Starship Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 ^^^This^^^ I used to believe in commitment phobia, I no longer do. So many so-called "commitment phobes", end up quickly marrying and having kids with other people... He said "he didn't see a future with me" - Believe him, waste no more time. Agreed. If a relationship isn't going anywhere after a reasonable length of time...either accept the status or move on. We women read way too much into little things a man says or nods in agreement to. We are always projecting our fantasies on to our guy. If a man wants you, he'll climb a mountain and slay a dragon. We have a way of dissing on men who pull back. In contrast, thank heavens they come to their senses. One less future doomed marriage or children from a broken home. I'm sure there are many here (like me)who were in a relationship for six months or a year and ended it...just to eventually marry some other guy. They didn't have commitment phobia but realized in their inner heart that it just wasn't right somehow. 3
katiegrl Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 ^^^This^^^ I used to believe in commitment phobia, I no longer do. So many so-called "commitment phobes", end up quickly marrying and having kids with other people... He said "he didn't see a future with me" - Believe him, waste no more time. I have seen where that happens too.... but that's usually cause in those relationships....they give each other A LOT of space... and a lot of freedom. Not freedom to have sex with others, but freedom to come and go ... without a lot of questions or hassle. And yes I completely agree that a man who says he doesn't see a future with you, believe him and don't stick around... hoping he will "come around". He won't.
Gary S Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Let me break it down for you: He had been out the day before for a suit fitting as he was going to be best man and i met up with him and his friends afterwards for drinks.. again he was acting distant.. when we got home i asked what was wrong and he said something wasn't right and that he couldn't see himself marrying me or having children with me even though this is where he wants to be in his life right now.. he wants it but not with me.. - Katie, it's not a commitment issue... this guy wants to get married and have kids... believe me, if a guy did not want marriage, he would not dare bring it up, he would not want the lady to get any ideas. He would shut his mouth and try to sweep it under the carpet. He just does not want it with her... he has some basic attraction, likes sex with her, admires her, respects her, thinks she would be a good mommy-person to his kids, but his heart is just not in it. Just because you admire and respect someone does not mean you love them. Everything was going pretty well so i thought.. 6 months into us dating he did say to me he wasn't sure how he felt about us and his feelings for me but wanted to carry on as he really enjoyed his time with me as we had everything in common and liked to do the same thing. - his feelings equals love level - it's low. he said he thought his feelings would be further on than they were.. he said even though we were having a great time he thought it wasn't fair to carry on when he was unsure.. - He thinks she's a great catch and convinced himself he could fall in love with her over time, but it never happened. We broke up for a week but kept in contact. i didn't think we should have split just because he wasn't saying he loved me as we had a great time together, never argued, our intimate relationship was amazing and we just clicked..a week later he rang me up asking for forgiveness saying he'd made a terrible mistake and wanted us to work, he said he wanted us to move forward and spoke about us moving in together.. the next few months were fantastic, he even told me he loved me a few weeks later on my birthday everything was going so well. - when a person breaks up, when they are away from their partner, love levels can spike. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Here, it goes back up over the line of friendship when he misses her, so they get back together again. But it's only temporary because his love falls back down to a friendship level again. We spent two weeks together over xmas and towards the end he became a little distant but i thought nothing of it, he had lots on his mind with money and work. we went shopping for things for me to move in with him two weeks later which is when he broke up with me the morning after we had done this.. - Again, his love level is just not high enough to stay together with her. Men with commitment issues don't say they want to get married and have kids. People who are sane... and she has said noting to make me believe he's not sane.... who have a high level of love for you don't want to break up. We call them breakups because they are broken. This post has low love level written all over it. Edited March 11, 2015 by Gary S 4
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I have seen where that happens too.... but that's usually cause in those relationships....they give each other A LOT of space... and a lot of freedom. Not freedom to have sex with others, but freedom to come and go ... without a lot of questions or hassle. And yes I completely agree that a man who says he doesn't see a future with you, believe him and don't stick around... hoping he will "come around". He won't. I meant those LTRs that break up due to "failure to commit" issues, (the woman usually gets fed up waiting). The woman often then finds the "commitmentphobe" bf quickly finds another woman and ends up marrying her. I am not sure where you are going with this "freedom" stuff? 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Nothing indicates commitment phobia. If he had commitment phobie he'd have a track record of leaving women as soon as the infatuation ended. With OP- he said he didn't feel it after SIX months... Now, if he was infatuated with her and he t iky felt the spark and chemistry to begin with, he'd STILL be head over heels after six months. Men who are nuts about you still feel it after six months. Men who are smitten aren't ever " unsure " or " confused " about their feelings after six months. Six month is definitely the time when men who fell hard typically continue to fall even harder...... I dated a man just like this. He happily proposed to the girl after me who he had a true romantic interest in. He totally melted for the right girl. Katie- sorry but this guys behaviour is not remotely commitment phone. Stop giving the OP false hope that he really WAS surely into her and that rather, he'll NEVER be truly into any women enough for him to want to marry! He'll likely marry a girl some day and OP is going to be gobsmacked if she believes this commitment phobie cr@p....... 4
