plissken Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) I met a girl on a blind date setup by my parent's friend. We met, first date was OK. It was a bit awkward, but I was interested in getting to know her more. So, I ask her out on a second date (2 weeks later because she had dead week + finals week. I initiated all texting during this time. Like once every 2-3 days.). Second date, she seems cold and distant. Rarely smiled, barely asked any questions - none of which were about me, crossed arms, seemed like she wanted to leave. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but at end of second date I ask her if she'd like to go on a hike next week. She said she would have to check her schedule since she's starting school. Ok, I said. Two days later I ask her if she would like to go to a sporting event. Same excuse. She'll check her schedule once it starts in three days. Ok, I said. One week passes with intermittent texts I initiate. School has started. No response. I go hiking without her. Now today, I call her up. Ask her if she's interested in going to the soccer game that's coming up on Saturday. She says no, she can't. She's too busy with school. On a Saturday? For 2.5 hours max (is 7 pm too late)? I would understand if it's finals week, but the second week of school? Ok, by now she's turned me down 3 times. That plus the distant demeanor on the second date makes me think she's just not interested, but is too nice to say no. I get the feeling she wants to end this silently. So I ask her in a polite tone (because I really don't care if she's not interested. Just want her to be honest so we can move on.), "I get the feeling you're not interested in meeting anymore. If you don't want to it's okay. I just get the feeling you have a hard time saying no. Is that how you feel?" My intentions were to ask her how she feels, hope for an honest answer, and if she said "yes, I'm not interested," say thank you and move on. She said, "No, it's not that at all, I'm just really busy." I said, "Ok. Another time I guess. I'll leave you to your homework." I honestly don't know what to believe. I was just asking for a little time on the weekend. She left a status message on a messaging app we use: "extremely pretentious." Look, I don't have alot of dating experience. I'm 28, and this is the second girl I've been on a date with, ever. Never been in a relationship. I'm not going to say that my actions were right, because I know I'm not perfect, but I'm just confused why she would do something passive aggressive like posting that status message. In humility, I ask, what did I do wrong, if anything? I'm trying to understand her perspective and how she might have perceived what I said to her. 1. Was it wrong for me to ask her if she was disinterested? 2. Was she pissed that I explicitly said that I got the feeling she has a hard time saying no? In retrospect, I guess that would imply she is a coward. 3. Was what I said pretentious? Please help. Confused. ---- Edit: 1. I guess if she was really busy, I done f***ed up now. 2. FWIW, she is Korean, I am Korean-American. There were cultural/language barriers. Edited March 10, 2015 by plissken additional information. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 She's just embarrassed that you didn't take the hint and continued to contact her repeatedly despite little encouragement from her. I would pay it no attention and just forget her. I think we can conclude she's lacking in maturity based purely on the child-like display during the date. A grown up would have made the best of it, thanked you for your time and wished you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I dont think it was pretentious......it was an honest opinion and a forthright question.......answering with extremely pretentious on an app to me...is pretentious in itself.she coudl have explained why she felt the way she did ...she chose not to ...expecting you to know and read her mind i guess...that is pretentious......i would just move on find someone who appreciates you and the effort you make......dont reply to her......and i wish you well....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Dude she's not interested. Some women just aren't straightforward like that. Move on. P.s. Yes it was pretentious Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 The problem is, you don't understand women. She turned you down three times. If you come up with a complete date plan, at least a time and day (you can figure out what to do later if you want, or it can be a surprise), anything other than "yes" or a counteroffer means she's not interested. They can't say "no" to you, they don't know what your attitude is, you might try to reject her back and rip her head off. You have to look past your own feelings and go with your gut/intuition. And with intuition, you go by the way they act and what they do, not what they say. Talk is cheap but actions scream. Link to post Share on other sites
DoesntGetIt Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 For future dating, if they aren't acting interested on a date, aren't initiating texts/conversations, and say they're busy when you go to make plans, just move on. If for some reason it turns out they really were busy/dealing with something, they will reach out to you. But 99% of the time, they aren't interested and aren't comfortable being that blunt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plissken Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 So, the right thing to do is to just let it fade. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Dude she's not interested. Some women just aren't straightforward like that. Move on. P.s. Yes it was pretentious Ahh, but she "was" straightforward. When he asked her out the third time, she flat out said "NO." So not getting why the OP thinks she's too afraid to say no. She said no! OP, don't know if what you said was pretentious... but it "was" completely unnecessary. It should have been clear during your second date she wasn't interested.... and you should have moved on after that. But don't let your experience with this one chick get you down. Keep going. You will no doubt make mistakes (we all have) but that's how you learn and grow... You'll be a pro at this in no time. And even though this one didn't work out, I admire your perseverance! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author plissken Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Ahh, but she "was" straightforward. When he asked her out the third time, she flat out said "NO." So not getting why the OP thinks she's too afraid to say no. She said no! OP, don't know if what you said was pretentious... but it "was" completely unnecessary. It should have been clear during your second date she wasn't interested.... and you should have moved on after that. But don't let your experience with this one chick get you down. Keep going. You will no doubt make mistakes (we all have) but that's how you learn and grow... You'll be a pro at this in no time. And even though this one didn't work out, I admire your perseverance! Yes, you're right. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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