bluetone5 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year, and neither of us would say that the experience has been smooth sailing. For most of the past year, she has been unemployed and unable to find work because of some unpaid traffic tickets that kinda sorta became warrants. Of course, those warrants would need to be paid off, to the tune of several thousand dollars, in order to get them off her record so she could find a decent job and begin paying off the...well, you know how it goes. They don't call it the "cycle of poverty" for nothing. Anyway, that's the background. She's been in a catch 22 for the past year, and her parents and I have been doing what we can to support her until something miraculous happened. They actually paid for most of her living expenses for the better part of a year, which makes them damn near saintly in my book. But finally the inevitable happened and she was forced to abandon her lease and move in with me. That was about a month ago. Today, the miracle we had been waiting for happened: she got her tax refund back. Uncle Sam was generous enough that we would have been able to pay off her warrants and still have some left over...or so we thought. She went online to pay the debts and, to both our surprises, the amounts were much higher than we had previously been led to believe. She was actually about $700 short. Now, I'm pretty solidly working class, but I could scrounge up $700 to close the gap. Literally 5 seconds after I express this, I hear a knock at the door: my girlfriend's mother, who has been watching her daughter (from a previous relationship, if it matters) all afternoon, came by to drop her off. This is where stuff got unexpectedly complicated. She told her mom about the tax return and how it came up short...but instead of $700, suddenly the figure was $2000. She was asking her mom for money, despite the fact that I had offered to pay the remainder. She then looked at me and asked me to confirm the amount. "I'm pretty sure it was less than-" She cut me off and went back to talking to her mom. The mom said she might be able to scrape together a few hundred bucks, but the rest would have to come from her father, who has been her primary financier over the past year. Daddy, understandably I think, was past the limit of his generosity when my girlfriend moved in with me. At this point the mom got back in her car and left, and the girlfriend and I proceed to vocally express our disappointment with one other. I was upset because she lied to her parents for money, and she was upset because I didn't go along with it and was being all "high and mighty about it." She said she planned to use the money for other getting-a-job-related expenses like childcare and software subscriptions, and I told her that I could've helped her with that, and that after all they've given her she owes her folks more than bald-faced lies. She then tells me that she'd rather lie to her parents than let me continue bailing her out, because she thinks I'm going to hold it against her and pull the "I make the money so I make the rules" card (which is something her father did, but would be very out of character for me). If you're still reading this, I applaud you. I do love this woman and we have been through a metric assload of crap during our time together, crap that would scuttle most relationships. It's just this particular fight...she calls it "stretching the truth" to essentially con her dad out of $2k. I can't abide that. And after as many arguments as we've had about MY honesty and MY loyalty, I'm especially salty about this. So, I'm looking for feedback. Should I let this slide? Should I make like Bryan Adams and "lie for you, walk the wire for you"? Or is the truth only going to get stretchier with time? Because I've always believed that, without trust, there is no relationship, and I'm having a very hard time trusting her right now.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Man, talk about a F'd up situation. The fact that she'd ask you to do that definitely has to make you question her overall integrity. I mean if she can rip off and lie to her own parents, who knows what she'll do to you. Personally, I'd stand by your principles. Your GF may get butt hurt on the surface. But in the end deep down, she'll probably respect you for being man enough not to let her get away with it. 4
Dybbuk Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Because I've always believed that, without trust, there is no relationship, and I'm having a very hard time trusting her right now. ^That is all you need to think about. Trust makes or breaks relationships. The lie is a substantial one, and done with the intent of conning her dad out of a large sum of money. The whole situation is very dishonorable and really says a lot about her character. Think about the morality behind that. Think about yourself... would you feel 'ok' lying to your parents so you could get more money out of them? I sure as hell wouldn't. I would feel pretty shi**y about myself. Consider this... if she ever feels it's more beneficial to her to lie to you about something, what would stop her? I wouldn't get caught up with her lies. God forbid the truth comes out and you are thrown under the bus with her as a thief... 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Your girlfriend is a hustler and you've all been enabling her for too long. That's my blunt opinion. She knows how to get what she wants, which includes using you in her plot to get more money from her parents. Don't let this slide. You are looking at a huge red flag here. I read that she might spend money on childcare - is she a parent herself? 3
Arieswoman Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 OP, But finally the inevitable happened and she was forced to abandon her lease and move in with me. She wasn't forced to do anything, you took her in. The problem here, as I see it, is that this girl has been spoilt rotten and has never been made accountable for her actions. You and her parents are acting as enablers over this. I don't know about how in works in USA but I can't imagine anyone racking up debts of £1,000s over traffic tickets in UK before they were summoned to Court. Are you sure these are only traffic violations? Your GF is an immature, irresponsible freeloader with no scruples. Dump her and let mummy & daddy sort her out.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 She's a bum and a liar. Is this really the best you think you can do? 4