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Leigh, my intention wasn't to give her hope, false or otherwise. He is a freakin commitment phobe for crying out loud (IMO), and she needs to get away from him as fast as she can! And you must not have understood my posts, because I agree with you...he WAS NOT into her nor did he love her. As soon as these gutless wonders start getting close and it appears the relationship is heading for commitment... they feel so anxious and boxed in, so TURNED OFF, all they can think about is getting the HELL away. Thus begins the back and forth and push/pull of commitment phobe relationships. They always end disastrously with the person wanting/expecting the commitment getting hurt. I understand what you said about guys who claimed they were commitment phobes but then met a woman they ended up committing to. Fabulous! They were NOT true commitment phobes then!! Anyway, I know plenty of guys who are TRUE commitment phobes and I could tell you so many stories your head would spin. But I realize you and Gary and probably some others have your minds made up that commitment phobia doesn't exist, and that's fine. I know otherwise. And with respect to the OP's boyfriend, since neither you, Gary nor I have ever met the man, never talked to the man or know the man, it's really a futile waste of time and energy attempting to determine just what was going on with him. Maybe he's commitment phobe or maybe not....the most important thing is he doesn't love her, doesn't wish to be with her and she needs to MOVE ON. Edited March 12, 2015 by katiegrl
Starship Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I agree... I think OP spent a year on a campaign to convince her boyfriend of her worthiness for him to try when what should have happened is that she got out and quit investing in someone who was not sure. Yeah, the convenience of her company and sex was a motivating factor for sticking around, but he knew 6 months in that his heart wasn't in it. Leigh, my intention wasn't to give her hope, false or otherwise. He is a freakin commitment phobe for crying out loud (IMO), and she needs to get away from him as fast as she can! And you must not have understood my posts, because I agree with you...he WAS NOT into her nor did he love her. As soon as these gutless wonders start getting close and it appears the relationship is heading for commitment... they feel so anxious and boxed in, so TURNED OFF, all they can think about is getting the HELL away. Thus begins the back and forth and push/pull of commitment phobe relationships. They always end disastrously with the person wanting/expecting the commitment getting hurt. I understand what you said about guys who claimed they were commitment phobes but then met a woman they ended up committing to. Fabulous! They were NOT true commitment phobes then!! Anyway, I know plenty of guys who are TRUE commitment phobes and I could tell you so many stories your head would spin. But I realize you and Gary and probably some others have your minds made up that commitment phobia doesn't exist, and that's fine. I know otherwise. And with respect to the OP's boyfriend, since neither you, Gary nor I have ever met the man, never talked to the man or know the man, it's really a futile waste of time and energy attempting to determine just what was going on with him. Maybe he's commitment phobe or maybe not....the most important thing is he doesn't love her, doesn't wish to be with her and she needs to MOVE ON. No. Not a a commitment phobe. You know nothing about this fellow. 1
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 No. Not a a commitment phobe. You know nothing about this fellow. You are right I don't and neither do you or anyone else reading this thread. And I invite you to read the last two paragraphs of my last post, because that's precisely what I said....
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 ....the most important thing is he doesn't love her, doesn't wish to be with her and she needs to MOVE ON. - absolutely. katie, there are many people, particularly men, who are afraid of commitment, and I'll try to address that tomorrow (even though I don't think that's the case here)... I don't want to leave you in the lurch, you make some very good points.
kendahke Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 What is a commitment phobic? It mans he doesn't want to settle for YOU. ^^^this x 1,000,000,000,000,000,000
kendahke Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 At the end of the day, this man has every right to change his mind about wanting to throw in with OP--every unmarried person has that right (married people have to bring the state in on that decision and that's a whole 'nother ball of wax)--he doesn't owe her a relationship. After the 6 month mark, OP chose to not see things for what they were: she instead invested in "what she wished would be" and it's blown up on her. Now, she feels she's too old to attract someone new? Time is a precious commodity that never replenishes. Don't invest it in someone if you can't afford the time loss because there are no guarantees that it will work out in your favor. Any man who tells you 6 months in that he doesn't know if you are who he wants is a man who needs to be dropped off at the mall and you keep going. Engaging in a year long campaign to change their mind is unproductive and a year's worth of time gone forever. 'You don't want to be with me? Boy, bye!'
