Lolita_Sky Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Look I know relationships have problems however I don't think I "complain". I ALWAYS try to sit down and TALK about our problems. I try to emphasis trying to WORK ON our problems TOGETHER. But they NEVER do!! They always come back with this thing about me being "negative" and always finding fault in the relationship. Which in my opinion isn't the case I've never tried to change who someone was. All I wanted them to see is that the relationship requires a certain amount of maintenance as well. It's not like some video game console and you just play with it whenever you want. These were some of the issues with our relationship: They failed to effectively communicate. This was one of THE BIGGEST issues. I had one ex always express how important it was to communicate...with honesty. He never practiced what he preached. Sex. The majority of my exes almost NEVER did the things I liked sexually. They never took their time to build up excitement. Time management. They never planned for dates everything was done by "ear" and often times our plans would fall through due to lack of proper planning. They hardly ever tried to relate to me. I was working two jobs one of which was stressing me out and on top of that he was complaining about the "lack of effort" I wasn't putting in the relationship. Said I was just "maintaining". Which wasn't the case at all. I was working 12 hour shifts at one of my two jobs go and work the other job...In the same day and I'd STILL make time to go and see him. Him and the job were stressing me out...A lot. He wanted to go on a "break" but I insisted that we should try to work it out. Anyway my point is that these men only saw problems when THEY had a problem with the relationship. Now when I voiced my concern it wasn't that serious and I'm "over analyzing" things 1
PegNosePete Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 It sounds as though you need to reset your People Picker, and find someone who is more compatible before getting into a relationship. 1
idoltree Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 From your description of the problems in your relationships, it sounds like you are choosing to be with men who don't show a great deal of respect for you. And if they don't have respect for you, they don't value the relationship enough to want to care take it. You're trying to build a house on a shaky foundation, in other words. So I don't think that increasing communication about problems in the relationship can accomplish anything unless you have two willing partners. If one is unwilling, they are going to hear the communication as complaining, because that means they can just blame you rather than take any responsibility and work on things. I think you need to meet better guys who will respect you and only get into relationships with those guys. Then communicating may work. But remember to let small things slide, because if you want to have a talk about everything, you're going to push even a good partner away. Don't sweat the small stuff, and remember to talk about the things you like about the relationship and him as much or more than you talk about any problems. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Take time out and evaluate what you want from life and if you do complain. If so why do you feel the need to etc? All my exes told me I deserved someone better and I am finally listening... Actually never been happier as I will not "settle" for anyone just because they are nice any more. May be single but what the heck I am enjoying it. Its liberating to listen and act upon it. If all your exes say that you complain look at what you complain about, is it something you can sort out, or can you rephrase so; "Oh I am so tired because I am always working" a statement that they can do nothing about turns into "I could really use your help, can you meet me half way because I am working long hours but I really want to spend time with you". Which is something they can do something about and help with... Try to list the good things in life more. Thinking negatively not only brings your partners down but also you too. 1
Author Lolita_Sky Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Take time out and evaluate what you want from life and if you do complain. If so why do you feel the need to etc? All my exes told me I deserved someone better and I am finally listening... Actually never been happier as I will not "settle" for anyone just because they are nice any more. May be single but what the heck I am enjoying it. Its liberating to listen and act upon it. If all your exes say that you complain look at what you complain about, is it something you can sort out, or can you rephrase so; "Oh I am so tired because I am always working" a statement that they can do nothing about turns into "I could really use your help, can you meet me half way because I am working long hours but I really want to spend time with you". Which is something they can do something about and help with... Try to list the good things in life more. Thinking negatively not only brings your partners down but also you too. That's the thing though I DON'T complain. I don't even sweat the small stuff. My most recent ex said I was starting to sound like his mom that I was trying to change him. I've NEVER told him he should change anything about who he was as a person. My ex was and still is a loser. Always mooching off of his mom for money but...He complains about how she says he should be doing more for himself. If his mom was sooo bad why would she give him money all the time? I'm not the negative one here. I the one sticking to the plan we talked about a few months ago. Yet he's saying I'm not sticking to the plan. I'm going to school in June and I already have two jobs he has yet to get a second job. Why? BECAUSE HE'S NOT PUTTING IN EFFORT. I tried helping him look for jobs he wasn't having it. Was so unappreciative. He's a loser that isn't going anywhere. I believe he's addicted to weed too that's the main reason we are broken up. Because as SOON as he started back smoking he started to withdraw. He didn't want to see each other and he started talking to other women. He claims I'm "insecure". I'm the farthest thing from insecure I've never doubted his word until I found out he lied about where he said he was a few weeks ago. I found a text message between him and another woman I've never met before implying she came over to his place a week prior to him lying about where he was. So OF COURSE I would question his word. I'm done though I can't deal with all of that dysfunction. Edited March 11, 2015 by Lolita_Sky
mightycpa Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Look I know relationships have problems however I don't think I "complain". I ALWAYS try to sit down and TALK about our problems. I try to emphasis trying to WORK ON our problems TOGETHER. But they NEVER do!! It was at this point that I realized you were complaining to me.
