He doesn't see a future with me..

[confusedlincoln]

Hi there

I would like a little advice.. My ex boyfriend broke up with me mid January saying he didn't see a future with me.. I was about to move in with him two weeks after he told me this..

We had been together 1.5 years long distance, only seeing each other on weekends due to being nearly two hours apart driving distance.

We always had fantastic weekends together and holidays away. I even stayed up there with him for a few weeks at a time when work commitments let me.

 

Everything was going pretty well so i thought.. 6 months into us dating he did say to me he wasn't sure how he felt about us and his feelings for me but wanted to carry on as he really enjoyed his time with me as we had everything in common and liked to do the same thing.

 

We went on lots of weekends away, enjoyed each others company and never argued.. we were lying in bed one morning actually a year since we got together with a cup of tea talking about our next adventure that we were planning and he turned round saying he thought we needed to talk about our relationship again.. he said he thought his feelings would be further on than they were.. he said even though we were having a great time he thought it wasn't fair to carry on when he was unsure..

 

We broke up for a week but kept in contact. i didn't think we should have split just because he wasn't saying he loved me as we had a great time together, never argued, our intimate relationship was amazing and we just clicked..a week later he rang me up asking for forgiveness saying he'd made a terrible mistake and wanted us to work, he said he wanted us to move forward and spoke about us moving in together.. the next few months were fantastic, he even told me he loved me a few weeks later on my birthday everythig was going so well.

We spent two weeks together over xmas and towards the end he became a little distant but i thought nothing of it, he had lots on his mind with money and work. we went shopping for things for me to move in with him two weeks later which is when he broke up with me the morning after we had done this..

 

He had been out the day before for a suit fitting as he was going to be best man and i met up with him and his friends afterwards for drinks.. again he was acting distant.. when we got home i asked what was wrong and he said something wasn't right and that he couldn't see himself marrying me or having children with me even though this is where he wants to be in his life right now.. he wants it but not with me..

 

He kept on saying it just didn't feel right.. i asked him what the actual problem was but he said he wasnt sure.. he said i was perfect in every way but something just wasn't there and he couldn't understand it himself..

over the last two months since we've split I'm still trying to figure out why he doesn't want to be with me and what went wrong.

How can someone tell you they love you and are ready to move in with you and are talking about buying houses/setting projects up together for them to tuen round and say something isn't right??

I saw him a few weeks ago to talk about things and he still couldn't give me and answer and said if i kept asking why he would have to make something up as he just didnt know.. we got on really well, no arguing, had the same interests, amazing intimacy, same life goals-perfect but something didn't feel right for him

[Buddhist]

He's commitment phobic, it's that simple. Take him at his word. If he can't make up his mind by now then he never will and so he is making the only decision there is to make. Move on. How do I know this? I've been engaged twice and never married. Putting a ring on it was the death blow to the relationship. I just couldn't go there.

[confusedlincoln]

You say he's a commitment phone, so why is he saying he wants to find a girl he feels right with to marry and have children as he wants this? he dated a girl for 6 years, lived with her but it ended as she wanted different things..

its absolutely killing me. Im 35 this year and feel like I've lost my chance, I've never felt so loved and connected to with anyone. he even says we have a great connection so why has he done this. i know he hasn't cheated and i know he's not wanting anyone else

[Tom Crick]

You say he's a commitment phone, so why is he saying he wants to find a girl he feels right with to marry and have children as he wants this? he dated a girl for 6 years, lived with her but it ended as she wanted different things..

its absolutely killing me. Im 35 this year and feel like I've lost my chance, I've never felt so loved and connected to with anyone. he even says we have a great connection so why has he done this. i know he hasn't cheated and i know he's not wanting anyone else

 

Are you dating my ex, perchance? ; )

 

Firstly, I'm 35, too. You've not lost your chance. Chances are there until the moment you die. If you're concerned about fertility, 40+ mums are not unusual nowadays.

