ally2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) Hi All, This is my story so far unfortunately and I feel like it is going to last forever! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/515485-continue-no-contact Everything is such a mess! I literally feel stuck. I hate it. I am trying to move forward, trying to make plans for myself and my child but some days... like today it just seems hopeless. My child hasn't seen her dad in almost 2 months and he is now "dating" a 45 year old woman, (if you can call her that considering her behaviour towards me) and has no contact with myself. I do not get what he sees in a 45 year old when he is 26 years old, makes me ill thinking about it. Like he has left his family, his loving fiance, his beautiful child, without a second thought... just up and left no reasoning then and still none now. No explanations, just nothing. I'm just at a loss, living day to day and I am honestly over it. It is so unfair and I shouldn't have to be the one to be making the effort...But i feel that if i dont do it, how the hell can things improve. I dont want to live like this, i want things to be sorted so the anxiety and stress wont be so high! It also hurts to know that he isnt feeling what i am... well not yet atleast... like he would have to be upset, i was going to be his wife, we had a life planned together, we have a child.... he cant just stop caring... he has done awful things yet i still love him because love isnt a switch. I just feel so stuck and really dont know what to do anymore! I am trying to do the best thing by my child, i am always second guessing myself, the ex is blaming everything on me when he does communicate, I want the person I know he was in her life and not the person he is now... he has changed completely in 3 months into someone i cant even recognise. its awful, he has essentially abandoned his child and me. I guess I just would love to talk to someone that has maybe been through something similar, any advice, thoughts on what the hell is going on with him, I just feel hopeless and im over it. Edited March 10, 2015 by ally2015
Quiet Storm Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 The reason why is that he is using drugs. Many substances can alter personality, and once they get that addict mentality (lying, being sneaky, selfish), they can stay that way even if they quit drugs (aka dry drunk). You have to accept that this is him now. He won't change unless he wants to. As someone who experienced my father's coke rages, it's very confusing for a child. Kids don't understand that drugs are involved.. They just know daddy loves them one day and yells the next, and kids will blames themselves for it. You have to be able to cope with this for your child's well being. She needs at least one stable and loving parent. Focus on her and being a good mom, instead of him and what a crappy dad he is being. 1
Ruby65 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 You really have to stop making this into a soap opera about your failed romance with this guy.... and make it all about your child. You continue to post about him.... and insist you're doing the best for your child.... but as long as you keep the focus on you and your heartbreak and disappointment, you're not focused on your daughter. In five years, she'll be a much more real and vocal part of your life. At some point, you're going to have to give HER center stage. Good luck to you! 1
Author ally2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 You really have to stop making this into a soap opera about your failed romance with this guy.... and make it all about your child. You continue to post about him.... and insist you're doing the best for your child.... but as long as you keep the focus on you and your heartbreak and disappointment, you're not focused on your daughter. In five years, she'll be a much more real and vocal part of your life. At some point, you're going to have to give HER center stage. Good luck to you! My child is the main focus and priority in my life. She is the reason i get up every single day. She is also too young to feel the pain her dad is causing so i feel it for her. I wrote this post because i am struggling to cope with everything. Struggling because my family has fallen apart with no closure or explanation. Struggling because he has abandoned his child and at any point he can legally barge back into her life. Struggling because ive lost my best friend and partner. Struggling because i do not know what to do anymore... i do not see how anything is going to improve. How am i meant to just move on when everything is still up in the air regarding my child? I just feel stuck... my ex acts like he hates me, wont speak to me and blames everything on me... when i havent done anything. He is the one that left. All ive done since is protect my child from him even though he has asked 2 times to see her in 3 months. I dont want my life to be a drama... i just dont know what the hell to do moving forward. I am dealing with all of this on my own.. my hurt and my childs.
irresolute Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting. Your situation is very difficult. You should understand your ex has some issues and accept him as he is. He's a horrible father for your daughter and he left you for an older woman. I've read he does drugs as well, so you shouldn't expect much of a perso like this. Try to move on and find someone else. I'm sure you can do it.
Author ally2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting. Your situation is very difficult. You should understand your ex has some issues and accept him as he is. He's a horrible father for your daughter and he left you for an older woman. I've read he does drugs as well, so you shouldn't expect much of a perso like this. Try to move on and find someone else. I'm sure you can do it. Thank you. My situation sucks! He 100% has major issues, I just don't get why he wont just simplify the issues especially regarding our child... Yes he is acting like a horrible father and the older woman... i just dont even get that haha. And yes i am 90% sure drugs are a factor in this. I am not interested in finding another guy... like so many posts on here say in order to have a healthy happy relationship later on you need to heal and take the time to get over the previous one. So i am in no rush, we were engaged and have a child together, will take a while to get over that and be emotionally ready for a new relationship. Unlike him he jumped straight from me to this older woman, so thats unhealthy. he hasnt taken any time to process the end of our relationship and get over it. but thats his issue and he will soon realise it. I am hurting a lot for my child, i do not understand why he is doing this to her? I have been nothing but nice to be honest, i have yelled at him, sworn, cried... nothing at all. all of my contact has been regarding our child. In 3 months he has asked once to see her. and then I have been offering him which i have stopped. He says he wants to be in her life.... so why isnt he trying to be? I just dont get it... and things he says regarding it is just dellusional. I just want this sorted for my daughters sake but i just dont know what else to do!
