JustGrand Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I have a moral dilemma that is really just almost on the verge of changing. It's more of a question of Going into temptation and possibly having regrets or not following temptations and still might have regrets. It's going to require some explanation and I am going to try to explain it as best I can. So the guy I always have been just up until recently has always wanted to be in a relationship. I'm a nice guy, a gentleman, and am kind of shy and haven't really put myself out there (a lot people do keep reminding me of that). I suppose I have a confidence issue that even others say my confidence doesn't really match up with where it really should be at. I'm a 23 years old man and I've never even did so much as kiss a girl before and am a complete virgin as a guy. Being shy isn't the only reason that I am still a virgin though. There have been girls in the past that I could have easily lost it with in a relationship like friends with benefits with no strings attached (I hardly knew them and they were all very attractive and beautiful girls). I'm far to attaching and have better morals than a relationship like that or even for the type of girl that is. I've never really asked for much in my opinion when it came to a match. But what I truly wanted in a match has always been a virgin that matched me on my core values that I felt more strongly about (topics like gay marriage or some common conflict between people). Not just that...but a very romantic connection as well/chemistry . The reasoning in my head That I've wanted these....virginity because I've always liked the idea of two people who have equally clean history being each other's first, last, and only partner for life. That in my opinion is a really powerful connection to have with somebody off of a base. And of course the chemistry and seeking same beliefs part is somewhat self explanatory in regard to a perfect it and connection. There is a problem that I can never really bring into this kind of relationship mentally though. I could never bring it up ever based on what kind of girl I want to marry. I suppose I am stereotyping a little bit because I always think the girl I've always want to marry is an innocent, nice girl that would never do anything ever that has been naughty or unmoral. I will talk about the problem later after I talk about this thing that is possibly changing all of this. So....I've always had these very dominating fantasies and desires that fit into fetishes and sexual/kinky in nature (which do blame on my high libido in a way, my doctor said testosterone is the most abundant at my age or lower 20's). That and recently I've just been working out again and trying to get in a little better shape which is probably affecting that. Anyway, this area of my sexuality deals with all sorts of kinky fetish play. Such as female domination, domination, all sorts of potty fetishes, bondage, pretend rape and all sorts of things like that. I've been desiring things like this so bad lately that it's somewhat making my lose sight of what the original me wants. It's making me look past things such as keeping my virginity for the one I am going to marry (yes, I'm a Christian and I still believe in that). In the past, it's been extremely difficult to look past if she is a virgin or not. It always has been easy to talk about sexual subjects with girls that are virgin and extremely uncomfortable with those who weren't anymore. Now its like becoming as if I am losing sight of it really wanting to try this fetish life out. Before this change, the thing that kept it sort of dormant and locked up in the bottom of my mind is the thought that I could probably never find a girl that could satisfy those desires or girls that would want to. But after looking at websites like fetlife, my whole perception of women is kind of changing or at least on a good portion of them are changing (I've seen a few surveys say anywhere from 6 to 20 percent of the country are actively pursuing this lifestyle). My morals, my values, and a good portion of who I am or have been are coming into question, and is currently the only reason blocking me from diving into it. I could go in that community and have all those needs and wants met very easily, but the outcome might make me sick wondering if I just made a mistake and a regret for life. To the best of my knowledge and what I have seen so far, its full of people swinging around having lots of different experiences with lots of different people. Which aren't really the relationships I would want at all. I'm still the easily committed to a one woman kind of guy and would not feel comfortable swinging around like a lot of them do to filling their fantasies and dreams. So I am at a dilemma of what would be best for me. I could still continue being the old me that I am comfortable with, and possibly never explore those deep kinky fetishes that I would say is my deepest insecurity and in honesty would love to explore. That would keep me up at nights possibly thinking about exploring it for years to come. Unless by chance the girl I marry does have a kinky side and would satisfy that part of my desires (but the odds of that happening in my mind is somewhat rare of that happening). But then again that could be the bias/stereotype i mentioned earlier about an innocent, nice, and good girl most likely never having a dark side like that. Then it would all work out for me if one did though. Then there is the other side to where I explore my kinky side in a community like that. But I would risk losing a lot of what always has been kind of important to me. I even know in the long run that I would eventually get bored and would even want to get rid of this possibly new lifestyle and will settle down with somebody that will...who knows what I would be looking for then after that's over. Hmmm....What to do?
Buddhist Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 If I were you I would be re-examining your beliefs. Your dilemma isn't stemming from some moral issue but because your religious beliefs about sex are conflicting with your natural desires here. You've decided that your fantasies are a lack of morality and tied sex into that as well. The phenomenon is known as sexual repression and it's what causes 'good guys' to do hideous things like actually rape someone or worse. Please do not see a religious counsellor, see a secular one that doesn't have the same attitudes towards sex as your religion does. Your fetishes are nothing immoral or hideous, they are quite common and you need some perspective on that so you can stop battling the 'devil' within here. You may just find that once you can openly discuss it with someone non-judgmental about it that the desire subsides. If you continue to repress it then it will only grow stronger until you do something that you may regret. Dicussing something, working through internal states of confusion etc will not put either your morals or beliefs in danger. It will allow you to confront what's within in a healthy way and then make decisions that you are both comfortable with and proud of. 2
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Could you not say what you wanted in a profile? Explain that you were brought up with strong morals and still want to stick with that but would also like to be able to express yourself more freely with an equally moral woman who has a kinky side? You may get lots of extreme characters contacting you, but there is an outside chance you would find the girl you would like. The thing is, would you accept her or would you immediately consign her into the 'immoral' box? It sounds like you are really looking for a lot of security in a relationship with a woman who is happy to share your fetishes, so make it clear you want a monogamous relationship with someone compatible. Purity is vastly overrated: trust, honesty and compatibility are far more important.
