Auspecial Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 We met 6 months ago at an up-scale event where I was bartending. He pursued me and I liked him from the start although I was dubious because of his paygrade vs. my paygrade. But this didn't seem to bother him at all. My other concern was that he is separated and I have a policy against dating separated men. However, his divorce is in proceedings and things were otherwise quite nice. Then, little things started coming up that alluded that he actually did have a problem with my paygrade and lack of prestigious job. Maybe he wasn't thinking about me seriously at first so that's why it didn't bother him. Or, maybe mitigated by the fact that I have at one time, had a prestigious job. Anyhow, his first comment when I told him about the business I was starting was "that's ok for now," as if it was inadequate. I let it slide. Then he began asking me to let him review and edit my resume! Any of you that have been through any job snafu, knows how utterly exhausting it is to have people constantly trying to be your savior and repair your resume, as it must be terrible if you can't get a better job. Ridiculous! I let him know I felt very awkward about that, and if he wants we can have a resume party and he can refresh his and I will edit it and he can edit mine. (of course, that didn't happen.) In December he invited me to a Christmas party with his closest friends. He is a very sociable person. Anyhow, each time someone would ask what I do for a living, he got up and left the room, I felt like he was embarrassed and I wasn't embarrassed until he did this and it made me feel like a piss ant. I blew it off for the most part because the party went very well and everyone had fun. A different evening we went out he was telling me that he was trying to get his friend to get rid of a woman he liked, because she wasn't ambitious enough. At this point I am feeling like its all pretty much over, because he doesn't really respect what I do. Later that night I was joking about the trials of dating a separated man, and he responded, "yeah, and look what I ended up with." And then started back-pedaling saying how much he liked me. But, it was over at that moment, because of that and all the comments before. I broke things off, telling him that we aren't in the same place as he isn't divorced yet and he doesn't understand my work and that frustrated me. He tried telling me that he had at first not understood my work but its not a concern at all now, and he accepts me as I am. I am thinking he either was sincerely trying to get his mind around the paygrade issue, or he is simply lonely and hasn't found anyone else to date. What do you think? He is still steadily texting me, trying to keep me around, but has stopped trying to get me to see him. I haven't told him to leave me the hell alone, because aside from the job thing, he is a great guy and I liked him a lot. I don't mind a friendship with him, but I can't be romantic with someone I feel does not fully respect me.
Author Auspecial Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Sorry not enough paragraphs. For some reason my keyboard isn't liking the space bar right now.
Buddhist Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 To be honest how can you be friends with someone with that hangup? If someone is embarrassed because of me I don't waste any more of my time on them, why bother? He is only going to continue to try and change you to cover his own shame. I'd just wish him well in having friends who all have compatible tax returns. 3
SycamoreCircle Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Good riddance. Delete. Block. Forget. There is a guy out there who will not put you down, who will look out for your best interests without heaving his own agenda onto you, and who will show you off like the prize you are. 3
Author Auspecial Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Good riddance. Delete. Block. Forget. There is a guy out there who will not put you down, who will look out for your best interests without heaving his own agenda onto you, and who will show you off like the prize you are. Thank You.
Author Auspecial Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 To be honest how can you be friends with someone with that hangup? If someone is embarrassed because of me I don't waste any more of my time on them, why bother? He is only going to continue to try and change you to cover his own shame. I'd just wish him well in having friends who all have compatible tax returns. Yes, I guess that is true. There are many other very positive things about him, so I tried to work with it but it just isn't workable, unless he changes his mindset, which is unlikely. You are also right about his "shame." He did (he said) come from a poor background and he pulled himself up and out. I guess we all respond to different things in different ways. For me, I don't feel shame for having a financial snafu, I feel annoyed. lol
gaius Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 The fact he grew up poor is even more reason he should have empathy and respect for people who don't make an enormous paycheck. =/ It does sound like he's attracted to you but he's just weak and puts a higher priority on what his friends think than what he wants. 2
Author Auspecial Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 The fact he grew up poor is even more reason he should have empathy and respect for people who don't make an enormous paycheck. =/ It does sound like he's attracted to you but he's just weak and puts a higher priority on what his friends think than what he wants. Seems so. :/ Well, its his life, after all. 1
road Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I have not been successful in my financial life. Though I never required that the girl that I married would have to pull in big money for her to be a good wife. Matter of fact if I made enough money I would have no problem if she wanted to be a SAHM. Dump him. And I hope that you have learnt that there is a reason that you do not date married people. This guy is not divorced. 1
Author Auspecial Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 I have not been successful in my financial life. Though I never required that the girl that I married would have to pull in big money for her to be a good wife. Matter of fact if I made enough money I would have no problem if she wanted to be a SAHM. Dump him. And I hope that you have learnt that there is a reason that you do not date married people. This guy is not divorced. How true!!
