Pink_lilly Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 We're newly weds - 10 months in our married life but I'm worried that my mother in law might ruin our marriage if nothing is done! I'm hoping to get some useful opinions here as I'm not sure how to deal with our current situation. I had a very happy relationship with my fiancé until his dad passed away in an sad accident almost 3 years ago. Things have never been the same since. After his dad passing my now husband had to take over all the house chores at his mum's house including doing all her heavy shopping, taking her to her appointments etc. and help me look after our own family which hasn't been easy for anyone of us. Luckily my MIL is in perfect health and she can do everything for herself apart from the usual heavy duties around the house. She lives 45 miles away from us but doesn't drive. Initially we visited 3 times a week to make sure she was alright however with our busy lives working 5 days a week and having a young child to look after it was taking its toll on us so we decided to visit on weekends only. But again going down to visit each Saturday and Sunday meant that we could never get a day to ourselves never mind relax. It got to a point where I nearly had a brake down because I couldn't cope with the stress anymore. This was after 2 years of my husband's dad passing. At this point I had to put my foot down and speak out. I suggested that my MIL comes every other weekend to reduce our traveling time and allow us me to go out and and do things as a couple - she made it as if I've asked for the impossible to be done! She came up with all the excuses under the sun to reject the idea. Fair enough if she doesn't want to stay too long in our house but us having to do all the traveling wasn't helping either but she expected us to be there every single weekend because that was convenient for her. This reaction made me question how much she really cared about our happiness. She could clearly see how exhausted we all were but it didn't seem to bother her. After few months on argument around the subject she finally gave up and has now started stopping with us every other weekend. The thing that's scaring me now it's that when she's around she stirs things up and end up causing silly little arguments between me and my husband. I'm starting to feel pushed out in my own house when she's around but my husband doesn't see that. I understand he's stuck between me and his mum but how about our marriage? I appreciate that his mum needs our company but can't we carry on giving her what she wants forever? she won't go out and meet people my husband's tried registering her to all sorts of social clubs where she can meet people in the same situation as her but she's not interested. It's going to be 3 years soon since my FIL passed away and up till now she's not shown any signs of improvement. This probably sounds terrible but what if she ends up drawing us apart in the long run? We have been very happy together before this things changed but how can we get our lives back without anyone being upset. I don't think my MIL understands how far she should get involved in our marriage and that worries me. She comes on holiday with us, spends weekends with us - when we just need to curl up on the sofa she's right there. My husband is not saying a word about it. In his eyes he's getting his mum out the house so he's happy which to a certain degree is fine but I think it's getting too much. The last time I brought up the subject it ended in a heated argument. I know he misses his dad so I don't wanna put him under pressure but it's starting to get me. Is this how it works in a married life? Or am I being too harsh? I've spoken to my closest friends who have given me their opinion but I feel they are biased as they want the best for me. This is why I'm seeking a different opinion from an outsider. Any advice please?
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 This has to come from your husband, not you. About the only thing you can do is ask loaded Qs When you see her, ask how much time she & your late FIL spend with their respective parents when they were newlyweds. Do NOT say you want to spend less time with her. Just let her come to that conclusion on her own. Get your husband to encourage her to make friends or join a seniors group or travel. 1
mrs rubble Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 How about encouraging her to spend more time with your child? Taking him/her on outings, for walks etc. It'd be good for them both and would give you and your husband time alone together. 1
Mal78 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 How old is your MIL? I sympathize with her difficult situation loosing her husband and your husband loosing his dad however there has to be a resolution. You will have to put your foot down and draw a line. It's about respect and boundaries. Right now it's "a given". She is disrespecting both of you by expecting too much on a young married couple with a child. These are your formative years. This is where the foundation is built for the long haul. Right now, that foundation is crumbly at best. Your husband is disrespecting you by allowing this to continue. Personally, I would stop going to these visits. Perhaps you go once a month NOT every weekend. Be occupied, take a class... relax... garden... whatever but stop going. If your husband feels response for her (which he isn't) then he can go on his own. Make some clear boundaries with your husband. Let him know he is enabling her to take advantage of the fact he will continue to go there. She doesn't have to be social, get a life, meet friends.... why? Anti-social is not healthy and your H is enabling unhealthy behavior simply because "she is not interested". He married you. You are his wife, you are his life now. She is to support him in that not expect him to be there for her bidding. 2
Author Pink_lilly Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Thank you for your replies. Mal78 - I never thought about cutting my visits down- thank you for that advice. As you said it's about boundaries and she's crossing them. She's in her early 60s and perfectly capable of living her own life
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 When her husband died, her whole life turned upside down. After my mom died, DH & I did everything with my dad. I drove him to doctors appointments & did his grocery shopping. DH & I had dinner with him every Friday & every holiday. We took him on 3 vacations with us. On many levels I had it easy because DH & my dad were buddies so DH didn't feel like Dad was an imposition As much as you want more time with your husband, keep a little compassion for your MIL.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Does she have friends who can also help out? Is your husband her only child? Talk to your husband calmly and be honest, tell him how you feel and why, make some suggestions that have been given here.