Author JustGrand Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 What to do?.... Shorten your Novella I probably could have. I was sort of trying not to be vague or too unclear of what I meant. That and perhaps there might have been elements in there that I might have saw what could be relevant, but from another readers perspective I might have included too much unnecessary details. I will try my best to shorten the post next time I post something and look for unnecessary details that I could leave out. I admit that I did actually write a lot. Thanks for the tip.
Author JustGrand Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 If I were you I would be re-examining your beliefs. Your dilemma isn't stemming from some moral issue but because your religious beliefs about sex are conflicting with your natural desires here. You've decided that your fantasies are a lack of morality and tied sex into that as well. The phenomenon is known as sexual repression and it's what causes 'good guys' to do hideous things like actually rape someone or worse. Please do not see a religious counsellor, see a secular one that doesn't have the same attitudes towards sex as your religion does. Your fetishes are nothing immoral or hideous, they are quite common and you need some perspective on that so you can stop battling the 'devil' within here. You may just find that once you can openly discuss it with someone non-judgmental about it that the desire subsides. If you continue to repress it then it will only grow stronger until you do something that you may regret. Dicussing something, working through internal states of confusion etc will not put either your morals or beliefs in danger. It will allow you to confront what's within in a healthy way and then make decisions that you are both comfortable with and proud of. Thank you. I kind of already feel a heavy weight let go from inside of me and probably am going to take your advice to see a non religious counselor. Like you said. It won't hurt. You just might be right about my problem. I have never really been outside of same kind of religious community my whole life.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 You're a virgin with no actual experience in the things you think that you like. So you have no idea if you'll actually enjoy any of it. However, if these are things you want to experiment with, you need to go for a test drive with a few experienced women. You not only need to see if you actually enjoy the things you mentioned, but also so you don't have any regrets. Imagine if you're bottling all this stuff up, and then you get married to a nice, conservative, Christian virgin woman that only wants missionary love making. You'll end up getting bored and resenting her with regrets.
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Can i ask how much study has gone into these fetishes...what have you been watching or reading? Where did you find out about them and how long have you been researching? have you ever contemplated that the only type of woman who would entertain wild fantasies such as potty and pony is a very sexually expressive woman who has had probable multiple partners...or are you thinking you will find your christian grey counterpart who was a close to virgin......till you met her basically how long have you been an active christian are you still active.....deb
ebor Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 The problem here is that you have got the definition of a "good boy" and an "innocent girl" all wrong.Sexual desires and fetishes aren't wrong, buy are to be enjoyed in the right circumstances.. and they are natural but you are trying to awaken a desire that you ca'n't quench right now. And as another user you can find OLD sites that can narrow down your matches according to your wishes. Good luck and if you want more help don't hesitate to ask me.
Author JustGrand Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 You're a virgin with no actual experience in the things you think that you like. So you have no idea if you'll actually enjoy any of it. However, if these are things you want to experiment with, you need to go for a test drive with a few experienced women. You not only need to see if you actually enjoy the things you mentioned, but also so you don't have any regrets. Imagine if you're bottling all this stuff up, and then you get married to a nice, conservative, Christian virgin woman that only wants missionary love making. You'll end up getting bored and resenting her with regrets. Yeah..I've kind of came to that conclusion in my head that I would have to go to an experienced woman for those kinds of things and also that whole situation of bottling it up to that kind of woman. I can't say that I would get bored or resent it. I can't imagine me ever getting bored of a relationship. But the regret would would still be to never exploring that ever, at least once in a relationship or at all...and yeah...Some I know I will want to try and probably do and know some will probably be the first and last time I ever do it....and some are are borderline whether i would do it and also be ok not doing (like a scat fetish).
Author JustGrand Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Can i ask how much study has gone into these fetishes...what have you been watching or reading? Where did you find out about them and how long have you been researching? have you ever contemplated that the only type of woman who would entertain wild fantasies such as potty and pony is a very sexually expressive woman who has had probable multiple partners...or are you thinking you will find your christian grey counterpart who was a close to virgin......till you met her basically how long have you been an active christian are you still active.....deb Watching and reading?....a lot. probably since about 13 or 14. and I don't know if you're thinking I learned these attractions from all of that. I didn't...I'd say I had them even before that. When I was like 10 or 11 (some age around there. I don't remember specifically), and I have a dream of a hot girl made of poop and becoming intimate with her....One would know that is an internal calling to a scat fetish in the works. and to that middle paragraph...a little bit/ a lot of both. Sometimes I think its more of one or the other. and about my christian activity. Not as active as I use to be, but still am. But... christian school: K-12 and currently 5th year in college. I attend church every few weeks (it use to be weekly at some point) and my family is a big, strong, connected, and loving family that is made up of mostly Christians.
Erised Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) BDSM and related fetishes can be in a monogamous relationship. It often is. I wouldn't say most jump into it from virginity, however, especially if raised in a sexually repressive religion. But your attitude toward woman and sex expressed in he post need serious evaluation... Edited March 11, 2015 by Erised
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