Discovered wife's affair 17 months ago, still not over it

[bdf3116]

17 months ago, I discovered that my wife had had a four year affair with a man ten years younger than her. I was tipped off by the man's fiancee, who he has since reconciled with. Over the time of the affair, they met at hotels and his house, usually during the work day to conceal the affair from myself and his fiancee. I have been able to access her email account and cellphone(without her knowledge) to look for anything suspicious, and have found nothing at all. No contact with him or anyone else. I followed and spied on her a number of times and have seen and found nothing. When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years, I wanted to just break it off but we have three children to consider, and despite all this crap I am still in love with her and I don't want to lose her. Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done. His younger two siblings still do not know. While I still watch and will possibly never again trust her 100%(who knows) I still sometimes feel really sad and hurt that she did what she did. We talk about it sometimes.We will be married 25 years this spring, and It is not going to go away but I also am tired of opening the old wound. It does not affect me quite as much as it once did, but it is still there. Just wish to God it had never happened. BUT-- it did.

[elaine567]

17 months ago, I discovered that my wife had had a four year affair with a man ten years younger than her. I was tipped off by the man's fiancee, who he has since reconciled with. Over the time of the affair, they met at hotels and his house, usually during the work day to conceal the affair from myself and his fiancee. I have been able to access her email account and cellphone(without her knowledge) to look for anything suspicious, and have found nothing at all. No contact with him or anyone else. I followed and spied on her a number of times and have seen and found nothing. When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years, I wanted to just break it off but we have three children to consider, and despite all this crap I am still in love with her and I don't want to lose her. Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done. His younger two siblings still do not know. While I still watch and will possibly never again trust her 100%(who knows) I still sometimes feel really sad and hurt that she did what she did. We talk about it sometimes.We will be married 25 years this spring, and It is not going to go away but I also am tired of opening the old wound. It does not affect me quite as much as it once did, but it is still there. Just wish to God it had never happened. BUT-- it did.

 

Look after your son, he will have been traumatised and cannot even talk to his siblings about it. It may affect his relationships for his whole life, keep a close eye on him.

[Gofsttrnlft]

You did not mention any kind of counseling, have you tried it? Having a safe place to tell your wife how you feel and a professional asking the right questions has helped me immensely. I am a bit over 2 years from D day and while things are much better there are things that trigger me from time to time. We are in about the same situation time wise so I feel what you are going through. For me the betrayal and lies have been the hardest for me to overcome. I wish you the best in dealing with this crappy situation and hope that you can come to a place of peace. There will be many on here who will make comments about how silly you are for staying with her. As it is obvious that you do want to, ignore them as best as you can. Take care.

[oldshirt]

four years isn't an affair, it's a fully developed relationship and a double life.

 

 

I agree that professional counseling is in order here. Both IC for you to determine why you are accepting this kind of disrespect and organized deception, as well as MC for you as a couple.

 

 

Counseling will help you decide if you even want to try to maintain the marriage vs working out some kind of amicable divorce and cooperative coparenting arrangement.

[road]

Things to do to recover from an affair.

 

 

You need to expose this affair. You must tell WW's parents and siblings, OM's parents and siblings, and your two other kids.

 

 

Then you need to repair the broken trust. Real time GPS on WW's car and cell phone. Key logger on the PC. Phone bills for numbers used a lot and you do not know them.

 

 

Seeing WW where she is suppose to be, knowing there is NC with the OM are important parts of recovering from the affair.

 

 

Has WW told you everything about the affair? Having unanswered questions will haunt you for the rest of your life. This will keep you from forgetting the affair.

 

 

Once you get all your answers then best to avoid talking about the affair for it then only keeps the memory in the present.

 

 

Recommend you get WW a polygraph test to confirm she has not lied or omitted anything. For a 4 year affair I bet she brought him to your house.

 

 

Also you have no idea of the true length of the affair. WW's always understate the length and the amount and type of sex the had with the OM. Another reason for a polygraph test.

 

 

Also this may of not of been your WW's first affair. So you need to do a DNA test. Even if you are sure the piece of mind from you being confirmed as the dad is priceless.

