SunnySide0418 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I went on a great first date with a guy I met on POF. He's 48 no kids, never married. My friend is saying the never married is a red flag so now I'm questioning if I should even pursue it. I had a great time and would like to see him again and see how things go. I have 2 young kids... Thoughts?
TunaCat Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Focus on what you want. If you want to see him again, go ahead. Personally, I don't think the fact that he's never been married is a red flag. I'd be more worried if he had been married multiple times. There are lots of reasons that people don't get married earlier in life. 1
bu2002 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 It might be a red flag to some and not to others. If it concerns you, just ask him about it. But do it in a manner that doesn't make him feel like a weirdo or be blunt about it. 3
Starship Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I went on a great first date with a guy I met on POF. He's 48 no kids, never married. My friend is saying the never married is a red flag so now I'm questioning if I should even pursue it. I had a great time and would like to see him again and see how things go. I have 2 young kids... Thoughts? Lots of adults have not been married. Has he been in a long term relationship? I don't see it as a deal breaker without further information. Hopefully a great date meant that you got along well and would now feel comfortable asking him some basic questions without sounding like the Inquisition. It is completely reasonable for a mother with young children to be cautious...you would be negligent otherwise. However, If you feel comfortable, see him again and satisfy any doubts you may have.
Dirt Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 There is nothing wrong with never married. What would you're friend have said if he was divorced? He's perfectly ok? I don't understand that logic. 1
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Many people are busy in their careers, it's not a big deal anymore. Just find out if he's had any long term relationships, like 5 years or more, and his view on marriage.
Arieswoman Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 IMO is isn't necessarily a red flag. My present husband fits that description. He never married because he "didn't want to settle down". He spent some time in the military living abroad and when he returned to "civvy street" spent the rest of the time looking after elderly parents until they died. So I knew that this was a man who was able to wash, cook, clean, iron etc and could shoulder his responsibilities when necessary. I wouldn't write your guy off just yet. If you spend some quality time getting to know him you may find he's got many good qualities. Good luck !
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Thanks for the feedback everyone! He has had long term relationships. He said he thought he would marry two women but that didn't work out. I didn't ask "why" as I thought for a first date that would be too much prying. Hopefully he calls to ask for a second date and we can get to know each other better. BTW, the red flag comment came from a friend who is now on her third marriage!
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Ha-ha, so your friend on her 3rd marriage is suddenly the expert on dating red flags? Wow. Not the best person to seek dating advice from, methinks. If you like this guy, then keep going on dates with him and see where it leads. It's not a red flag that he's still single. Lots of people are still single who want to be married with/without children. It's just the way life works out for some people. 1
BluEyeL Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 IMO it is a red flag. It doesn't mean that it's a guarantee that it'll not work out, but if marriage is your goal, probably he's not the safest bet at his age. The fact that there are other red flags out there, such as multiple marriages, doesn't make never married at 48 better in itself.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 IMO it is a red flag. It doesn't mean that it's a guarantee that it'll not work out, but if marriage is your goal, probably he's not the safest bet at his age. The fact that there are other red flags out there, such as multiple marriages, doesn't make never married at 48 better in itself. I'm divorced for 2yrs now and not really looking to get married again. If I fall in love and that changes great but that isn't my goal. He says he would like to get married. I was more concerned that he doesn't have kids and I have 2 little boys but he says he's fine with that. I just think unless you have kids you can't fully understand what it's like. But as I said, I had a great time and the ball is in his court to ask me out again. Thanks all.