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I would just like to say guys that after reading the OP's first post again, you "may" be right that her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend) "might" not be a classic case commitment phobe.. What stood out to me this time was that the OP said that after six months, he told her he didn't love her and something was missing, but they "carried on" anyway because, as she described it, he enjoyed his time with her, they had everything in common and liked to do the same things. THAT to me sounds more like a friendship, and since sex was involved no doubt, it was actually an FWB relationship ..... not a loving committed romantic relationship. Her agreeing to that, knowing he did not love her, was her first big mistake. Second mistake was when, after a year, he AGAIN tells her he does not love her, something is missing and doesn't feel right and he broke up with her ....as well he should have -- he didn't love her and probably realized he NEVER would? Her response? "I didn't think we should have split just because he was saying he didn't love me.". What??? Really??? To the OP, why the HELL would you want to continue dating a guy, who after a YEAR, tells you he still doesn't love you, something is missing and doesn't feel right? Please ask yourself that question.. because by choosing to get back together with him, KNOWING he did not love you and did not think it felt right, YOU set yourself up for the eventual fall and the heartbreak you are feeling now. I DO believe commitment phobia exists but again, you all could be right that it's not the case here. He did not lead her on...he pretty much told her from the get go (six months in) that she wasn't "the one"... and SHE foolishly chose to stay and carry on anyway. Apologies guys, I can be a bit stubborn at times, but I am open-minded and when I realize I could be wrong about something, I can eat my humble pie and admit it....
Author confusedlincoln Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Thank you all for your comments, i guess I have just been very confused by his push and pull every 6 months. yes i guess I should have walked away at 6 months but as it was a long distance thing which i had not done before i gave him the benefit of the doubt as it was kind of half the time we would have spent together if we were closer. Also when we got together he didn't introduce me to his friends for about 4 months which i didn't then see many of them and when we did see them, he practically blanked me all night as he wanted to talk to them and let me get to know his friends, which is all good but i thought he may have wanted to at least check i was ok now and again.. There were massive red flag warning signs that i also chose to ignore, he spent last valentines at the cinema with his female flat mate as she had been dumped few days before, he was supposed to be going to see his friend that weekend but decided to go a day later to cheer her up. this obviously got my back up but tried to be calm about things in front of him. They did get on really well but i know nothing happened between them. 9 months in..He was invited to a wedding and had a plus one which i saw on the invite but didn't invite me, he said it was because i didn't know many people and as i am shy he thought it would put me out of my comfort zone..but throughout the day he was texting saying he wished i was there.. he then wanted me to meet his parents that weekend but then changed his mind last min or gave an excuse that his hans teeth had broken and didn't want to see her like that.. He broke up with me pretty much a year to the date and regretted it. Told me he loved me for the first time 2 months later on my birthday and then not until xmas day.. then two weeks later he broke it off. If we hadnt been getting on so well, enjoying all the amazing things we did together, having and intense chemistry in the bedroom and me falling for his every word, i would have ended it a lot sooner.. But to me everything was perfect, apart form those red flags which i chose to ignore and that they disappeared when he said he wanted me to move in.. he was or seemed very happy and loved up.. When we broke up, he said its one of the hardest things he's had to do and it broke him to see how upset i was. but after a few weeks after the break up i asked him if he had any regrets and he said he still stands by his word. We've met up since and theres bee a lot of chemistry between us but i guess its just not enough for him. he doesn't know that when I've seen him i go home to cry myself to sleep which i know is no good for me and shouldn't be meeting up with him. I just wish he would magically want me back and it would be forever after. Im not interested in any other men but thats because I'm still in love with him and i guess he's **ck blocking. he says he can't stand think that i could be with someone else or see me with someone else and he's not looking for anyone else at the min, said he's keeping his head down which i just said he wont find the perfect girl if he's doing that!
