Author sunshine2 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) If he really has gout, that can be godawful. Feels like a knife being stabbed into the joint. FWIW. But it does sound as if he's only mildly interested. Great... geez I guess I just blew this whole thing up. These women are brutal. I shouldn't of ask him anything and just been patient. He told me a half truth, cause I put him on the spot. I texted not called, easy out in my mind, but live and learn I guess. Just won't reach out to him again. I give up.. Edited March 11, 2015 by sunshine2
SELdeMER Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Aw no, I don't think you screwed up. I think it good that you reached out to say how you feel and ask if he is interested. He could have said "no thanks" and should have if he really wasn't interested, whether or not he lied only time can tell. I would look at it that he is being honest, and didn't plan another date after all that because maybe he doesn't know when he will be well enough to go on a date. Maybe he will get back to you in the future, maybe not. Don't wait around though. I think you asking was a good thing. I think there are a lot of really traditional minded people who think that women should sit on their hands and wait for the man to initiate everything otherwise you look desperate or need etc....I don't think it comes across like that though, desperate/needy is texting/calling constantly...this is one text after a few days of silence on his part...totally justified that you contacted him..there is something to be said for being bold and making your interest known and asking if it is reciprocated...how else are you going to get what you want? And if you didn't ask it would probably gnaw away at you--wondering why he stopped contacting... So anyway, good on ya! if you reaching out to clarify made him change his mind about you...I dunno...that would make him a tool in my mind...seriously. I think it (you reaching out) would only be a turn-off if he was lukewarm anyway, or one of those uber-traditional dudes that likes the thrill of the chase. I'm in my thirties (so maybe this doesn't apply to older generations) but most of the guys I meet appreciate when a woman initiates contact between dates and initiates a date or two here and there once you have had a few dates already.... I went out with a forty-something guy for awhile that really really appreciated my boldness in planning dates and making my interest known...he always said that it was refreshing and wished more women would do it. Edited March 11, 2015 by SELdeMER
Buddhist Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 The dating world is such a minefield. You know, men may become scarce someday. Have some flexibility and compassion. I don't think that's too big a worry to be honest. I live in a gay community, so straight men are scarce. But it doesn't seem to bother many women.
Author sunshine2 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Aw no, I don't think you screwed up. I think it good that you reached out to say how you feel and ask if he is interested. He could have said "no thanks" and should have if he really wasn't interested, whether or not he lied only time can tell. I would look at it that he is being honest, and didn't plan another date after all that because maybe he doesn't know when he will be well enough to go on a date. Maybe he will get back to you in the future, maybe not. Don't wait around though. I think you asking was a good thing. I think there are a lot of really traditional minded people who think that women should sit on their hands and wait for the man to initiate everything otherwise you look desperate or need etc....I don't think it comes across like that though, desperate/needy is texting/calling constantly...this is one text after a few days of silence on his part...totally justified that you contacted him..there is something to be said for being bold and making your interest known and asking if it is reciprocated...how else are you going to get what you want? And if you didn't ask it would probably gnaw away at you--wondering why he stopped contacting... So anyway, good on ya! if you reaching out to clarify made him change his mind about you...I dunno...that would make him a tool in my mind...seriously. I think it (you reaching out) would only be a turn-off if he was lukewarm anyway, or one of those uber-traditional dudes that likes the thrill of the chase. I'm in my thirties (so maybe this doesn't apply to older generations) but most of the guys I meet appreciate when a woman initiates contact between dates and initiates a date or two here and there once you have had a few dates already.... I went out with a forty-something guy for awhile that really really appreciated my boldness in planning dates and making my interest known...he always said that it was refreshing and wished more women would do it. Thank you! Yes, I have to say that some women are very traditional and its not like I boulder through and do this daily with him and push push push. One time I ask and its the WRONG thing to do. Let that guy pursue you, stay back, sit quietly and don't speak up. LOL I had an appointment with my therapist today and she thought I did well. I was not needy in my communication and that saying that I didn't want to waste his or my time was a good thing to say. She knows all about me and my background and my dates so she is more informed. So of course though we all agree that I should let him make the next move. And if I don't hear from him, it really is okay. I am dating another man who is stepping it up right now. I have not had to worry about what he is thinking, or doing and its really refreshing. The chemistry is not as apparent yet, but I'm willing to see where this might go. He is very good at communicating with me, contacts me daily and has a lot in common with me. It will all be okay
