Cherry1221 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 My bf of 3 & half years (28) me (21) just had a emotional discussion about him needing some space! I am heartbroken and confused.... Although this did not come as a suprise. We have been arguing about petty things and he wants a break to get his life together and says he can't focus when all he's worried about is me and him. We have been living together 2 months and he currently just packed the rest of his belongings and is staying at a friends. He owns his own business and last year he had a very bad year and this year he's trying to make up for that and being with me he doesn't feel like he's going to progress since we keep arguing. He tells me that we both need to work on our selves and a few weeks from now we can see where we r and how we both feel????? He said he doesn't have the time to put into juggling me and work and is very stressed out. He did say he loves me so much and he does want to be with me if we can get along he just thinks I'm young and deserve to be happy and he feels bad bc he can't provide for me and doesn't have anything right now. I pay all the bills and go to nursing school and bartend. He also said he would make time for me on the weekends but not sure when that will be....I'm willing to make us work but im also PUTING my heart on the line....watching him move his belonging out broke my heart and I'd do anything to make it right. I'm so in love with this man. I respect that he needs his time to focus on himself even tho I cried and begged him to stay. He said I can call him if I need anything and he said he is not pursuing anyone else and he does see a future with me but he can't fight with me and he said I'll loose him forever if I call him and blow his phone up arguing with him. I told him if idk if I can put my heart out there to get hurt by waiting on him and him letting me down he said of its meant to b it will be...idk I feel abandoned. The question is should I cut off all contact and see if he comes around or should I renain in contact and let him see me on his circumstances even though nothing is promised but I know in my heart we both love each other so much??
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 After two months of living together he has moved out & wants a break. Something about your relationship has freaked him out & he's running for daylight. I don't see this lasting much longer sorry 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Cherry, The kinds of men who, at age 25-ish, are dating teen girls are a pretty good bet to not have all of their oars in the water. And while I'm proud of you for not having leaped any sooner to go and live with this dude, it is still highly probable that any of his problems and shortcomings are tangent in some way to where he was looking for a mate back in the beginning. It is one thing to now have most U.S. states allowing mere sex with 16yo's to be legal, but still quite another when a person of 25-ish pursues a person of 18-ish as BF/GF material. None of this says or suggests that youuuuuuuuuu were wrong in any way. I'm just trying to help you to consider the big picture, and to afford yourself a more accurate measure of just whether this guy is good for you as a mate. The best way to understand is to wait for you yourself to reach 25, and to then, at that point, consider how it looks/seems when your male peers are at the time in pursuit of 18yo's. The way you write: "I pay all the bills and go to nursing school..." further suggests that you might do best to take stock of just WHO that guy IS, and then, hopefully, you might be able to let-go more easily upon seeing him in that different and more vivid light. As to your last question: I cannot stress enough that to cut off all contact abruptly would be the very best way to end up with him crawling back around to you. (that's human psychology at work for you! "absence makes the heart grow fonder" ) For you, that would bring a doubly good bonus, which would be your getting used to single life, and allowing your thoughts to maybe wander toward the idea of relationships that are likely more healthy and fair to you. If this guy just didn't have (any further commitment) for you after 2 months of living together, then surely you deserve much more than that!!
Starship Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I remember struggling during nursing college...being poor was an adventure...almost fun. This isn't about finances. The two of you would work that out. Two months and he leaves. This isn't the way adults deal with issues when they are responsible and care for someone. If you get back together, will he leave again? After 3 months...1 year? You are understandably broken hearted but it is for the best. Focus on your studies where your energy should be.
