vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I have a situation that I would like to get opinions on because not only this situation, in all issues with my husband, he does no wrong. Here goes... About a week ago, I tried logging into our bank account and got locked out because of too many attempts. Since my husband is the primary on the account he had to be the one to call the bank and have it unlocked. I dreaded telling him because I know how he acts whenever I make a mistake. After making me feel like crap, everything was unlocked and ok. Last night, while he was sleeping. I tried to set up mobile banking on my phone. Since I was trying to set it up from my phone, the system wanted proof of who was trying to log in so it asked me a couple questions, one being "what city did you get married?" I answered with the city we were married but after trying a few times, I was locked out. I tried calling the bank hoping that I could get past hubby having to be the one to unlock it but it didn't work. I decided I was not gonna tell him today because I wasn't in the mood. He found out anyway because he tried logging in to our account. He yelled "Did you get looked out again?" What are you doing??? I just smiled and tried to explain and told him that I was sure that I put in the correct info and I got locked out. I told him the system asked me what city did we get married....... he told me, It was blah blah blah!!! which was not the city we got married in. So I told him, well that's the reason I was locked out because you put the wrong city in. He told me I should have asked him and I told him, I didn't think I needed to ask because I assumed you would answer the question truefuly. We were going back and forth and things got really heated over this small NOTHING! He took no responsibility and made me feel like I'm just an idiot. I need some opinions because I can't be the only one who thinks, that adleast he could have said, well yes, I made a mistake on the city it's ok. He was very upset and things were really blown out of proportion. Should he have told ME that he put a fake city down or should I have known better???? I would have really appreciated if he would have just said, that's ok baby!
MissBee Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 How long have you been married? Your husband sounds like my dad, who to be honest, I've no idea why my mom married him because he's someone who can NEVER own up to doing wrong and tends to belittle others or over emphasize their mistakes while downplaying his. It's an awful quality, Your husband sounds the same. I know it's not as simple as: divorce him! But, if you are married to a man who you have to hide simple things from because he blows up and then makes you feel like an idiot, well, it's going to be an ongoing problem and something he needs to fix about himself and the way he interacts and there is no easy solution to it. Yes everyone disagrees, but it is a matter of how. I've never had a boyfriend who would make me feel like an idiot for things like that and certainly wouldn't marry a guy if he did that. Also, in terms of the banking issue, do you have your own bank account? Maybe you should get your own so you don't have to go through him being he primary person and having passwords and answers that you don't know and have to then depend on him for. 5
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 You guys have issues. Finances are tough to talk about but you should both be very open about it. We have periodic "meetings" where we exchange paper statements & make sure everybody knows all the accounts #s & passwords. Without that level of transparency, there could be bigger problems if something happened to one of you. The fact that you posted that he acts badly when you "make a mistake." The pressure you must be under . . . whew. I can't imagine. Your spouse needs to be your biggest cheerleader not the person who makes you feel awful. 6
Author vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Not at all, unless you call putting up with all his "small mistakes" with me forgiving them and him doing the same thing then maybe so. Maybe he's frustrated that I forgive him too much. Not to say I'm perfect but I have put up with a whole lot. He seems to think that just because he's not a cheater then I should just shut up and not have a voice.
Author vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 How long have you been married? Your husband sounds like my dad, who to be honest, I've no idea why my mom married him because he's someone who can NEVER own up to doing wrong and tends to belittle others or over emphasize their mistakes while downplaying his. It's an awful quality, Your husband sounds the same. I know it's not as simple as: divorce him! But, if you are married to a man who you have to hide simple things from because he blows up and then makes you feel like an idiot, well, it's going to be an ongoing problem and something he needs to fix about himself and the way he interacts and there is no easy solution to it. Yes everyone disagrees, but it is a matter of how. I've never had a boyfriend who would make me feel like an idiot for things like that and certainly wouldn't marry a guy if he did that. Also, in terms of the banking issue, do you have your own bank account? Maybe you should get your own so you don't have to go through him being he primary person and having passwords and answers that you don't know and have to then depend on him for. I had my own account but I closed it and we just got an account together. I agree with you 100%. I keep telling him that we need counseling. He agrees but we can't afford it right now. I'm new to this site so I hope I'm replying correctly.
Author vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Not at all, unless you call putting up with all his "small mistakes" with me forgiving them and him doing the same thing then maybe so. Maybe he's frustrated that I forgive him too much. Not to say I'm perfect but I have put up with a whole lot. He seems to think that just because he's not a cheater then I should just shut up and not have a voice. I'm new to this site, sorry about the mishaps!
SoleMate Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Wow, so because of a trivial glitch (hardly your "mistake") he treats his beloved wife worse than a pound puppy who piddled on the rug???? I do think you should get your own account so you don't have to be beholden for access to someone who treats you so unkindly. I would have really appreciated if he would have just said, that's ok baby! Ability and willingness to do that is important in a marriage. 2
Author vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 No, he really got the city we married with the city we got our marriage license mixed up.
Author vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 We were high school sweethearts. Been married 27 years.
MissBee Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I had my own account but I closed it and we just got an account together. I agree with you 100%. I keep telling him that we need counseling. He agrees but we can't afford it right now. I'm new to this site so I hope I'm replying correctly. Yes, counseling seems the way to go as these aren't just one off circumstantial things but are ingrained patterns.
Gloria25 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 We were high school sweethearts. Been married 27 years. If you've been married for 27 years, then I guess by now you know who he is. I just wonder why "now" this is an issue if you've put up with it for so long? Relationships are give and take. No one is 100% what you want them to be. We decide what we'll be willing to tolerate (excluding abuse, affairs, addictions) cuz of the other "qualities" the person has. Again, why is this an issue now 27 years into these types of situations with him?
