he learned, etc.

 

OP I think it would really help you if you would give up on trying to decide what "women" think and how "women" are, I am sure there are some generalizations that can be used about women or men but this kind of thing really really is NOT one of them, it is personal and cultural!!

  • Like 5
Posted

no, i have no wish to go there, this is ex territory, stop that noise

Posted

Caring about a partner's sexual past doesn't automatically equate to finding out a numerical figure. Knowing how many people you've slept with alone doesn't really tell me that much so that's not the part I ask about and I've never been asked that by a partner.

 

In dating someone I generally discuss their past relationships at some point or a more general sexual history like things they've liked and done before or other questions that come in an effort to get to know them intimately and kind of calibrate our styles and if our ideas about sex and sexuality mesh. I find out about their feelings on protection, birth control, certain sexual proclivities etc. Those are the conversations I have and since they clearly had sex with other people those people might come up in a general way. All my boyfriends I don't know precisely how many women they've slept with but from discussing their past relationships, their views on sex, often when they lost their virginity comes up, I can make a guess even though that doesn't concern me. Most of my actual boyfriends were monogamous guys who tended to have girlfriends so didn't have a lot of casual sex, some sure, but mainly they would date one woman for a long time.

 

So yea... It's one dimensional to think sexual history is just saying: I had sex with 10 people before you. Okay and? The sexual history is not some dry numbers count for me and the point isn't to ascertain a figure but more his attitude about sex and what he's done open to doing used to, likes, dislikes et cetera all based on his past experiences which formed him.

  • Like 2
Posted

Oh wow ummm...I care very much. I have a low count, I would PREFER someone with a low count. I actually briefly dated a guy who admitted to using a prostitute on 2 different occasions. That was the end of THAT. Our ideas and beliefs about sex obviously didn't match up. I appreciated his honesty but...no thanks.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

It's easy to see why this topic often creates a gender divide...

 

Many women don't care about numbers or his sexual past, so many of them think men should not care about theirs either. I think people care about different things, and that's OK. This thought process of "His number doesn't matter to me, it's in the past and has no bearing on our relationship. So my number shouldn't matter to him, since I believe it has no bearing on our relationship" is flawed. The truth is, we don't get to decide what other people care about.

 

Often times, I believe the judgements men make lead women to lie or omit facts that the guy feels are important and may change his opinion of her. Since she knows in her own mind that she is a worthy mate, capable of being faithful and committed, she thinks "I'll just lower the number, it doesn't matter anyway". I've seen this happen in real life and on loveshack- a guy finds out years later that his GF/wife was not truthful about this and it destroys the relationship. Sometimes by then, kids are involved and families are broken up. The man ends up feeling betrayed, the woman ends up feeling judged, and trust is broken.

 

All of that could be avoided if it was disclosed in the beginning of the relationship. They would have both realized early on, before they were emotionally invested, that they are not compatible.

 

I respect people who are upfront and honest about this. Even if a woman strongly disagrees that numbers matter, even if she cannot comprehend why it matters or would ever be a factor in a current relationship... the right thing to do is to either 1) end the relationship as soon as she hears the question, because it usually means he cares about numbers 2)disclose her real number or 3) say "it's none of your business" and let him decide whether he can deal with never knowing.

 

Lying & omitting just creates bigger problems down the road because the woman knows that if she reveals the truth he will judge her, and if the truth does come out the guy will feel betrayed, hurt, defrauded, etc.

 

I think some women falsely assume that if he does find out years later, he will see it as a small white lie and forgive her, because by that time he loves her so much and they are invested in each other. I don't think they realize how deep these judgements go and how strongly some men feel about this. If they really knew that the guy could go from loving & respecting her to feeling completely betrayed and disgusted by her... I think those that choose to lie or omit would care more about genuine compatibility than manipulating the truth to avoid judgement.

Edited by Quiet Storm
  • Like 3
Posted
Since most women obviously dislike talking about their own, do they honestly not care how many women a guy has slept with in the past?

