Conflict

[losangelena]

So I've been feeling for a while now that, in terms of spending time with my BF, I get the scraps. He works, and is dedicated to working out, and I understand and respect all of that. But he has a habit reaching out to me to make day-of plans, and when he can't make something I invite him to, he doesn't offer an alternate time. Often, I feel like I do the heavy lifting when it comes to making sure we have time together. When we do make time, I find that I often have to wait for him, and when he does show up, he's tired or he doesn't seem like he ever wants to do anything.

 

Anyway, I finally expressed that to him last night—that I don't think it's intentional on his part, but that when he changes plans or won't make plans, that I feel like I'm a low priority for him, and that it would make me feel more cared for and respected if we could just be a little more communicative about plans and time.

 

I wasn't expecting his reaction. He got upset, said he felt bad about making me feel bad, and then kind of shut down (ugh). After a long silence, he admitted that he was being selfish, but that he was feeling freaked out and couldn't agree to that level of commitment; that he'd be afraid he wouldn't be able to keep plans or set aside time for me, and that he'd disappoint me and he doesn't want to upset me.

 

Clearly, not what I wanted to hear, but I told him I appreciated his honesty (about feeling freaked out). I assured him I wasn't asking for some next-level sh*t, and that I was just telling him that it would help me to feel secure about our relationship if we were more communicative. For example, I have a one-and-a-half hour long commute to work (mostly by train), so if we're going to spend a weeknight together, I've asked that we plan just one day ahead, so that I can be sure to bring overnight stuff with me and a change of clothes (he also said he's not ready for me to leave more than a toothbrush at his place). He wasn't even able to promise that.

 

He kept saying that he's freaked out, that he feels we're moving too fast, that he doesn't know what he wants, and that he needed time to think about it. I took that as my cue to leave him be, and I told him I'd wait to hear from him. I went over to a friend's house after that, to talk and process and cry—I really thought that was it for us, or that it'd be a few days before I heard from him, at least. So imagine my surprise when he texted me around 11:00, asking if I was there. I said yes, and he started texting an apology, but then thought better of it and called. He said he was sorry for being an ass, that he was sorry for making me feel bad, and that we'd "work it out."

 

Phew, what an emotional roller coaster! We need to have a longer convo about it, obviously. It was late when he called, and we were both tired and I had been talking at that point for like three hours straight. At first I was relieved, but now I'm wondering how to proceed. I feel like a wait and see approach will be best. I'm not expecting perfection from him (and told him that), but at the same time, I don't want to be with someone who isn't all-in. How long do you give a guy to figure out how he feels?

 

Edited to add: I have felt like this has been the truth of the matter for some time, which is why I waited so long to say anything—I really didn't want to know the answer. Also, I have been reading today on LS about other women whose men have said similar things to them recently, and so ofter the outcome is the same—the men just weren't in it enough, not invested enough. Is that what's happening here? He says we'll work it out, but will we? Will I forever be nagged by this thought that his heart's not really in this?

 

God, relationships are hard.

Edited March 11, 2015 by losangelena

[BluEyeL]

Sorry to hear about the fight. How long have you two been dating?

[DivorcedDad123]

I think we're in the same boat,except I'm your bf(metaphorically speaking).

My working out has to be within a certain timeframe or my whole day is off.

It has to be done after work,within a couple of hours. That way I can go about my evening.

As for making plans, my gf and I usually share that responsability,although she probably does so more than I at this point.

How often do you two see each other?

We started seeing each other almost every day from early on and it started to wear on me. I have things I want to do myself or with other people. Spending too much time with a SO takes away from individual time. It had gotten to the point that even when I had my kids,she wanted to come over in the morning,after we had just seen each other the night prior.

Right now she's backed off quite a bit and it's nice to have a breather,for myself. I think she see's it as me not wanting her around, but it's actually that I miss "my" time. I get so very little of it with everything else going on in life.

Maybe that's kinda what he's experiencing too?

[writergal]

I was in that situation with a guy I dated where the interest level wasn't equal (on his part, less interest). He gave me the same excuse "we'll work it out" after I confronted him with the exact same argument, "I feel like an option, not a priority. So...what am I to you?" Turns out, I was just an option for the guy; someone to fill the void. He also gave me the excuse "we'll work it out," but that was his way of stalling the inevitable, impending breakup...that he initiated. I wasn't surprised when he dumped me. I felt relief that the limbo with him was over, and annoyed that he didn't even really give me a chance for a potential long-term relationship.

