Jheirae Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I guess I'm looking to reach out because I don't know what to do or who to talk to. So I love my boyfriend! I absolutely adore him... And for the most part our relationship is great... However he doesn't treat me the way I feel I should be treated. I've given him everything and all I want is to feel special, like maybe some flowers once in awhile or him plan and evening for us, or to buy me a gift or to surprise me... Anything! He made the mistake of letting me know with all his exes that he use to buy then flowers, gifts, take them on weekend vacations somewhere... He use to be romantic and one of them he even wanted to have children and marry her... I get it sucks how things had worked out but I treat him like a king and he loves it! I don't want to go into details but he express how happy he is with me and how amazing I am. I go out of my way to make him dinner, surprise him with gifts. I'll plan an evening once in awhile for us and I'll let him do whatever he wants. I just feel that I make him feel special... And he use to do this for all these other women, why can't he do it for me? We have a child together and our sex life is great, so that I am not complain about. But I've found myself wasting away... I just had a baby and I don't feel pretty, and he expresses I am, but that as I mentioned above, is all I want; to feel special! And he tells me I deserve these things and says he will, and he hasn't... I'm almost fed up! I don't wanna sound selfish but I feel I put in 110% and he puts in like 25%. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm ranting... But I just need it off my chest and I guess what to do? I wanna be treated the way a girlfriend should and I guess what upsets me most is he use to be like this for everyone else... And for me, I don't get that... I get told I'm the perfect girlfriend, and I'm amazing... Yet he won't spoil me or show me a good time... I know it's silly but even a single rose would make me smile and yet, nothing... He even treats his family and friends better than me I feel. Like, I need him to do something for me and he puts it off for several weeks... But a friend or family will ask and he will jump! He doesn't see it that way, but perfect example before baby was born, he kept promising to help me with baby stuff like get the room together, the stroller and carseat, etc. And he literally put it off for the six months I wanted to do it! His friend needed to move and he promised to help with me baby stuff... He told his friend sure and went to help him and left me to do the baby stuff... Then didn't know why I was upset. Or he went to drive a friends mom around to do shopping and went out drinking with his friends when I was nine months pregnant and didn't get why I was angry when I literally could've went into labour any day (I was told I was six cm dilated and literally could've gone anytime... Luckily I didn't go into labour until a week later) but you get the idea.... So... I'm just at a loss. Ive just stopped wearing makeup and stopped wearing sexy lingerie... I can't feel like myself and I don't feel like trying to please him anymore because I literally feel worthless and yet it doesn't phase him and he thinks I'm being ridiculous. Anyway, imma stop ranting on and I guess see if someone can give me advice, or tell me I'm being stupid I dunno lol... I just wanna be treated equally and I feel I'm not getting that at all.
Author Jheirae Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I've talked to him. Hell I've fought with him lol... We get into an argument about it and he promises to treat me better but it's like he forgets and it never happens. I feel I might only be staying because we have a baby at this point. I'm so in love with this man but I've never had a man treat me like this... All my past boyfriends too me out and took care at least some point in the relationship. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Wow OP.. You sound awesome. A woman that truly appreciates how the male/female dynamic should be. It's a shame he doesn't truly appreciate it though. The courting process never really stops. You have to always do things to make a woman feel special and have date nights. I think for both sexes, getting too comfortable and being complacent is what hurts long term relationships. In the beginning, both people have their best foot forward. Guys plan dates and do the little things, women stay fit, dress sexy, give regular BJ's and be freaky in the bedroom, etc.. But as time passes, the comfortable feeling sets in, and people figure that since they have the person, they don't have to try as hard. I say always try to act like you did in the first three months. 1
