Month 7, The Revelations & Reflections

[AaronSG]

First off let me apologize for being absent for a good chunk of time from this web site. I needed a long term break away from certain situations, people, and technology as to try and once in for all, "get my head screwed on right"! But I'm tip toeing back into technology, so I should be here more regularly now.

 

Next, back on March-3rd I hit the 7 month mark, 7 months ago from that date my relationship with my ex-fiancé unfortunately ended, trust me, it wasn't by my design, but it ended all the same!

 

In the time that has followed, I have had but no choice to start on walking the path towards recovery from this event, and try my best to draw from it the valued lessons that I needed to learn about the breakup, why it happened, what my part was in it, what her part was in it and contemplate and ready myself for a future without her.

 

As time has gone by, from day one, to now little over 7 months, I have learned some painful lessons, lessons that unveiled themselves to me via my active participation in several local support groups, one being a 12 step Codependency group, where very quickly I was being exposed to many people who have suffered the same fate as me.

 

With the help from the group as a whole, and some help independently from it's members I had been shown fairly quickly that I had a very big hand in the demise of my prior relationship. I was shown, very painfully, how I was wearing some pretty thick rose colored glasses, and I was wearing some pretty thick blinders on the sides as well.

 

At first I was reluctant to learn, but I gradually gave in and listened to these people who were trying their best to help me understand it all. I was shown that on my very first night at my ex-fiance's home in Ohio, back in May of 2013, the biggest "red flag" was flown and I did nothing to stop the situation. I did nothing but go along with it....all because I was "so in love". The first night after landing at their local airport we got home, it's late, people are tired, it's time for bed. Due to my up raising, my training in the arts of professionalism, I respectfully requested a blanket and pillow, as I told them out of respect to the family, and not wanting to give any indication that I only flew 2000 miles for a mire "booty call", I was willing to make up my bed on the downstairs sofa. I was told by her Father that would not be acceptable. Then I offered to sleep on their downstairs living room recliner, again, not acceptable. I then out of slight frustration offered to sleep on the living room floor, again, not acceptable. I then proceeded to inquire with my fiancé's Father what would be acceptable? He told me in very short order....."Son, get your butt up those stairs and sleep with your Wife"!

 

"Wife".......?.........we're not married yet......?....."wife"......okay.......so this is how it's going to be.....okay!

 

Pretty damn thick rose colored glasses were being worn that night, huge "red flag" and I did nothing to stop it! This is just one example of lessons I have been shown and learned as towards my part in the down fall of the relationship. It all was innocent ignoring of the red flags at first, but I had no clue at the time how much everything that I was ignoring would play into the down fall.

 

But as time has gone on, I have become more accepting that I simply got myself into something that wasn't properly vented, properly investigated and I went to fast in trying to get into the relationship in the first place......."doomed from the start" is what I have been told, and now have come to accept.

 

But you know, the other night I took a very long night time walk, about 3-4 miles of a walk. I started thinking! Aaron, there's approx. over 6 billion people on this planet. We are all just grains or sand on the beach of life. But one day your exposed to one of these grains of sand, acquaintances at first, then there might be the spark of friendship and over time you fall in love with this one person out of the 6 billion people on the planet. They come into your life and you get turned all upside down, everything is okay, all is justified, all is forgiven, all is accepted.....because after all.....it's okay my life is upside down, after all, it's all for love. Then this grain of sand is with you, everyday, every night, you learn about it, it's all exciting, fresh, raw, cutting edge, wonderful.....ect. ect. ect.

 

But at some point, either by fault of your own, or the fault of the other there's a change! And at some point this little grain of sand leaves you and is content with laying back down on the beach of life, and resume her role in life. It's just floors me how this one person, this grain of sand can touch you, move you, fill you full of love and wonderment, convince you that their in it for life with you. And after their gone, how this little grain of sand can almost destroy you, turn your world upside down again, but this time in a negative way, make you feel anger, rage, disappointment, grief, doubts, worry, crying with hurtful emotions and sometimes making one feel suicidal....ect. ect. ect.