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Katie, you are right, there are people out there with commitment issues, more men than women. There are guys who think monogamy is a type of wood, and want to play the field, it's immaturity at it's finest. Still others have emotional baggage/issues and just can't get close to another person. And there are men who are afraid of marriage.... some have already lost their shirts in divorce, others see what's happened to a friend in divorce. The divorce laws are stacked against men. What these guys don't understand is that a good woman in love is more fun, and if she truly loves him, and he does the right things to keep her in love - by giving her affection, romance, respect, and trust, he doesn't have to worry about divorce, or those stupid, unromantic prenups. Would a sane woman in love ever want to leave her man? Do you smell what I'm cookin'?! confusedlincoln, It's going to take time to heal, and time is the great healer, but there are things you can do to shorten the healing time. You will heal faster if you cut contact with this guy and disappeared from his life. Get rid of his pictures, get busy with work, interests, hobbies, friends and family. And start dating, even though you don't want to, it's good therapy. If he does not love you after 7 weeks of dating, he probably never will. Edited March 12, 2015 by Gary S 1
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Gary, just wondering if you read my last post, no. 37. If not please read, I now agree with you! And thanks for your last too.... It's all good. And hopefully lesson learned for the OP. 1
Emilia Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I agree that it's not commitment phobia, this guy seems decent, he tried. I think never arguing is usually a bad sign. It means there is no tension in a relationship and that's because at least one party doesn't care. Conflict is natural, when something is very important to you, at times you fight for it. If you don't, it means you don't care.... 1
Starship Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I agree that it's not commitment phobia, this guy seems decent, he tried. I think never arguing is usually a bad sign. It means there is no tension in a relationship and that's because at least one party doesn't care. Conflict is natural, when something is very important to you, at times you fight for it. If you don't, it means you don't care.... Good point. I doesn't mean one needs argument but lack of it is a sign. So often one member decides to end a relationship and the other person is 'surprised'. 'Everything seemed to be going fine then suddenly...'.
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Katie, yes I read all your posts. This whole relationship thing is confusing. Even I've been wrong before... once And I did want to acknowledge that commitment phobia is also a real problem with some people. There are some very happy and healthy relationships/marriages out there where the couple only have a handful of arguments per year... they calmly discuss things, and realize that relationships are give and take. I have seen them firsthand, and have been in them myself. They are wonderful.
kendahke Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Conflict is natural, when something is very important to you, at times you fight for it. If you don't, it means you don't care.... I disagree. Yes, difference of opinions spring up in relationships, but communicating and discussing is the way forward, not fighting. Fighting means you can't communicate effectively and who wants to be around that? Peace in the home and in the mind is more important than fighting. 1
JustGrand Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) I emotionally have been here with a girl before. and it is normal for him to be unsure because his thinking is clouded and isn't able to think clearly why his emotions have stopped. It took me 6 months after I ended seeing a girl until I could clearly reflect and know what the problem is. I thought we were a perfect match and didn't know why i couldn't emotionally go further past a certain point while she kept going further. We were compatible with each other and everything was fine there. It can be as small as something you say in a particular way that made him feel uneasy about it. One of the reasons I didn't feel I could go past is because I felt like she was forcing me to do something I was so uncomfortable with behind the lines. She didn't say it directly but her additude and emotion felt like I had to change a little to be with her. The problem was that I told her I was uncomfortable with homosexual people (mainly because in the past I have had uncomforting experiences with them picking up on me in the most creepiest way....like in a public shower room while we were both naked). She knew that from day 1. But she felt the opposite because she had homosexual friends. She accepted my view of not being Okay with it and also accepted them for who they were. At the same time....she said I would have to be around them a lot and be at least okay being around them because she is never going to give up her friends and stop hanging out with them. And she explicitly said boldly that this is something that she refuses to change. I didn't know how I felt about it at first when we talked about it, but something like that can steer someone askew and unsure how to feel. I was just passive saying things like Okay because I didn't know how I felt about it at the time. The whole time we were talking for a total of 2 months to each other, She thought I was completely okay with that. I don't know if my example would help. but I understand why he is unsure and may not feel like there is a future. I'm not sure what he felt was askew or off. Edited March 12, 2015 by JustGrand spelling error
Gary S Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 JustGrand, couldn't your ex spend time with her gay friends separate from you? I understand what you are talking about, I've been hit on by gay people before, and it can be revolting. I love gay people, have gay friends, but don't like it when they don't know boundaries, and I have asked a girlfriend before to block for me.
JustGrand Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) She said I can leave if I want, but when around them, I can never say anything against them or anything in judgment. Edited March 12, 2015 by JustGrand gramatical error
kendahke Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 She said I can leave if I want, but when around them, I can never say anything against them or anything in judgment. why are you judging them?
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