Zahara Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I just wanna be treated equally and I feel I'm not getting that at all. It's not going to happen. You can't force someone to treat you the way you want them to treat you and if it has fallen on deaf ears over and over again, chances are it isn't happening. What's worse is the fact that he has treated other women better than you -- it could be an untrue statement just to jab at you but if it were true, then it says a lot about how he views you. Then there's the treatment towards his family and friends -- a stark indication that you're far down the list in terms of prioritizing your needs and wants. Chances are he's bored and isn't motivated about putting the effort into the relationship. If I were you, I wouldn't cater to him so much because when you give too much, you're often taken for granted and the other almost losses any sense of giving back. So stop bending over backwards to appease him. Regardless of how he is behaving, you should upkeep yourself and continue to validate yourself rather than walking around frumpy because some man won't give you the attention you desire. Why have you placed your worth in his hands? If anything you are perpetuating your own feelings of devaluation. He doesn't define who you are. Stay in that mindset and you'll lose all sense of self and become an empty shell. If he doesn't change then you can 1) stay and remain in a relationship that doesn't make you feel good because no amount of complaining will get you anywhere 2) you can leave and focus on your child and maybe in time feel good and happy about yourself and your life regardless of whether you have a man in your life or not. 1
Author Jheirae Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Yeah I've told him that as well... I feel s relationship should be treated as you're always fighting for that person. You should chase after them no matter what to show how much you love and appreciate! I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle at this point. I know it sounds silly, but if he surprised me with a simple flower it'd make my world turn from blue to gold in a matter of seconds. I just wanna know he heard me and appreciates me. It's not the fact I want flowers, but the simple fact that he went out, took the time to find them just to see me smile... And I've just plain out said hey, I'd like it if you bought me some flowers sometime. and he's said he would, and I've waited weeks, months before mentioning it again and I've never received... Even valentine's day I would've loved a flower and I got nothing.. He told me out to dinner and don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful time... But all I actually wanted was a flower to signify that he listened and got me the one thing I've been asking for, for months. So again I know it might sound silly, but its all I wanted him to do just to make me feel like he thought about me one day and got me the one thing I asked for. And sorry for typos in my posts... I'm on a cell phone so it's all funky. XD
Poppyolive Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Sorry you feel this way. Sounds like he has gotten lazy and complacent. Here's my advice. Yes, there are lots of things he needs to do, in his part of the relationship. I think you are going through some changes yourself. Not feeling sexy, worthless, among others you mentioned. They are things he can't do for you and shouldn't have to do for you. Also, I bet feeling like that has made you more jaded and resentful and possibly magnifying the issues you have with him. (Now, he still is doing wrong, I'm not blaming you) I think if you spend some more time loving yourself, get a pedicure for you, eat cake with your friend, look into fun community centre classes to take, for yourself. Build your self worth and love up. Take some time away fighting with your boyfriend. When you're feeling better for you, you will have a clearer head to lay down some boundaries. Who knows, you might inspire him to change, open his eyes to the issues chipping at your relationship. Yes, all of above, still doesn't fix your conflicts. But, it will make you feel good inside and shed a new light on the conflicts at hand.
Arieswoman Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Jheirae, I just had a baby and I don't feel pretty How long ago did you have baby? It is quite natural to have "baby blues" after a delivery as the hormones are all over the place. If it continues more than a couple of weeks you could have post-natal depression. Postpartum Depression and the Baby Blues: Symptoms, Treatment, and Support for New Mothers Please talk to whichever healthcare professional is advising you about baby at the moment. Good luck and enjoy your new arrival !
Author Jheirae Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Honestly you're right. I know he can't do those things for me... I just feel so off these days. I just had our son in January so I guess I'm still recovering from that, plus the crappy winter weather lol... I just needed to get it off my chest I suppose haha... I haven't been able to talk to anyone really and I have talked to him but he feels I'm nagging and gets mad at me for asking him to show a little romance. I mean he use to in the beginning show me a good time, and now like mentioned, he's gotten lazy and it just seems like he did more for past relationships than he's ever done for me... I just wanna feel special and instead of that, he rather go do other stuff. Yet he still expects me to sleep with him and do all the things I do... I think the only thing making me happy lately is our baby. Seeing him smile cheers me up and makes me feel alive, but when I'm with my boyfriend, I feel like almost not trying anymore. I still do what I gotta do but I almost wanna give up and I fee terrible even thinking that way.