 

 

How did the WW and OM meet?

 

 

What was their method of contact during the affair?

[sinatraverdi]

17 months ago, I discovered that my wife had had a four year affair with a man ten years younger than her. I was tipped off by the man's fiancee, who he has since reconciled with. Over the time of the affair, they met at hotels and his house, usually during the work day to conceal the affair from myself and his fiancee. I have been able to access her email account and cellphone(without her knowledge) to look for anything suspicious, and have found nothing at all. No contact with him or anyone else. I followed and spied on her a number of times and have seen and found nothing. When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years, I wanted to just break it off but we have three children to consider, and despite all this crap I am still in love with her and I don't want to lose her. Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done. His younger two siblings still do not know. While I still watch and will possibly never again trust her 100%(who knows) I still sometimes feel really sad and hurt that she did what she did. We talk about it sometimes.We will be married 25 years this spring, and It is not going to go away but I also am tired of opening the old wound. It does not affect me quite as much as it once did, but it is still there. Just wish to God it had never happened. BUT-- it did.

 

Four years???? After 20+ of marriage???

 

You understand that this is not her first affair, right? She has likely been cheating on you the entire marriage.

[Rainbowlove]

Four years???? After 20+ of marriage???

 

You understand that this is not her first affair, right? She has likely been cheating on you the entire marriage.

 

You seem to be jumping to a conclusion here.

 

You have specific evidence regarding his 25 year marriage that proves your statement?

 

Please do share.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[merrmeade]

Things to do to recover from an affair.

 

You need to expose this affair. You must tell WW's parents and siblings, OM's parents and siblings, and your two other kids.

 

Then you need to repair the broken trust. Real time GPS on WW's car and cell phone. Key logger on the PC. Phone bills for numbers used a lot and you do not know them.

 

Seeing WW where she is suppose to be, knowing there is NC with the OM are important parts of recovering from the affair.

 

Has WW told you everything about the affair? Having unanswered questions will haunt you for the rest of your life. This will keep you from forgetting the affair.

 

Once you get all your answers then best to avoid talking about the affair for it then only keeps the memory in the present.

 

Recommend you get WW a polygraph test to confirm she has not lied or omitted anything. For a 4 year affair I bet she brought him to your house.

 

Also you have no idea of the true length of the affair. WW's always understate the length and the amount and type of sex the had with the OM. Another reason for a polygraph test.

 

Also this may of not of been your WW's first affair. So you need to do a DNA test. Even if you are sure the piece of mind from you being confirmed as the dad is priceless.

 

How did the WW and OM meet?

 

What was their method of contact during the affair?

I agree with most, if not all, of this but wondering where you got it, road? Did you put it together inductively from readings and online discussions or it's actually a thing somewhere with a link?

[merrmeade]

17 months ago, I discovered that my wife had had a four year affair with a man ten years younger than her. I was tipped off by the man's fiancee, who he has since reconciled with. Over the time of the affair, they met at hotels and his house, usually during the work day to conceal the affair from myself and his fiancee. I have been able to access her email account and cellphone(without her knowledge) to look for anything suspicious, and have found nothing at all. No contact with him or anyone else. I followed and spied on her a number of times and have seen and found nothing. When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years, I wanted to just break it off but we have three children to consider, and despite all this crap I am still in love with her and I don't want to lose her. Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done. His younger two siblings still do not know. While I still watch and will possibly never again trust her 100%(who knows) I still sometimes feel really sad and hurt that she did what she did. We talk about it sometimes.We will be married 25 years this spring, and It is not going to go away but I also am tired of opening the old wound. It does not affect me quite as much as it once did, but it is still there. Just wish to God it had never happened. BUT-- it did.

"Discovered wife's affair 17 months ago, still not over it" - nor should you be over it, bdf! In fact, be careful about rug-sweeping or trying to bury it too soon. I promise it will come back to haunt you in worse ways than now, worse because you begin to wonder if this is your fate forever. Believe me; I'm there. No, please don't expect to be over it or force yourself to blow through phases of grieving and purging. You have to talk. You have to get the truth. You have to feel your pain and rage. You have to or it will own you for the rest of your life.

