Attracted to a coworker

[rayj83]

I've been working with a co-worker for about 2 years now. We're both about the same age (both single). Initially I tried to pursue her without knowing her too well and in the context of a "date" (i.e.: I asked her to go out for drinks) but she made it pretty clear she wasn't interested in that at the time. And the times anything about dating a co-worker came up, she made it clear she didn't want to date someone from work. I was in a couple of relationships, and when I was single again last fall, tried to kind of pursue her a bit more, but nothing in the way of actually asking her out (more just spending a lot of time with her and hanging out and at times beating around the bush and seeing if she would be interested in going out with someone from work which she said she would not do). So I kind of gave up on pursuing her, and just sort of played it cool. Lately (past few months or so) we've been hanging out a lot more, texting a lot. We are both single and dating, and both seem to be looking for the same thing and seem to have it in each other. It has always seemed to be just as friends, but in the past few weeks I've felt her interest level really rising and I can't tell if that's her just liking me as a friend or wanting something more. A few weekends ago she invited me over (just me) to her place to watch a movie after we both had no plans in the evening and decided to hang out (I never thought she would invite me over - my idea was just to go somewhere in public). Anyways when I was over there we watched a movie but she turned off the lights and wasn't afraid to get close to me (i.e.: sat right next to me, rested her head on my shoulder at times). I couldn't help but feeling pretty uncomfortable because on the one hand I've got impulses to make a move and kiss her but on the other know her stance on dating someone from work and would hate to make a move and be rejected again! She knows I like her (because I've pretty obviously tried to pursue her romantically before and I've told friends of ours that we work with and I'm sure it's gotten back to her), and to invite me over to watch a movie alone knowing this, would be a huge tease haha.

 

I guess I'm at a point where I'm definitely interested in her and have no hesitation in making a move, but I'm so unsure of whether she is just enjoying being with me as a friend (which she's made pretty clear) or if she is signalling she would be interested in something more. The experience of being around her at her place that night kind of felt different to me than she's behaved around me before, and her general increase in the frequency of texting/wanting to be around me makes me question where she's coming from.

 

I know getting involved with coworkers can get messy but we do work in a pretty large office and she's in a different building all together.

 

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to handle this? I have some hesitations about pursuing more than a friendship with her, but would totally do it because I like her that much. My worry is I just don't know how she feels, and if I make a move, and she doesn't reciprocate, I feel like I will have been trying and getting shot down again (just like I have been over the course of the past 2 years I've been chasing her!). But I also worry about not taking charge/making a move and her thinking I'm not interested as a result. Any suggestions?

Edited March 10, 2015 by rayj83

[Buddhist]

First of all, you've not been getting shot down as you put it. She hasn't intentionally been trying to bring you low out of some sort of spite. She's just been stating that she likes her job and doesn't want any complications with it.

 

Now, yeah that movie moment is confusing and I can see where you're seeing an opening here. She knows you're attracted to her because of your previous attempts to date her, so if she isn't interested I think that's not a nice move to be honest. It's a pretty blatant lets snuggle moment.

 

It's tricky but I also don't believe you should be left hanging here. If I were you I'd go out for lunch together or coffee while on a break and just tell her you're confused about her intentions. Something like....

 

Hey I get why you don't want to date a coworker and I'm cool with that. But lately I've been getting the impression that somethings building here. What are your thoughts?

 

Etc....

[Hopeful30]

I say ask her out. Even if she rejects you, she will know its her fault for leading you on, and most likely after that she will be mindful of how she is around you because it may lead you on again.

 

Asking her out would be the only way to know. I see no harm as she declined before and wouldnt care much to do it again.

[BeholdtheMan]

Any suggestions?

 

Yes...you should've done this last time, but next time when you have the chance in a similar situation (if there is a next time)

 

MAKE A MOVE

 

She's sending you obvious signals. Her signals are different from her old signals. People change their minds...but I doubt she's going declare it directly. She's communicating with you more subtly.

 

If she reciprocates. Great. You're in mate!

 

If she rejects you. Politely excuse yourself from the situation and let her know that while you truly appreciate her friendship, you're also very attracted to her. Consequently, you probably can't handle being "just a close friend".

 

The truth is...if she rejects you in this sort of situation, she's being a huge tease and probably only enjoys the ego boost from having you eat out of her hand. If that's the case, you want to avoid her and really...you've lost nothing

[Gary S]

She rejected you several times before... I doubt that she's really interested, she's just using you for attention or playing with you.

 

Some of you guys are way too easy. If she rejects you, give her nothing.

[rayj83]

Thanks for the advice guys. Seems like there's a difference of opinion. I was contemplating making a move that night but also remembered those times I did ask her out more directly and she clearly wanted to just be friends. So I was really confused about the whole thing because it did start to feel different. I guess the only way to know for sure is to just ask again or make a move but I'd hate to be rejected again. Maybe she's not rejecting me but definitely the idea of going out with someone from work. Either way it will be kind of embarrassing especially since we work together.

