jgs78 Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 Ok, so I have read some posts about people dumping people just because the "novelty" wore off and they decided they didn't like the person anymore. I kind of had a similar situation about a couple of months ago. I had been dating someone for about a month when he decided that he wanted to end things. He sent me an email saying that he just wasn't excited about things as he should have been and it wasn't fair to me. Then he said that he hadn't dated anyone in a long time and that he had thought that that was what he had wanted but that he wasn't in as good of a place as he should have been. So I figured that he just didn't like me anymore. Fine. What I don't understand is how this guy could have been pretending that everything was so great, calling me, emailing me in between dates, etc. Then "poof" just didn't want to be with me anymore. I know that he had never really had anyone treat him well in a relationship before so that might have had something to do with it. Here I came along and was a good catch for him but he didn't want me. It has been a couple of months but I still think about him. I have been on dates with other guys since he broke things off with me, but I just can't shake him. First of all, this guy was the first guy I really dated after my ex of 7 years broke up with me over the phone during my finals last May (I went back to get another degree, I'm 26 so I wasn't THAT young when he and I were dating! ) . Anyway, nice, right? It was really hard to get over my ex, but I really was fine after a couple of months. We had spent one year of our relationship apart so although it was difficult, I had gotten used to the transition of being on my own. ANYWAY so I started dating this guy a couple of months ago and I knew I was totally over my ex when this new guy broke things off and I was EXTREMELY upset about him, not my ex. So now I've been keeping myself busy, doing some new activities and getting back into things I really enjoy doing. I still think about him a lot. I feel like such a stupid foolish girl to be thinking about someone who quite obviously didn't care for me that much if he decided to end things via email. I realize this but yet My best friend says that the reason why I can't shake him off is because he possessed all the characteristics I am looking for in a guy and that it's hard seeing something like that go. It's not that I am not letting myself forget him, I am trying! But then something makes me think about him, a song, something on tv, a conversation,etc. Anybody been in a situation like mine? How do you forget about someone who fits all the characteristics of what you are looking for. I know one of the most difficult things for humans to experience is rejection and that the main part of my anguish is the rejection. Things have not been in my favor lately. I am in between jobs, been temping for a long time now, a majority of my friends have moved away and I haven't been able to find dates! I try and surround myself with people and activities but it doesn't help. Anyone have any suggestions?
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 What I don't understand is how this guy could have been pretending that everything was so great, calling me, emailing me in between dates, etc. Then "poof" just didn't want to be with me anymore. He enjoyed the 'getting to know you' stage, and the chase was fun. Once he actually started to get to know you, he realized that he didn't want to date you after all. You could have been supergirl fantastico - the best girl in the world, but if he didn't think that you were right for him no matter how good you happen to be, he'll leave you. Which brings us to... How do you forget about someone who fits all the characteristics of what you are looking for. Your perceptions of him probably have little to do with who this guy actually is. I seriously doubt that "someone who doesn't want to date you" fits in the category of 'what you are looking for'. When you date someone, in the beginning you are dating two people. The actual person - and the person he is in your heart: formed entirely from your hopes/expectations/aspirations and 'love' will cause you to see only the person who is in your heart - and you will be blind to the foibles and basic flawed humanity of who this guy actually is. The man in your heart will always seem to be a better catch than who the person actually is - and when the person leaves, its not him you miss - its the idea of who he was to you, and what he meant to you. Of course he had "all the characteristics" of what you are looking for - you created them out of your perceptions of him. Had it gotten to a deeper level, you would have gotten to reconcile the guy in your heart with who he actually is. This is when breakups happen: when a person begins to see who their partner really is, instead of who they thought they were - and rejects them. It makes little sense to the dumpee - but people reach that realization at different rates. You are still in love with the man in your heart, and he rejected who you really are. This isn't your fault, nor should you 'seek to change' - the key is to find someone who will accept you for who you are, and not for who they think you are. How to forget? The actual person can walk away, but the person you created and carry in your heart can be as persistent and deadly as a heartworm. It will poison your heart against anyone else, and as long as he is lodged in there - there's little room for anyone else. You'll have to take the love equivalent of a heartworm pill. Start forcing him out. Make efforts to do stuff to fill your time. Keep meeting new people. If you find yourself dwelling on him, make a conscious effort not to think about him. Its like a song stuck in your head. If you consciously make the effort to let go and forget him, in time you will. Then you will begin to see that he didn't quite "fit all the characteristics" as you let him out of your heart.