 

Some guys are just half-in when they meet you for so many different reasons. None of those reasons usually have anything to do with the woman though. Mostly just his issues.

 

So, I guess if you want to stay in limbo to "wait and see," go ahead. But frankly, I'd just cut that one loose, mourn the loss, and try again with someone new. He sounds like a dead weight anyway, holding you back from what you deserve, which is an equally committed relationship with a guy. He doesn't sound like he wants that with you.

[losangelena]

Sorry to hear about the fight. How long have you two been dating?

 

Thanks, BluEyeL. We just passed six months this past weekend.

[BluEyeL]

I'm worried about him saying he's not ready to let you keep stuff at his house. My BF emptied a drawer for me after three-four months and bought me the toothbrush and a pink hair dryer.

 

What you should do right now is this. You back off. Men do not respond to words. They take it as nagging and as you trying to limit their freedom. You back off, act happy, not in a sulking way. Say, I understand you need more space for yourself and it's hard for you to do more. We will work it out (back at him).

 

Then do not stay the night if you don't have the clothes, just go home. Oh honey, I'd love to stay but I can't. Cut back on how often you see each other and act always happy and as you're not worried about anything.

 

If it's to end, it'll end anyway but the only way to get perspective and change anything in such situations is to move further away when he retreats.

[losangelena]

I think we're in the same boat,except I'm your bf(metaphorically speaking).

My working out has to be within a certain timeframe or my whole day is off.

It has to be done after work,within a couple of hours. That way I can go about my evening.

As for making plans, my gf and I usually share that responsability,although she probably does so more than I at this point.

How often do you two see each other?

We started seeing each other almost every day from early on and it started to wear on me. I have things I want to do myself or with other people. Spending too much time with a SO takes away from individual time. It had gotten to the point that even when I had my kids,she wanted to come over in the morning,after we had just seen each other the night prior.

Right now she's backed off quite a bit and it's nice to have a breather,for myself. I think she see's it as me not wanting her around, but it's actually that I miss "my" time. I get so very little of it with everything else going on in life.

Maybe that's kinda what he's experiencing too?

 

It does sound similar. He mentioned his routine and that he felt freaked out about changing anything. When we were first together, like together-together, we would spend a lot of time together. Now it's about three nights a week. I'm actually OK with the amount of time we spend, it's the way we plan that time that bothers me. I feel like an option, not a priority—but I want to be someone's priority.

 

Can you explain a bit more about how you feel about your GF? Are you invested in your relationship? When you're done with me time, do you reach out to your GF?

[losangelena]

Some guys are just half-in when they meet you for so many different reasons. None of those reasons usually have anything to do with the woman though. Mostly just his issues.

 

So, I guess if you want to stay in limbo to "wait and see," go ahead. But frankly, I'd just cut that one loose, mourn the loss, and try again with someone new. He sounds like a dead weight anyway, holding you back from what you deserve, which is an equally committed relationship with a guy. He doesn't sound like he wants that with you.

 

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking. He did say it wasn't my fault that he's feeling the way he is, so whatever his issues are, I know that I did not cause them.

 

Interesting to hear that you went through the same thing.

[DivorcedDad123]

This is the same guy that didn't get you a Christmas present or anything for Valentines, right?

Edited March 11, 2015 by DivorcedDad123
fingers slower than brain

[losangelena]

I'm worried about him saying he's not ready to let you keep stuff at his house. My BF emptied a drawer for me after three-four months and bought me the toothbrush and a pink hair dryer.

 

What you should do right now is this. You back off. Men do not respond to words. They take it as nagging and as you trying to limit their freedom. You back off, act happy, not in a sulking way. Say, I understand you need more space for yourself and it's hard for you to do more. We will work it out (back at him).

 

Then do not stay the night if you don't have the clothes, just go home. Oh honey, I'd love to stay but I can't. Cut back on how often you see each other and act always happy and as you're not worried about anything.

 

If it's to end, it'll end anyway but the only way to get perspective and change anything in such situations is to move further away when he retreats.

 

That's what my friend last night said, too. And I agree—I don't want to force his hand, nag, or twist his arm. If he wants to ramp things up, I want it to come from him. My concern is that, now that's it's all already become "a big deal" after our fight last night, that it's going to be hard to proceed in a normal way, that all of that will be hanging over everything.

