Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Hi Folks, I was wondering if you could share your opinions and thoughts on the following situation, currently revealing itself in my life. I'm with a guy who's 15 years older than me with some mental / emotional health difficulties, including depression and anxiety. We split up towards the end of last year but have got back together. But one of the issues that forced my hand towards the split - we'd stopped having sex, his unilateral and unvoiced decision - has raised its head again. He has erectile difficulties and when we first went out, he became quite frustrated with it, although they weren't serious and as soon as we were able to 'get into the swing of things,' we did. Then, suddenly, literally overnight, it stopped. He revealed to me that he just decided he didn't want to have sex any more, but this coincided with a period where he was very depressed and I just backed away - not to date other people - but not to force the issue as I could see he was very unwell. Anyway, after getting back together this time - and this post comes with the caveat that it's not an ideal relationship, I know it's not, you'll know it's not and that the option to up and leave is always there and possibly is the right thing to do - we're still not having sex. To be fair, I've not initiated anything, but my thinking goes, 'well, he stopped it. I'm not going to make lots of cooing, sexy noises only to get rejected.' But then, on Valentine's Day, amongst other things, he gets me a card which opens up into a series of vouchers which I hand across to him when I want, for example, 'a night of passion,' or 'a shared, steamy bath.' Stuff like that. There's 12 vouchers. I polled my friends about it. General consensus is that it's his way of saying that he'd like to have sex once again, though he's done it by putting the ball(s - sorry ; )) in my court. I like the idea and think it could be true, but am terrified to act on it in case he rejects the idea. The last time we were together (last weekend - we don't live together), I had foul tonsillitis so our time was spent with me crying, feeling terrible and/or sleeping 19 hours a day. None of that was very sexy at all. I just don't know whether I should a / jump in with feet first; sexy teddy, high heels and hand him a voucher (this terrifies me) b / make a few teenagery moves under the cover of darkness one night and see what gives c / dump him (I know this is an option due to his ongoing mental health struggles and rather sluggish attitude to do anything about them). d / talk to him and see what gives. This is the most adult of them all (which is probably why it terrifies me, too ; )) Thanks for reading TC
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 a / jump in with feet first; sexy teddy, high heels and hand him a voucher (this terrifies me) He is probably terrified too! For many men the ability to "stand up" is part of their masculinity. He probably didn't want to anymore as it was making him feel inadequate. Jump aboard. He has been brave so you can too! 3
Author Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Yeah, I could see he was getting frustrated by his own inability, but it's been so hard not to take that personally, hence the terror in really pushing myself to respond to this card. I think we've got ourselves into a vicious circle, to be honest. Your words about being brave resonate with me, so the next time I see him, I'll at least have the good grace to wear matching, sexy underwear! Cheers TC
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Yeah, I could see he was getting frustrated by his own inability, but it's been so hard not to take that personally, hence the terror in really pushing myself to respond to this card. I think we've got ourselves into a vicious circle, to be honest. Your words about being brave resonate with me, so the next time I see him, I'll at least have the good grace to wear matching, sexy underwear! Cheers TC Go for it and enjoy no matter what happens. Sometimes we make the mistake of stopping trying because we are afraid to hurt each others feelings rather than juts enjoy bonding. Wear a smile too 2
PogoStick Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 The real, correct answer, is D. Though, as a guy who loves having sex with his girlfriend, I would also love B (if I'm reading it right, you mean jump his bones). The real "teenagery" move is the vouchers. Yeah it's kind of cute but it really shouldn't be necessary. In theory, what happens when you run out of vouchers? Why should you need a voucher to tell your lover, "I want to have a sexy steamy bath with you"? You should be able to say that any damn day of the week. Back to D. In a good relationship you should be able to discuss what you want and need. The fact that you don't want to have the discussion does not say good things about your ability to conduct a relationship. That would be a great thing for you to work on: Communication. Be the bigger, mature person and tell him what you need. If he can't provide that then your obvious option is to find a new lover.
