amkxoxo Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 So I feel like I need help to relax. I make myself anxious, nervous, and hyped up. I let so much bother me, causing a lot of stress. I feel like I need to let things go gain confidence in myself. I feel like inside I am very self-conscious. When I attempt to not care, I can come across as egotistical and into myself, which isn’t true. I am normally pretty oblivious. I think people don’t notice me. Then sometimes I go out and I feel like I took all this time to get ready, I am classy, fun, and just want everyone to like me, then I try too hard and it just fails. I end up embarrassed and very self-conscious. I wish I was more easy going, like I used to be. I try and put on this perception of perfection, though inside I feel not even close. Everyone has flaws, myself included. I have this terrified notion that once someone sees the flaws I see within myself they won’t want me or like what they see. This I feel affects my relationships with men. I am 22 and never had a serious boyfriend. I dream of the day when I can be happy with a man that I care about, who cares about me. I know I am attractive and have a lot to offer, because I have guys take interest in me and ask me out. But I don’t like a lot of them. The men I do like, it’s always bad timing or situation. I chased one guy who I really liked, when he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It lasted months on end and it ended with me hurt. I gave him so much and I let him closer to me than anyone ever had gotten. But that still doesn’t mean he owed me anything. He was an okay guy. I partially blame myself for our issues because I was so love struck. He didn’t necessarily let me go either. He should have, when he had no intention of being with me seriously. Recently I fell for this other guy who I met through a friend. We seemed to hit it off and I liked his personality. Nothing really amounted from it thought, and we are still just friends. He seemed interested a little here and a little there, and then it just ended. I don’t know if I said something wrong or did something that he didn’t like. I started getting self-conscious on him and maybe this pushed him away. I would filter what I said around him and stopped being totally myself. I can’t help it. This kind of thing just happens. When I like someone I get all obsessed with them and I together. I try too hard and it can make things awkward. When I am just myself people like me better, but when I like someone I go into this mode of watching every little step I take, which is boring. I get so in my head and start over thinking everything which makes me paranoid and serious. I need to loosen up. I just feel like I am never going to get the guy I want. Recently, my ex, the first guy who wasn’t ready for a relationship has been texting me out of the blue. I have been answering briefly. It has me all very anxious now. I can’t get to sleep at night because of my over thinking. I can already feel myself drifting into the mode of not knowing what to say to him because I’m over thinking. I am filtering already. More than anything I was hoping he would get his life together and come back to me. I am hoping this might be our second chance, but I don’t want to ruin it by being awkward and not myself. I am terrified.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Instead of letting men dictate your life, how about trying to understand yourself first? One of the most important thing that I have learned from my recent breakup is knowing my self-worth and most importantly how I personally perceive myself. I am like you, I get anxious about my own inner flaws and am very scared of letting me in, but I also know that if I don't start loving myself first, I can't expect others to love me. You have to work on yourself. If you get anxious, I suggest you stop texting your ex altogether until you reach a point in your life where you will not be so readily accommodating to others, but rather to yourself. 2
idoltree Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Sweetie, have you been to counseling? You need perspective and you need to understand why you are like this. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help with those negative voices in your head. The truth is that you are your own worst critic. You think you have to be perfect to be loved, but you don't. The evidence is all around you - do you care about people only when they're perfect? No. So your fear leads you to build walls around yourself and no one ever gets to know the real you. The one who feels real joy, and is capable of connecting with people, and the one who can go easy on herself and others. This is your problem, because all those good things that you're walling off are what draw people to you and make them want to be around you. Think about a time in your life when you were really really happy. Maybe you had a friend who you could be goofy around and laugh a lot. Maybe you did something that made you feel proud and worthy of love. Remember how you felt and how you acted then, and understand that's how you need to be to attract people into your orbit. You are also an over-thinker so you have trouble staying in the moment. And you need to do that. You need to connect and have a real conversation and be present. Do you have hobbies? Physical activity can help you get out of your head and those endorphins are good for feeling good about yourself. Do you challenge yourself in your personal life in any way? Run a marathon? Knit a sweater? Walk dogs at the animal shelter? Anything that can give you some perspective? Other than counseling, hobbies, and challenging yourself, pick up books like "How to win friends and influence people." My guess is your over-thinking is causing you to act in ways that don't allow others to get close to you. That book will have good tips and tricks you can practice to build connection with people. I hope that helps. You have a filter when it comes to yourself and you can't see yourself accurately. No one else is as critical of you as you are. Given that we are born alone and we die alone, and the only person we really really have to rely on is ourselves, you need to love yourself. To spend even one minute more not liking who you are is a waste. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 First of all, you need to stop responding to your ex. This guy continually does this after a few months, you get all crazy and overthinking, and it never goes anywhere. You need to stop talking to him unless he makes a profound effort to be with you that you don't have to question. As for the rest of it, I think counseling would be a good step. You overthink things to the point where you get all crossed up. 1
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