[losangelena]

This is the same guy that didn't get you a Christmas present or anything for Valentines, right?

 

Christmas, yeah. He did end up delivering on Valentine's Day, though. And just this weekend invited me to go with him on a work trip to Cancun in April.

[DivorcedDad123]

"Can you explain a bit more about how you feel about your GF? Are you invested in your relationship? When you're done with me time, do you reach out to your GF?"

 

I love my gf and yes,I'm invested. And yes, I do reach out to her by calling or text. Not a day goes by that we don't talk or text. Sometimes my days,and hers, are full from waking up till we go to bed. We still communicate daily tho.

 

We're 2 years in. At 6 months, your relationship should still be fresh.

[writergal]

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking. He did say it wasn't my fault that he's feeling the way he is, so whatever his issues are, I know that I did not cause them.

 

Interesting to hear that you went through the same thing.

 

 

Oh yeah, to the T, so to speak. I did ALL the date planning, spent more time at his apartment, cleaned his apartment, sacrificed and compromised MY schedule, my social plans, my entire life for his. He made me an option, not a priority from the first date (which was a disaster in hindsight because we were supposed to meet for dinner and drinks but he was too tired and suggested I just come over to his place for late night tea which I did).

 

 

So, already he wasn't invested that much and I am the one who set my life aside to accommodate him, until things came to a head when I realized "hey I deserve to be a priority here bub!" and he disagreed (especially since I accommodated him as a priority from the 1st date conditioning him to keep me and my life as an option over his emotional and physical needs).

 

I made every mistake in the book with that guy, putting myself second. Worst relationship of my life, too. Never again. If I go on a few dates with a guy now and get the "option" vibe from him, then I cut things off, even if I think the chemistry is great or whatever.

 

 

If a guy doesn't make me a priority from date #1, forget it.

[losangelena]

Oh yeah, to the T, so to speak. I did ALL the date planning, spent more time at his apartment, cleaned his apartment, sacrificed and compromised MY schedule, my social plans, my entire life for his. He made me an option, not a priority from the first date (which was a disaster in hindsight because we were supposed to meet for dinner and drinks but he was too tired and suggested I just come over to his place for late night tea which I did).

 

 

So, already he wasn't invested that much and I am the one who set my life aside to accommodate him, until things came to a head when I realized "hey I deserve to be a priority here bub!" and he disagreed (especially since I accommodated him as a priority from the 1st date conditioning him to keep me and my life as an option over his emotional and physical needs).

 

I made every mistake in the book with that guy, putting myself second. Worst relationship of my life, too. Never again. If I go on a few dates with a guy now and get the "option" vibe from him, then I cut things off, even if I think the chemistry is great or whatever.

 

 

If a guy doesn't make me a priority from date #1, forget it.

 

Ergh. That sounds so awful! Yet so familiar!

 

Maybe it's that part of me that just doesn't want to let go yet, but when I read about your experience, I go, "but he does put effort in in XYZ ways." He does sacrifice certain things in the relationship, but by and large, like in your relationship, there is an imbalance. Part of it is logistical—we live 40 min apart, I don't have a car, and he's not allowed to stay over at my place (a whole other story)—but I do spend a disproportionate time at his place; I make plans; I'm having to give up more of my own things in order to see him. For a while, I thought, well I'm his first GF, he doesn't know what to do—but honestly, even if someone's inexperienced, I feel like they'd make an effort regardless.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

If he won't meet you halfway, stop meeting him all the way. Honestly it sounds like he's not super into you if after 6 months he won't let you keep stuff at his place.

[writergal]

Trust me, it was as awful as I made it sound. Worse, actually, but I don't need to go into the gory details here.

 

Although you and he live 40 minutes apart, he has a car and you don't. Therefore, HE should make more of the effort to work out in your neighborhood after work if his gym-time is that important to him. Then he can stop by your place right afterwards without a long commute. Has he offered to do that?

 

I guess it depends on what "xyz" things he sacrifices for you. Are they important things, or minor things? It's just not right that you have to give up more things in your life, to spend time with him.

 

Even if he admits he's being selfish, he obviously refuses to change and is comfortable with the arrangement you two have, or he would want to bring more balance to the relationship without you needing to prompt (nag) him too. So, I'm not impressed with his lack of effort after 6 months with you, to bring balance back into the relationship. There's no excuse for not meeting you halfway in this relationship with him, and in a geographical sense at that!