PinkElephants Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 I didn't have a child with my ex but I did experience a lot of the other things you describe. The big thing is that you have to give up trying to control him. You keep saying you want an explanation, you want him to contact his daughter, you want him to give his family a go, you want him to try harder, you want an explanation for his behavior, you want him to give you closure, you want, you want, you want but you have to stop. It really is freeing when you stop trying to get him to realize what you think he's missing and focus on yourself. Along with that, I get that you care about him and you want him to process things and give up drugs and go back to you but it's just not your responsibility to force him to behave the way you want. It's hard, I know, because it seems simple to you but you can't make him be what you want. If I were you, I'd let him be and move on without the answers you want. In the end, would the answers help? Probably anything you hear will be unsatisfying because none of it will justify abandoning your daughter. If that's the case then the search can end because you know none of it is good enough. Chances are, he will try to come back when he gets tired and needs a cushy place to fall. Chances also are that he'll do the exact same thing again because if you put up with it once you'll put up with it again. I chucked my ex-addict, he didn't leave, but he did try to come back multiple times. I never took him back but watched to see if he was capable of change and if it was worth another shot. Instead, I saw him sink to lows I didn't even know were possible and did exactly what I suggested you do. I cut him off 100% and stopped worrying about him. It simply wasn't my responsibility to make a grown man keep a job or tell the truth and life got so much better once he was gone. He still tries to contact me every now and then but my life no longer includes him. You seem to be on a merry-go-round of asking for advice and not listening to it while holding out hope that he'll come back and make things perfect which I assume is due to immaturity. You want things sorted and that rests squarely with you. He owes you nothing, he's giving you nothing and you're giving up all of your dignity. Instead of worrying about how far he's going to sink and how he's processing the end of your relationship, start asking how much farther you're going to sink and how long you'll keep clinging to someone who doesn't respect you.
Author ally2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 I didn't have a child with my ex but I did experience a lot of the other things you describe. The big thing is that you have to give up trying to control him. You keep saying you want an explanation, you want him to contact his daughter, you want him to give his family a go, you want him to try harder, you want an explanation for his behavior, you want him to give you closure, you want, you want, you want but you have to stop. It really is freeing when you stop trying to get him to realize what you think he's missing and focus on yourself. Basically all I want is for him to be an adult lol I have ups and downs.. i will go well for days of feeling free etc... but its not just me and him in this... we have a child. So i know that he is in my life for life and its when my stress and doubting myseld with everything and worrying about the fact that he can barge back into my childs life legally when he wants to... i hate not knowing what is next. Along with that, I get that you care about him and you want him to process things and give up drugs and go back to you but it's just not your responsibility to force him to behave the way you want. It's hard, I know, because it seems simple to you but you can't make him be what you want. yes i care for him... but my love is turning to pity. Again there are ups and downs. I honestly do not want us to be together... he has done too much damage to me and my child. I just want this resolved and him to basically give a s*** but he seems to be too caught up in himself and doing what he wants. If I were you, I'd let him be and move on without the answers you want. In the end, would the answers help? Probably anything you hear will be unsatisfying because none of it will justify abandoning your daughter. If that's the case then the search can end because you know none of it is good enough. this is true. There is no excuse for leaving her behind at all. Its just hurtful not knowing the reason why and she is little so i feel the hurt for her... its heartbreaking! We dont deserve any of this. Chances are, he will try to come back when he gets tired and needs a cushy place to fall. Chances also are that he'll do the exact same thing again because if you put up with it once you'll put up with it again. I chucked my ex-addict, he didn't leave, but he did try to come back multiple times. I never took him back but watched to see if he was capable of change and if it was worth another shot. Instead, I saw him sink to lows I didn't even know were possible and did exactly what I suggested you do. I cut him off 100% and stopped worrying about him. It simply wasn't my responsibility to make a grown man keep a job or tell the truth and life got so much better once he was gone. He still tries to contact me every now and then but my life no longer includes him. He needs help.. and when things start to unravel for him i wont be a fall back. I have my boundaries set IF he does attempt a return to my life or my childs. He needs to help himself before anyone else can help him. You seem to be on a merry-go-round of asking for advice and not listening to it while holding out hope that he'll come back and make things perfect which I assume is due to immaturity. You want things sorted and that rests squarely with you. He owes you nothing, he's giving you nothing and you're giving up all of your dignity. Instead of worrying about how far he's going to sink and how he's processing the end of your relationship, start asking how much farther you're going to sink and how long you'll keep clinging to someone who doesn't respect you. As i said i have ups and downs and i do take the advice frik this forum... i just have moments of weakness and i struggle and thats why i ask over and over on here..i just really dont know what to do next... im planning a life for me and my chikd and things are going good but i always have that thought thst at any time he can barge back in legally and turn everything up side down. As well as trying to process everything for myself... ive been told just stick to no contact with him until he makes contact about our child?
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