[aliveagain]

17 months ago, I discovered that my wife had had a four year affair with a man ten years younger than her. I was tipped off by the man's fiancee, who he has since reconciled with. Over the time of the affair, they met at hotels and his house, usually during the work day to conceal the affair from myself and his fiancee. I have been able to access her email account and cellphone(without her knowledge) to look for anything suspicious, and have found nothing at all. No contact with him or anyone else. I followed and spied on her a number of times and have seen and found nothing. When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years, I wanted to just break it off but we have three children to consider, and despite all this crap I am still in love with her and I don't want to lose her. Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done. His younger two siblings still do not know. While I still watch and will possibly never again trust her 100%(who knows) I still sometimes feel really sad and hurt that she did what she did. We talk about it sometimes.We will be married 25 years this spring, and It is not going to go away but I also am tired of opening the old wound. It does not affect me quite as much as it once did, but it is still there. Just wish to God it had never happened. BUT-- it did.

 

Four years takes a lot of planning and a lot of deception. That is 4 years she took from you to bond with this younger man. She was busted or they would still be meeting in secret and the affair would still be alive and well. Being busted isn't the same as confessing and it makes it harder to know where you stand. Having your older son discover her infidelity makes it that much worse and he needs to be helped, please get him the help. Make her do the work, she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to have an affair and don't be too quick to forgive, forgiveness is earned.

[LifeWasted]

If the other guy's wife had not discovered the affair it would still be going on now.

 

Is she staying with you out of guilt and obligation? Does she still desire you romantically and sexually? If not, see a lawyer.

 

You need to ask her these things.

[drifter777]

There are a number of BH's posting on your thread who are dealing with the same feelings as you are. They too are just now coming to grips with how they truly feel a year or so after their wife cheated. It's like many men go into "I want my life back and am willing to overlook this" mode and spend a lot of time justifying and rationalizing why she cheated. Then reality starts to hit them. Being where you are is as predicable as the sun rising in the east. You can't lie to yourself forever and the big questions that you must have answers to come to the surface with a vengeance - as does the anger & sadness.

 

You are out of shock and are ready to face the truth about the whole, disgusting thing. She wants nothing more than for you to just get over it, leave the past in the past, move on with your lives, - etc. etc. and will go to great lengths to gaslight and manipulate you so you will stop all this. So now it's up to you - she will not help you make the decision regarding how you want to proceed with processing her long-term affair. Counseling - individual and marriage - is a great place to start but it's up to you. One thing I can promise you - if you are having trouble "dealing" with all of this now, it is only going to get worse until you resolve some important issues.

[drifter777]

OP - I just read this on another thread:

 

I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize their actions and make excuses for them, because your afraid of life without them and don't want to let go.

 

So profound. The writer's GF of 2 1/2 years cheated on him and tried to minimize it and, basically, gaslight him until she could decide whether she wanted this other guy or not. They weren't married, didn't have kids so he thought about it, talked it over with her and then dumped her. The bolded was how he processed his own immediate reaction and then applied good sense to it.

[harrybrown]

Your posts sound similar to your posts about a year ago.

 

So how sorry is your wife? did she get tested for stds?

 

 

Did she sign an agreement for D where she will pay child support and you get custody?

 

I would not be celebrating the 25th anniversary. Has she written you a timeline of the A?

 

She used a lot of energy to cheat and deceive for 4 years. Time to tell all the kids and every one else. That is a real long time. Are you sure that she has stopped this time? She did not stop last time.

 

What has she used her energy that she used to use to deceive to show you how thankful she is for another and another chance?

 

Good luck. Sounds like time to let her have the POSOM. How does she show that she does not consider you her backup plan? It all hurts, but 4 years!

