Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Hi so my ex of 8 months ended things at the end of November. I had started nagging her on little things I considered disrespectful towards me (like flirting with coworkers in front of me and lack of communication about concerns in the relationship) she ended things and said I didn't appreciate her. After a week of initial break up things occurred to me and I asked we speak in person since the break up happened via texts. I told her I realized that I was acting out of fear subconsciously because the dynamic between us seemed too good, better than most relationships I've seen. She agreed but she's stubborn and stuck to her decision. I never begged or pleaded and merely said "ok I'm not going to try convincing you to be with me" then changed the mood into a good one. Things seemed promising but she instantly reverted back to her decision. I did a month no contact and reached back out, she seemed happy to hear from me but instantly wanted to mention she was with someone she was serious about and how he was making her "very happy" I said "congratulations time to get married!" Which she replied "maybe" I then said "nice I'll be the best man" she laughed and I changed the subject. Then later on she flips out on me claiming I used her! This was very shocking and then she says she didn't think she'd hear from me anymore and I asked why I thought that's what she wanted so I backed off. She replied "you're right I don't have anything to say I'm with someone who makes me very happy and there isn't a chance of us getting back together" I replied "lol I think it's funny how someone you just met is making you very happy but ok all power to it :)" this made her very angry. She threatened to block my number and to stop texting her. I waited a week and 1/2 and sent an apology email using the "clean slate method" she texted thanking me for the apology and said we can be friends as long as I'm not trying to win her back. I said I just care about her and rather we stay on good terms. She agreed. I'd initiate small texting every couple to few days to which shed reply but as soon as I tried taking the conversation deeper (normal topics nothing serious or about old relationship) she'd stop replying. Finally we ended up talking about her dog and I said "speaking of (dog's name) we should take him for a walk and do a little catching up, would you be up for that?" She replies "I'm sorry I don't think that's a good idea yet" I said "no worries that's understandable. Don't be shy to suggest it sometime though!" She replies "I hear you. I want to share all the stuff that's been happening but I don't want to make you feel ****ty. So I think you need to be removed from it so you can be happy for me instead of hurt" I then reply "omg you sold (her dog's name)! Lol. No worries just remember if you need an ear I'm here for you" And I don't plan on getting in touch anymore unless she initiates. My question is, how'd I handle that with my responses? And another, she made it sound like she was engaged or met the man of her dreams! In two months? I know there wasn't anyone when we were together because she was on Match.com a month after the break up. Do I just leave her be or keep contact while she's in this relationship?
PegNosePete Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Look, you need to stop harassing her. She has told you in no uncertain terms, many, many times, that she is not interested in a relationship with you. What will it take for you to wake up and smell the coffee? Cue the Frozen theme tune. LET IT GO. 1
Chi townD Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Leave her alone and move on dude. She isn't interested and she just being nice, but she sounds every strained with talking to you rather than more comfortable. Time to move on, dude. 2
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Consider yourself extremely lucky. She is being completely honest with you. No games, no mind twisting. She has zero interest in anything to do with you. She is being polite. If you ever try to contact her again, you will look like an idiot and any shred of respect she has for you will vanish. Clear as day: Move on. 1
Author Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Yeah I can't help but feel foolish because I was following a guide online that instructed doing no contact for a while then reaching out and trying to open lines of communication especially knowing how stubborn she is and felt she wouldn't have reached out if she wanted to. It's just I know I'm not needy or desperate and I hate that I may have come across that way even if I never begged, pleaded, asked for a second chance. I was reaching out and that may have been enough to send wrong signal. I feel like now I'm living in that regret more than the pain of the actual break up. Edited March 9, 2015 by Lustinlove
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Nothing you did was "wrong" per se... The thing you have to understand is that NC should never be used as a game piece. It never works that way. NC is a healing tool and nothing more. Your ex, although painful, is showing a lot of class in how she is treating the breakup. She is not playing games and there are a *TON* of people on these boards that wished their ex's would have done the same. The best thing you can do is now use NC to heal. Nobody can predict the future, and who knows what the future regarding her will bring? What you need to do is get to a point where you no longer care.... and NC will get you there. I know it's rough, as I have broken NC a ton with my last ex and it set's me back every time. The odd thing is that I went NC with my ex wife of 17 years for a year after the divorce. We are now extremely close friends. NC truly got me to the stage of indifference with her. 1
Author Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks man. What confused me to keep in touch was she said things like "I didn't think I'd hear from you anymore" and that she felt I never cared about her so of course it made me feel well I need to show I did/do in a friendly way now. But I can't help but feel I only made things worse and pushed her away. What's funny is when she first mentioned she was seeing someone she kept saying numerous times that he's making her "very happy" I kept thinking ok why does she keep bringing this up? Good for her. Then she flipped out on me when I finally said "that's funny someone you just met is already making you happy" she told me to go f*ck myself and lose her number and threatened to block my number. But she didn't.