 

But your guy sounds like he IS a commitment phobe. My ex went out with someone for 6 years, married them and within 6 months, they'd split. He then couldn't have a relationship with anyone for more than 6 months. After me, he moved in with someone but it got difficult 'cause - and he told me this - 'we weren't having fun at weekends any more.' He is 45, not 19. Buddhist is right; some things are a death knell for a relationship, even though they may 'seem' like the right moves forward - the ring, the wedding, the moving in together. Some people can only love at a distance, or, like my ex, during the weekends.

 

When he says he wants those things but not with you, it's not really about you and it's not that there's someone else out there who's got the 'magic' that you're somehow, apparently lacking. This is HIS problem. This is about HIM. And when it's about him, and not about you, the first thing to understand and accept is that nothing you do will change it. He needs that moment of realisation and clarity and willingness to work on his stuff.

 

I'm sorry if this seems tough - it's just advice from someone who's been there

 

Take care

 

TC

[katiegrl]

^^ Yup. Commitment phobes are notorious for talking out of both sides of their mouth.

 

On one side, they scream they want nothing more than to find a great girl to settle down with, have a family, kids ....BUT, as soon as they find her (in this case you), there is always something wrong. Something never feels "quite right," even though they have no idea what that "something" is!!

 

It's uncanny how many commitment phobes say this same exact thing! "Something just doesn't feel right.".

 

What that "something" is.... is that they are actually terrified of commitment! And all that commitment entails.

 

These guys are so out of touch with themselves and their own feelings, they have no idea they even have this fear, they think it "must" be the girl, and that she's just not the "right" girl. That with the "right" girl, they wouldn't feel this way.

 

Sweetie, please know this. There is no "right" girl for guys like him. There will always always always be something "not quite right," even though, again, they have NO idea what that something is!

 

You said HE said you were "perfect." What's interesting about commitment phobes is that the more perfect a woman is.... the greater the fear! Because with such a perfect woman, there is no way OUT... he has no "excuse" for leaving. And the next step with such a perfect woman, naturally, is commitment.

 

But he CAN'T make a commitment! It just causes him way too much anxiety. Just like any other phobia causes anxiety! He starts feeling boxed in and suffocated (emotionally)...and must find a way out. Thus the "something" just doesn't feel right excuse....ugh!

 

So sweetie leave him alone. Maybe he will get in touch with himself and figure all this out (within himself) one of these days, maybe not. If it becomes enough of a pattern in his life, a recurring theme, he might.

 

In any event, it's NOT your problem, it's HIS. You need to go on with your life and find a guy who doesn't have this hangup...who is able to love you, cherish you and ultimately make a commitment to you.

 

HE is not that guy, so again leave him alone. Don't talk to him, don't be his friend, just move on. Block him, delete him and go no contact. It's the only way. I'm sorry.

[Buddhist]

You say he's a commitment phone, so why is he saying he wants to find a girl he feels right with to marry and have children as he wants this? he dated a girl for 6 years, lived with her but it ended as she wanted different things..

its absolutely killing me. Im 35 this year and feel like I've lost my chance, I've never felt so loved and connected to with anyone. he even says we have a great connection so why has he done this. i know he hasn't cheated and i know he's not wanting anyone else

 

Because you are not his fantasy and he wont settle for less. I had boyfriends for, 5 & 3, & 1.5yrs. Did not mean I was going to commit to them. I didn't even realise my phobia to it until I was staring marriage in the face. Each time I thought 'he's the one' and then each time when it came to it, he wasn't. I loved my bf's, I enjoyed our time together. Clearly they did too or they wouldn't have been proposing, but in each instance I realised I just could not marry them. Once lockdown begins the mind panics, all sorts of rationalisations come into play until finally being with this person looks like a terrible mistake.

 

Being commitment phobic doesn't mean you aren't loving and enjoying your partners. He will forever be seeking that one perfect partner who doesn't exist and giving up the opportunities to be with the ones that do. Its why I stopped dating. What I'm looking for doesn't exist and I won't ever settle for less than it.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Buddhist

[katiegrl]

Because you are not his fantasy and he wont settle for less. I had boyfriends for, 5 & 3, & 1.5yrs. Did not mean I was going to commit to them. I didn't even realise my phobia to it until I was staring marriage in the face. Each time I thought 'he's the one' and then each time when it came to it, he wasn't. I loved my bf's, I enjoyed our time together. Clearly they did too or they wouldn't have been proposing, but in each instance I realised I just could not marry them. Once lockdown begins the mind panics, all sorts of rationalisations come into play until finally being with this person looks like a terrible mistake.