Author Cherry1221 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Cherry, The kinds of men who, at age 25-ish, are dating teen girls are a pretty good bet to not have all of their oars in the water. And while I'm proud of you for not having leaped any sooner to go and live with this dude, it is still highly probable that any of his problems and shortcomings are tangent in some way to where he was looking for a mate back in the beginning. It is one thing to now have most U.S. states allowing mere sex with 16yo's to be legal, but still quite another when a person of 25-ish pursues a person of 18-ish as BF/GF material. None of this says or suggests that youuuuuuuuuu were wrong in any way. I'm just trying to help you to consider the big picture, and to afford yourself a more accurate measure of just whether this guy is good for you as a mate. The best way to understand is to wait for you yourself to reach 25, and to then, at that point, consider how it looks/seems when your male peers are at the time in pursuit of 18yo's. The way you write: "I pay all the bills and go to nursing school..." further suggests that you might do best to take stock of just WHO that guy IS, and then, hopefully, you might be able to let-go more easily upon seeing him in that different and more vivid light. As to your last question: I cannot stress enough that to cut off all contact abruptly would be the very best way to end up with him crawling back around to you. (that's human psychology at work for you! "absence makes the heart grow fonder" ) For you, that would bring a doubly good bonus, which would be your getting used to single life, and allowing your thoughts to maybe wander toward the idea of relationships that are likely more healthy and fair to you. If this guy just didn't have (any further commitment) for you after 2 months of living together, then surely you deserve much more than that!! Thank you for your advice. It's only been a few days and he messaged me last night and said he loved me and he had a productive day and stay positive focused on school. I didn't say anything back. His name is still on the lease plus he has a key and TV over at my condo plus he's in the process pf paying me the money back I lended him. I think most of that could already been solved but he's trying to keep ties for him to contact me. How do I get around no contact if all these other circumstances I hsve going on with him? Plus he thinks he's secure bc I told him that I respect his need for a break and that I still want to be with him but I just wabted to be on good terms I don't think I can put my heart on hold for him so it can be crushed
Mittens Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 When I was 23 the same thing happened to me...I moved in with my then boyfriend - he was 25 - and 3 months later I came home from a long day at work one Sunday to find he had packed all his stuff and moved back to his mother's house. I had been very upset about a personal situation I was going through, and he'd been less than supportive, which had made it even more stressful for me. But he'd never tried to sit me down and discuss how he was feeling, instead he acted like a complete coward. We tried to go back to just dating, but I could never forgive him for what he done and 6 months later we split for good. I was devastated as well. It's now 24 years later, and I can still remember how I felt when I opened the door and saw his key on the mat...but he'd actually done me a massive favour. He'd shown through his cowardly actions that he wasn't a mature adult, that I would never be able to rely on him if things got tough. Like others have posted, the best thing you could do now would be to initiate total no contact. He's already told you that he doesn't want you contacting him, 'blowing up' his phone. He doesn't want to be with you - you don't have to like it, but once one person in a couple says that, the relationship no longer exists.
PegNosePete Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I am sorry to say but when someone does this, it means the relationship is over. There is no such thing as a "break". Just a break-up. he's in the process pf paying me the money back I lended him. How much are we talking about here, and how long is it going ot take to pay it back? Is it worth the emotional stress of being in contact with him, to get this money back? As I see it your options would be: 1) Total NC, he may carry on paying you the money but may stop and if he does you'll just have to write it off as bad debt; 2) Keep giving him just the necessary amount of contact/lip service for him to carry on paying it back
Author Cherry1221 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 I am sorry to say but when someone does this, it means the relationship is over. There is no such thing as a "break". Just a break-up. How much are we talking about here, and how long is it going ot take to pay it back? Is it worth the emotional stress of being in contact with him, to get this money back? As I see it your options would be: 1) Total NC, he may carry on paying you the money but may stop and if he does you'll just have to write it off as bad debt; 2) Keep giving him just the necessary amount of contact/lip service for him to carry on paying it back I know I said he can contact me through email I blocked his number but I noticed he contacted me today abd tried to call from private I have an app on my phone that uncovers a private number and since I blocked him he had to call private to get through. I never answered or called back
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Cherry, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough enough going through a break up but it's almost worse when your relationship is in limbo and there's no closure. Your bf has explicitly stated not to "blow up" his phone..so go radio silent and let him contact you. Set a date a few weeks to a month from now. If you don't hear from him by then with a decision...you need to seek closure and move on. It's going to be tough to resist contacting him but you must. Look, none of us know the dynamics of your relationship and the true story from both sides. All we know is that your bf moved out and wants to be apart from you at the moment. Take it day by day...but when the date arrives and if you are still waiting for him to make a decision...love yourself enough to say enough and walk away. You deserve someone who will not leave you hanging and will work with you through the ups and downs. Keep posting and reading for support. You'll be ok. (BIG HUGS)
WhatWeHad Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Cherry, I'm so sorry you're going through this but i have to agree with some other posters here. A break is the slow motion, doubly painful, form of a break up that, in general, works far better for the one who needs the break and leaves the other person in an unfair holding pattern. I get that he may be confused about his life, his business, etc., but he is clear enough on one thing: he doesn't want to be with you....right now. The trouble with that is, he's not sure if he'll regret that decision later so keeping you on a string is the best back up plan he can think of. I'm not saying he's a jerk, I'm just saying he's human. No one deserves to deal with someone who has one foot in the relationship and one foot out, nor do they deserve to have someone bail just because of arguments (that haven't escalated into physical fights, that is) after just two months of living together. A relationship (in theory) involves two people making descions together for the good of the relationship. As soon as he decided he was going to leave and basically emotionally blackmailed you into not arguing about it (don't argue or blow up my phone or its over? WTF?)he left that relationship. He reinstated his single hood if you will. He chose himself over the two of you. And while he's perfectly allowed to do that if he feels it will make him happier in the end he's not allowed to ask you to hold on in the interim. He's not allowed to wreck you emotionally and feed you breadcrumbs while he mends his business and his manhood. Keep up with NC! Especially if you really want to know how he feels. I do think he loves you but at the least he is unsure about a real future with you for whatever reason. Let him miss you, let him have to experience life without you, let him feel that and how he responds to that loss will tell you everything you need to know. And don't fold at the first sign of weakness from him, his calls now are a knee jerk reaction. Quite frankly you should make this "break" official for you own sake. Don't let him hold the key to you being free of this holding pattern, free yourself. Force him to make a descion about this. Either he fights for your relationship because it really is important to him or he walks away, but he has to make a move. Sitting on the fence is not fair or acceptable. You deserve so much better than that. You seem to have him first on your list while you appear to be last on his. Force him to move you to the top of his list or move on. Sorry for the long post and I know your situation is not the same as mine but I feel like I'm talking to myself 10 years ago and as I much as I would've hated reading everything I'm writing I wish someone would've given me this perspective back then. I'm sharing it now in hopes that it will help. In any event stay strong and remember how much you deserve to be happy with or without you.