helena abadi Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 that is a hard one, especially as you have been trying hard to distract yorself and it sounds as tho your support system is a bit fragmented, thru no fault of your own. i think you show a fair bit of insight....you said he had never been treated well in a relationship before. you treated him well, which broke the pattern, but he may be so used to the other dynamic, in which real closeness and intimacy can never be achieved, that may be all he can manage. you said he had all the characteristics of someone who would be very compatible for you. maybe he is missing one vital characteristic - of really appreciating who you are. have you had any contact since he broke up with you? is it worth asking him to give it another go? do you feel up to it?
Author jgs78 Posted April 9, 2005 Author Posted April 9, 2005 Thanks for your responses. LucreziaBorgia: You gave me some really good insight to everything. I had never thought about the fact that the reason why he "fit" all the characteristics of what I was looking for in a partner was because it is what I have created in my head. I am going to try and force him out of my memory. Everytime I think about him, I will think about how I need to get rid of it like an annoying song. I know the key is to find someone who is going to fit the characteristics I am looking for and is willing to accept me for me. It's really hard to do it and I just hope that as each day passes I will forget him more and more. It is just crazy that this has been more difficult for me to get over than my ex of 7 years. I think it is probably because of the fact that this was the first relationship I have had since my ex though. Thanks for your honest answers and for telling me like it is. Maybe I am wrong, but I thought I read one of your responses in another section and you had mentioned that you had been one of those people who just disappeared when you wanted out of a relationship. You said that once he got to know who I was, no matter how fantastic I seemed to be, if I didn't fit what he was looking for, that was the reason why he left. Is this what happened to you with all those other people you were with? I'm beginning to wonder if this is what the real deal is with men. I don't know maybe I'm wrong but I feel like most women are real troopers and give men the benefit of the doubt or at least give somesort of a warning before they want out. These are just my perceptions and I guess what I am looking for is a reason other than it was me that he didn't like. I know I can't think that way, but how else should I take it? Helena: Thank you for your response too. Yes it has been hard, I have been trying to get myself involved in activities. I am trying to meet some more friends. Although even meeting friends is hard since I live in New York City. It's not like I am sitting at home and just praying for friends to come to me. I am actually putting myself out there but it seems to no avail. All I can hope is that things will just improve over time. Anyway, yes, it very well might be possible that he was so used to being treated badly that when I came around, he just didn't know how to handle it. Some people really love the drama, I guess. Well I guess I can try and think of it in a nice positive way, that maybe I created a new light for him. Maybe he will realize that there ARE some great women are there like me and to give the next good catch who comes around a real chance. I'm sorry that it couldn't have been me but I don't wish upon another girl to have to deal with what I did. I think emails are the worst way of breaking up with someone. As far as contact, he hasn't contacted me at all. I know he has moved on so THAT is why I feel so foolish about the fact that I haven't yet. I don't think there would be a chance of us getting back together, I think it really would be a wasted effort of mine. I mean I suppose I could always email him but as I've read here on this website too many times before, 2nd chances never work. EVEN though we really didn't go out long enough for things to have really been spread out, I think and maybe I am wrong about this, most men have a tendency to completely erase women from their minds once they've decided they don't want to have anything to do with them. So I guess I have to hope that time passes more quickly so that I forget him less and less. Don't know what else I can do.
helena abadi Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 women generally stay emotionally connected to a relationship longer than men do, and do tend to give men the benefit of the doubt. hence your observation women are troopers. even tho Lucrezia said she personally just cuts off and disappears quickly, i wonder if she's an exception to the rule. if he's moved on, you have no choice but to do the same. i know you are puzzled about why this has hurt so much. after a relationship of seven years, getting back into dating isn't easy, and a whole lot of feelings that have lain dormant are now getting a pretty hard workout. certainly if you were living in a better emotionally-connected, nurturing environment you would find it easier to have a soft place to fall and recover. being newly single and living in NY can't be easy. do you have people you are can share your feelings with, in that proximity? or can you call a friend and get some TLC over the phone? i think a lot of men cut and run, and generally they are slower to commit. who ended the seven-year relationship? i'm going to post a thread - a poll asking who leaves the relationship first, just to test that theory.
Recommended Posts