amkxoxo Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 So he wasn't necessarily my ex, but close enough. We dated for months and months, but he wasn't wanting a relationship and I wanted something serious. It slowly drove into madness to be in limbo with someone. I stopped trying and so did he. It was like an unspoken mutual decision that we both practiced. When it gets to the point where I have to ask him when I am going to be his girlfriend, something needs to change. He had a past girlfriend hurt him badly and leave him and I think he was still getting over internal turmoil from that. He would tell me that he didn't expect to meet someone so soon, and he didn't expect to like me a lot. He said that I was his type of girl, and he wished he wasn't messed up to be able to give me more, the relationship I craved from him. In the end like I said we pretty much mutually cut each other off. I stopped calling as much. I couldn't. Every time we would talk I would be high on life and then when the phone call ended I would be heartbroken that it was nothing more than a phone call for him. Some times I would be agitated on the phone with him and I would get snippy, because he was leading me on to nothing. When I slowly phased him out of my life, he never followed me. I have dated other people since. From what I see, he hasn't seen anyone else. It has been a year and a half now. I met some guys out in the world that I like, some I don't like as much. He and I always kept a little life line between us. The occasional text. The facebook comment. A like to a post. Some times even a picture text message form him. A comment from me. We know each other so well, I think it feels wierd to ignore someone you spent so much time getting to know well. He seems like he is in a better place in his life now, but I don't know for sure, since comments are brief. When he has any such contact with me, I freeze. My heart sinks. I still have a small soft spot for him in my heart. I am stronger now, and know what I deserve and what I need to walk away from. I won't, can't settle to be dragged around chasing after the air he breathes. It doesn't work that way. Guys should be pursuing a girl. I put in so much time and effort to be crushed. The other day was my birthday. I was looking forward to cake, gifts, and spending time with friends. What I didn't expect was a message from him. He remembered my birthday. I thanked him for his kind wishes and told him I was surprised after all the time that has gone by. He said he is good with birthdays and I should be celebrating. I didn't really respond. Trying not to get my hopes up. His last text message wasn't something that needed a response. A while later he sent another one, almost trying to forge a conversation from our awkward talk. I responded and am now waiting for a response. I don't know what to think about this sudden communication he seems to be trying to create. Why now? He has had my number all this time. I didnt wish him happy birthday. I don't regret my decision. On my birthday I dream of him coming to my door with flowers and saying he was sorry. I got a bread crumb form him and I'm having heart palpitations. I am keeping my responses simple and not too personal. I am so dumbfounded by this. What do I think? How do I not let it get to me. Its only texting. I feel myself falling into his spell. I'm weak.
hunk Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Reading the first few paragraphs of your post made my heart jump, I completely thought you were my ex. I was that guy. I am your ex. Obviously not literally but I was in his EXACT, to a tee, situation. I will write this from the perspective of this guy. I was coming out of a relationship where I was hurt, and then sort of "fell" into something I wasn't 100% sure about. I loved hanging out and spending time with you but my heart was never 100% in it, even though I wanted it to be. I never completely understood why it was like this. I never put in the right amount of effort despite knowing you wanted more, because I knew how much you liked me and I didn't think it would ever end. At the same time I also knew it was going to end, and there were times where I wanted to end it but couldn't because I knew how much it would hurt you, and also because deep down I really did care about you and liked you and spending time with you. There was just something there that wouldn't allow me to completely commit to you and give it 100%, and it was my ex. It never really had much to do with you, it could've been any other girl. I was just not in the right headspace to be in a REAL relationship with anyone. My ex and I also just kind of faded apart, we just sort of stopped talking for a week or so in some weird unspoken mutual thing where neither of us made the first move, until she called me crying saying she couldn't do it anymore. The difference with our situations is I reflected on what happened for a day, and then realized how much I wanted her and how badly i'd ****ed up. I unloaded everything onto her and apologized, told her everything and that I was ready and wanted a real relationship, but she was done, like it sounds like you were. I think this guy wants you back. There is no other reason for him to be contacting you, because you didn't have a proper relationship that peaked, fizzled out and would constitute a lingering 'friends' situation. You guys have unfinished business as a relationship never quite happened. I think he might have reached the stage I was at as soon as I was dumped - the "oh man what have I done" stage. I feel like if you had called him and told him it was over, that you couldn't do it anymore and told him how much he had hurt you, he might've come around faster, as you would've been proactively putting the nail in the coffin and being the one in control for once. Do you want him back?