 

Being commitment phobic doesn't mean you aren't loving and enjoying your partners. He will forever be seeking that one perfect partner who doesn't exist and giving up the opportunities to be with the ones that do. Its why I stopped dating. What I'm looking for doesn't exist and I won't ever settle for less than it.

 

Buddhist I give you ALOT of credit for recognizing it's your issue. Most commitment phobes never realize it... and will continue assuming she/he just isn't the right person, something just doesn't feel right or whatever...

 

OP, there are some good books out there that discuss commitment phobia. "He Scared, She's Scared" is good and "Men Who Can't Love" are a couple that come to mind.

[kendahke]

He may have been forcing himself to feel something that wasn't there for a long time to keep from hurting your feelings. At the end of the day, you can't make someone who doesn't truly love you love you.

 

In reality, your 1 1/2year relationship has really been one long honeymoon adventure. You weren't living in the same location on a day to day basis for any appreciable stretch of time. A few weeks here and there doesn't cut it. Someone was always in transit in order to see one another and on those days when you did see one another, you both were on your best behaviors--he didn't see you on mornings when you were grumpy and short tempered. You didn't see him on days when he was sick or was having issues at work. There is a huge difference in the temperament of the relationship when it's LDR as opposed to both living in the same city, or county at least.

 

I wouldn't say that he's commitment-phobic at all. He didn't say he'd never get married: he said he didn't see himself marrying you. Those are harsh words, but he did you an immense favor, instead of dragging this on longer, playing you out and you spending your youth behind someone who doesn't want to make the long, life journey with you.

 

It's time for you to go total NC with him.

 

Some good insight on NC:

 

 

Insight on 5 reasons why a guy won't marry you. May not apply to you, but it's food for thought:

[kendahke]

You say he's a commitment phone, so why is he saying he wants to find a girl he feels right with to marry and have children as he wants this? he dated a girl for 6 years, lived with her but it ended as she wanted different things..

 

because they wanted different things--and that leads to taking paths away from one another and that leads to divorce.

 

its absolutely killing me. Im 35 this year and feel like I've lost my chance, I've never felt so loved and connected to with anyone. he even says we have a great connection so why has he done this. i know he hasn't cheated and i know he's not wanting anyone else

 

You are still quite young. This isn't your last chance at love.

He may feel connection with you, but in his mind, there needs to be something else other than connection which you aren't providing for him and he's done what is fair to you: let you go so you can find someone who thinks you provide everything and more. Neither of you are wrong here, but if he's believing that he can't see himself settling down with you, then don't invest any more time with someone who feels that way. Life is too short.

[Buddhist]

Actually commitment phobes universally express a desire to be with someone long term. The phobia part is subconscious rather than conscious most of the time, and manifests as irrational feelings of panic once the relationship moves into a more permanent phase. I always wanted to be married, or at least that's what I always said.

 

What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety? | World of Psychology

 

Phobia's often have an addictive quality to them. The person with it often feels a morbid fascination to the thing they fear. I get vertigo at heights but can't help edging up to cliffs and the windows in tall buildings even though I know it's going to make me feel sick.

[soyou]

I think every women has been in your shoes one way or the other once in their lives.

 

We all have that "somebody" whom we love/care so much about but that person doesn't see us in the same light or fancy us way less than the way we fancy them. He doesn't want to commit to you or doesn't see a future with you or just doesn't want to get married.

 

And then BAMMM, in a split second, he is engaged or married to the next women.

 

Please dont take this as your fault or his fault. Attraction comes and goes so does chemistry. ****s happen all the time. Just brace yourself and move one. This is not meant to be for you and him to be together. Next one will be a better one.