Redhead14 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 We met 6 months ago at an up-scale event where I was bartending. He pursued me and I liked him from the start although I was dubious because of his paygrade vs. my paygrade. But this didn't seem to bother him at all. My other concern was that he is separated and I have a policy against dating separated men. However, his divorce is in proceedings and things were otherwise quite nice. Then, little things started coming up that alluded that he actually did have a problem with my paygrade and lack of prestigious job. Maybe he wasn't thinking about me seriously at first so that's why it didn't bother him. Or, maybe mitigated by the fact that I have at one time, had a prestigious job. Anyhow, his first comment when I told him about the business I was starting was "that's ok for now," as if it was inadequate. I let it slide. Then he began asking me to let him review and edit my resume! Any of you that have been through any job snafu, knows how utterly exhausting it is to have people constantly trying to be your savior and repair your resume, as it must be terrible if you can't get a better job. Ridiculous! I let him know I felt very awkward about that, and if he wants we can have a resume party and he can refresh his and I will edit it and he can edit mine. (of course, that didn't happen.) In December he invited me to a Christmas party with his closest friends. He is a very sociable person. Anyhow, each time someone would ask what I do for a living, he got up and left the room, I felt like he was embarrassed and I wasn't embarrassed until he did this and it made me feel like a piss ant. I blew it off for the most part because the party went very well and everyone had fun. A different evening we went out he was telling me that he was trying to get his friend to get rid of a woman he liked, because she wasn't ambitious enough. At this point I am feeling like its all pretty much over, because he doesn't really respect what I do. Later that night I was joking about the trials of dating a separated man, and he responded, "yeah, and look what I ended up with." And then started back-pedaling saying how much he liked me. But, it was over at that moment, because of that and all the comments before. I broke things off, telling him that we aren't in the same place as he isn't divorced yet and he doesn't understand my work and that frustrated me. He tried telling me that he had at first not understood my work but its not a concern at all now, and he accepts me as I am. I am thinking he either was sincerely trying to get his mind around the paygrade issue, or he is simply lonely and hasn't found anyone else to date. What do you think? He is still steadily texting me, trying to keep me around, but has stopped trying to get me to see him. I haven't told him to leave me the hell alone, because aside from the job thing, he is a great guy and I liked him a lot. I don't mind a friendship with him, but I can't be romantic with someone I feel does not fully respect me. He isn't making you feel respected and hasn't from the beginning. That is enough to end it Period. Don't respond to him anymore at all. Let it drop. He isn't initiating any dates with you and basically keeping you on a string. If he actually calls you, you explain to him that you don't think you two are a good match and wish him well. Do not get into a detailed discussion and say goodbye. 1
oldshirt Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 This was a near miss. There are lots of those in the dating world. 1
Diezel Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 The fact he grew up poor is even more reason he should have empathy and respect for people who don't make an enormous paycheck. =/ It does sound like he's attracted to you but he's just weak and puts a higher priority on what his friends think than what he wants. I think something is being misconstrued here. He went about it wrong, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't have (at some point) empathy and respect for her. He did offer to help her with her resume, but he was a little too bravado about it. There is nothing wrong with monetary/ambition standards in a relationship, but there are certain lines that shouldn't be crossed. It should have been her coming to him to ask for help with the resume, if that as her desire. I've seen these kind of men before, they think they are HELPING but the reality is, they don't see that they are a bigger part of the problem, but not a solution... it's unsolicited advice and seen as a put down. No one needs to deal with that. 1
preraph Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Yes, I guess that is true. There are many other very positive things about him, so I tried to work with it but it just isn't workable, unless he changes his mindset, which is unlikely. You are also right about his "shame." He did (he said) come from a poor background and he pulled himself up and out. I guess we all respond to different things in different ways. For me, I don't feel shame for having a financial snafu, I feel annoyed. lol See, that shame is his shame, not yours, so don't take it on. You are assuming he is making a lot of money and he may not even be. If he is ashamed of nonprestigious jobs and low paying ones, there's a very good chance he's just lying about what he makes and/or what his position is. I would expect him to be wanting to spend money on accessories and things that make him look like he has more money than he doesn't. I wouldn't stay with anyone who was projecting their shame onto me. It isn't healthy. He will blame you for failure if you are a couple. 1
Author Auspecial Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 It should have been her coming to him to ask for help with the resume, if that as her desire. I've seen these kind of men before, they think they are HELPING but the reality is, they don't see that they are a bigger part of the problem, but not a solution... it's unsolicited advice and seen as a put down. No one needs to deal with that. Exactly!! Thank you! I know that he meant well, but I am a grown woman who has been successful, and I know how to write a resume! I have already had too many ppl do this. Its really annoying. And telling, that when I suggested that we each review and edit each others resumes, there was silence. :/
Author Auspecial Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 See, that shame is his shame, not yours, so don't take it on. You are assuming he is making a lot of money and he may not even be. If he is ashamed of nonprestigious jobs and low paying ones, there's a very good chance he's just lying about what he makes and/or what his position is. I would expect him to be wanting to spend money on accessories and things that make him look like he has more money than he doesn't. I wouldn't stay with anyone who was projecting their shame onto me. It isn't healthy. He will blame you for failure if you are a couple. I concur.
Recommended Posts