VedderisBetter Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I started talking to a girl who's divorced with three kids. She is 9 months from a bachelor's degree and is working at an internship part time. The things I like about her so far is that she rarely drinks and seems nice and cute. Is it worth it to pursue her? When is the right time to ask her about whether she's getting child support so I can be assured I won't be used? I figure it's if things get serious but kind of a dicey question to ask.
preraph Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 She'll eventually tell you what's going on but it's way too early to ask. Thing is, if you want to be with her for any length of time and you start living together, you will have to participate in the child care and the expenses. You can't just pretend they don't exist and are not your problem if things get serious. 4
Hopeful30 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 You like her because she rarely drinks and she's cute. Do you know how many millions of women out in the world rarely drink and are cute? 1
Author VedderisBetter Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Actually most my age seem to like drinking a bit too much.
Rosa Tamora Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I don't think you'll be asked to shell out money for those kids expenses. Obviously you are not going to ignore them, because you're not an idiot. But i don't think it's fair to make this assumption that you'll be responsible for making any kinds of payments for them down the road before you even have an open conversation with the lady about it. Ignore what that other person said.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I started talking to a girl who's divorced with three kids. She is 9 months from a bachelor's degree and is working at an internship part time. The things I like about her so far is that she rarely drinks and seems nice and cute. Is it worth it to pursue her? When is the right time to ask her about whether she's getting child support so I can be assured I won't be used? I figure it's if things get serious but kind of a dicey question to ask. personally? i would recommend that you steer clear. the best you can be is 4th (after her three kids). Plus she won't have much time for you. You could also get emotionally attached to the kids and that could turn into a mess if there is a breakup. Also, she may ask/need money from you. Yeah, i'd pass 1
Gary S Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 If you are a saint and want to raise somebody else's kids, go for it. The more kids, the more little people to love you.
LostOnes05 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I'd pass. If there was one child, I'd consider it (at my age). Now, three is a no go for me. Imagine trying to plan any sort of outing later in the relationship. You have to feed and travel with three children. Also, she may be averse to having more children if that is an experience you are looking to have down the road. 1
gaius Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Veddris If you like her just go out with her. You don't need to bring up child support or anything, and if shes a good mother she's not going to expect you to take any kind of role in her kids lives unless it gets serious. Kids that aren't yours are a complication sure but single mothers are some of the most undervalued women out there. 5
alphamale Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Veddris If you like her just go out with her. You don't need to bring up child support or anything, and if shes a good mother she's not going to expect you to take any kind of role in her kids lives unless it gets serious. Kids that aren't yours are a complication sure but single mothers are some of the most undervalued women out there. no one mentioned the possibility of a crazy ex husband 1
carhill Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I actually did date a couple (that had three kids), since nearly all the women I dated were single mothers and, while things didn't work out long term, IMO the children didn't factor into that. I liked kids and enjoyed my interactions with them and I think the mothers, for the most part, handled the balance quite well. My last iteration was just prior to meeting my exW and that mom, who had two daughters and one grandchild, was also a trauma doctor and, still, she balanced things well. OP, as long as you enforce boundaries that are healthy for you, and in a clear, unambiguous and collaborative way, you will never be used. Everything in life is a choice and you are in full control of every choice you make in life.
mightycpa Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 If I were really desperate I might; but I'd rather have someone not so tightly anchored to her past relationships. How many daddies come with those three children? I love how everybody is assuming ONE. 2
Author VedderisBetter Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 She was married to one man and had all kids with same man. 1
mrs rubble Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Wow, she's 9months off her degree, working at an internship and a solo mum to 3 kids! She is obviously driven, motivated and smart. She's setting a great exmple to her children by showing them how she can cope without a man, which she is doing right now without any man's money. I'd be more inclined to ask myself if I were good enough for her and her children if I were you!! hudson701- what about widows? Are they used goods too? Your attitude is awful, I'm betting you don't get much company yourself. 4
NJ123 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 No chance. I don't know if I even want kids myself one day. So dating a woman with 3 kids is definitely not happening.
