How extreme can the pleading and begging be before it all goes out the window?

[Jonp219]

Ok first of all this isn't for me it's for a friend who recently went through a break up. I told him about Loveshack and he would really love to hear some opinions (told him he should make an account, he said maybe later).

 

Anyway this is his story...

 

He and his gf of 6 years broke up in January and he was/is an alcoholic (currently in a substance abuse program and doing quite well thankfully). She left him because of his substance abuse issues and told him to go get his life together, because she doesn't like the person he becomes when he's under the influence. It wasn't physical abuse or anything of that nature, the relationship just became unhealthy for both of them.

 

He still loves her dearly and wants to reconcile with her one day after he feels he can live without a drink. He told me he exuded too much needy behavior during the break up phase. He told her he was going to get his life together and prove to her that he will change. He called her some weeks later and they had a talk (obviously it was too early). She told him, "Listen, go get your **** together, make sure you're good and contact me in a few months. I don't want this now, not the way you are". He basically agreed and told her, "Fine I should be done with my program in a few months I'll contact you then, however, I'm not going to wait for you". She said, "No one said you had to just go get yourself together".

 

Now he believes that with telling her all that she's keeping him on a string (which I agree). But he ultimately wants to know if his chances are blown after those two conversations.

 

He didn't constantly continue to contact her after the break up after it ended he only contacted her a few weeks later, and it was it.

 

He understands that he needs to focus on fixing his addiction before even thinking about contacting her, but he's finally getting to a place where he doesn't need to drink anymore.

 

What do you guys think? Bad move? He really loves her.

[marcelo.santos]

She don't want him anymore. If she really wants something with him after this 6 years relationship, she would be with him all the time during the treatment.

 

Tell him to assume NC and move on.

[d0nnivain]

he should talk to his sponsor. Most will tell him no relationships for at least a year because he has to get his act together. When he gets that one year chip, perhaps reach out, show it to her & ask for another chance if she hasn't moved on.

[rester]

I would tell him to move on. He may disagree, but she's not worth his time if she's not going to be able to stick it out with him while he's in recovery. He's actively getting himself together but she doesn't care because she's not into him anymore. She doesn't want the trouble and I would bet anything that she's not waiting on him.

[ZiggyZoo]

I don't think those two it matters to his ex at this point how needy he was during the breakup, or if it ruined his chances for a relationship with her. She's done with the guy he was, doesn't matter how much begging he did. He shouldn't feel bad at all about it, there's plenty of us on here who have been in the same spot and begged and pleaded with our exs too.

[Jonp219]

Reason she left is because she was fed up he's been in rehab before and always relapsed. This is the longest he's lasted without a drink he's very motivated to change.

[Ruby65]

. She told him, "Listen, go get your **** together, make sure you're good and contact me in a few months. I don't want this now, not the way you are"

 

Really? Because oddly enough, that's exactly what YOUR ex told YOU a month ago when you broke up!

 

Assuming you're talking about yourself and your abuse issues, I think you should just continue your therapy. There's no point in posting as someone else in hopes of getting a different answer..... you have an issue with abuse, you need to fix that issue FOR YOURSELF.

 

This girl, you've said, is afraid of you. No point in pretending that doesn't exist.

 

Keep moving forward. Your future is bright!

[Itspointless]

Reason she left is because she was fed up he's been in rehab before and always relapsed. This is the longest he's lasted without a drink he's very motivated to change.

What if he reaches the point of one year sober and she rejects him ... Is she his only motivation?

[rester]

What if he reaches the point of one year sober and she rejects him ... Is she his only motivation?

 

Right. She abandoned him/you/whoever and him/you need to focus on getting himself/yourself together for himself/yourself. The sooner he/you realize she's gone and can move on, the better. Hope is only going to prolong the pain. Focus on himself/yourself is the most important thing.

 

If it's any help at all, she is not worthy of any more attention because she abandoned him/you in a time of need. That alone is reason to forget about her.

[Jonp219]

Right. She abandoned him/you/whoever and him/you need to focus on getting himself/yourself together for himself/yourself. The sooner he/you realize she's gone and can move on, the better. Hope is only going to prolong the pain. Focus on himself/yourself is the most important thing.

 

If it's any help at all, she is not worthy of any more attention because she abandoned him/you in a time of need. That alone is reason to forget about her.

 

I think she's doing it so he can get himself together. He's not going to stay in rehab if she's always there. Sometimes you have to do something extreme for someone's own good.

[mightycpa]

I think he blew his chances when he decided that he loved whatever was in that bottle more than her.