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 The hardest thing about a breakup is trying to determine intentions. It flat out sucks, because if you are wrong it hurts 10 fold. From reading her communications you have posted, I don't doubt that she feels "bad" and even a little "guilty" about everything. Her lashing out is indicative of someone trying to shed guilt by "demonizing" you. It's horrible the way some people can do that, but a lot do. Take solace in knowing that you did not "push her away". She was already going to walk that path regardless of what you did or did not do. Some women are absolutely brutal in their ability to "shut off". While your ex seems to have done that, I have to be honest and tell you that she is being a pretty big person by being completely honest with you. It shows she has character and integrity. Regarding the new guy, who know's just how happy she is? It could be a rebound, or it could be a life partner. What you have to do is worry only about you right now. If you hear from her again, play it by ear. But, do not think you will. You will torture yourself in doing so.
Author Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks frigginlost for the insight. It's hard to see things objectively when you're caught up in the emotions and break up dust. This has been a tough one because in the relationship I know I lacked to show some qualities that were needed and she felt I was going to leave her. I remember just a week before the break up she said "I need to feel like you're not going to leave every 5 min" Then a week later I had nagged about something and that's when she pulled the plug. Maybe I was scared of commitment and didn't realize till after but I suppose the damage had been done even if I explained afterwards. Probably why I'm dwelling on this one so much.
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 If I had a nickel for every thing "I should have said or done" regarding my ex and the "clues" I missed, I'd be a rich man. What you're feeling is completely normal, but as time goes by, you're going to realize that it was not any "one thing" that you did. You're going to start seeing red flags regarding a lot of things. Some you could control, and some you could not. Some on your side, and some on hers. What you do, is take that info and file it inside you as things to make the next go around with a girl that much better. I can tell you, that if she thought you were afraid of a commitment, being needy is going to appear "reactionary" to her. When a child stops playing with a toy (loses interest) is it not funny how important that toy is to them when it is taken away? She see's your dedication right now as nothing more than a reaction to a toy being taken away. Go No Contact. Want to show her a commitment? Go live your life as a happy, single guy, that did not allow a roadblock to alter his path of happiness. Heal yourself and then show her that you did indeed learn through your mistakes by letting her see the smile on your next girlfriend. Let the future play out.
Author Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Nice. Actually I was the one who realized I was afraid of commitment. I only realized after the break up. Asked to meet up and talk and explained I was pushing her buttons due to fear because things just seemed too good to be true between us which she had always said but I'd brush off. We never fought or anything until the end. When I explained all that she told me she's glad I was mature enough to realize but she was already hurt and sticking to her decision. But as time went on it kept eating away at me that I may have caused this. When I did reach out after a month of no contact I was my usual playful teasing self. I never once showed sadness or desperation and maybe that pissed her off I don't know. I know it annoyed girls in the past that I was quick to be myself after a break up. But she was the one who kept putting the brakes when a conversation steered deeper than surface talk. I think over all I'm glad we came to being on "good terms" felt like a load off my chest since I know how stubborn she is and full of pride (noticed with her interactions with friends and family) Edited March 9, 2015 by Lustinlove
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Don't fool yourself. Women can pick up on commitment fears before a Man can even spell it. Her verifying that you realize it, tells me she had that feather in her break-up cap. *Don't* beat yourself up over it. It's *never* one thing that ends a relationship. Like a plane crash, it's always a chain of events. These events will start to show themselves as time passes. Did your "upbeat" tone annoy her? Probably. Who wants to be thought of as someone who meant nothing during a breakup? You probably bruised her ego. But so what? She had already pulled the pin on the grenade. The explosion afterward is expected. How she processes that is of no concern to you. Your heart was the one shattered. As long your reaction to it is not violent, or sickening, then don't sweat how she feels about it. Continue to be upbeat and yourself. Her loss. Being upbeat does not push someone away. Remember that. Honestly, being on good terms does not mean much 4 months after a break-up. You are in for loads more of flip-flopping of feelings. And it's all normal. Just remember to stay No Contact and that you come first now. Edited March 9, 2015 by frigginlost
Author Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks man. It's funny I just remembered some red flags now. Like she wanted me to move in only 3 months into the relationship and even said I wouldn't have to pay rent. She kept enticing me saying she'd just love having me around. I told her the mature thing would be to wait a year especially since she lived a little over an hour away and I'd be giving up my life here for someone I'd just met. She agreed but maybe it made her feel I wasn't serious I don't know. Another was she wasn't close to her parents and considered her friends family. They of course had their doubts about me which shed mention but always say "but it doesn't matter what they think" Maybe I had no chance lol
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Yup, and more red flags are going to start showing. From what you have posted you seem to be a normal guy with a broken heart looking anywhere for answers to why. When you don't find them, you start to look inward and reach for answers pulling only the bad to satisfy the breakup reason. Again normal. When my ex cheated on me, I actually looked for reasons on how I caused it and started blaming myself as she was a master manipulator. How f'd up is that?!? And a 3 month move in schedule is a huge red flag. You did the right thing by wanting to wait a year. Not being close to her parents is not a bad thing, unless there was an abuse issue... Everybody has a chance. Only time can say if it's a good one. Be thankful it was only 8 months before this all came to bear. Eight years down the road and you would be getting fitted for a Straight-Jacket. Edited March 9, 2015 by frigginlost
Author Lustinlove Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thing with her parents and why I mention it is she didn't talk to her mom and cut her out of her life for what she claims was emotional abuse, things never being good enough for her mom. Her dad was and still is aloof, constantly ignoring her or blowing off plans. She tries to hide it but it definitely affects her. She puts on a happy facade to convince herself and others that things are peachy.
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