Stuck74 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Here's my long story (excuse my schoolish English) I have always been an individualist, not many friends, contact with family is very limited. Only had a few relationships, okay hobbies, living on auto pilot. But livable. Then I met this woman a couple of years ago, just over 5 feet tall, slim, blond, blue eyes, shy, … at work. She has some issues herself, lonely, left alone by most of her family (for a reason she never told me). Let's say she has some borderline symptoms, sleeping around too easy and in general always had big troubles with men in her life, starting to smoke pot and drinking. From the start we spend as much time as possible at work chatting, people often thought we were a couple, to me she was like a long lost sister. It took a long time until we were phoning each other, for hours or shared a drink together. We were discussing everything that was on our mind, our lives, troubles, love etc... We were feeling connected and to her this was the first time she felt so safe with someone. I felt she was the most important person in my life but didn't really expect that we could seriously have more than this, but than the following happened. I had an affair with another woman for a few months, a mutual friend who was in love with me and was in an open relationship, but it didn't work out too well, because I had the feeling I was cheating on the woman I really cared for and I wanted someone for myself and I told her so. She was not amused and she said she knew that SHE didn't love me as much as she did and I couldn't get her anyway, etc... and now I was left with nothing?! At the same time SHE also came out of one of her many bad affairs. I didn't speak or see her much at that time obviously and she had changed her working schedule, so I saw her only once or twice a week. So I called her one day and we were catching up about our lives. I jokingly said that all this paved the way for the two of us. And she witty responded, Yes and now we don't see each other as much at work we finally can have sex! I still love the way she said that. So one time I came over her house, we drank some beers and she smoked quite a few joints through the evening and night. I didn't know it was that bad. She was getting tired and cuddled closer to me, until finally we kissed and she said, please never leave me. I was truly in love with her. That's where the trouble starts. Since we knew already so much about each other there was lacking something, a spark. I tried to improve what we had, I wanted to be her soul-mate, doing things together, seeing each other as much as possible of course. But she wouldn't change, it was so one sided, she had strong feelings for me, but was afraid to fall in love with me and kept always a certain distance and often just wanted to be left alone. It just needs more time, she said over and over again. The thing is, she was such a passionate and romantic lover so it made it all the more confusing for me. It was very hard for me, hearing nothing from her for over a week or more after such a passionate night. We never had a real fight. Perhaps that was what she was looking for without knowing it... a man that pulled her out of her hiding place, demanding her to stop smoking pot, with the risk of being dumped, etc.. Not some nice guy who does everything to keep her happy. She broke up with me, no real reason given, two months later she came back to my surprise. She said this time it would be different and I fell for her within a second. Her attitude lasted a few days and from that moment I was even more afraid of losing her. I was already feeling anxious and tired when I was with her and we were both using sex as a weapon. I wanted to be more than a sporadic lover and tried to take her out for dinner, movies, socializing, meeting people, etc. Didn't work out and I tried to be happy with anything she gave me. So she called me one day, I said “we're not going anywhere, is it?” We talked for hours, she said yes, it was over, she was very sorry about not being there for me when I needed her, working on us. It was all her fault, not mine, but she couldn't help it and that she was just not in love with me. There was nothing left to say when we hang up and knew it was for real. I felt completely dead inside. The following days I got so anxious I couldn't sit on chair or lay down or watch tv or sleep or eat. So I've rebuild my entire apartment to get my mind off her, I didn't seek contact with her anymore, from the start I promised never to harass her if things were going wrong, like she has experienced too often. I saw her two more times a few weeks later, the first time I didn't and couldn't say a thing, the second time she came up to me and asked me why I ignored her. I said I had a rough time getting over her and didn't know what to say. I also said I didn't want to completely lose her in my life and perhaps we could have a drink in a few months or so. To my surprise she called the same evening and we had a good conversation. I was hoping we could be friends again someday and promised to call her again. It felt weird after feeling that much pain about her, but at the same time relieved and I was hoping of slowly letting her go if necessary, to ease the pain. So I called her the next week but I was blocked. I saw she has sent me a short message saying, “I don't want any contact anymore, want to move on with my life, just letting you know!”. I felt stupid and in a sense sorry for her. I haven't heard from her since, avoiding her at all costs, I hope she's doing fine, but I doubt she is. Maybe I was just selfish for not leaving her alone. I got medicated for depression and anxiety and just started counseling. It helped somewhat. Still, I lost my confidence and self esteem in a few months time. Now I hate my life and what I've done with it so far, feeling old and washed up, I couldn't make her love me and feel like I missed my once in a lifetime chance, the last thing I want is to look for someone else. I'm reading a lot these days and found this place, hoping to find that single sentence that hits me right on the head. Thanks for reading. Edited March 12, 2015 by Stuck74
Author Stuck74 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) Any thoughts on my story or any tips how to move on? I'd appreciate any feedback so much. I had 2 bad nights of sleep and weird dreams about her. I fear I have gotten sent back in time in my recovery after writing about it. Edited March 13, 2015 by Stuck74
sabd Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 The simple truth is you can't force anyone to love you. And why would you want to? Love is all about freedom. If someone doesn't want to be with you, just let them go. You have to accept that she's not in love with you and doesn't want a relationship with you. This was not a once in a lifetime chance, don't think like that. The end of love is not the end of life Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait. You're doing the right thing by avoiding her at all costs and doing No Contact. It'll take some time but you will start feeling better.
Author Stuck74 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 The simple truth is you can't force anyone to love you. And why would you want to? Love is all about freedom. If someone doesn't want to be with you, just let them go. You have to accept that she's not in love with you and doesn't want a relationship with you. This was not a once in a lifetime chance, don't think like that. The end of love is not the end of life Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait. To me she is by far the most important person I have ever met in my life and I just have a very hard time losing her, at any level. As being a quite isolated person I don't easily meet people who i feel that connected to. I accepted that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I fear that she's making a mess of her life again and there's nothing I can do. But I realized that it was just about me and I should have seen her red flags way earlier. It just feels like I was in a relationship that always was bound to die in the end, but I just couldn't accept it and until the end I was hoping for a miracle from her side. It left me messed up and in deep grief. Oh and now this: It was sheer coincidence that I saw my EX again at work today when she passed my window on the way to the parking lot, we have changed our working shifts before and we kept our affair a secret. She probably had a job evaluation, she looked sad, it was like a lightning struck my heart. It upset me how it still bothered me and after a while my boss asked me if there was something bothering me. So I explained the situation and to my nasty surprise I started bawling my eyes out for the first time after the break up. He was surprised to see ME like that. He was worried, he's a good guy. You're doing the right thing by avoiding her at all costs and doing No Contact. It'll take some time but you will start feeling better. Thanks for that. It IS getting better, 1% every day, I'm working out twice a week, I'm trying to make my mindset change through counseling. She said it could quite some time, seeing the state I'm in, I'm enjoying my hobbies a bit more... I think I need to go out more and finding new friends, but that's not going to be easy, because now it feels that last thing I want to do
Recommended Posts