 

I don't dislike talking about my own. I would like to talk about it, after I've been on quite a few dates, we're exclusive and we're ready to take it to the next level. I would want to talk about it for multiple reasons.

 

First, STDs.

 

Second, if he was involved in an affair or cheated. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Third, it allows us to become more emotionally intimate with each other. I feel more bonded to someone when they have disclosed personal information about themselves, because it makes me feel like they value me and trust me enough to have done that. I feel like not talking about it is brushing it under the carpet, and I would like my partner to feel comfortable enough with me to open up and tell me about himself.

 

I would prefer a guy with a low count, however I'm flexible with that. As another poster already mentioned, its important how a man treats women, not in how many women he's been with. And numbers don't always mean you're good in bed. My partner has some insane oral skills, yet he has almost no experience. He's super enthusiastic, attentive, treats me very well and I do not care a fig about how many women he's banged before me.

  • Like 1
Posted

I don't give a Scooby snack!

 

 

I've been in RS's with a few men over the years,,

 

 

1. I was very inexperienced, he had some experience but not very much

I had an imagination, used it acted on it but also taught him what I liked and we both learned so much. We definitely had a fun six months!

 

 

2. He was about as experienced as me. He just wasn't willing.

 

 

3. More experienced as me, he listened and acted upon, shared with me what he liked as well as doing things I liked - pretty darn perfect!

 

 

Since then..I've only met men who claim numbers and 'offer numbers up' but who actually don't do what they say.

 

 

I really don't care how many a man has been with as long as he see sex as fun but fun for us both and not just something he has a right to enjoy.

 

 

Dating a virgin who I could train up and be experimental with just a little bit (eg use of ordinary sex toys) would be great. At my age - unlikely.

Otherwise I need a guy who is prepared to lose the ego and just have fun. I don't want a guy getting upset and crying nor slamming my hand in the drawer and drawing blood when we have been talking vibes all night and I reach for it when we are making moves.

Both have happened to me.

Sex should be fun after all.

 

 

I'm way beyond thinking of babies at my age!

 

 

So, nope..I don't care on numbers.

I care when it's no fun.

Posted
Since most women obviously dislike talking about their own, do they honestly not care how many women a guy has slept with in the past?

heck yeah, of course women care. that's why you have to lie to them

Posted

I care from a medical / health perspective. I want to know if he had sex with any high risk partners. I care if he ever cheated on somebody in an adult LTR. I don't really care that he kissed Suzy while dating Mary in Junior High.

 

I know little bits & pieces, like DH lost his virginity under the bleachers at his high school to some girl he worked a fast food job with. But that was more of a story then a demand that people start spouting #s.

 

But really the fewer specifics I know about his past, the happier I am. I care about his present: are we having a passionate, disease free love affair? If so, then I'm good.

  • Like 1
Posted

I do care.

 

I won't ever ask a man about it, but over time most people have conversations that at least provide bits and pieces of information that will give me a general idea of whether or not a guy has slept with many women.

 

I remember a good guy friend of mine in college just straight out told me he'd been with about 40 girls and I was just blown away. I know I'd never be okay with that.

 

I'd prefer a number in the single digits.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Wasn't this mostly covered in the other thread, it's important to some people and not important to other people and MOST of us men or women are not excited about being judged for how many sex partners we have had!! Personally I don't think it says anything about the person's character, it just shows what their attitudes about sex are. Of course I know how many sex partners my guy has and vice versa because we were each other's first and we were broken up for a while, we shared that stuff, but if I was dating other men I would never ask or care, though I would def ask about his past relationships and what happened, what he learned, etc.

 

OP I think it would really help you if you would give up on trying to decide what "women" think and how "women" are, I am sure there are some generalizations that can be used about women or men but this kind of thing really really is NOT one of them, it is personal and cultural!!

 

Why is it, whenever I make a thread, there's people attacking me? I haven't said one thing in here except for my OP & I'm still getting fingers pointed at me. It's like okay whatever.

×
×
  • Create New...