Vintage79 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I've been dating a few people from online, and I'm wondering when do people typically stop checkjng their online dating profile and when do you stop dating others? Does this happen after 2-3 dates, after a month, after 2-3 months, after sex, after kissing, or what? I realize that the answers for when you shut down your profile and when you stop seeing others are likely different so feel free to comment on either (or both). Basically, I'm trying to figure out what expectations typically are, so as to help minimize the potential hurt and unnecessary drama for me or for who I'm dating online.
Leigh 87 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 If you hold out for someone who knocks your socks off - you stop looking straight away. It doesn't mean you want a relationship with them, but you simply lose interest in others naturally, if you meet someone you are really into. Or else - it takes most couples who meet online a few dates before they decide that they like a person enough to continue dating them and only them. Personally - when I find men that I have the spark with and it seems to be mutual - we stop dating others right away. Current guy - we lost all interest in others from day one. We aren't rushing into anything and we don't see each other every day or anything ridiculous, but we were smitten. We have no need to "figure out" if we may like someone else better. We have already had amply experience lol. That is another thing - I have personally had enough dating experience to know when someone special comes along - and then I explore that potential. There is no need to date several candidates at once, because I have simply dated around enough as it stands for me to lose interest in other men, when what I am looking for comes along. Typical answer - go on a few dates - see if you mesh well. Figure out if you are into them or not.That is what everyone else on here will tell you and you know what, it worked for them so 1
mammasita Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 It's when you talk about it with the other person. Dont make assumptions. 1
johan Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 For me, I would shoy it down when I decided I found someone I liked. As long as I was involved with someone who I expected to continue seeing, then I didn't really have time to deal with others. I don't recall even checkjng it very often.
Author Vintage79 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) I guess some details on my situation: One of the people I've been dating, I've seen about 8-9 times over the past ~5-6 weeks and have done the usual deeds at that point, and excluding this week (because I'm out of town), we saw each other 3 times/week for the past 2 weeks, and ~once per week before then. The other girl I've seen her 4 times over the past ~month...we've made out a bit, but haven't had sex yet. Yeah - that's been a busy schedule the past 2 weeks. Basically, things seem to be going well, but I still occasionally check my profile and do a quick browse, but I haven't messaged anyone for a while (initiated or responded). I think both are likely similar, although I can't say for certain, but I say that as they do occasionally show up when I browse in searches, but not all the time - meaning that they're logging in on occasion, but not every day. I haven't checked their profiles to see their log-in dates - it doesn't really matter to me, but all that I know is that I occasionally see them in my search results. This is where I'm torn, they're obviously still both looking a bit (but so am I, so I can't criticize them for that), but I kind of feel like I should cut one of the 2 loose, as I think I'd likely be happier dating just one (I haven't historically been a fan of dating multiple people). That said, I'm not sure if this is too early for that conversation, the right time, or too late. Do I just talk to them about this, wait for things to happen naturally, or what? Edited March 10, 2015 by Vintage79
sunshine2 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I have the same issue and Im not sure what the answer is. Im dating two men, one is brand new, just one date but will be going on a second date soon. The other just had my third date last night in two weeks, so its about 1-2 dates a week so far. I don't go on the site much at all cause 2 is enough for me right now but I also know that neither one of these are serious enough to stop looking. I like one more then the other too. I just don't know he feels about me, its almost too soon to get into that at this point. And who knows, I might not hear from the one I like the most because after the 3rd date last night there was no plan or mention of a 4th date. I am multiple dating because my therapist wants me too. LOL I have never dated more then one man at a time and it feels weird to me. Anyhow, Im interested to see what others say.
Pinkdisney Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I've been off OLD for close to 3 years but when I met my current BF in 2012, we had gone out on maybe 5-6 dates when I had made up in my mind I wanted to pursue him only. I had gone out with another man, a very nice man, 2-3 times but I let him know I was interested in seeing my now BF only and didn't want to multi-date. BF and I took our profiles down soon after and became exclusive. 1
Gary S Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I guess when you two are joined at the hips and you don't want to pay money to renew because you are too busy with your true love, you can shut down your profile. Another thing... I think multi-dating/circular dating might be obsolete now... with internet dating, if you have any skill, you can put up a profile and start getting dates within a week?
