kadmoore Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Help! Totally Confused about this Relationship! I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. We don't see each other very often because of our very different schedule and busy lives. I am a full-time student who is also doing fieldwork and he is working as an aircraft technician 5 days out of 10. I have the weekends off, but he is not always free when I am. Therefore, we only see each other once every week and a half or two weeks, sometimes it can be for a longer period of time. When we are together, we easily spend a good amount of time together such as full days. He talks to me about his life, family and friends and everything but nothing regarding us. With that said, I have no idea where things are going. Is it possible to develop a relationship with someone you can't see very often ? When we are together, we get along very well. We talk for hours, watch films and the sex is great. However, when we part, there is little or no contact such as phone calls or texts. He rarely initiates contact leaving me to make plans and contact him after a week or even more of no contact. However, when I do contact him, he readily responds. This really confuses me because I feel that if he was really interested he would make more of an effort to see me, or at least maintain contact. When he does text me it is very casual such as " How have you been this week" or "How are you" and nothing more. Last Friday, we had a wonderful time together, I felt like we bonded and have a good connection. When I left, he seemed sad to see me go and told me he would be free this weekend in a casual manner and never initiated any contact to make plans. I really don't get it. It is all very confusing to me. He always alludes to the possibility of seeing each other and never makes any moves to see me. Furthermore, we have never discussed anything about our dating relationship. Neither of us has asked if the other person was seeing other people, or how we felt about each other or allude to the idea or a serious relationship. I have no clue how he really feels about me and it is really starting to bother me. I am often tempted to end everything or cut contact until he finally contacts me first, but I am always afraid that if I do not contact him he probably won't contact me. I tried it once, and he went for nearly 2 weeks without contacting me. I don't get it. He has told me that he really likes me and enjoys the time we have together and alluded to the fact that once people with our type of connection open up to each other, they can have a really special deep bond. But he never ever mentioned anything serious or how he feels. I am starting to feel very frustrated because I really like him, but I am in the process of deciding if it is even worth it anymore and if I should be putting my energy elsewhere. Sometimes I feel like bluntly asking him " What is it that you want from me ?" or " Do you like me or not" or something along those lines. But I don't because I am afraid of scaring him away or probably what he might say. He is a really nice person, but he has not opened up to me at all about how he feels about me. He talks to me about his friends, family,goals, desires and all but nothing about us. He would talk about the key ingredients to a relationship, but never relate anything back to us. I am tired of itching my head trying to figure out what all this means. I need some insight please!! We talk a lot when we are together and mostly watch movies at his place. I find when we are together, we get along great and we are bonding that is why it hurts me when he does not contact me. I also wonder if I am thinking or expecting things to happen too soon. I question myself sometimes. I too fail to tell him how I feel and talk about us, but it's hard to do that when you feel like he is not that interested and sends mixed signals. I have gotten to know him, he is more on the reserved side. When we are together he struggles to initiate any physical contact and takes hours before making any sort of move. I try to figure him out since I am studying counselling. I say maybe he is afraid of commitment since his parents got a nasty divorce, or maybe he as a poor attachment since his parents were often away when he was little, maybe he has a hard time trusting people ect, but maybe it is all excuses to make myself feel better.... I often think, he is the one who asked me out the first time and started talking to me, so I don't understand why he can't do it now ? I am so confused. At this point, I am wondering if I was in denial about the situation all along. I am starting to think that he only sees me as a friend with benefits even though he never said anything about it. We have only been on 2 real dates and after we had sex, all we do is spend quality time at his place which includes talking, watching videos and movies together, laughing and more. I know it is not only about the sex because he spends hours with me and we usually only have sex at the end. And I find that if he really wanted the sex, he would want to see me more than once a week or once every 2 weeks. I might be wrong.. I don't know what to think anymore....* I appreciate any advice, wisdom or insight you have to offer.
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) What is your gut instinct telling you to do? It sounds a very frustrating situation and he is either a very passive guy or he is not bothered and letting you do all the relationship work. We are all different but I would not put up with it. I'd have walked out. By now you should have some idea of how he feels about you. He may be shy of course but it strikes me that he doesn't have to offer you anything because you do it all yourself. He doesn't have to draw you in by telling you how much he thinks of you or by persuading you to meet him. He doesn't have to make time for you more often. He can sit there and watch you run about trying to make it all happen! If you are going to change this dynamic, you may need to risk losing him. I would think walking out would be a make or break thing for him. He'll either just let you go, or he'll have a light-bulb moment and realise he's got to act. An alternative would be to back-track on the effort. Don't ring him. Don't plan anything. Act as if you've found something more interesting to do. In fact, doing something else instead would be a good idea. Because he will wait forever before he comes looking for you, I would seriously suggest you consider finding yourself a different boyfriend. Taking so long to be concerned about you is pretty damning. What does it matter what his issues are? He could at least show he cares. As an afterthought, if he does start doing some of the work to draw you back to him, I suspect that as soon as he thinks he's got you, he'll go back to this passive, 'can't be bothered' behaviour. Is that what you want for the rest of this relationship? Edited March 9, 2015 by spiderowl
sabd Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Talk to him. You won't find out what's going on otherwise. Yes, you may lose him but then he's not the one for you, is he?
Ruby65 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 He could be seeing other people. For some people, until you've had the exclusivity talk, they assume it's a given that multiple partners are allowed. Just let him know he's important to you and that you'd like to know how he sees things developing between you in the future, because you'd like to be an exclusive couple. It's hard to stay light about these subjects -- especially when the frustration level has built up from not asking questions sooner. But I'd say to give him the benefit of the doubt and bring it up assuming this will be a positive step forward in your relationship.
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