 

And regardless of his dating experience, he would make an effort to commit to you if he wanted to. Nothing would stop him. But, it sounds like he doesn't want to commit to you, if he won't even let you bring more than a toothbrush to his apartment.

 

I am sorry that you have put up with his non-committal behavior for 6 months. And I think you need to ask yourself, are you going to let this imbalance continue for another 6 months? Time for you to reset the boundaries of this relationship with him. Take back your life, so to speak. Stop spending time with him at his beck and call. Now he has to make plans in advance with you if he wants to see you. Start there. No more last minute date arrangements. See how that goes.

[TigerCub]

Oh angenelna

 

I'm sorry about the conflict and I'm sorry that your bf is acting that way.

 

You said you guys have been dating 6 months - Personally I think that you shouldn't be at this phase of feeling unappreciated yet. Well ideally your shouldn't be at that phase ever

But ya know what I mean. at this point you guys should still be making plans all the time and excited to see each other and all into each other.

 

I remember you had a post about valentine's day - you wanted him to make plans and make a reservation at a restaurant but he was procrastinating and you were ever thinking of making a reservation at a different place just in case.

If I got the story wrong (I apologize) - but I just remember thinking that was sad. You shouldn't have to do that, you shouldn't accept his slacking and work double time to always initiate activities and stuff.

 

I don't mean to be hurtful, but I don't think your bf is all that invested in you and you deserve better - you should be with a guy that's excited to be with you, that sets up dates (at least as often as you do). It seems like you're settling for anything he throws your way. I totally give you kudos for talking to him about it instead of just being resentful, but even his response wasn't all good.

 

I think his apology was damage control and his thinking that having a gf is better than having none (even if he's not all that into her) - and bonus, she puts in the effort most of the time.

 

I really like you and I don't meant to be hurtful, I just think you deserve better.

[writergal]

Oh angenelna

 

I'm sorry about the conflict and I'm sorry that your bf is acting that way.

 

You said you guys have been dating 6 months - Personally I think that you shouldn't be at this phase of feeling unappreciated yet. Well ideally your shouldn't be at that phase ever

But ya know what I mean. at this point you guys should still be making plans all the time and excited to see each other and all into each other.

 

I remember you had a post about valentine's day - you wanted him to make plans and make a reservation at a restaurant but he was procrastinating and you were ever thinking of making a reservation at a different place just in case.

If I got the story wrong (I apologize) - but I just remember thinking that was sad. You shouldn't have to do that, you shouldn't accept his slacking and work double time to always initiate activities and stuff.

 

I don't mean to be hurtful, but I don't think your bf is all that invested in you and you deserve better - you should be with a guy that's excited to be with you, that sets up dates (at least as often as you do). It seems like you're settling for anything he throws your way. I totally give you kudos for talking to him about it instead of just being resentful, but even his response wasn't all good.

 

I think his apology was damage control and his thinking that having a gf is better than having none (even if he's not all that into her) - and bonus, she puts in the effort most of the time.

 

I really like you and I don't meant to be hurtful, I just think you deserve better.

 

+1 post TigerCub. I especially agree with your insight that his apology to Losangelena was for damage control, and not heartfelt or serious. Losangelena don't settle for this guy as a boyfriend. He doesn't seem worth your trouble. I'm sorry to say that, but I think he's a dud. A serious dud. He's taking advantage of you, and not changing when you ask him to make you a priority. He still keeps you as an option. Don't be his option anymore.

[Starship]

What I have learned in life is that 'I' start to dwell on something and then read way too much into it. Mention it to my boyfriend then get that empty feel when he gives me some fumbled response.

 

The bottom line is that I want attention, affection. I need to know that he would jump into a volcano to rescue me. I'm feeling insecure.

 

It's not about the specific issues. Yes, I like it when he thanks me for doing his laundry...but he survived a few decades fine before that.

 

Have a longer conversation? Meaning what? I talk...express my feelings and...? What it actually means is I want him to grab me in his arms and tell me that

he loves me more than anything else in the universe. Again, it's more about 'me'...my insecurity. Anyways...don't go on about little aggravations, annoying behaviours, etc. Those are just displaced sidetracks masking real feelings. Other 'stuff' would crop up if all the minor issues were solved.

