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What's Your Relationship With Your EX - And What IS/ISN'T Normal?

bubblygrl5

By bubblygrl5
in General Relationship Discussion

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bubblygrl5 Established Member

bubblygrl5

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Okay....so, I used to date this guy. Total sweetheart, he has a BIG...heart, and even BIGGER...brains. :) Haha...

 

We connected emotionally, shared the same sense of humor - but the timing for a relationship wasn't right. I was fresh outta one, and just couldnt commit. Later, I met someone else, he and I became bf/gf. Me and the other guy (let's call him Steven) remained on really good terms. We hung out alot still. And, at one point, when my bf and I broke up for 6 months and didn't see each other at all....me and Steven hung out, and we slept together a few times. Okay, maybe more than a few times! :)

 

We didn't talk about anything after we'd sleep together - we both knew we were friends, and that this wasn't going to mean we had to be together or anything. But, I was really starting to feel something again, and I know he was too....but we both fought it off. He met a new girl and became her bf...I ran into my ex at random, and he and I got back together. My guess is that neither knew what the other was thinking.

 

Now, both of us couples are happily committed. Well, me and mine have has our share of issues...but I am certainly committed. Him and his gf seem very happy too...I had drinks with them once.

 

Recently, his grandmother passed away. He pretty much went into hiding and wouldnt talk to anyone. I left him voicemails, emails, text-messages all the time, to let him know I was there for him - if he did decide to talk. Slowly, he started to call me back, and now we talk all the time. I think I am one of the few that he has decided to let back in.

 

Okay, I'll make a long story short...well, he calls me a lot, and texts me a lot. I'd say we're sort of flirtatious...but I would say it's tasteful. I'll tell him he looks handsome in an outfit, or he;ll tell me I look beautiful, or kiss me on the cheek. But sometimes, I get these calls at 4AM, (last nite I got 6 missed calls!) or he'll text me stuff like, "Hey girl, Hey sexy, hey baby"...or he'll leave me messages saying, "I need to talk to you, call me back." All this stuff is in the wee hours of the morning. So, I'll wake up like 9 or 10, text him back, and be like - everything ok? And he'll be like, I'm fine, U? As if calls at 4 AM are normal. Thank god for "Silent" mode.

 

We don't really address why he called me so many times! I figure he was drunk dialing...I mean, I am certain of it..and it's no big deal. But I DO NOT drunk dial him...I call my BF, and wake him up instead. We've gotten drinks - he wouldn't try to kiss me or anything...so then I think, well - maybe he's just really comfy with me....so is this how you act with your ex?

 

 

Bubbly

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

men and woman should not remain "friends" once they have ended their romantic relationship. almost always it eventually leads to trouble down the road.

 

the only exception is when they have children together.

Lonestar Established Member

Lonestar

Posted
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Originally posted by alphamale

the only exception is when they have children together.

 

As I have learned, even that is not a good thing. It's exactly how the ex and I ended back in bed together, because we became friends again.

 

Being civil and "friendly" for the children is one thing, being "friends" with an ex while having children in common can lead to years of recurring stupid mistakes.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by Lonestar

Being civil and "friendly" for the children is one thing

actually, LONESTAR, that is what I meant. Being friendly vs. "friends". The two are different. You can be friendly with your coworkers but not be freinds with them.

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bubblygrl5 Established Member

bubblygrl5

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Originally posted by alphamale

men and woman should not remain "friends" once they have ended their romantic relationship. almost always it eventually leads to trouble down the road.

 

the only exception is when they have children together.

 

I agree with this - and so I usually never try to keep exes as friends. However, he was my friend before...and since we live within walking distance...he remained my friend afterwards, also.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is whether or not you sometimes run to your ex for comfort and you flirt cause you know it's just "safe"...

 

 

Bubbly

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by bubblygrl5

I guess what I'm wondering is whether or not you sometimes run to your ex for comfort and you flirt cause you know it's just "safe"...

well BUBBLYGRL5, the last people I would want to run to for comfort are my ex girlfriends. since I dumped the majority of them they'd probably want to castrate me.

Lonestar Established Member

Lonestar

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by alphamale

actually, LONESTAR, that is what I meant. Being friendly vs. "friends". The two are different. You can be friendly with your coworkers but not be freinds with them.

 

exactamundo :cool:

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bubblygrl5 Established Member

bubblygrl5

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Posted
Originally posted by alphamale

well BUBBLYGRL5, the last people I would want to run to for comfort are my ex girlfriends. since I dumped the majority of them they'd probably want to castrate me.