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Well you need to change the people you date. if you want to date responsible people you have to go get responsible people and not accept being with someone who doesn't meet your standards just because they are there. Don't blame the men for going out with you when you let them! Get rid and start again.
Starship Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 We don't know any of these individuals. What would they say? They are who they are. You are the one who chose them. You are the one who decided to have sex with them. It doesn't really matter what they think or why they think what they do. How does that matter now? All you can do is be more discriminating with whom you get involved. As a poster above states...adjust your picker. Take some time out...see being alone as a chance to rejuvenate, build confidence.
Author Lolita_Sky Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 It was at this point that I realized you were complaining to me. I'm complaining now because I've just had enough. EVERYDAY complains. My point is that I'm not some whiney girlfriend that just fusses about EVERYTHING little thing. 1
Author Lolita_Sky Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 We don't know any of these individuals. What would they say? They are who they are. You are the one who chose them. You are the one who decided to have sex with them. It doesn't really matter what they think or why they think what they do. How does that matter now? All you can do is be more discriminating with whom you get involved. As a poster above states...adjust your picker. Take some time out...see being alone as a chance to rejuvenate, build confidence. I agree. I need time to myself.
Diezel Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 He's a loser that isn't going anywhere. You keep picking them though. Common denominator issue.
preraph Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I've come across a fair amount of guys like that too. You have to set your foot down as soon as it happens and not let it get started or you become the tolerant girl that is easy going that they don't have to put forth any effort to be with. And these days, there are lots of guys who grew up videogaming and without social skills and truly do look upon you just about that casually. And of course it carries over the bedroom. Guys think they know what they're doing but most of them learn it from porn, which is the opposite of being anything a woman wants in bed most of the time, and disrespectful and humiliating and using a woman like a blowup doll. So it's little wonder they are missing the mark in bed. But even if porn wasn't their teacher, it's a numbers game. There's all varieties. Some have a strong suit, such as being a good kisser or a good snuggler who makes you feel cared for. Others think all it takes is for them to last forever doing one thing. Others make a quick tour around the interest points but don't stay long enough to accomplish anything before getting themselves off. My girlfriend and I, now much older and with a combined lot of experience under our belts, put some numbers together and it came out that only 1 guy in 50 was actually good in bed, but at least 70 percent of them thought they were. The answer is, of course, to teach them. 1
Author Lolita_Sky Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) You keep picking them though. Common denominator issue. Actually I dont. I had no idea he was a loser until well into the relationship. He told me he was in the "process" of going to get his CDL license so he can work on the Railroads. Then he said he was going to get an apartment in January which he did do. However he doesn't even have a second job. There's no way he can afford to live there off of the income he makes. I didn't know he gets money from his mom until she told me. She told me all kinds of things about him to me that he was trying to keep a secret. He would always be "concerned" about her talking to me about him. So it wasn't until recently I found out she was paying the majority of his bills. So I had no idea. He hid this stuff from me extremely well. I honestly thought he was trying to head somewhere in life. But that's the thing though I gave him A LOT of space. It wasn't like I was constantly calling or texting him. I trusted him because I thought he was telling the truth the majority of the time. The whole time I was in that relationship he was lying to me. I'm telling you I don't demand to see my boyfriend's constantly. I'm good with seeing them once or twice a week. Also he is the ONLY boyfriend I've ever dated that was like this. I never go for guys who lack ambition. Most of the men I have dated held degrees and were actively looking for work in their degree field. They just sucked in the relationship aspect. Which I'm starting to wonder if their lack of actually acquiring the job they wanted may have been the cause of that. Edited March 11, 2015 by Lolita_Sky
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