 

Enough time has gone by for me that now a days, yeah, sometimes I give her some thought or thoughts, but it's not chronic obsessive as it was. I very rarely "name drop" anymore, or "situation" drop anymore. It's almost become a mute topic with my close friends and family. I'm here to tell anyone currently who's "in it" that it does get better. I'm very lucky and fortunate to have the people I have in my life, who have helped open my mind up, share their thoughts and feelings with me and let me decide as what to do with the information. Lucky for me I'm finally at a point in all this where I'm open minded to the parts I played, my faults, holding myself accountable and responsible for the negative parts I played in all of this.

 

But the most important part, I'm finally at a place where I am learning from all of this. Knowing what best to do for myself the next time I entertain getting myself into another relationship.

 

I only wish my ex-fiancé the best of luck with her life now, she made a choice, regardless of the outside influences that she was under, she still made a choice to leave. And as time has gone by, I've come to learn to accept the choice and even have some low level respect for the choice made.

 

I've learned the hard way......"the sick can't save the sick"! I tried to play the savior/messiah and I crashed and burned for it. Because after all, I was just as sick as she was, I just didn't know it!

 

I have to be honest, this road to recovery I'm on isn't any cake walk. I still have my moments of anger, guilt, thoughts of her and how she's doing, the shame, the embarrassments and so forth. I'm okay now with it just being me here! I'm generally okay with waking up alone in the mornings and falling asleep alone at night. I'm generally okay with going out in public again, even thought when I see other couples in love at say a grocery store, holding hands and dripping with love, sometimes it stings. But I just try to remind myself that my ex-fiancé won't be the last time I feel drippy about a person again......there will be another!

 

I hope everyone out there is doing as best they can, regardless of what stage of a breakup your at, I just hope everyone is doing okay, or at least doing the best you can. And know, in time, if in time if not we get better, we at least in time can acquire an understanding of some if not all.

 

"Hang in there".........."And thank you for your time"!

[darkbloom]

Thank you for your story. I am so happy to hear that you are doing better. I am almost three months NC and I feel a lot better than I first did after the breakup. I still struggle some days but there are more good days than bad.

 

How did you let go of the hope of them coming back? I don't even want him back at this point. But somewhere deep in my mind I am having a hard time accepting that he won't be back. That hope is really hindering my recovery. I am trying to let it go.

[AaronSG]

How did you let go of the hope of them coming back?

 

I'll be totally honest and up front with you, yeah, it's now little over 7 months later and I'm doing my best to learn, cope and move forward in life, I've been doing fairly well. But the whole "hope of them ever coming back" thing? To be honest, even little over 7 months there's still a little part of my heart and my mind that kind of hopes she'll someday regret her choice, to know in her heart she made the wrong choice and perhaps try to contact me some how!

 

That question you ask if very hard to answer, most might say "good bye and good riddance" and hope the departing person never returns. But I can't be that type of person, even through everything there's still a tiny part of me that holds out some hope!

 

Trust me when I say that I'm not putting my life on hold and waiting by the phone all day to see if she calls. Nope, I'm not going to stop living! I have me recovery to think about, I have my friends and family to think about and I have my own place and two cats to think about, putting my life on hold and holding out for her to contact me, never to say to want to come back to me would be foolish and very anti constructive.

 

It's hard at times, the whole "hope" thing! But as time as gone by, I've become more content just living in my own skin now, calling my place my very own, doing things in life alone. Not to say that i don't miss the special companionship parts of my prior relationship, the sudden lack of companionship part was a real killer.

 

I'm just trying my best to live, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to try my best to have learned from the experience.

[Jonp219]

I'll be totally honest and up front with you, yeah, it's now little over 7 months later and I'm doing my best to learn, cope and move forward in life, I've been doing fairly well. But the whole "hope of them ever coming back" thing? To be honest, even little over 7 months there's still a little part of my heart and my mind that kind of hopes she'll someday regret her choice, to know in her heart she made the wrong choice and perhaps try to contact me some how!