Author Vintage79 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 I've been off OLD for close to 3 years but when I met my current BF in 2012, we had gone out on maybe 5-6 dates when I had made up in my mind I wanted to pursue him only. I had gone out with another man, a very nice man, 2-3 times but I let him know I was interested in seeing my now BF only and didn't want to multi-date. BF and I took our profiles down soon after and became exclusive. Pinkdisney, how'd you go about having that conversation? Were there any challenges in the conversation or did it go smoothly?
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I think 8-9 times over 6 weeks is plenty for you to know if you want to date her exclusively. I personally would not invest much more time in someone if he were not interested at making it exclusive at that level. You just talk to her, tell her you have been enjoying getting to know her a great deal and would like to date her exclusively and how she feels about that? Nothing more, nothing less. If she says yes she wants the same thing then you cut your other prospects out and delete your profile. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I don't think there is a "typical" when it comes to this. When I met my husband, he was on Match. I was no longer doing OLD. (I did make a fake Match profile just to see his) After about a month, I asked the where are we Q. He said we were exclusive & he volunteered that he had taken his profile down. I used my fake one to confirm it was gone & we never looked backed. With OLD you do have to talk about it. Never assume the other person is off OLD. Discuss it & verify. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Whenever you have the discussion and both agree you want to take your profiles down. Never assume they've taken their profile down unless they explicitly tell you they have. Usually once you start to talk about exclusivity. Generally a few/a few weeks in for me. When a guy I'm dating is going to turn into a relationship, it generally happens within a couple weeks of first going out. 1
Author Vintage79 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 So with OLD you need to discuss it? I guess, as it's pretty easy to meet people. Anyhow, grrr - that's tricky, as it hasn't really been all that long with either of the girls. Regardless, it sounds like people seem to think that having the, "where is this going" conversation at the 1 month mark is fine. I looked a bit online, and most websites kind of describe it at the 3 month mark. Would it potentially cause damage to any potential relationship if I waited, or should I just get it out in the open sooner than later and see where the cards fall? As mentioned, I've been dating 2 girls, one for about a month and the other for about 1.5 months...
Auspecial Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I guess some details on my situation: One of the people I've been dating, I've seen about 8-9 times over the past ~5-6 weeks and have done the usual deeds at that point, and excluding this week (because I'm out of town), we saw each other 3 times/week for the past 2 weeks, and ~once per week before then. The other girl I've seen her 4 times over the past ~month...we've made out a bit, but haven't had sex yet. Yeah - that's been a busy schedule the past 2 weeks. Basically, things seem to be going well, but I still occasionally check my profile and do a quick browse, but I haven't messaged anyone for a while (initiated or responded). I think both are likely similar, although I can't say for certain, but I say that as they do occasionally show up when I browse in searches, but not all the time - meaning that they're logging in on occasion, but not every day. I haven't checked their profiles to see their log-in dates - it doesn't really matter to me, but all that I know is that I occasionally see them in my search results. This is where I'm torn, they're obviously still both looking a bit (but so am I, so I can't criticize them for that), but I kind of feel like I should cut one of the 2 loose, as I think I'd likely be happier dating just one (I haven't historically been a fan of dating multiple people). That said, I'm not sure if this is too early for that conversation, the right time, or too late. Do I just talk to them about this, wait for things to happen naturally, or what? I wouldn't "wait for things to happen naturally." Way too many miscommunications can happen. I don't think a conversation is ever too early. Just be sure it is very light and not with expectation. Consider this conversation to be about simple data mining. Personally I am exhausted with OLD and have a policy against it. But back when I quasi-liked it, I always felt it was important to be up-front and clear because other people can easily make assumptions. I had a few ltr's that I met from OLD (back when it actually worked, sometimes) and I specifically asked them after we were exclusive if they would take it down, and that I had. Both of them had already taken theirs down.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 There's no real calendar for this stuff. Since you are currently dating two women you are in no position to have this conversation with either of them. You have it after you have only been seeing one of them for some period of time.