 

I don't hold back or mess around. Every so often when feeling insecure I like to look into my boyfriends eyes and tell him that I want and need him and can't imagine a life without him. I'm 100% his woman. He gets it and makes an effort to met my needs whatever they may be.

[losangelena]

What I have learned in life is that 'I' start to dwell on something and then read way too much into it. Mention it to my boyfriend then get that empty feel when he gives me some fumbled response.

 

The bottom line is that I want attention, affection. I need to know that he would jump into a volcano to rescue me. I'm feeling insecure.

 

It's not about the specific issues. Yes, I like it when he thanks me for doing his laundry...but he survived a few decades fine before that.

 

Have a longer conversation? Meaning what? I talk...express my feelings and...? What it actually means is I want him to grab me in his arms and tell me that

he loves me more than anything else in the universe. Again, it's more about 'me'...my insecurity. Anyways...don't go on about little aggravations, annoying behaviours, etc. Those are just displaced sidetracks masking real feelings. Other 'stuff' would crop up if all the minor issues were solved.

 

I don't hold back or mess around. Every so often when feeling insecure I like to look into my boyfriends eyes and tell him that I want and need him and can't imagine a life without him. I'm 100% his woman. He gets it and makes an effort to met my needs whatever they may be.

 

Thanks for this.

 

I did express those feelings last night—was just trying to keep my OP as brief as possible. There was an incident yesterday that sparked my decision to bring this stuff up with him (the details are not really relevant). Throughout our discussion, he kept saying he doesn't know what else he could have done yesterday. But I told him it's not so much what actually happened, but the feelings it brought up. I told him that the way he treats me makes me feel insecure in the relationship, and that I want to be with him and need him.

 

Again, I'm not sure yet what his apology means—hot air, or a statement of willingness to try.

[losangelena]

Writergal and TigerCub, thanks for your responses.

 

I understand what you're saying, and as dismaying as it is, I tend to agree with you more than not.

 

As far as him not changing when I ask him to make me a priority—we did just have this discussion last night. He hasn't really had a chance to make any kind of change. That's why I'm not willing to simply pull the trigger right this minute. I want to give him the opportunity to change. If nothing happens, OK, then I know (no, I don't intend to wait another six weeks), but if there is genuine change and effort on his part, then I feel like that's a different story.

 

It could all just be wishful thinking, though.

[TigerCub]

sorry I butchered your name, I was trying to write a quick reply before my boss came into my cube

[writergal]

Writergal and TigerCub, thanks for your responses.

 

I understand what you're saying, and as dismaying as it is, I tend to agree with you more than not.

 

As far as him not changing when I ask him to make me a priority—we did just have this discussion last night. He hasn't really had a chance to make any kind of change. That's why I'm not willing to simply pull the trigger right this minute. I want to give him the opportunity to change. If nothing happens, OK, then I know (no, I don't intend to wait another six weeks), but if there is genuine change and effort on his part, then I feel like that's a different story.

 

It could all just be wishful thinking, though.

 

I agree that you should give him a reasonable amount of time to show he'll change and make you a priority. But...I sense that any change he shows will be short-lived; enough to put a Band-Aid on your feelings so that he can go right back to prioritizing himself over you again, after he's shown you that he made you a priority for say, a week or two.

 

I want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, but after my own horrible experience being de-prioritized by an ex-boyfriend, I tend to pull the trigger fast on "optionizers". (Is that even a word?)

 

Take your time, but be realistic about it too. A leopard doesn't change its spots. If he's not interested in a commitment with you, he won't commit...unfortunately. I hope I'm wrong about him.

[losangelena]

sorry I butchered your name, I was trying to write a quick reply before my boss came into my cube

 

Haha, it's fine. I didn't even notice!

[losangelena]

I agree that you should give him a reasonable amount of time to show he'll change and make you a priority. But...I sense that any change he shows will be short-lived; enough to put a Band-Aid on your feelings so that he can go right back to prioritizing himself over you again, after he's shown you that he made you a priority for say, a week or two.

 

I want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, but after my own horrible experience being de-prioritized by an ex-boyfriend, I tend to pull the trigger fast on "optionizers". (Is that even a word?)

 

Take your time, but be realistic about it too. A leopard doesn't change its spots. If he's not interested in a commitment with you, he won't commit...unfortunately. I hope I'm wrong about him.

 

I feel the same way. I don't necessarily feel optimistic, but ... maybe. God, please, maybe.