Author amkxoxo Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I want him back so badly. But he would tell me he needed time, and he thought that maybe in the future it would just click and he would come for me. He would tell me if I met someone else and liked them, that I could be with them because he wasn't 100%. I was so hurt. I wanted him to want me to be his and only his. I couldn't do it anymore. My tipping point was when I go into a car accident and was hurt. My leg broken. He came to see me and acted all concerned. I thought things were great. It seemed promising. Then I didnt hear from him for weeks. I was so hurt. Hurt because I was hurt, and hurt because he didnt check on me once. I finally called him scared because my injury was getting severely worse. I was crying to him on the phone and whining. He just didnt seem to feel that bad. He was joking and trying to make me laugh, which was fun, but I wanted a boyfriend. I realized that even my upset behavior wasn't going to make him be my boyfriend. I couldn't be upset with him while battling something in my own personal life. I was done. I have missed him everyday since. Like i said its been a year and a half.
hunk Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Did you actively do anything about it though? As in, did you communicate that you wanted a boyfriend and if he couldn't be that you would leave? Basically i'm trying to see if you technically "dumped" him, or you just kind of stopped talking to him. The thing is, if he KNEW what you wanted the ball is in his court now. Unless you were the one who cut things off and he then made his intentions clear (which he obviously didn't) then he needs to be communicating desire to start fresh.
AprilTears Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I want him back so badly. But he would tell me he needed time, and he thought that maybe in the future it would just click and he would come for me. He would tell me if I met someone else and liked them, that I could be with them because he wasn't 100%. I was so hurt. I wanted him to want me to be his and only his. I couldn't do it anymore. My tipping point was when I go into a car accident and was hurt. My leg broken. He came to see me and acted all concerned. I thought things were great. It seemed promising. Then I didnt hear from him for weeks. I was so hurt. Hurt because I was hurt, and hurt because he didnt check on me once. I finally called him scared because my injury was getting severely worse. I was crying to him on the phone and whining. He just didnt seem to feel that bad. He was joking and trying to make me laugh, which was fun, but I wanted a boyfriend. I realized that even my upset behavior wasn't going to make him be my boyfriend. I couldn't be upset with him while battling something in my own personal life. I was done. I have missed him everyday since. Like i said its been a year and a half. I've just broken up with my boyfriend for acting like yours and I had had enough! Why do you want to be with a man who treats you so terribly? Trust me, it took some nerve on my part to break it off but I deserve much better than what he had to offer. You need to stop replying to him. Please do something to help yourself. A year and a half is a long time to not be over this non-relationship. Please focus on YOU and not this person who doesn't give a dam*!!
Author amkxoxo Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I let him know I wanted a boyfriend. He knew I wanted that. He said I deserved that. I would tell him I like him. I'm not great at expressing how I truly feel, but he had to have known. I stopped talking to him, hoping he would come after me and start calling or trying to see me, but over time he didn't either. That hurt me so much, that maybe I wasn't worth it to him. But I am worth it. He knows where I am and how to reach me. He texted me today that he owes me drinks for my birthday. I would love that, but it might mean nothing more than friends. I don't know if I could handle that.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I let him know I wanted a boyfriend. He knew I wanted that. He said I deserved that. I would tell him I like him. I'm not great at expressing how I truly feel, but he had to have known. I stopped talking to him, hoping he would come after me and start calling or trying to see me, but over time he didn't either. That hurt me so much, that maybe I wasn't worth it to him. But I am worth it. He knows where I am and how to reach me. He texted me today that he owes me drinks for my birthday. I would love that, but it might mean nothing more than friends. I don't know if I could handle that. Then don't do it. You shouldn't be talking to your ex until you truly are fine with whatever happens. You clearly aren't and you're clearly turning yourself into a mess again, as you have in the past. I'd cease all contact unless he makes it abundantly clear that he wants to be your boyfriend. Everytime this guys contacts you you jump at it, and every time it turns out the same -- nothing. It's clear that your usual approach isn't working, so stop repeating it. 1
hunk Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I would just let it go. He obviously knows how you felt the entire time you were together. This is a bit of a strange situation though. He might be worried you've completely detached from him after all the garbage he put you through, especially since there was no actual dumping or any closure going on, and is hesitant to just come out with guns blazing. In the same token though, SINCE there wasn't any dumping I would expect him to be pretty clear with his intentions of trying again, and i suspect that from your replies to him you've made it pretty obvious you're still interested and he knows this. You have nothing to lose by going cold NC with the expectation of never hearing the words you want to hear from him. All of this sporadic contact is just messing you up in the head and inflating your false hope. I wouldn't be replying to anything other than something along the lines of him wanting to try again. I wouldn't even reply to an apology to be honest. 1
AprilTears Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 OP, one thing I've realized recently with my EX sending me a useless message is that he doesn't want me, he just wants to win. He is a control freak and I know that his loss of control over me or the situation is bugging his gigantic ego. When I first received my EXs email I was flattered that he was thinking about me. Do not fall for it!! I fell for it two other times with this man during the course of our relationship and guess what changed after I let him back in? NOTHING! You must set boundaries and you must not let him cross them!! You will end up being hurt even worse than before. Please protect your heart!! He's not going to!