[Tom Crick]

OP, there are some good books out there that discuss commitment phobia. "He Scared, She's Scared" is good

 

It is good, I'll second that. Worth a look on Amazon, even more so if it's available as a download.

 

After my ex dumped me, I was gutted, devastated, had no appetite, blah blah blah, but when I started to look back at what I'd been feeling and saying to my friends, I'd been as commitment phobic as he had. It's worth looking at this book because it doesn't just help you point the finger at your ex; it also points a few fingers at yourself and from that, you may identify patterns of behaviour that are holding you back, too. And if so, that's very liberating and a very good place to start working towards something better.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not so convinced he's a commitment-phobe. I think there have been warning signs for a good while that he didn't feel the same way you did, OP. 6 months in and he told he wasn't sure. You both chose to stay together. Unfortunately, his feelings didn't develop the way yours did. So at the one-year mark, he decided to end it. Then wanted to get back together. Then decided that was a mistake too. There's a pattern here that indicates an underlying problem. Your interest levels weren't the same. You clicked in the sense that you enjoy each other's company and I don't doubt he cares for you, but it wasn't a long-term romantic prospect for him.

 

I think he wanted to feel the same you do, but he just didn't. And he doesn't want to hurt you any more. It's hard, but he's finally done the right thing by letting you go. You didn't do anything wrong. There wasn't one moment that changed things. This, I think, was coming for a while. And speaking as a woman who is just about the same age as you, you most certainly have not lost your chance! You'll just pay closer attention to the warning signs next time. Hang in there, girl.

[mammasita]

Sounds like my ex too.....Did we date the same person?

 

The classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" pretty much to a T.

 

Not a commitmentphobe, just someone who doesn't feel as strongly for you as you feel for him, but he felt comfortable and enjoyed your companionship - he didn't want to lose that.

 

Absolutely not your fault. Let him go.

[preraph]

Sounds like for some reason he doesn't see you as wife/mother material. I get this a lot. That's because I'm not wife/mother material. He has some idea in his head what that perfect wife/mother is and sadly June Cleaver is fictional.

[kendahke]

I'm not so convinced he's a commitment-phobe. I think there have been warning signs for a good while that he didn't feel the same way you did, OP. 6 months in and he told he wasn't sure. You both chose to stay together. Unfortunately, his feelings didn't develop the way yours did. So at the one-year mark, he decided to end it. Then wanted to get back together. Then decided that was a mistake too. There's a pattern here that indicates an underlying problem. Your interest levels weren't the same. You clicked in the sense that you enjoy each other's company and I don't doubt he cares for you, but it wasn't a long-term romantic prospect for him.

 

I think he wanted to feel the same you do, but he just didn't. And he doesn't want to hurt you any more. It's hard, but he's finally done the right thing by letting you go. You didn't do anything wrong. There wasn't one moment that changed things. This, I think, was coming for a while. And speaking as a woman who is just about the same age as you, you most certainly have not lost your chance! You'll just pay closer attention to the warning signs next time. Hang in there, girl.

 

I agree... I think OP spent a year on a campaign to convince her boyfriend of her worthiness for him to try when what should have happened is that she got out and quit investing in someone who was not sure. Yeah, the convenience of her company and sex was a motivating factor for sticking around, but he knew 6 months in that his heart wasn't in it.

[Versacehottie]

I pretty much agree that he's a commitment-phobe. The clue was that the day he had the revelation was when he was being fitted for being a best man. Weddings on his mind, knows if you guys keep at it at some point you will be requiring that of him and he panic'd. He also can't put his finger on what the "problem" is with what your relationship is lacking because he is looking for something so momentous to alleviate his panic about commitment. It's within him. You could move mountains and it probably wouldn't be enough. He's scared and seeing the problem as external (you) when it's really internal (him). That's my guess.

 

The best solution--no matter what the exact, real reason--however, is to move on with your life. He will return if he realizes it and it's not too late. But commitment-phobes are top-notch stonewallers. You won't be able to talk sense into him or change his mind by being more perfect for him.

[Gary S]

I'll tell you what he can't tell you, and nobody else can tell you. The problem is, he's not in love with you.

