romanticmoron Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 After a really really good, insanely close relationship with my high school sweetheart she left me for another guy at the end of last year. Anyway for the last 2 months all I sent her was an email sort of apologizing and stating how I felt about everything (dumb I know, but I had no idea where we stood). Once it had been about 2 months NC I sent her a text basically saying "you said you wanted to remain friends. if thats still true youre going to have to acknowledge betraying me and all the lies you told me during the breakup at the very least". It was longer but that was the gist of it. Her response: "How did you find out I was talking to someone else?" When I responded with seriously? thats all you care about? she basically just repreated the question and I got no more responses. This behavior would make sense from a mean-spirited completely selfish person but this was an extremely sweet girl who went out of her way daily to do sweet things for me and even while breaking up with me was never directly mean in any way. We never fought, not even really during the breakup. Could a dumper explain why she would ask that? I really don't get why it would matter. Is all she cares about is if someone ratted her out? It seems like she doesn't care that she did something awful, just that she got caught. Does she think Im a creep or something? We were together for 4 years since high school.. Finding out she was in a facebook relationship was inevitable, especially when she was in it TWO DAYS after getting out of our 4 year relationship living together. I haven't spammed her phone (until now I guess) or anything else intrusive. It makes no sense.
ApexTitanium Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 No one will understand her behavior, she's just going to do what she wants. You don't want to be friends, you aren't ready for it especially after only two months. My ex wanted to be friends and I tried, couldn't do it. Just go back to NC and try and move on....I know its hard I'm doing the same thing. Think about yourself here, this friendship will only hurt you not her. I know you want answers and apologies.... you won't get them, and what she does give you will most likely be lies. 3
Stercrazy Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I think you answered your own question. She sounds immature and quite possibly would not make a good friend. Some people just have too much pride and not enough humility to acknowledge they are a falible humanbeing. This is a blessing and you will emerge a better person from it. 2
Author romanticmoron Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 You are right. I guess I don't so much want to be friends right now. If I did it would just be manipulation to try to get her back. I know that. I am 100% not over her, and getting her back is the #1 thing on my mind even though it shouldn't be. But I just feel like (and this is what I conveyed in the text) that she has treated me so poorly without any sign of guilt or apology that if she doesnt at least acknowledge what she did soon then Ill never be able to forgive her and we won't be able to be friends down the line. We were best damn friends and always looking out for eachother. We had a healthy relationship in every single way except for codependency. Which is why its so weird for her to act this way. Id expect this behavior from a toxic relationship, not from such a blissful one. It's like if a friend does something terrible to you, you can forgive them if they show guilt. But if they then proceed to pretend you dont exist, they clearly arent even feeling guilty about what they did to you. And at that point it seems unforgivable.
HowMightI-live Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 You are right. I guess I don't so much want to be friends right now. If I did it would just be manipulation to try to get her back. I know that. I am 100% not over her, and getting her back is the #1 thing on my mind even though it shouldn't be. But I just feel like (and this is what I conveyed in the text) that she has treated me so poorly without any sign of guilt or apology that if she doesnt at least acknowledge what she did soon then Ill never be able to forgive her and we won't be able to be friends down the line. We were best damn friends and always looking out for eachother. We had a healthy relationship in every single way except for codependency. Which is why its so weird for her to act this way. Id expect this behavior from a toxic relationship, not from such a blissful one. It's like if a friend does something terrible to you, you can forgive them if they show guilt. But if they then proceed to pretend you dont exist, they clearly arent even feeling guilty about what they did to you. And at that point it seems unforgivable. Dont worry about the 'never being able to forgive her part.' because what you see as never being able to forgive will one day blossom into indifference. Trust me, this is bot one of those things youre likely to take to your grave. You'll move on, find love; true love. You'll know what it truly feels like to share a life with someone worth sharing it with and it wasnt her. You deserve better, will do better and this too shall pass. 1
Stercrazy Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 "Best damn friends" acknowledge when they are wrong and apologized with sincerity.
Author romanticmoron Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Right, that's what is so weird. I can't even fathom how someone's feelings can 180 so quickly that you go from "best damn friends" to complete disregard for the other human being's emotions and well being. Like, you'd think 4 years was long enough to really get to know a person. That's why I'm so confused. For the 4 years we were in love, she was not the type of person who would act the way she is acting now. If I fell out of love I wouldn't completely stop treating the person like a human being, and she didn't seem at all like the kind of person that would either. I think this is the kind of thing that turns a person in to a cold-hearted un-trusting bitter person. I don't see myself ever trusting another girl or pouring my heart into someone if I can't learn who they truly are even after 4 years. What's the point if a person can just effortlessly abandon you without ever showing any warning signs? It seems like relationships are just a ****ty gamble. You have to hope the person you are dedicating a large portion of your life to isn't going to completely change on you in an instant.