MJJean Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Is there a chance the MIL could sell her home and move closer, but not too close? You'd be able to help her as she continues aging and navigating life without her husband and she wouldn't be underfoot when you need time with just your husband and child. Also, yes, she needs to be encouraged/pushed toward having her own life. She needs a peer group who understands where she is in life and who has things in common with her. She needs to have interests and hobbies outside of her home and remaining family.
Author Pink_lilly Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 When her husband died, her whole life turned upside down. As much as you want more time with your husband, keep a little compassion for your MIL. I've been there for both her and my husband for the past almost 3 years. I have kept a lot of compassion for her - trust me on that one! Together we do everything for her but it's getting to the point where our married life is the last thing to think about and I don't think that's healthy! We've suggested selling her house and moving near us but she doesn't want to - fair enough it's her home and I understand it's hard to abandon something you've had for a lifetime . She hasn't got any friends and doesn't wanna meet anyone. We've given her lot of infos about senior clubs/groups she can join she just looks at the leaflets and sweeps them under the carpet- it's not like we've not tried but she's not willing to make any changes. My husband's her only child. I understand how hard this is for him too but how long can we go on for? What will happen when gets older in few years times and needs us even more?
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I really do understand your frustration but your DH has to be the one to establish boundaries with your MIL. You need to tell him how much his failure to do so is corrupting your marriage. 1
MJJean Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 We've suggested selling her house and moving near us but she doesn't want to - fair enough it's her home and I understand it's hard to abandon something you've had for a lifetime . She hasn't got any friends and doesn't wanna meet anyone. We've given her lot of infos about senior clubs/groups she can join she just looks at the leaflets and sweeps them under the carpet- it's not like we've not tried but she's not willing to make any changes. My husband's her only child. I understand how hard this is for him too but how long can we go on for? What will happen when gets older in few years times and needs us even more? It's a matter of logistics. As she ages she will need more help and care. Unless senior services are amazing in your area chances are you and your husband will be that help. If she wants to remain independent as long as possible she will have to be closer to you. Especially in case of emergency. Not to mention it's best to move as soon as she can while she is still healthy enough mentally and physically to make decisions about what she keeps, what goes, and where she wants to live specifically. And, as part of reestablishing herself, she might go out and meet people. At least her neighbors. Someone. Anyone. If she truly has no friends and no social life the burden on you and your husband must be pretty heavy. If that house is where she's lived for many years maybe it's part of the problem. Staying there with all the memories and reminders of a life gone by might be keeping her from moving forward. Have you thought about getting her into therapy? Have you thought about tricking her into meeting new people and forming friendships? Maybe the senior clubs and activities sound like a barrel of suck to her because she doesn't want to be some old lady in social clubs. Maybe she would respond better to meeting folks her own age outside of a senior club setting. Say, maybe barbecues and other parties attended by your friends/family and their parents who are of similar age? Maybe take her to local events that are likely to be attended by seniors? 1
Author Pink_lilly Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Thank you all for the above comments, advice etc. it's given me something to work on
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