DoesntGetIt Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 This is a continuation of a problem I put in another thread, but since most people felt I wrote too much there I'll do a very short summary here: -Met a woman at work, hit it off quickly, started dating quickly. -We talked early on about what it was, she said she wasn't in a place for something serious, I had recently gone through a divorce so we agreed to keep it casual. -Despite that it started to get serious. Spending the night a couple nights a week, keeping stuff at her place, keys to her place, talk of future trips/plans. -She started to act a bit weird/pull back, we had a fight about something else, she ended up bringing up that she wanted to slow it down to friends. She doesn't want me to give her the keys back and wants to make sure we have the possibility to go back to something more, but says right now it needs to be less. -I hold back contact, she keeps reaching out over the course of about 4 weeks. -Our mutual friend invites us both out to a drum and bass show without telling either of us about the other one. She flirts all night. Late in the night I tell her I want her, kiss her a few times, ask her if that's a bad thing, she says no. -Try to talk about it after the show, she says too tired. -Two days later at an expo for work, she gives me the cold shoulder although I do get her to talk about random stuff for a bit. -No real contact since then (5 days), although we smiled and said hey to each other when we passed by at the end of the work day today. I was torn between just not initiating contact, like I had done before, and seeing what happened (and if she never initiated, possibly just letting the whole thing go for good) versus just flat out talking to her about it all and getting a final answer one way or another. On the way home today, after seeing her, I decided I should just talk to her. I thought maybe I'd invite her on a short walk tomorrow and own the responsibility for things having gone bad (say I came on too strong and pushed for us to spend too much time together, although I'm not sure that was really the case since she pushed all the serious steps) and basically say I realize that and want to give it another shot where we take it nice and slow, make sure to keep it casual for now, and just have fun. But the more I thought about it tonight the more I got nervous about it for some reason. I'm sure some of that is the fact will likely say she doesn't want that again. However, at the same time I'd love an answer one way or another to just get out of this limbo. Maybe I shouldn't have a talk and should just wait it out. I'm having trouble keeping myself to this plan.
Versacehottie Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 well I think once you say you want a talk (especially as the guy) you should follow through. It will show that you have cojones. So you need to do it. Also about potentially getting an answer you don't want to hear, being in the limbo is worse at this point, right? Not having the conversation is not going to change her actions. So might as well get it out in the open now. You can change your approach though. A friend told me once that when having these serious conversations (which are difficult if you feel you are in the weaker position), you feel so much better if you just come from a place of honesty. You can't really out-strategize to assure the outcome you want. Be honest and hope for the best. It sounds like you are open enough that you are willing to try the relationship at various intensity levels and just see what happens. Tell her some version of that. Being nervous about it is, I think, a reflection of your power dynamic. Take back as much power as you can by knowing that you have a right on an equal playing field to be entitled to your feelings. You've been in this together whether or not her feelings were equally reciprocated. That doesn't mean she is more worthy. It just means the outcome may not be what you want. I think the best chance with her (getting what you want, a relationship with her) is to go in like you matter a lot, as much as she does. Thus don't cancel the talk, have respect for her feelings and also importantly your own! Caving your principles and self esteem in an effort to get what you want (a relationship with her) shows and is a turn off. Be honest and confident. Just even having the confidence that you are worthy of laying it out there is important for her to see. It shows that you believe in yourself enough to know you WILL have other opportunities and love elsewhere if she can't get her act together. People need to see this backbone when they are keeping you in their life but at arm's length. Good luck. 1
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 When they say they don't want anything serious, believe them. If she was really falling for you, she would not dare say that to you for fear of scaring you off. You talking serious to her will only tend to drive her away further. Like the Cindy Lauper song says, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. It has to be their own idea to love you. For best results, find a woman who likes you a lot and you'll have less problems.
Author DoesntGetIt Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 @Versacehottie: I agree if I had told her I wanted to talk and then didn't it would be real bad. I haven't told her I want to talk yet. I'm going to ask her to take a walk tomorrow, which for us has always been "I'd like to talk about something" sometimes relationship, many times not. Yeah, being in limbo and not knowing where I actually stand is by far the worst, and on that reason alone I should likely just make sure to go through with it. And yes, I thought a lot about it the past week and realized I am truly good with trying a more relaxed relationship that is not serious. I basically realized that I don't think I am ready for something serious right now at all, even though I thought I did before ( I think the recent divorce put me in a weird place of feeling like I needed someone else to fill that spot, and I've now adjusted back to normal). I think it will be important to say that and make that clear to her. Honest and confident, thank you, it may just be that simple. If I lay out the truth confidently and her honest answer is not wanting anything, then that is the answer and I have it once and for all. 1
Author DoesntGetIt Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 When they say they don't want anything serious, believe them. If she was really falling for you, she would not dare say that to you for fear of scaring you off. You talking serious to her will only tend to drive her away further. Like the Cindy Lauper song says, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. It has to be their own idea to love you. For best results, find a woman who likes you a lot and you'll have less problems. I'm great with her not wanting something serious. The problem is that it has become this whole weird thing where there is interest, flirting, kissing, but then coldness and awkwardness. I think part of that is she still has desire, but is afraid of allowing it for fear it may get serious again. I'd like to clear it all up and establish what this is or isn't. It isn't that I don't have other options. Since we cooled it down I've been going on dates (we both had the option to date/do anything else while things were going good too, I just didn't feel a need to). In fact I have a second date with someone very nice tomorrow night. So I'm not putting everything I have on this woman, but I do find her to be great so I'd like to give it one last shot if possible.
kitkatleen Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 As a guy, once you said you want to have a talk, stick to it. I'm kinda surprised because i always thought that it was the girls who wanted "the talk". Guys rarely "want to talk". If i was you, i will want an answer and give it one last try. It seems like she is very indecisive on what she wants. She seems to be pulling the hot & cold trick. Have a good talk. If it fails, at least you tried ur best & know your answer. Maybe she was afraid as well. If it works, it's good but if it fails, it's experience & you can move on.
BlueIris Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You want to ask her to "keep it casual and just have fun"? Because it sounds as though that's what you've decided to do together more than once, and you're already doing that. So I don't understand your discontent. Is it really that you want ~~ an official BF/GF exclusive relationship with her? ~~ more frequent sleepovers, going out and communicating, but without exclusivity, still dating others and still keeping it "casual" (meaning no obligation?)? ... because I think that's more like a FWB and FWBs don't have an obligation to see each other often.
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