Author vaughn40 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 If you've been married for 27 years, then I guess by now you know who he is. I just wonder why "now" this is an issue if you've put up with it for so long? Relationships are give and take. No one is 100% what you want them to be. We decide what we'll be willing to tolerate (excluding abuse, affairs, addictions) cuz of the other "qualities" the person has. Again, why is this an issue now 27 years into these types of situations with him? He haven't been like this for 27 years. I would say the last 5 years.
Dybbuk Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I agree with others. Seek counseling, figure out why there has been a change in the last 5 years. It sounds like you're walking on egg shells. You can't even own up to a little mistake because he blows up and gets angry. It's a freaking password. If he doesn't want to deal with resetting it, all he had to say after the first lock out was "Baby, I prefer not having to call the bank to reset our PW each time you try to access the account. If you don't remember it after the first try, just ask me and I'll give it to you." :/ Is it always small things like this that set him off? 1
spiderowl Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Are you sure you made a mistake the first time? He seems reluctant to help you out here and give you access to the account. He is getting cross because you do not know his memorable words. Is he making it difficult for you to access the account? Why is he the account holder? It should be a shared account or you automatically have lower status on the account. If you had had a shared account, this wouldn't have happened. 1
Got it Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 If he doesn't want to be upset then he should be proactive with the information and email you the passwords, etc. That is what my husband and I have done so that way we can refer back to it. (I get frustrated because I have emailed, texted, etc. to my husband on my one account but he will keep asking me instead of referring to the previous communication). But he doesn't have the right to beat you up about it. That is not constructive or fair. Sorry but counseling would be a must. He is being a big bully.
Frank2thepoint Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 because not only this situation, in all issues with my husband, he does no wrong I dreaded telling him because I know how he acts whenever I make a mistake. He took no responsibility and made me feel like I'm just an idiot. He haven't been like this for 27 years. I would say the last 5 years. Just divorce him. Seriously. Being made to feel like an idiot, having to walk on egg shells with your own spouse, and enduring this bad behavior for 5 years is a serious problem. That's longer than a single presidency. Wars can be fought, nations crumble, and new hysteria (such as terrorism) can grip a world within 5 years, and you're allowing your husband's disrespectful behavior to continue. Maybe counseling might help a little. Maybe. Divorce will help you the best. 2
Pauduro Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Sounds like you are both under some stress and need something new and exciting in your lives. You say he's not a cheater so that's good. How about you planning a hot night out? Get out of town, doesn't have to be far, and surprise him...shock him! Buy a new hot dress, heels and a wig, transform yourself... looks and attitude. Attitude, confidence is the key, take control. If you're a brunet be a blonde for the night! You can say friends invited you both out to dinner for him to meet you there, when he gets there tell him it's just the both of you and that he's going to love what you have planned for the rest of the night. Choose a restaurant with a bar, wait for him sitting at the bar looking hot! Have some wine get nice and loose at dinner. After dinner plan something else perhaps... a club or tell him to take you to a strip bar, that it's his night to enjoy. Of course you planned ahead and got a room... hand him your panties when you're ready to leave! On the way there give him a little excitement in the car before getting to the hotel. Have fun
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Stories like this make me really appreciate that I am single. If living together/being married is like this, pffff, not interested. This said if this has been going on for the last 5 years and you are married for 27 I presume your husband is now around in his fifties? Apparently some guys get a dip in their testosterone at that age and become really grumpy. Google "irritable man syndrome". The problem will of course be how to make a righteous guy like your husband admit that he is not his normal self and see a doctor. Good luck. If my husband would treat me like that, I would give him hell. In any case, I would never want a commun account with my husband. As I always say: I want to risk that my heart gets broken, but not my bank account.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Sounds like you are both under some stress and need something new and exciting in your lives. You say he's not a cheater so that's good. How about you planning a hot night out? So the guy is being an ********* and she should reward him for that?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 The guy is obviously frustrated and likely unhappy with the relationship...you can't just assume his behavior is just linked to a bad attitude or abusive without taking into consideration the history of the relationship or what she's done in it, instead of assuming it is just the guy with a problem and he's automatically the jerk because she said so. They may just be highly incompatible, he may just be a jerk, but to assume she is just a victim at this point is a huge mistake. This is how so many women black and white things in relationships. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 The guy is obviously frustrated and likely unhappy with the relationship...you can't just assume his behavior is just linked to a bad attitude or abusive without taking into consideration the history of the relationship or what she's done in it, instead of assuming it is just the guy with a problem and he's automatically the jerk because she said so. They may just be highly incompatible, he may just be a jerk, but to assume she is just a victim at this point is a huge mistake. This is how so many women black and white things in relationships. Either the guy is just a jerk, or vaughn40 is not giving us the full details to what caused her husband to change his behavior toward her 5 years ago because it takes two to tango. As you mentioned in the boldfaced, divorce is the only viable option, because counseling may not help, and definitely will not make everything turn peachy.
Pauduro Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) So the guy is being an ********* and she should reward him for that? Everyone has their own opinion. Some can afford to have pink in the limo, most can't, almost everyone would want to have pink in the limo! Edited March 14, 2015 by Pauduro
Author vaughn40 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Either the guy is just a jerk, or vaughn40 is not giving us the full details to what caused her husband to change his behavior toward her 5 years ago because it takes two to tango. As you mentioned in the boldfaced, divorce is the only viable option, because counseling may not help, and definitely will not make everything turn peachy. I take pride in saying that I'm a good wife. I have asked him often what can I do to make him happier with me. He says things like, to what I tell you to do, answer the phone when I call...things like that.
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