Author Jheirae Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Oh and ty haha. Yea I've talked to my doctor about it and let her know I'm feeling a little depressed... ^.^ had the baby almost two months ago so it's definitely something!
Poppyolive Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Venting here is great. Can you take a wee trip just you and babe? Treat yourself. Even if its only a night.
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Ditch the kid at grandmas for half a day, slap on some lingerie and ride him hard. Sex/cooking is the key to a man's romantic heart. ( I think I hear some cheers from the guys lol)
badpenny Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 No, what she should do is go out for an evening with any friends she has, and let her BF look after the baby for the evening. This will have several effects: One, it will give her a much deserved evening off from constantly looking a little baby on her own all day. When babies are this small, they take up all your time, energy and attention. It's no wonder she's feeling neglected and ignored... And it's really demanding to have to come up with the goods (sexy underwear, make-up) when you have baby-burp all over your shoulder... It takes the female body about a year to get back to normal after giving birth - women need to respect themselves and give themselves recovery time!! Two: it will show him it's bloody hard work. This is HIS child too. He's a FATHER. And he should take equal responsibility for looking after the baby, and give her some 'me time' to get her mojo back.... He's irresponsible and inattentive, and frankly, I'm stunned this woman loves him as much as she does. Honey you keep taking this, and he will keep dishing it. if nothing improves, go home to mother. And leave the baby with him for a week, see how he copes.... 2
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Remember the reason why there are no flowers is because he is feeling neglected....your focus is on the baby. Men tend to feel very turned off/left out when the woman's attention is on the baby and not on them anymore. In some cases this has led to some men to cheat.
badpenny Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Remember the reason why there are no flowers is because he is feeling neglected....your focus is on the baby. Men tend to feel very turned off/left out when the woman's attention is on the baby and not on them anymore. In some cases this has led to some men to cheat. HE'S Feeling neglected - ?! How about he turns round and starts behaving a bit more like a doting BF and less like a child with a sense of entitlement?! Remember he was behaving this way BEFORE the baby came along! 3
Woggle Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 What kind of results did he get when he did these things for his exes? That will explain things. 1
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 HE'S Feeling neglected - ?! How about he turns round and starts behaving a bit more like a doting BF and less like a child with a sense of entitlement?! Remember he was behaving this way BEFORE the baby came along! Well then why are you having a child with a man who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated???? You should have moved on and found a man that did appreciate you. Since he was already like this, sorry hun you can't change him, it's his personality, the way he is as a person. Were you hoping someday he would turn the right way for you? Big mistake on your part. Love will not change him, fix him, make him the man you want him to be. Having his baby won't make it work either. Don't go by the bs he has told you about his past relationships. His perspective of what happened is distored by his "self entitled" manner. He is the reason why these relationships flopped....and it's not going to be his last. Slap of reality: Since you are unhappy with the way he is, and he isn't going to change for you because he is a brat, this relationship is doomed. 1
darkmoon Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) no sex is asking for trouble, he will get a screw elsewhere, men have needs insist on a day off, one crummy day you will get, let him see what being a housewife and mother is if he will not give you a day off, go to your mothers with a phoney contagious illness say no to a mans' needs has caused infidelity twice i know of, without trying to find anything but no sex, he is young, spring is coming... jus never tell him you duped him, i hope all goes better Edited March 11, 2015 by darkmoon
Buddhist Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Remember the reason why there are no flowers is because he is feeling neglected....your focus is on the baby. Men tend to feel very turned off/left out when the woman's attention is on the baby and not on them anymore. In some cases this has led to some men to cheat. Oh for Gods sake. Maybe we should stop treating men like children and expect them to grow the hell up. If a man is jealous of his own child then he as issues. How narcissistic can you get.....don't take care of that infant, focus on me, me, me! God if I was with a guy this weak willed and narcissistic new locks on my home would be my priority. Part of the problem is that society doesn't ever expect males to develop even an ounce of emotional maturity and allows them to get around with the emotional development of a toddler forevermore. Women pandering to this notion just make it worse. In contrast girls are expected to display a large amount of emotional maturity by about age 10 and put other people's need and interests ahead of their own. No wonder we have a large population of man-children who's basic response to not getting what they want is to act like a child throwing toys out of the pram. Edited March 12, 2015 by Buddhist 3
Els Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 OP, has he ALWAYS been like this, or has it only started after you had a child together? Either way it isn't acceptable, but the solution differs in each case.