 

Is it possible she's doing this all in the interest of being better friends and with no romantic interest at all? Before I make a move again I really want to be sure there is romantic interest from her so I don't have to experience the embarrassment of trying to date someone I work with again haha. I've got my ego too and don't want to keep asking if it's always just going to be a big fat no.

[CalvinM]

You should've kissed her, you pansy.

[rayj83]

Half of me felt like I should have but I was holding back because she clearly seems to have set boundaries with me. It's the first time she's been open about being in that kind of situation with me. Again, I have no problem making a move the next time I see her/get her alone but I'm just afraid to not because I'm scared, but because I worry about the repercussions of working around someone where I kept coming on strong and made her really uncomfortable. Going in for a kiss could be exactly what she wants, or could be the LAST thing she wants. How am I supposed to know? This is a tricky situation for me! Usually it's a no-brainer and I know from the situation (ie: being over to watch a movie) making a move is way easier.

[kendahke]

She's giving you mixed signals and you need to get clear really fast on what her policy is now about being romantically involved with co workers. I wouldn't have gone to her house unless I was clear with her on that policy.

 

It's time for her to state her intentions and you need to quit letting her yank you around.

 

This is why you should never isht where you eat.

[rayj83]

Thanks for the responses. It seems like there is a bit of a divide here. I would appreciate anybody else's input. We have been pretty friendly lately although she isn't coming on that strongly really (i.e.: not suggesting to meet up again). Just more friendly banter.

[MGX]

You should've kissed her, you pansy.

 

And get the taste slapped out of your mouth...

 

She doesn't date co-workers. She's a friend. She just feels comfortable with rayj83.

 

ray, try and ask her out. I'll bet that she'll confirm that she's just a friend.

Edited March 12, 2015 by MGX

[rayj83]

Thanks MGX. I have not directly asked her out before but like I wrote, have come very close to it and certainly alluded to it many times, and she has consistently reiterated she doesn't want to go out with someone at work. So asking her out just seems like I'd be swinging and missing again. I really appreciate all of your advice. Maybe just the more opinions I get the better because there doesn't seem to be a uniform approach. I certainly want to respect her wishes and save my pride a bit and not push it again, but also don't want to live with regrets about "what if" and if this really is a chance to go after her, I want to at least try.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

It sounds like she let you down easy at first, but after you grew close and watched the movie together and she was resting her body against you, you should have pulled her closer and eventually made a move.

 

You should ask her out and see what happens, especially if you like her.

[rayj83]

Hey all - just by way of an update, we still text a lot but the conversation again came up about dating other people at work (she initiated it from some kind of unrelated joke I made) and she very clearly stated she thinks dating coworkers is just a bad idea. I was sort of curious what exactly she found to be so bad about it (I mean there are reasons I know, but I was just trying to see if she was amenable to it at all perhaps by setting ground rules or something) and she just said it was pretty obvious what the reasons were. So she is kind of reiterating what she told me before, and probably sending a signal that says "stay away!"

 

At this point, while I have never really asked her out directly, she's making it VERY clear (at least to me) that I'm better off not making any moves or trying to hang out with her again. I recognize her behaviour is sporadic and she's sending out mixed signals, and her actions suggest maybe she does indeed want me, but I guess I have to just respect her wishes ,listen to what she is saying and not pursue this anymore right? What other option do I really have? Either she really will refuse to date coworkers, or isn't interest in me (and is sort of using the work thing as an excuse). Either way, I guess I will just have to accept it and move on. I just don't understand why, given she knows I'm interested in her, but also won't date me, she would tease me and invite me over to watch a movie, initiate so many text conversations, etc...

 

This weekend ended on a sour note because I also found out another girl I was seeing didn't want to see me anymore. On to the next I guess? Grr this dating stuff is frustrating sometimes. It's really too bad because I really, really dig this girl (we've spent a lot of time together getting to know each other) and feel like we could have something really special if given the chance.

[Versacehottie]

my advice is previous to last update:

 

*just kiss her already!!!!!!

 

she is giving you mixed signals granted. however, i think she just wants you to take charge and overcome logical thinking. some of us are like that. stop with the talks. she is pretty much going to keep saying "coworkers shouldn't date". Sooooo play a little hard to get (yes guys can do this too). Take a step back after recent conversation. Don't let her have what she wants (i think the term is cuddle bitch). Guaranteed her interest level will go back up. She will try to manuver some more "friendly" outings just the two of you, claiming to miss the friendship--maybe even another movie at her place. Definitely make the move this time. She needs a love that supercedes rationality.

 

*sorry my spelling is atrocious today.

[Standard-Fare]

I think she knows you're into her and attracted to her, so that movie night was her playing around with that a little. She might have been willing to kiss you that night but that doesn't mean her interest is real or constant.

 

Maybe you missed your one and only window that night if you wanted to kiss her. Maybe another chance will come around again. Either way, she's the one in charge here and she isn't giving you any steady green lights.