Author Cherry1221 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 Cherry, I'm so sorry you're going through this but i have to agree with some other posters here. A break is the slow motion, doubly painful, form of a break up that, in general, works far better for the one who needs the break and leaves the other person in an unfair holding pattern. I get that he may be confused about his life, his business, etc., but he is clear enough on one thing: he doesn't want to be with you....right now. The trouble with that is, he's not sure if he'll regret that decision later so keeping you on a string is the best back up plan he can think of. I'm not saying he's a jerk, I'm just saying he's human. No one deserves to deal with someone who has one foot in the relationship and one foot out, nor do they deserve to have someone bail just because of arguments (that haven't escalated into physical fights, that is) after just two months of living together. A relationship (in theory) involves two people making descions together for the good of the relationship. As soon as he decided he was going to leave and basically emotionally blackmailed you into not arguing about it (don't argue or blow up my phone or its over? WTF?)he left that relationship. He reinstated his single hood if you will. He chose himself over the two of you. And while he's perfectly allowed to do that if he feels it will make him happier in the end he's not allowed to ask you to hold on in the interim. He's not allowed to wreck you emotionally and feed you breadcrumbs while he mends his business and his manhood. Keep up with NC! Especially if you really want to know how he feels. I do think he loves you but at the least he is unsure about a real future with you for whatever reason. Let him miss you, let him have to experience life without you, let him feel that and how he responds to that loss will tell you everything you need to know. And don't fold at the first sign of weakness from him, his calls now are a knee jerk reaction. Quite frankly you should make this "break" official for you own sake. Don't let him hold the key to you being free of this holding pattern, free yourself. Force him to make a descion about this. Either he fights for your relationship because it really is important to him or he walks away, but he has to make a move. Sitting on the fence is not fair or acceptable. You deserve so much better than that. You seem to have him first on your list while you appear to be last on his. Force him to move you to the top of his list or move on. Sorry for the long post and I know your situation is not the same as mine but I feel like I'm talking to myself 10 years ago and as I much as I would've hated reading everything I'm writing I wish someone would've given me this perspective back then. I'm sharing it now in hopes that it will help. In any event stay strong and remember how much you deserve to be happy with or without you. That's for the advice. How do I force him to make a decision? I told him I don't think a break is acceptable I can't put my heart of the line as much as I want to but I don't want him to let me down. He has still not took his name off the lease still has a key as well and a TV over here so I think he thinks since I am using no contact that he can easily come over here whenever he is ready anyway regardless of how I feel. How do I show him I'm serious that he is loosing me bc I think he thinks he is secure and has plenty of time to figure things out and see if he wants to be with me.
WhatWeHad Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You show him you are serious by taking steps to move on. You definitively break up with him. You tell him it's over, that this break foolishness no longer works for you and you are officially ending things. If you can, send him his television and see if you can change the locks (being that he is on the lease you might not be able to without his consent as well but he might do that if he gets his tv). Better yet, if you can afford it, find your own place and move out of the place you two shared. It's about actions, they speak so much louder than words. The reason you feel like he is slipping away from you is not just because of what he said but because of the actions he took. He moved out, he left, and he put one foot out of this relationship. Those were actions that, to me, say he doesn't want the relationship anymore. Even though you've gone NC, which is great, you are still sitting in limbo waiting for him to make up his mind. You haven't done anything yet for him to think he might be losing you. Send him that television and he'll know you mean business. Find a new place, and he'll know you mean business. As long as you keep yourself accessible to him he'll think he still has you as a fall back in case he gets lonely or bored or figures out the grass is not greener on the other side. By taking any one of the actions above you are forcing him out of that comfort zone and if he really wants you he'll take real action to get you back. If not, then you'll be doing what's best for yourself by moving on. After my ex "needed space" after being away at boot camp for 4 months he went NC on me for a whole month. No phone calls, nothing, just dumped me and went silent. That was a clear action amid a very vague declaration of being on a break, not a break up, but a break in his words. I couldn't wait in limbo anymore so I moved (well, my mother moved, so I had to as well), but I didn't call to tell him about it. I just moved and our number changed and I just refused to reach out to him. We had friends in common so he had ways of finding me if he wanted to......he never did that (sadly I broke NC but that's a whole other can of worms). But the point is you need to take clear actions that say (to him and to yourself) that you deserve better than what he's giving you. In the end no matter what he does or doesn't do I think you will be so much better for it.
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