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) If she cuts off sex, he's going to immediately say, "What's wrong"? - that's her cue to have the talk with him, and now is when he will be open to really listen to her and change. Then they will work it out, and have makeup sex. Ive just stopped wearing makeup and stopped wearing sexy lingerie... - She already started showing her anger, but this is not enough, she has to really shock this guy to wake him up. Why throw a relationship away? Let's try to save it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. It has to be their own idea. Edited March 12, 2015 by Gary S
Hopeful30 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Sounds like he's all talk to be honest. And you're making excuses for him. You're not happy. That should be enough for you to make changes. Edited March 12, 2015 by Hopeful30
Maxtor Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I guess I'm looking to reach out because I don't know what to do or who to talk to. So I love my boyfriend! I absolutely adore him... And for the most part our relationship is great... However he doesn't treat me the way I feel I should be treated. I've given him everything and all I want is to feel special, like maybe some flowers once in awhile or him plan and evening for us, or to buy me a gift or to surprise me... Anything! He made the mistake of letting me know with all his exes that he use to buy then flowers, gifts, take them on weekend vacations somewhere... He use to be romantic and one of them he even wanted to have children and marry her... I get it sucks how things had worked out but I treat him like a king and he loves it! I don't want to go into details but he express how happy he is with me and how amazing I am. I go out of my way to make him dinner, surprise him with gifts. I'll plan an evening once in awhile for us and I'll let him do whatever he wants. I just feel that I make him feel special... And he use to do this for all these other women, why can't he do it for me? We have a child together and our sex life is great, so that I am not complain about. But I've found myself wasting away... I just had a baby and I don't feel pretty, and he expresses I am, but that as I mentioned above, is all I want; to feel special! And he tells me I deserve these things and says he will, and he hasn't... I'm almost fed up! I don't wanna sound selfish but I feel I put in 110% and he puts in like 25%. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm ranting... But I just need it off my chest and I guess what to do? I wanna be treated the way a girlfriend should and I guess what upsets me most is he use to be like this for everyone else... And for me, I don't get that... I get told I'm the perfect girlfriend, and I'm amazing... Yet he won't spoil me or show me a good time... I know it's silly but even a single rose would make me smile and yet, nothing... He even treats his family and friends better than me I feel. Like, I need him to do something for me and he puts it off for several weeks... But a friend or family will ask and he will jump! He doesn't see it that way, but perfect example before baby was born, he kept promising to help me with baby stuff like get the room together, the stroller and carseat, etc. And he literally put it off for the six months I wanted to do it! His friend needed to move and he promised to help with me baby stuff... He told his friend sure and went to help him and left me to do the baby stuff... Then didn't know why I was upset. Or he went to drive a friends mom around to do shopping and went out drinking with his friends when I was nine months pregnant and didn't get why I was angry when I literally could've went into labour any day (I was told I was six cm dilated and literally could've gone anytime... Luckily I didn't go into labour until a week later) but you get the idea.... So... I'm just at a loss. Ive just stopped wearing makeup and stopped wearing sexy lingerie... I can't feel like myself and I don't feel like trying to please him anymore because I literally feel worthless and yet it doesn't phase him and he thinks I'm being ridiculous. Anyway, imma stop ranting on and I guess see if someone can give me advice, or tell me I'm being stupid I dunno lol... I just wanna be treated equally and I feel I'm not getting that at all. Probably he used to be all romantic, and it never worked. Now he is not and it works for him. It happens to a lot of guys. They waste money, time and effort and get nothing. So they decide to stop putting that effort, most of the time, it works. Like someone said, who cares less, wins. Sad but most of the time true.
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