SELdeMER Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Yes, I have to say that some women are very traditional and its not like I boulder through and do this daily with him and push push push. One time I ask and its the WRONG thing to do. Let that guy pursue you, stay back, sit quietly and don't speak up. LOL Yes, I have to say that some women are very traditional and its not like I boulder through and do this daily with him and push push push. One time I ask and its the WRONG thing to do. Let that guy pursue you, stay back, sit quietly and don't speak up. LOL You were not being pushy or chasing or whatever....I dunno why people think that. You had three dates with someone you were starting to like, then he went silent....so yeah, it's totally ok to ask what's up. I think in these situations that are not really all that black and white, if you fail to speak up, you may lose out on someone because of mixed signals/crossed wires. If you dig someone, and you want some clarification as to their feelings and if they are into you, then you owe it to yourself to seek that clarity, regardless of your gender. I know in the past I have missed out on a few guys precisely because I played the traditional girl role and didn't do anything. Those guys didn't think I was interested enough and gave up. I learned my lesson. 1
Author sunshine2 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) I have had men on both forums tell me that you should ask a guy out after a few dates and you should also reach out some times too. That guys will think you are not interested if you never contact them. I was dating a guy who was really tough, was a recovering addict, and was certainly not needy or meek at all. I would let him text me first all the time. About two months in he texted me this: I've been waiting all day for you to text me. I said Really? I was kind of shocked that he said that. He said Ya, I always have to initiate. So I said, you are right and Im sorry. And I started to initiate here and there after that. So, I really didn't feel he was saying that to be needy, he was stating a fact and I thought it was awesome! They are still bashing me over there, but I know I didn't do anything wrong and will just let it be. Im so glad you posted. I feel much better. You were not being pushy or chasing or whatever....I dunno why people think that. You had three dates with someone you were starting to like, then he went silent....so yeah, it's totally ok to ask what's up. I think in these situations that are not really all that black and white, if you fail to speak up, you may lose out on someone because of mixed signals/crossed wires. If you dig someone, and you want some clarification as to their feelings and if they are into you, then you owe it to yourself to seek that clarity, regardless of your gender. I know in the past I have missed out on a few guys precisely because I played the traditional girl role and didn't do anything. Those guys didn't think I was interested enough and gave up. I learned my lesson. Edited March 12, 2015 by sunshine2
SELdeMER Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Some people subscribe to really rigid gender roles when it comes to dating. It's kinda nuts actually. People are people, men need reassurance too. Yeah I like to ask out a guy on the third or fourth date. I asked out the guy I wrote about earlier in the thread for the third date, and if he ever contacts me again (letting him reach out this time after I initiated contact twice in a row) I will ask him out again for the fifth date. Edited March 12, 2015 by SELdeMER 1
fred123 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 surely if he liked you and had gout or was busy with work he would text you to inform you and want you to know about his life and his issues/business? surely no? if i was ill for a few days i would still text girl i really liked to tell her i was ill etc. i would want to still keep in contact and explain to them or just at least let them know wats goin on in my life.
Author sunshine2 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 surely if he liked you and had gout or was busy with work he would text you to inform you and want you to know about his life and his issues/business? surely no? if i was ill for a few days i would still text girl i really liked to tell her i was ill etc. i would want to still keep in contact and explain to them or just at least let them know wats goin on in my life. Maybe. People are different and handle pain different too. I have pretty much decided that I'm moving on. Once I have to wonder about what's happening and getting anxious it's not a good sign. I don't want another stressful relationship.
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