 

When a man is in love, commitment problems disappear.

[katiegrl]

I'll tell you what he can't tell you, and nobody else can tell you. The problem is, he's not in love with you.

 

When a man is in love, commitment problems disappear.

 

Oh Gary, if it were only that simple. Unfortunately it's not. People have issues...and fears that can prevent them from moving forward.

 

It's not easy to understand ... and unless you've experienced it yourself with a partner, or you have the fear yourself (like Buddhist)...., it's easy to just assume that "love" will conquer all and overcome any and all issues/fears a person has.

 

It's just not that simple....

[Starship]

What is a commitment phobic?

It mans he doesn't want to settle for YOU.

 

Move on. It hurts but move on.

 

There is no way I could be with a man who wasn't nuts about me.

 

Don't over analyze this. What are you going to get answered? He was a great guy one day, then a rat the next? He has some issue? So what...how does this help you move on?

[Starship]

I'll tell you what he can't tell you, and nobody else can tell you. The problem is, he's not in love with you.

 

When a man is in love, commitment problems disappear.

 

Agree. Men or women.

[Gary S]

Katie, if the person is sane.... love overrides everything. (keep in mind that just because a person falls in love, does not mean they stay in love.)

 

Furthermore, there are levels of love.

 

Specifically regarding this man that the post is about... his love level is teetering back-and-forth for this woman, on the line between love and friendship. When a person does this... one week they love you, the next they don't... when they are flaky like that, it means they don't really love you, and probably never will.

 

One of the requirements of a happy and healthy relationship that can stand the test of time is, both people must have a high level of love for each other. If they don't love each other, you simply have friends or roommates, and there's going to be trouble in paradise.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Gary S

[Treasa]

I saw him a few weeks ago to talk about things and he still couldn't give me and answer and said if i kept asking why he would have to make something up as he just didnt know.. we got on really well, no arguing, had the same interests, amazing intimacy, same life goals-perfect but something didn't feel right for him

 

Honey, regardless of the issue, you need to stop asking him for the reason. That as much as anything else is only pushing him away further, and it's not helping you at all.

[katiegrl]

Katie, if the person is sane.... love overrides everything. (keep in mind that just because a person falls in love, does not mean they stay in love.)

 

Furthermore, there are levels of love.

 

Specifically regarding this man that the post is about... his love level is teetering back-and-forth for this woman, on the line between love and friendship. When a person does this... one week they love you, the next they don't... when they are flaky like that, it means they don't really love you, and probably never will.

 

One of the requirements of a happy and healthy relationship that can stand the test of time is, both people must have a high level of love for each other. If they don't love each other, you simply have friends or roommates, and there's going to be trouble in paradise.

 

But that's precisely the problem. People with this fear "can't" love. They won't allow themselves to love.

 

With every woman they meet, where the possibility of commitment is present, there will ALWAYS be something wrong, why it just doesn't feel right.

 

Often times what turns them off is something that was present from the very beginning too. It didn't bother them UNTIL they started thinking about long term -- about commitment.

 

Oh these guys (and gals) are very capable of infatuation and longing. And when they first meet a chick they are attracted to, they may even believe they've met "the one."

 

But again as soon as the woman starts wanting (or expecting) more, more togethernrss, more accountability, more "commitment," suddenly he starts to lose interest and pull away.

 

In many cases, HE may have even been pushing your more..IF "she" was hesitant or putting up roadblocks. But as soon as she starts trusting him and agreeing to the commitment HE says he wants, suddenly he starts panicking (literally), becomes overwhelmed by anxiety and is off and running.

 

Like I said it's a complicated fear but it's very very real...and from what the OP had shared with us, her boyfriend is a classic case!

[elaine567]

I'll tell you what he can't tell you, and nobody else can tell you. The problem is, he's not in love with you.

 

When a man is in love, commitment problems disappear.

 

^^^This^^^

I used to believe in commitment phobia, I no longer do.

So many so-called "commitment phobes", end up quickly marrying and having kids with other people...

 

He said "he didn't see a future with me" - Believe him, waste no more time.