avila Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Wanting to get a divorce but need advice. Hi all, Divorcing my husband has been on my mind since we got married, maybe even beforehand. I met my husband in Japan, (I'm Asian American, he is a pure Japanese resident with a green card currently). I will admit I think I partially married him at the time to keep my residency in Japan for my work/job. I cried a lot by myself when he didnt know, i was so unhappy with him and just being in a different country where women were looked down upon. I kept thinking, this will get better and being the naive girl i was, i thought us getting married would solve it. And then I got pregnant (thinking it would solve things, yes i was very naive), moved back to the states because I wanted to naturalize my kid as a US Citizen. it didn't solve the feeling I had about being with him: disassociated, out of love, unfeeling. I might as well just have married for money. I thought have more kids would solve it but since my 2nd child (and even that was really forced and unnatural, worst way to have a 2nd child) we haven't lived together. He works in Chicago, while I stay with my parents and raise my two kids in New Jersey. I'm working on getting a full-time job but also very unhappy feeling bound by this marriage that's pretty much just on paper. He does not send a penny to us at all and everything is paid out of my leftover funds or my parents. I'm also pretty sure there's a possibility of infidelity on his end but I don't even care at this point. Just goes to show how little I or he care for this marriage really. I'm afraid when i file for divorce, because he's got a job and I don't at the moment, he will be able to get full custody. But the only thing he's really paid for this whole time was 2 years of daycare and that's it. I or my parents are now paying for everything, sheltering the kids, and all. I definitely am ready for a divorce but also can feel the storm coming on. So that's why I am here, hoping someone can help me out, provide some insight on how best I could handle this. Maybe I should get a job first and file? or is it cleaner to sever the marriage and get on with my life from there? THank you, Avila
KBarletta Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Some of the questions you ask are best directed toward an attorney who can give you answers specific to your situation. I would advise you to speak to one as soon as possible. Getting a job would be a good idea in any case, if your aim is to get a divorce and live your own life apart from him. It also could help you gain custody, but, again, that question is best left to an attorney to answer. If you live in a "fault" state, then his infidelity could have implications in divorce/custody proceedings. So if you suspect your husband has cheated, I would quietly try to gather evidence of it and share that with your attorney. It sounds like you emotionally divested from this marriage a long time ago. I think your best bet is to quickly move on and do what's best for your kids. 1
sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Yes, you nee to see an attorney. Just because he has a job doesn't mean he gets custody of the kids. He would also have to pay you child support and possibly spousal support. It sounds like a terribly unhappy marriage. I hope he's not likely to get nasty or anything when you say you want to get divorced. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I'm afraid when i file for divorce, because he's got a job and I don't at the moment, he will be able to get full custody. But the only thing he's really paid for this whole time was 2 years of daycare and that's it. I or my parents are now paying for everything, sheltering the kids, and all. No way will he get custody. You say he hasn't paid a cent in helping out! If anything, he'll get visitation or (if he fights hard) shared custody. Do talk to a lawyer.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 He works in Chicago, while I stay with my parents and raise my two kids in New Jersey. I'm working on getting a full-time job but also very unhappy feeling bound by this marriage that's pretty much just on paper. He does not send a penny to us at all and everything is paid out of my leftover funds or my parents. I'm also pretty sure there's a possibility of infidelity on his end but I don't even care at this point. Just goes to show how little I or he care for this marriage really. Avila Have you discussed this with him? Living apart as you do, he may be just as disconnected as you are. Divorce may be a fairly simple process... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Some anecdotes from going through the process, albeit in California: Maybe I should get a job first and file? or is it cleaner to sever the marriage and get on with my life from there? My lawyer always told me to maximize the wife's business income and to encourage her to work. it wasn't really an issue since she wasn't looking to manipulate that part of the deal but she did collect alimony from her last exH until we got married so my lawyer was playing devil's advocate. So, in an adversarial action, depending upon your employability, you might fare better filing and making initial motions to the court as an unemployed mother of two. I'm afraid when i file for divorce, because he's got a job and I don't at the moment, he will be able to get full custody. Around here, judges like keeping kids in their familiar surroundings and look at what's in the best interest of the children. Absent compelling evidence, a judge wouldn't be ordering the kids out of the state or even out of the house they're currently living in. Overall, I'd be ready for an equitable marital property settlement and, presuming he doesn't move back to the local area, some sort of primary physical custody for you with organized visitation for him, including travel for the kids to his location periodically. Child support as the order and formula stipulate. Alimony might occur but I wouldn't count on it, especially if you have demonstrable employable skills. The good news is many divorce attorneys offer free consultations and you can learn a lot without paying a retainer. With children and your current circumstances, including his immigration status, I'd start looking for those consultations ASAP, if nothing else to clarify things. Good luck and welcome to LS.
coryreply Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 This is quite the situation! At first I didn't think this post could be real. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. I'm sure you're well aware at this point in your life that decisions carry consequences. Bad decisions don't just go away. The road you're on will be difficult at best. I'm glad to know you have a family that loves and cares about you and your kids. You'll certainly need their support through all of this. If he did pursue custody, is there any chance he would take the kids back to Japan?
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