hunk Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 April is 100% right. I am at the point where I think I can admit that what has challenged me most about my own break up honestly might be the loss of control over the situation, and the fact i've had the tables flipped on me. If he feels like you're no longer chasing him this might (most probably is) bugging him and he's just hanging around momentarily to gauge how you respond to him, to see if you're still attached, to see what's going on in your life and to give you the "hey look i'm still here" thing. If I can talk to you as my ex - I would say leave me alone and ignore anything I tell you, because I don't even know what I want. Even if I tell you I have changed, the way I behaved when we were together speaks volumes and once I feel like I have you back I will become the same guy that broke your heart, waiting for someone I actually "feel it" (don't even know what "it" is, to be completely honest) with while stringing you along. Pretend I am this guy. I will just make you miserable again, just cut me out. Ha, that actually felt kind of therapeutic to type 1
AprilTears Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 April is 100% right. I am at the point where I think I can admit that what has challenged me most about my own break up honestly might be the loss of control over the situation, and the fact i've had the tables flipped on me. If he feels like you're no longer chasing him this might (most probably is) bugging him and he's just hanging around momentarily to gauge how you respond to him, to see if you're still attached, to see what's going on in your life and to give you the "hey look i'm still here" thing. If I can talk to you as my ex - I would say leave me alone and ignore anything I tell you, because I don't even know what I want. Even if I tell you I have changed, the way I behaved when we were together speaks volumes and once I feel like I have you back I will become the same guy that broke your heart, waiting for someone I actually "feel it" (don't even know what "it" is, to be completely honest) with while stringing you along. Pretend I am this guy. I will just make you miserable again, just cut me out. Ha, that actually felt kind of therapeutic to type That's exactly what I've come to realize that my EX would say to me if he had ingested truth serum. Thanks for posting that!
Author amkxoxo Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I agree with all you have said. This is probably one of the more rational conversations to my issue. I know he isn’t perfect. Neither am I. I have met men since him and dated some, worse, and better than him. His pedestal status was slowly revoked. I still have a soft spot for him, because we got to know each other so well, and to me I can’t forget the time we spent together, but as you’ve said it is in the past. I’m trying to build up my confidence in myself to not be blinded by his contact. He might miss me, but then he needs to tell me that. I don’t know if he is afraid to scare me off by coming on too strong after so long. Or maybe he is seeing if I still hold a torch for him. Maybe he is lonely. He is moving into my town at the end of this month and maybe he is hoping to make friends with my friends, since he won’t know a lot of people. He made contact. It’s nothing more than a birthday wish. He then shocked me again by saying he owed me a drink for my birthday, then he mentioned a specific drink. A drink eh and I enjoyed all the time together. I ignored his comment. If he really wants this he can call or text me and make the plan. I am not taking it in any special way. Owing me a drink for my birthday could be something he does with a lot of friends. He could be trying to be friends. After all we went through and got physically and emotionally close, it would take a lot of hard work to just be friends. Not being able to touch each other or hold hands. We naturally flirt with each other so that would have to stop. I think if we were both on good terms with that, we could do it. I could do it. What keeps me going is the great people who have stuck by me and bee good friends to me since him. They are the people I incorporate into my life and make time for. You have to earn it. I hate saying that, because I don’t want it to seem high maintenance, but I think a guy can pursue a girl and do it the right way. He would have to do this. I need to put me first. Put my friends and and family first. If he wants to get in with my friends and I then he needs to work to be my friend. I am not just handing him all my friends on a silver platter for him to have a social life, since he is moving into my town for work. It doesn't work that way. I do deserve more. I hate saying that, making me look high maintenance, but I see guys chase girls all the time and they go over and above. He needs to try. If he tries. I will try. Its hard because I am so skeptical of him now. I don't know his motives and in that sense I am protective. Even if he had positive motives, I think I would have some walls up. As much as I hope things change when he gets here. I can't sit and dream about them changing. I catchy myself thinking all these great things, but I stop myself. It's so hard. I have to keep my life from him. At least until I trust him again. I need to continue to do what I want to do and go out with my friends and have fun. If he wants in, he can make an effort. I keep repeating all of this like a mantra in my head.
Zapbasket Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I do deserve more. I hate saying that, making me look high maintenance, This is something I'm working hard on, too: saying you deserve more does NOT make you high maintenance. It makes you someone who has high regard for yourself, as you should--as anyone of us should. When you think about it, a relationship can only be as great as the standards you uphold for yourself--not only the standards to which you hold yourself in a relationship in terms of YOUR behavior, but also the standards you expect the other person to uphold in terms of THEIRS. I have spent my whole life of romantic relationships rationalizing ****ty behavior from my partners. No more. People can be imperfect, but their intentions, their motivation, and their self-awareness towards the relationship and where the relationship is concerned should reflect a very high standard. Otherwise, what do you have? Some douche who is half in, who doesn't treasure you, who has the self-awareness of a jellyfish and who shows all of these lacks in their behavior toward you and the relationship. If you convince yourself that "must" be okay with you because otherwise it would mean you were "high maintenance," then you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of crap and hurt. And who wants that? Seriously, the more time I spend single the more I realize how truly unacceptable it is to spend ONE DAY of your life on someone who doesn't really, really want to be around you and who SHOWS it, every day, in some way.
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