 

That question you ask if very hard to answer, most might say "good bye and good riddance" and hope the departing person never returns. But I can't be that type of person, even through everything there's still a tiny part of me that holds out some hope!

 

Trust me when I say that I'm not putting my life on hold and waiting by the phone all day to see if she calls. Nope, I'm not going to stop living! I have me recovery to think about, I have my friends and family to think about and I have my own place and two cats to think about, putting my life on hold and holding out for her to contact me, never to say to want to come back to me would be foolish and very anti constructive.

 

It's hard at times, the whole "hope" thing! But as time as gone by, I've become more content just living in my own skin now, calling my place my very own, doing things in life alone. Not to say that i don't miss the special companionship parts of my prior relationship, the sudden lack of companionship part was a real killer.

 

I'm just trying my best to live, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to try my best to have learned from the experience.

 

Wow, I'm so happy you said that.

 

I'm only a month deep into the "single life", and I just have so much hope that me and her will get back together someday. Even though I try so hard to tell myself, "Nope, she lied to you, those are all breadcrumbs she's leaving blah blah". I still hope that we can give it one more shot. Sometimes false hope can help push you forward, the feelings one may have for his/her ex can still be felt for someone else.

[darkbloom]

I think the hardest part is losing someone who really knows me. He could take one look at me and know what was wrong. I miss his parents a lot too. I was pretty close with them and their dog. I'm still slightly traumatized that I may never see their dog again. It loved me. (I am a sucker for animals. Gah)

 

He was also able to calm down my anxiety. One of the few things that worked. I know that it was probably unhealthy to rely on him but just knowing that I could call him and he would be there was immensely helpful. The anxiety is pretty bad some days. Other days it is tolerable. I don't want to go on medication for something that was mostly at bay when we were together. Which is dysfunctional. I know. The whole relationship was.

 

I know him well and I feel like he will come back. I am trying to live my best life for myself in the meantime. Doing things I want to do and really focusing on myself. That little piece of hope kills me though. It's like taunting me.

[Twigyy]

I think the hardest part is losing someone who really knows me. He could take one look at me and know what was wrong. I miss his parents a lot too. I was pretty close with them and their dog. I'm still slightly traumatized that I may never see their dog again. It loved me. (I am a sucker for animals. Gah)

 

He was also able to calm down my anxiety. One of the few things that worked. I know that it was probably unhealthy to rely on him but just knowing that I could call him and he would be there was immensely helpful. The anxiety is pretty bad some days. Other days it is tolerable. I don't want to go on medication for something that was mostly at bay when we were together. Which is dysfunctional. I know. The whole relationship was.

 

I know him well and I feel like he will come back. I am trying to live my best life for myself in the meantime. Doing things I want to do and really focusing on myself. That little piece of hope kills me though. It's like taunting me.

 

I guess I'm in the same situation as you. My ex knows me very well, and I know her very well too, as if we lived together for 5 years in that 14 months, and it sucks for me too.. Stay strong lad. /pat

[na49]

It's nice to hear that you are feeling significantly better. It gives me motivation that life can get better for me, even if it feels like I'll be trying to get over this forever. I think I can live with the fact that I'll always want her to come back. I don't have much of a choice. I'm a little over a month post breakup, and still hope that she will reach out to me every day. Every day I have ended up disappointed.

[AaronSG]

I'm a little over a month post breakup, and still hope that she will reach out to me every day. Every day I have ended up disappointed.

 

Oh man, I know right where your coming from, the holding onto some hope that she'll one day reach out to you! And when it doesn't happen it brings heart ache and pain upon you! Your not alone my friend, your not alone, I'm just as guilty of the whole "hope" things as you are. I'd say that within months number 1 and 2 and 3 and perhaps the beginning stages of month number 4 I held onto such hope, the whole she'll reach out to me thing, I did it!

 

But for me, say somewhere within month number 4 and proceeding to where I'm at now, most of the "hope" things has gone away. It just takes some time, your one month in after your breakup and everything for you is still raw, fresh, edgy, highly emotional, little unstable, your a little off balance. This will all get handled in time! Somewhere within month number 4 I just started to realize that the chance she had to reach out to me, make contact and perhaps maybe try to work on things or just simply come back to me was a pipe dream. If she hadn't by that time done so, I had to buck up and realize that she never will reach out, and that for intents and purposes everything was "over" including the hope!