[10thengineerharrison]

17 months ago, I discovered that my wife had had a four year affair with a man ten years younger than her. I was tipped off by the man's fiancee, who he has since reconciled with. Over the time of the affair, they met at hotels and his house, usually during the work day to conceal the affair from myself and his fiancee. I have been able to access her email account and cellphone(without her knowledge) to look for anything suspicious, and have found nothing at all. No contact with him or anyone else. I followed and spied on her a number of times and have seen and found nothing. When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years, I wanted to just break it off but we have three children to consider, and despite all this crap I am still in love with her and I don't want to lose her. Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done. His younger two siblings still do not know. While I still watch and will possibly never again trust her 100%(who knows) I still sometimes feel really sad and hurt that she did what she did. We talk about it sometimes.We will be married 25 years this spring, and It is not going to go away but I also am tired of opening the old wound. It does not affect me quite as much as it once did, but it is still there. Just wish to God it had never happened. BUT-- it did.

 

One thing that therapists who deal regularly with infidelity will tell you that I think is probably true is that it will take you (and your wife) about as long to get over the affair as it lasted. So, in your case, probably at least 4 years.

 

My wife's long distance VLTA lasted 11 years. I found out about it 13 years ago, and I can say that it did take several years to get past it. Life is good now (we're still married), but even with kids in the picture I don't advise staying married after discovering a long term affair.

 

The fiancee took the OM back and they're recovering? They never had a real, committed relationship. She's either needy or just plain nuts.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[isolatedgothic]

It concerns me that so many people are telling you to inform your kids. For what purpose would someone want to inform their kids? Why expose them to emotional damage out of spite? I feel, for their emotional well being, they should never be dragged in to something like this. I hope you will work this out however you choose, but don't tell the kids so they can join the "hate Mom" train. I hope that you and your wife can get some counseling to put your lives in order however you choose, either by staying together or pulling apart. I just hope you can protect the kids from the pain of an adult situation.

 

Just my thoughts. Bless you and hope you can heal, friend.

[Bryanp]

4 years? Are you kidding me. If the roles were reversed do you think she would accept a four year sexual affair from you? She made a total mockery of you and your marriage. For 4 years she had no problem putting your health at risk for STD's. You both need to get tested. You know that there had to be times that you were intimate with her after she had been with him. In addition, if she was not caught she would still be screwing him.

 

She played you for a fool for 4 years. If she could be so cruel to do this then this may not have been her first rodeo. You need to have your children tested for paternity. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and believed that you would never leave her.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to see a lawyer. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.

[troubadour]

4 years? Are you kidding me. If the roles were reversed do you think she would accept a four year sexual affair from you? She made a total mockery of you and your marriage. For 4 years she had no problem putting your health at risk for STD's. You both need to get tested. You know that there had to be times that you were intimate with her after she had been with him. In addition, if she was not caught she would still be screwing him.

 

She played you for a fool for 4 years. If she could be so cruel to do this then this may not have been her first rodeo. You need to have your children tested for paternity. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and believed that you would never leave her.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to see a lawyer. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.

 

 

I agree 100% with the above.

[Buckeye2]

Four years???? After 20+ of marriage??? You understand that this is not her first affair, right? She has likely been cheating on you the entire marriage.

 

 

You seem to be jumping to a conclusion here. You have specific evidence regarding his 25 year marriage that proves your statement? Please do share.

 

 

The best I can do is:

 

 

#1: She was morally capable of having an affair.

 

 

#2: Husband's gut went off several times.

 

 

I was naive enough to think she would never cheat although there were a few times I suspected it but never found anything

 

 

#3: She was skilled enough to have a four year affair without being caught. In fact she was so skilled that she was never caught, her OM was.

 

 

Not 100% proof but if I were in Las Vegas I would place a large bet that she did.

 

 

Our oldest son discovered the affair about six months after I did and he screamed at her and called her a slut and that I think really drove home the magnitude of what she had done.

 

 

If you want to drive the magnitude home again you can ask your wife why you shouldn't DNA test your kids.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Buckeye2

[road]

 

 

#3: She was skilled enough to have a four year affair without being caught. In fact she was so skilled that she was never caught, her OM was.

 

 

 

If you want to drive the magnitude home again you can ask your wife why you shouldn't DNA test your kids.

 

 

 

 

I have to be there to see this WW when she answers that question. Listen to her when she says: you can take what I am saying to the bank.