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 There's no real calendar for this stuff. Since you are currently dating two women you are in no position to have this conversation with either of them. You have it after you have only been seeing one of them for some period of time. I don't see why he needs to be seeing only one of them to ask for exclusivity. He made his choice on one of the ladies so he ask for exclusivity. Nothing more to it. OP: Asking for exclusivity is not the same as 'where is this going'. Asking for exclusivity is simply agreeing that from then you will only date each other to better get to know one another. After you've been seeing each other exclusively for a while then you can ask 'where is this going'.
Author Vintage79 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 I don't see why he needs to be seeing only one of them to ask for exclusivity. He made his choice on one of the ladies so he ask for exclusivity. Nothing more to it. OP: Asking for exclusivity is not the same as 'where is this going'. Asking for exclusivity is simply agreeing that from then you will only date each other to better get to know one another. After you've been seeing each other exclusively for a while then you can ask 'where is this going'. Ok - so what exactly then is the purpose of the, "where is this going" conversation? So I should simply chat about exclusivity at this point - if that's what I want? A bit confused - as I kind of thought they were the same thing. On a slightly different note, is it weird to have a conversation about exclusivity if you think she's dating another guy as well? I have no idea if either are dating anyone else - so that question is more hypothetical.
sunshine2 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Ok - so what exactly then is the purpose of the, "where is this going" conversation? So I should simply chat about exclusivity at this point - if that's what I want? A bit confused - as I kind of thought they were the same thing. On a slightly different note, is it weird to have a conversation about exclusivity if you think she's dating another guy as well? I have no idea if either are dating anyone else - so that question is more hypothetical. So if you think they are dating others, you might want to ask that first. Are you dating anyone else? And see what they say. If yes or no, you can ask about exclusivity. Gee, I would love the guy I like to ask me that
mysteryscape Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I am multiple dating because my therapist wants me too. LOL I have never dated more then one man at a time and it feels weird to me. Anyhow, Im interested to see what others say. Maybe you should listen to yourself and not your therapist! 1
mysteryscape Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Another thing... I think multi-dating/circular dating might be obsolete now... with internet dating, if you have any skill, you can put up a profile and start getting dates within a week? You have a point, but I think that multi-dating has gotten bigger and is being promoted precisely because of online dating. The websites make their money by having people constantly looking and otherwise stirring things up. There's a whole army of "experts" who make their living saying this is the way it should be. Remember, it's all a business.
mysteryscape Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Ok - so what exactly then is the purpose of the, "where is this going" conversation? So I should simply chat about exclusivity at this point - if that's what I want? A bit confused - as I kind of thought they were the same thing. On a slightly different note, is it weird to have a conversation about exclusivity if you think she's dating another guy as well? I have no idea if either are dating anyone else - so that question is more hypothetical. It obviously bothers you, so I would make it a point to talk about it with each of them. Personally, I wouldn't "multidate" without making sure that everyone had said what the score is early on.
Pinkdisney Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Pinkdisney, how'd you go about having that conversation? Were there any challenges in the conversation or did it go smoothly? I have to be honest, it was not an easy discussion - I took down my profile first, after around the 7th date or so, him a few weeks after - we spoke about making plans to see a concert that was "in the future" and everything sort of then fell into place.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 So with OLD you need to discuss it? I guess, as it's pretty easy to meet people. Anyhow, grrr - that's tricky, as it hasn't really been all that long with either of the girls. Regardless, it sounds like people seem to think that having the, "where is this going" conversation at the 1 month mark is fine. I looked a bit online, and most websites kind of describe it at the 3 month mark. Would it potentially cause damage to any potential relationship if I waited, or should I just get it out in the open sooner than later and see where the cards fall? As mentioned, I've been dating 2 girls, one for about a month and the other for about 1.5 months... I would even think 1 month is waiting a bit, I wouldn't want to spend four weeks, which could be 8 or 12 dates, wasting time and money on someone who at the end turns out to be only looking for 'fun' and not a relationship. I would generally hope it comes up within a couple weeks, not 'shall we start a relationship' but 'so are you seeing anybody else?' and find out their thoughts on dating exclusively while you work out whether you want to take it any further. I tend to find when I meet someone I'm really into I lose all desire to date around and keep meeting new guys for first dates anyway. But I wouldn't stop multi-dating unless we'd agreed on exclusivity. If you are into one another it usually comes up naturally pretty fast.
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