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) I went on a great first date with a guy I met on POF. He's 48 no kids, never married. My friend is saying the never married is a red flag so now I'm questioning if I should even pursue it. I had a great time and would like to see him again and see how things go. I have 2 young kids... Thoughts? It is too soon to be worrying about whether that is a red flag. It's only the first date. Looking for red flags on a first date, means you are not focusing on the first date experience and enjoying the time with this person. You don't know if they are red flags yet. You don't know what he wants for himself yet. Maybe he wants a relationship and really does want to get married. You don't know that yet. And, you shouldn't be having that kind of discussion on first date anyway. It's ok to talk in general about your history, your past in a casual general way, but not detailed. On the first few dates with someone, you should be in the moment. You should not be thinking about red flags, looking for flaws in the person, etc. at that point. You should "hear" those things when they come up and file them in the back of your mind at that point but not focus on them. Of course, if they guy is a jerk or rude or just kinda turns you off, that's one thing. It's when you get to the point where you two may become intimate and you are wanting to be exclusive , which shouldn't happen too soon, say a couple of months at least, you need to have a conversation about what you are looking for in your dating experiences for yourself and then listen to what he is looking for for himself. That is when the red flags become important. When that discussion happens, and he says, "hey, I've never been married or my long term relationships have failed because I don't know what I want, or I didn't want to be tied down, or she was a crazy bitch, whatever, that's when you know those things were red flags. If you like him now and he asks you for a second date, go on the second date and enjoy it. Get to know a little more. Listen to him closely. Pay attention to how you feel with him. Be relaxed and manage your expectations and most importantly, your emotions. Edited March 12, 2015 by Redhead14
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 ^^Agree with the last post. At least wait until he asks for a second date (IF he asks for a second date) before you start analyzing him, his age, his aspirations, etc. Talk about prematurely over-thinking a situation. If he asks you out again, relax, enjoy one day at a time. 2
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I'm divorced for 2yrs now and not really looking to get married again. If I fall in love and that changes great but that isn't my goal. He says he would like to get married. I was more concerned that he doesn't have kids and I have 2 little boys but he says he's fine with that. I just think unless you have kids you can't fully understand what it's like. But as I said, I had a great time and the ball is in his court to ask me out again. Thanks all. In this quote, you said "you are not REALLY looking to get married again". I think you need to nail this down in your head before you get to the point of being exclusive and becoming too involved emotionally with anyone you date. If you're telling yourself that right now you don't want to be married again but would consider that later and he says he doesn't want to be married to anyone, you may be setting yourself up for pain. Let's say, you go further into a relationship with him and you begin to feel that you want to marry him and he doesn't, it's gonna cause problems. Either you want to be married or you don't. Making that decision now will eliminate future problems in dating.
minimariah Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 If you're telling yourself that right now you don't want to be married again but would consider that later and he says he doesn't want to be married to anyone, you may be setting yourself up for pain. he already told her that he would like to get married - so that's not an issue. OP - it's not a red flag. to me, folks with 2 or 3 failed marriages under their belt are a MUCH bigger red flag than those who never married at all. shows that he actually does take marriage seriously - doesn't want to just jump on it with someone if it doesn't feel right because it's "time" & because society expects you to.
BluEyeL Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 The marriage thing is not quite as black and white. At least not for me. I don't really care if I have papers now or within the next 10 years or so, but I would like to spend the rest of my life with the same man, and eventually live together and all. Papers are not important at this stage. But, if we last and we are both older, in our 60s and beyond, and the relationship lasted 10 years plus, I think I'd like the papers for legal protection. It's all romantic and all that to not care and do everything for love, but if I take care of a significant other in their old age, I'd sure like the legal benefits, and I wouldn't love having relatives to kick me out of the house later if he passes before me. But agree it's early to analyze.
Redhead14 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 he already told her that he would like to get married - so that's not an issue. OP - it's not a red flag. to me, folks with 2 or 3 failed marriages under their belt are a MUCH bigger red flag than those who never married at all. shows that he actually does take marriage seriously - doesn't want to just jump on it with someone if it doesn't feel right because it's "time" & because society expects you to. This whole discussion could wind down a ton of roads We are overthinking it here ourselves and she hasn't even been on the second date. LOL. I saw that, minimariah, however, he said he'd like to get married, was with two women he "thought" he would marry and it didn't work out. It will be important for her to find out why those relationships didn't work out if she gets further into it with him. I promise you that, even though he thinks he wants to get married, the fact that those two didn't work out have left their "marks" on him. If he really does want to get married, she will be put to the "test" before he would consider marrying her. As to her question about her two kids, the fact that he doesn't have kids isn't really important. What is important is whether or not he likes kids and what his parenting style would be and whether they are on the same page with that.
BlueIris Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag (= full stop), but I’d see it as a yellow flag and would proceed slowly and find out what he's like (actions over time, not just words) since family and marriage haven't been high priorities in his life but they are for you, since you have children. I don’t see it as a good/bad, right/wrong question so much as a question of priorities and lifestyle in your respective lives and finding a fit. Take your time. Go slowly. Get to know him. Then decide if he’s a good fit for you. There’s no deadline or stopwatch running on what you do (even though people often pressure themselves to think there is), especially if you have children.
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