 

For some reason, I believe it when you say they want to castrate you! :):bunny: :bunny:

 

See, the thing is, he and I didn't have a rollercoaster relationship. We dated...he asked me to be his gf...and I didn't feel ready (I was still freaked out cause I had been dumped by my ex!) so I said I just couldnt. He said hanging out with me knowing he cared would be hard...but he was there if I needed him. So, we didn't talk for a couple months, but eventually we did again.

 

So, there were no hard feelings there, which is why we are very amicable still. I just worry that feelings will creep up again, and I don't want this to be complicated.

 

 

Bubbly

babybear Established Member

babybear

Posted
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Exes probably shouldn't be friends...but I don't think it's impossible...as long as you aren't hanging out every single day or anything...

 

The calling u at 4 am thing...well...your bf wouldn't like it...and I'm pretty sure your exes gf wouldn't want to be told her bf is calling someone else SEXY or BABY, and at 4 am no less.

 

I've been in this situation before. If you've known him for a long time...and you know the boundaries, then I wouldn't trip about it too much. You have a bf, you have to be respectful of that. And giving your ex the benefit of the doubt...perhaps he is just really comfortable with you. And since you've been intimate in the past...he probably figures that a little flirting is nothing.

 

But, personally, I'm just wondering why he decides to call YOU and not his own gf. Perhaps, he is still interested?

 

Babybear

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Recently, his grandmother passed away. He pretty much went into hiding and wouldnt talk to anyone. I left him voicemails, emails, text-messages all the time, to let him know I was there for him - if he did decide to talk. Slowly, he started to call me back, and now we talk all the time. I think I am one of the few that he has decided to let back in.

 

He went to the wrong woman here. Encouraging him to talk to his girlfriend (wife?) would have been better.

 

he calls me a lot, and texts me a lot. I'd say we're sort of flirtatious...but I would say it's tasteful. I'll tell him he looks handsome in an outfit, or he;ll tell me I look beautiful, or kiss me on the cheek. But sometimes, I get these calls at 4AM, (last nite I got 6 missed calls!) or he'll text me stuff like, "Hey girl, Hey sexy, hey baby"...or he'll leave me messages saying, "I need to talk to you, call me back." All this stuff is in the wee hours of the morning. So, I'll wake up like 9 or 10, text him back, and be like - everything ok? And he'll be like, I'm fine, U? As if calls at 4 AM are normal. Thank god for "Silent" mode.

 

That's not a cool thing because it is bringing up old feelings - And sexual feelings too. It's not fair to you, him and ofcourse YOUR boyfriend/husband and his girlfriend/wife.

 

Not a good idea to have a 'close' friendship like that with an ex...

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bubblygrl5 Established Member

bubblygrl5

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Posted
Originally posted by whichwayisup

He went to the wrong woman here. Encouraging him to talk to his girlfriend (wife?) would have been better.

 

Well, he did go to her also(gf, he's not married) . Or, I am assuming he did - because he'll tell me what they did over the weekend, or whatever. I guess I am one of the "friends" he opened up to again. He hasn't called back the majority of his guy friends even.

 

That's not a cool thing because it is bringing up old feelings - And sexual feelings too. It's not fair to you, him and ofcourse YOUR boyfriend/husband and his girlfriend/wife.

 

Not a good idea to have a 'close' friendship like that with an ex...

 

Yea, I agree with that. Me aside, I think it's mostly unfair to my bf and his gf. My bf knows about it, cause he'll hear my phone ring. It's his gf that probably has no idea.

 

But I guess I am mostly confused b/c when he have lunch or coffee....it's SO platonic. We don't say anything sexual. It's just when this happens, that it gets all gray again. It's weird. I don't get it.

 

Bubbly

purple21 Established Member

purple21

Posted
Posted

yeah i broke up with ex in May - actually he ended it - i was a wuss and i'm so happy he did

anyways - we still remained good friends for a couple months and went out a lot together and did stuff I think just because we were so use to it - we were together for almost 6 years

 

but one diff was there was no sex involved - it was more just of a comfort thing i guess - well when i did hook up with someone else and they noticed my cell kept ringing and he asked me who kept calling and it was my ex - he was like what the hell are you still talking to him for - it kinda made me realize we were relying on each other too much so I stopped returning his calls for awhile - and he got pissed - so I left him a voice mail telling him I needed time away from him to move on - eventually one of us would get in another relationship and being with each other so much wasn't gonna help either one of us because we also didn't want to get back together - well at least I didn't -

 

so after a month - I called him again and we talk every once in awhile - maybe do dinner here or there - he also found a gf in the meantime - who is just broke up with and started calling me a lot again - no thanks

 

So I think you can be friends with an ex but there definitely has to be boundaries - sex is def not a good idea - I'll take his calls once in awhile but when it starts getting to the point of everyday I don't answer for awhile - I like to talk and see what he is up to but I don't want to be his best bud or gf either - that's someone else's job - like your exs new gf

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