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 She's a bum and a liar. Is this really the best you think you can do? This was my immediate thought. You may think the world of her but you are clearly a cash cow in her eyes. Hate to say it but you really have to wake up and smell the roses... 1
PegNosePete Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 They don't call it the "cycle of poverty" for nothing. No, they call it a cycle of STUPIDITY. How can anyone let a couple of parking tickets become multiple thousand dollar fines? She clearly has no self control or financial stability, even before this lying thing came about. And as for asking you to lie for her, my response would be HELL NO. If she can lie to them then she can lie to you. Does she have a secret stash of money that she's hiding from you while you're supporting her? It's a massive red flag dude. 3
katiegrl Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 What everyone else...but also I think she is full crap saying she can't find a job due to unpaid traffic tickets. Many large companies conduct criminal background checks, but unpaid traffic violations are hardly considered criminal...sheesh. She is feeding you a bunch of malarkey about that. Most likely she just doesn't want to work, and why should she? She's got her parents giving her handouts, YOU bailing her out every which way...she's got it made! Why work? Dude stop being a schmo...she's a freeloader and she's using you....and YOU are letting her. You need to grow a pair..and tell her you refuse to lie for her, and that because SHE lies, you have lost respect for her and she needs to leave. Let her move in with mom my and daddy... What a loser...
road Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 What else does she lie about? That night out with the girls? That time she came home a couple hours later than expected? Dump h e r .
veggirl Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Your gf is a loser with no sense of personal responsibility. I feel sorry for her child.
Yookie Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I am not surprised that you have been through a "metric assload" of crap in this relationship. It won't even compare to what is yet to come if you stay with this person. She is going to take your money, her parents money and the tickets will remain unpaid. Where is the child support money? She's probably hiding that from all of you.
katiegrl Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) What else does she lie about? That night out with the girls? That time she came home a couple hours later than expected? She's lying to him by telling him she can't find a job because of her traffic violations. There is no way any prospective employers would even know about that, let alone not hire her because of it. Unpaid traffic tickets don't show up on "criminal" background checks. And not all companies run background checks anyway, and when they do, it's AFTER they offer you the job and you accept it! So that's one pretty significant lie to him right there. Resulting in him having to support her, and having to continue bailing her out. A guy who by his own admission, does not have a lot of money to begin with! And her lying to her own dad and mom, attempting to swindle her own dad out of $2,000 bucks, a dad who has loved her and supported her... both financially and emotionally, is just beyond unconscionable.... How the OP could ever stay with a chick like that is beyond my comprehension. Edited March 11, 2015 by katiegrl
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 No, they call it a cycle of STUPIDITY. How can anyone let a couple of parking tickets become multiple thousand dollar fines? She clearly has no self control or financial stability, even before this lying thing came about. And as for asking you to lie for her, my response would be HELL NO. If she can lie to them then she can lie to you. Does she have a secret stash of money that she's hiding from you while you're supporting her? It's a massive red flag dude. Pete - when you come up with comments like these I want to copy paste them and save them to a thread thats titled "How to grow a pair of balls and respect yourself for the "beta" males"... 1
kendahke Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 And her lying to her own dad and mom, attempting to swindle her own dad out of $2,000 bucks, a dad who has loved her and supported her... don't assume that he loved and supported her when OP has said he's also said: "I make the money so I make the rules" card (which is something her father did) She learned that behavior from somewhere and a loving home generally speaking isn't a place that breeds grifters. Something went down in that home that turned her into the mess she is and she may feel that conning him out of $2k is the least she can do to repay that favor. I'm not saying it's right. She's a complete mess. Letting tickets get to the point where warrants are being sworn out for you is messy because interest compounds on that unpaid balance. She needed to have addressed that like an adult a long, long time ago, but everyone in her life with the exception of her father seems to be enabling her--otherwise, she'd be able to just go to him and hit him up for the money. OP--what you should do depends upon how badly you need this relationship with her.
Gary S Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Because I've always believed that, without trust, there is no relationship, and I'm having a very hard time trusting her right now. - That's exactly right... trust is tied to love... you can only love someone as much as you can trust them.... so if there is no trust, there's no love. Well, look at the bright side, at least you found this out before you married her. You could always try to train her.... when she lies, cut of romance, affection, and sex (but not respect).... when she asks, "what's wrong"? then she'll be ready to listen and change. It has to be their own idea. It's a long shot though. For a person to be a good catch, they have to have integrity.
Maleficent Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 If she has no problem lying to her mother about this, I'm pretty sure she'll have no problem lying to you about, well, anything.
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