Hopeful30 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I personally couldn't be with someone who will forever be linked to another person via their children. Doesn't matter how amazing your relationship is, the other parent will ALWAYS be part of your relationship. Need to go on vacation and someone to watch the kids? Alot depends on the other parent. Can they take the kids? Do they share custody? And if they do, will they sign to let the kids travel? If not, you're not going anywhere. School play? Medical emergency? Other parent is there with your partner, because they are the parents. I would feel like a third wheel. If I'm ever going to start a family, it needs to be a closed unit: me, my man, my kids and NO outside influence that can intervene between me and my family. It's also tricky if you want children of your own. Will they feel left out because three of their siblings have the same father and can relate to each other more? Will there be bullying of any sort? Will the kid feel left out because YOU will be their dad, meanwhile all brothers and sisters go with THEIR dad? It's an unnecessary separation that I don't think any child should ever feel with their family. Of course this is just a generalization, all situations are different. Personally I wouldn't date a man with kids. I have in the past, and have experienced the jealous exes, baby mama drama and not being able to do anything I wanted because kids always came first. I want to come first before I come second. I think that's a fair thing to ask. 1
Price2Play Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 36yr old here, I stopped dating single moms about a year ago. I just can't do it anymore. Been there done that, even if she just has 1 I can't do it.
Art_Critic Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 When I was single.. well yeah I would date a woman with 3 kids... In a previous life I married one with a kid... As you get older you figure out that most woman out there that are single have kids.. so to not date them would mean cutting the dating pool mighty small...
mightycpa Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 She was married to one man and had all kids with same man. Whew! That's better than the alternative, IMHO.
Author VedderisBetter Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 She told me her ex lives on the opposite side of the country when I asked her what kind of custody she has. It's supposed to be joint but she has them full time. I guess her ex was a POS and said forget this.
idoltree Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 When is the right time to ask her about whether she's getting child support so I can be assured I won't be used? I figure it's if things get serious but kind of a dicey question to ask. I guess I don't understand the logic of this approach. Any woman who would use you for money would not honestly answer this question, so what's the point in asking it? All you can do is get to know her and observe her actions. If they're not above board, then you'll understand the type of character that you're dealing with.
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 If I were really desperate I might; but I'd rather have someone not so tightly anchored to her past relationships. How many daddies come with those three children? I love how everybody is assuming ONE. Cynical isn't is???
MissBee Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I started talking to a girl who's divorced with three kids. She is 9 months from a bachelor's degree and is working at an internship part time. The things I like about her so far is that she rarely drinks and seems nice and cute. Is it worth it to pursue her? When is the right time to ask her about whether she's getting child support so I can be assured I won't be used? I figure it's if things get serious but kind of a dicey question to ask. I mean...she is nice, cute, and doesn't drink hardly seems like that great of a reason to pursue someone especially if you already have all these hangups about it. There are lots of women who are nice, cute and don't drink who have no children and haven't been married. Also, asking her about her child support, I hope you're joking. Being used is something that becomes pretty obvious, if you were dating and she started asking you for money constantly, it would become pretty obvious you were "being used" so there is no need to be out of line by asking about child support. I can't even fathom this as a normal topic of conversation. Being used for money especially is not something that can happen without you noticing, you would notice them asking or needing money from you very often, so don't try to preempt it by being ridiculous, because what will happen is you will turn most decent women off who weren't even thinking such a thing based on your presumptuousness. At this stage in my life I'm in graduate school, I have no kids and haven't been married and lots of guys my age are in the same boat so no, I wouldn't be jumping to date a divorcee still working on his BA with 3 kids.
coryreply Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 What's the rush? Just slow down and keep getting to know her. You'll give yourself time to figure out if you really like her.
insert_name Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I'd be more inclined to ask myself if I were good enough for her and her children if I were you!! Yeah its a real privilege to audition for the part of father figure to 3 kids knowing that to her you will always be 4th in the list of priorities, possibly forgoing your own desire to have kids in the process. Where can I sign up for this amazing opportunity?!
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