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Back to D. In a good relationship you should be able to discuss what you want and need. The fact that you don't want to have the discussion does not say good things about your ability to conduct a relationship. That would be a great thing for you to work on: Communication. Be the bigger, mature person and tell him what you need. If he can't provide that then your obvious option is to find a new lover. Some people relay their wants and needs in different ways Pogo. Sex can be a very embarrassing subject for some and with the extra problems on top well that can sometimes be a quagmire of hurt and confusion before you even start talking about it. I actually think the vouchers were a great idea to kick things off again, more so as it seems to have become a taboo subject between them and certainly a way to accept and show that he is trying to be responsive to her physical needs and open up discussion. Sometimes things need to be kept fun and light hearted to actually come to a discussion. Not everything has to be serious all the time. I personally can't think of anything worse than having to have a "serious" discussion about something like that. I would far rather my partner felt good about himself regardless of how often we manage get down to "business".
Auspecial Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I think you should tell him you are going to hand him a voucher.
sunshine2 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I think you should tell him you are going to hand him a voucher. I agree with this. Just hand him the voucher and see what happens. You have nothing to lose since you are already not having sex. So if he turns you down again, then you have your answer. I don't understand why you would want to stay in a sexless relationship, so maybe you need to think about what YOU want.
Gary S Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 This is a very sad thing for me to say, I cringe when I make these posts. People with mental problems are often not good catches, sorry. 2
Author Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I don't understand why you would want to stay in a sexless relationship, so maybe you need to think about what YOU want. I know he has a lot of problems and is starting some therapy soon, so I hope that that will have a positive influence. Also, I'm not the sort of person who can just walk away, though that kind of person has my admiration, admittedly. We both love each other, have enjoyed a good sex life in the past and value each other; maybe we will end up as friends in the long term, I don't know. If this problem can't be surmounted then that would leave me with few other options though, yes
Author Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 People with mental problems are often not good catches, sorry. I know. It's a very difficult situation to contend with.
Author Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I actually think the vouchers were a great idea to kick things off again, more so as it seems to have become a taboo subject between them and certainly a way to accept and show that he is trying to be responsive to her physical needs and open up discussion. They were. I would like to respond to them, but have to get over my own fears of being rejected - or run the risk, understanding that it's (probably) not a personal thing. And he has to get over his fears that I'm no longer interested which, to be fair, he has by giving the vouchers in the first place. I think it's a vicious cycle that we've got ourselves into, each retreating further away from the other as a form of protection. But what bigger risk is there in life than love.....?
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I know he has a lot of problems and is starting some therapy soon, so I hope that that will have a positive influence. Also, I'm not the sort of person who can just walk away, though that kind of person has my admiration, admittedly. OH!! I don't expect you to just walk away but I do hope you will look within yourself to see why you don't look for happiness and fulfillment for yourself, the fact that he is just going to "start therapy soon" kind of took me aback, evidently you two have just been living with this status quo without him even trying to work on his own issues here??
Author Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 In a good relationship you should be able to discuss what you want and need. The fact that you don't want to have the discussion does not say good things about your ability to conduct a relationship. That would be a great thing for you to work on: Communication. Be the bigger, mature person and tell him what you need. If he can't provide that then your obvious option is to find a new lover. To say that I'm terrified to have the discussion doesn't mean that I don't want to - I think it would be a good thing and I agree with you that as an option, talking is a very good thing to do indeed. But it's difficult to combine discussion with seduction. I think a multi-pronged approach is probably best; start coming to bed in something cute whilst initiating some sort of discussion outside the bedroom. Communication within a relationship is not a strong point of mine so I take your point about it being something to work on, definitely. I know that sex is something which can be annihilated by depression, and for men it's an even bigger taboo to talk about than for women, so again, there's the therapeutic angle, too. He's got to take charge of that, though; I can't force his hand to deal with his demons.
Author Tom Crick Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 OH!! I don't expect you to just walk away but I do hope you will look within yourself to see why you don't look for happiness and fulfillment for yourself, the fact that he is just going to "start therapy soon" kind of took me aback, evidently you two have just been living with this status quo without him even trying to work on his own issues here?? No, I am looking for fulfilment for myself and I left him last year when things did degenerate badly. My father died nearly 3 years ago and in that time, I've left a bad job, started my own business and gone through grief counselling, so I'm not looking to him to make me happy. I know that that's my job.
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