 

It sounds like a frustrating scenario and you'd be wise to pull back on her. Don't be the platonic buddy who's always available to her and giving her attention.

[rayj83]

Standard-Fare, why would she be playing around with me? She for sure knows I'm into her. That would be kind of cruel! Definitely seriously mixed signals all around!!

[Versacehottie]

hmmmm, i think people show their own personality/nature in the way they show interest in others. Like maybe in your case, you are steady, true and responsible, much like your personality. In her case, her emotions jump all over the place, she seeks attention and is selfish (which sometimes comes off as cruel but selfish people don't think of it like that because it's just collateral damage to putting themselves first). So I think it's fair to say that some of the things you see now are not due to the situation but to her nature and if you were a couple, you will be seeing them again.

 

*i do agree it's cruel if she is not willing to "go there" with you that she be cuddling up during a movie at her place. Some might say people shouldn't do THAT with co-workers!!! I wouldn't unless I planned to break the co-worker rule. Thus again exposing a part of her personality. Her logic is flawed=emotional person, attention-seeking. Plenty of people fall in love with these sorts so it's fine, just know you will be in for more of the same.

[Standard-Fare]

Standard-Fare, why would she be playing around with me? She for sure knows I'm into her. That would be kind of cruel! Definitely seriously mixed signals all around!!

 

It's flattering to know someone has a crush on you. People like the attention of that. So she could be just playing around with the boundaries of that a little. Not necessarily in a manipulative way, more like testing things.

 

I actually think it's a good sign that she IS willing to play around a little, because that means she hasn't shut the door on you. If she weren't interested at all, she wouldn't let it get to that level.

 

However, if you're not enjoying this little cat-and-mouse game, I do think you should just pull back from her and see what happens. My guess is she'll get a little concerned if you aren't as readily available to her as you have been. It might force her to reassess her feelings for you.

 

Also, if another opportunity comes up to kiss her, TAKE IT.

[GemmaUK]

She has been really clear.

You are friends and colleagues only.

 

 

She won't date you.

[rayj83]

This is a tough one! But someone I really really like so I can't say I'll totally forgot about the potential. Although I will ease up and pull away. If we ever get into a situation again where we're watching a movie together or something, I would for sure make a move. If she does that again to me that would be a clearer signal. But until that comes, or she moves away from her "I don't date coworker" policy, not much I can do I guess.

[O'Malley]

As someone else said, I think she enjoys the attention you've been giving her, but that she doesn't have enough attraction towards you to want to pursue anything.

 

I think you can still chat with her at work, but socialize after hours with women who are clearly interested in dating you. No more flirting with her, no late night texts. Treat her like you would treat your guy pals. Ask her if she has any single friends that she could introduce you to; if she wants "friends only" she should be fine with you wanting to meet other women.

[Standard-Fare]

Agree with the above. In all situations, treat her like the platonic friend she's claiming to want to be. Don't show any romantic interest or give her any deference.

 

So you can talk to her about the dates you go on, the women you find attractive, or ask her about that cute friend of hers. (Of course, don't go overboard with that stuff or she'll see right through it.) But the point is, send her the clear signal of: "I'm not interested in pursuing you, and I'm exploring other options."

 

If she sends you any texts at night, don't respond immediately and sometimes just leave her hanging.

 

It sounds cold and calculated, but this strategy is also good for YOU in a "fake it til you make it" type way. Act the part until your emotions actually get you there.

[rayj83]

Thanks Standard-Fare - I think that's what I will do and I think that's really solid advice. The whole green-light/red-light system she has me on is just really confusing me and not worth my trouble!

[rayj83]

Ok so I know I posted about this months ago. Since that time we've still been very friendly with one another. There have been no more movie-at-home invitations lol or any indications from her that she wants to hang out outside of work really. She makes a point of always asking if I have friends to set her up with, how she really wants to meet someone, etc... I've played it really cool at times and not come on to her strongly at all - don't even initiate that much in terms of texting on weekends and such. A lot of times it's her just seeing what's up and how it's going but never to the point of being interested in physically being together or hanging out. That movie moment was kind of a rare occasion I guess.

 

I've been dating different people here and there for the past while, but still can't get her out of my mind! We just seem to have a lot of fun and great chemistry even if we're just texting and I just can't stop thinking about how great we would be together and how amazing it would feel to have her as a girlfriend or be dating her. I do like her that much.

 

Anyways, I'm really considering just finally making more of a bold move and just going for it and asking her out. I was in a situation years ago which was similar where I really liked a friend of mine, asked her our and got rejected and I remember feeling like ****. It was similar - the girl was really desperate to meet someone and really liked me as a friend and so when I was rejected I thought damn what's so wrong with me??

 

Should I just go for it? There's no real steady green light at all here, all signs seem to point to her just wanting to be friends with me, but I feel like if I don't try I may regret it the rest of my life. I also know if I strike out I'll feel like crap especially because my work colleagues will all get wind of this rejection too. I really wish this was more obvious and I knew where I stood.

Edited September 19, 2015 by rayj83