 

Now, sure, I still have like a dust sized inkling that maybe one day she'll realize, regret, decide and contact! But I'm not holding out for it! Now I'm just doing my best to gain knowledge from what has happened, know my place and know the parts I played and try to learn from my mistakes and move on with life.

 

na49 I promise, if you continue to try and move forward from all of what you've gone through, I promise that it does eventually get more easy to deal with. Stay busy with constructive things like hanging out with friends and family, going to the gym and taking out your frustrations on a heavy punching bag, treating yourself proper and right, read some self help books, journal, if you don't already have one perhaps get a small baby kitten or cat or dog to help keep you company, go for walks, try to eat right, maybe look into some local support groups and go to one, keep posting here on Loveshack ect. ect. ect

 

Stay away from the triggers! Anything or any place that reminds you of times gone by with her, stay away! If you guys liked a certain park, stay away! If you guy's liked a certain restaurant, stay away! If you guy's liked a certain movie theater....stay away! If tuning in the FM dial on your home stereo be careful to stay away from "her music"! Because I'll be totally honest, even into month number 7 the whole music thing can still rock my world. If I'm exposed to my ex-fiancé's country music to long I start to mentally break down, my mind starts the flood of memories thing, and I get tight chested and panic! So when it comes to music either stay away from it all together or only listen to "your stuff" or perhaps tune into a whole new style, something you both never listened to and see where that takes you.

 

Social media, Facebook, Google+, Twitter ect. ect. ect. if friends on those mediums...."remove" and "block" or better yet, as I did, delete the darn things! If she's still in your contacts on your phone....."remove" and try to "forget"!

 

Simply put..........."no contact" is your friend!

 

I apologize for the apparent rambling on here about the "do's" and "don't" but in a small way everything mentioned can feed into the whole premise of the "hope" thing! I only said all this because for me I had to learn the "hard way", I tried keeping her as Facebook friend for a while, it totally feed into the "hope she'll reach out" thing! I kept her number in my phone for months on the hopes she'd reach out. I kept her e-mail address that feed into my hopes that she'd eventually try to reach out. But as time went on, and there was no reaching out, the things like social media, the e-mail address, the phone number, the photo's, the video clips, everything I held onto only hurt me that much more!

 

Good luck!

[irresolute]

And I was thinking about you today...

I remember when you wrote you deactivated your facebook account and I got mad at you and told you that it wasn't necessary to make so drastic decisions.

 

Well, I deactivated my account and many others today. It's hard, but I'm taking a time for myself. No more social media for a while (except, of course, loveshak!)

 

Do please give up on hope.try to find someone else. An ex back is never s good choice.

[Jonp219]

I think you're always going to have hope no matter what you tell yourself. You're going to have hope until you find someone new.

[ballycastle]

I think you're always going to have hope no matter what you tell yourself. You're going to have hope until you find someone new.

 

After going to a party in November when I was surrounded by couples I deactivate my Fakebook account. Now I don't have their 'happiness' thrown in my face.

 

 

Time however doesn't get any easler for me. It just reminds me of all the mistakes I have made in my relationships and that it is too late for me to recognise or trust what anyone says to me.

[Itspointless]

Aaron I am really happy for you that you have come this far in seven months. You can be really proud of yourself, it took me longer.

[smellysocksuni]

What a lovely post, Aaron.

 

I, too, am stuck in the 'hoping they'll reach out' phase. It does make the days longer, because you sort of feel like you're waiting for something that won't happen. It's horrible, and I think if it wasn't for that I'd probably be OK. I do my best to stay busy, look after my cat, spend time with my family and talk to my friends on the phone - I'm also chasing up a voluntary position at my local dog's home... despite all of this I miss her but I also really dislike her. Anyway - thank you for your post, Aaron. It gives hope to a lot of us.