binrob Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 She sounds a bit like my ex. We were together 4 years, she left me and a day or two after I saw through a mutual friends instagram that she was out clubbing. I just texted her "be careful ,don't go home alone", since we live neighbours and pretty close to the club I know she would just walk home in the middle of the night. Her reply was "what?" I just said "I saw that you were out clubbing, just be careful going home". All she asked was "where did you see me?" I just said, "What does it matter", she said "because", I told her I had seen her on her friends instagram. Her reply was "leave me alone" then I was blocked. 2 weeks later I see her holding hands with a new guy, they are now in a relationship and its been over 3 months. It could be that they just didn't want you to know they were doing things incase it didn't work out so they could fall back on you.
sabd Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 It's like if a friend does something terrible to you, you can forgive them if they show guilt. But if they then proceed to pretend you dont exist, they clearly arent even feeling guilty about what they did to you. And at that point it seems unforgivable. That's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not excusing someone after they've apologised to you, nor is it reconciliation of any kind. Forgiveness, at a minimum, is a decision to let go of the desire for revenge and ill-will toward the person who wronged you. Not for them. For YOU. Its a gift you give yourself. 1
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Cheaters become great actors and think that they're really slick. They think that they have all their bases covered and when they find out that you know, they want to ask a LOT of questions to find out where they went wrong and what EXACTLY do you know.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 As a dumper who wasn't exactly the nicest, person to the guys I was dumping (I was young, and have since learned a lot about compassion and empathy) I have perhaps some insight. This was what I had done on a few occasions, anyway and is just my own experience, but it may help. I was guilty of the whole "We were fine up until you dumped me out of nowhere" thing too. The reasons I did it like that were because I didn't want to make it work, and acted like everything was fine to avoid having to have any talks about what was going on. And because I was simply lying. I left one guy for someone else and didn't want my current boyfriend to catch on, so I acted like all was well. I think that these reasons are true for quite a few situations, especially if the dumper gets right into another relationship. You're right, there's no way someone could lose feelings so quickly. This means then that they hadn't been feeling like that for a while and were lying. You also mentioned that you two never really fought, in the whole four-year relationship? This speaks to a big lack of communication. Every couple has times where they are in disagreement, and the ones that don't address it are the ones who ultimately break up. Not arguing isn't necessarily the sign of a healthy relationship, especially if one partner has issues with the other that aren't being addressed.
HowMightI-live Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Cheaters become great actors and think that they're really slick. They think that they have all their bases covered and when they find out that you know, they want to ask a LOT of questions to find out where they went wrong and what EXACTLY do you know. LOL, wow. My ex did that exact thing. Found out she had cheated after she had broken up with me for the first time and her biggest concern? How did i know and what exactly did i know. After i told her someone we both knew spotted her kissing her ex, her response was that it was only a kiss that happened once and that she didnt care whether or not i believed her. She said it so nonchalantly, i couldnt believe it. Even after she was caught, she had nothing to apologize about. One time my ass, right? It wasnt until a year later after NC that she started resurfacing, begging me to give her another chance that she admitted to having slept with the ex numerous times, which was no shocker.
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 LOL, wow. My ex did that exact thing. Found out she had cheated after she had broken up with me for the first time and her biggest concern? How did i know and what exactly did i know. After i told her someone we both knew spotted her kissing her ex, her response was that it was only a kiss that happened once and that she didnt care whether or not i believed her. She said it so nonchalantly, i couldnt believe it. Even after she was caught, she had nothing to apologize about. One time my ass, right? It wasnt until a year later after NC that she started resurfacing, begging me to give her another chance that she admitted to having slept with the ex numerous times, which was no shocker. Yeah dude, your Ex followed the script almost to a tee! Another thing cheaters do is only admit to what you can prove. A friend see's your girlfriend or boyfriend go into a restaurant with someone else and told you about it. Then, that's all they'll admit to. That they just had lunch, no big deal and nothing happened! Nevermind that after lunch he/she spent the afternoon in their apartment, the only thing you can prove is lunch. Then, when a cheater confesses, they usually tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened. Yours let it all out there and told you almost everything. But, then again, so much time has past that she doesn't think your an idiot to believe that she didn't sleep with this guy
Author romanticmoron Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 We didnt fight, we talked things out. Not to toot my own horn but I was a godlike communicator and was always able to keep my cool and calm her down and see her side of a problem as well as my own. I can remember one time I ever yelled at her in a mean/petty way. The rest of your post seems spot on though. Its just weird, I thought she was kinder and more mature. I thought I meant more to her even outside a relationship. Jokes on me.
HowMightI-live Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 We didnt fight, we talked things out. Not to toot my own horn but I was a godlike communicator and was always able to keep my cool and calm her down and see her side of a problem as well as my own. I can remember one time I ever yelled at her in a mean/petty way. The rest of your post seems spot on though. Its just weird, I thought she was kinder and more mature. I thought I meant more to her even outside a relationship. Jokes on me. All of that and still, it doesn't matter. You could go back and forth forever and ever trying to figure out how this could of happened, how she could be so cold. You could look at all the signs and hints she might have let on and it still wouldnt change that fact. You still wouldn't know the whole story; the whole truth. Exercise the idea that you may never know truly why. Half the time the dumper doesnt even know truly why. It could be as simple as another guy or as complex as human emotions itself. She might not even know why she doesnt want to be with you anymore, she jist doesnt want to be with you anymore. Its sucks, but thats the way it is sometimes.
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