Maximboi23 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 First I would like to apologize for the amount of posts I have on here but people around me are tired of hearing me and seeing me this way. To refresh, me and my fiancé of 3 years broke up and it's been about 4 months and it has been tely hard for me to focus and move on. I have joined the gym and lost like 30lbs and feel good about that and have lost my appetite from our break up and just work to keep busy. I got a second job to work on my days off so I am not home thinking bout her. I have been in therapy for many years and still go and we talk about this and it doesn't really help my mind. I even took her to some of my sessions in therapy and have never done that with any other girl I was with ever. So we broke up because I was scared of committing the next step which was marriage. I don't know what it was but maybe I should have told her I need a couple weeks alone to myself to think things over instead of pushing her away and not wanting her. She found someone else I guess and just moved on so quickly I was so shocked and heartbroken. Her son and her where my whole world and I loved them both to death. Now not only did I lose my best friend and my fiancé I lost her son too and that's a lot to lose when I think about it. I wake up with her on my mind and throughout the day and at night and even in my dreams. I avoid going certain places so I don't have to see it and be triggered with sadness that I went to those places With her. It like hurts me so much. I wish I never took her for granted and pushed her away. Our relationship was never strong I can say because we broke up a few times and got into arguments but we would always make our way back to eachother. I recently broke nc by accident when I got a facebook recommendation email and surprisingly it was the guy she is she seeing. I clicked on it and saw pics of them and happy and all that and even pictures of her and him and her son which hurt more. It broke me apart for days and even to now as I am writing this. I have been talking to someone and hanging out with her but everytime I was with her I think of my fiancé and get quiet and emotional inside. I was cleaning my closet last night and I stumbled upon a box and I opened it and went through it and saw cards she has given me. I read each one and started crying and emotional and tears were falling all over the cards. Things that were said and how much she loved me and would never leave me ever and how I am such a great man and very warm hearted and love her so much. She said she would grow old with me and reading them hurt me so much and tore me apart. Maybe I deserve this for taking her for granted and having depression and what not. Maybe I am to blame for all this falling apart. I just wish I can take it all back and fix it. I have grown from this and have changed but it's to late. I am a nice guy and offer so much and go out of my way for her and anyone but it was never enough. Wish this feeling would leave me alone and I can be strong But seems too far out of reach. I wish I was still by her side.
sabd Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Max, in your previous posts you say that you suffer from depression. Are you on any medication for this and if so, is your dosage correct? I'm asking because after 4 months, with all the work you've put in, you should be making at least *some* progress with your healing and it sounds instead like you are very stuck. Can you talk to your therapist about meds to help you? 1
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated. Yes I am on antidepressants and anti anxiety but I have suffered from This for a long time and have gone through many medications. Currently seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. Feels like I am a lost cause
sabd Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Nah, you're not a lost cause, promise I'd chat to your psychiatrist and see if he/she thinks your meds should be adjusted. 2
KBarletta Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Max, Sorry to hear you are hurting. It's natural to be hurt, but you need to do a few things, IMO, to move forward and be stronger. 1. The first thing is, let go of the blame you are carrying around toward yourself. Yes, some of this is probably your fault. And, yes, you probably made some mistakes in the relationship that you'd like to go back and fix. But you can't. So holding on to that hurt does you no good. Instead (maybe with the help of your therapist) identify what you think those issues were, work on fixing them within yourself so you come out a stronger, wiser person. But continuing to blame yourself will only hurt you more. 2. Get strict about NC. No more checking Facebook, no more looking at pictures and cards. These will only rip at the wounds that are healing. Take all the reminders and box them up far out of sight. Stay off of social media as much as possible. Get out and talk to real people - spend time with friends and family. If someone on Facebook reminds you of her, block them or delete them. 3. Take care of yourself. You say you've lost weight, but if it's because you're not eating right, that's not good. Make sure you eat well, drink a lot of water, get enough sleep, etc. Don't stay up at night and think about her. Try to take more control of your own thoughts (again, therapy can help you with tools to accomplish this). Hang in there! KTB 2
Emma1234 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I just want to say that I admire your motivation for moving on with you life and working out etc. Also, 4 months is nothing I promise, especially as you're trying to get over the loss of her and someone who was like a son to you. You're going to have good days and bad days, keep going, be gentle with yourself but also keep pushing yourself. Every time you see your therapist remember that it is another week you have got through. You will be fine, it might take another 4 months, it might take a year or it might take 2 years. But eventually you'll be fine and you'll see that this was actually a good thing. Don't blame yourself at all, it sounds to me as though you haven't done anything wrong, especially not compared to most ex's around here. If you still feel like blaming yourself remind yourself that it is a lesson, and that next time you're with someone (and you will be with someone), you'll remember this lesson. Don't waste these next months/years etc. live your life, do the things you've always wanted to do. I know it hurts and it's not easy but THIS WILL PASS. It always does, it's human nature. Writing down things you're grateful for helps, I know it sounds silly but it allows you to shift your perspective for 5 minutes or so. 1
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks guys. Your replies are all much appreciated. I have stored away all the cards and blocked her and her new bf on facebook. It is just so hard to look forward and move on. I can't let go because it will hurt me so much to fully accept that she is fully gone and our memories all ereased. God I hate myself for making her leave me. I just have no appetite to eat or do anything. I push myself really hard to go to gym everyday and go to work and hang with friends. Friends always try to cheer me up and dates that I go on but she never leaves my mind and my heart. It is getting worse rather than healing. I cry alpt still after 4 months and therapy and meds aren't helping me. I wish I never met her
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Emma thank you. Your words means a lot. It just made me shed tears right now when I saw that you said he was like a son to me. I miss him so much and how he used to jump into my arms when I came over and kissed me and laughed and was so happy and she took him away from me too and that kills me as I think bout it. But I will push and move forward to my best abilities.
KBarletta Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Thanks guys. Your replies are all much appreciated. I have stored away all the cards and blocked her and her new bf on facebook. It is just so hard to look forward and move on. I can't let go because it will hurt me so much to fully accept that she is fully gone and our memories all ereased. God I hate myself for making her leave me. I just have no appetite to eat or do anything. I push myself really hard to go to gym everyday and go to work and hang with friends. Friends always try to cheer me up and dates that I go on but she never leaves my mind and my heart. It is getting worse rather than healing. I cry alpt still after 4 months and therapy and meds aren't helping me. I wish I never met her Remember, as Emma already said, four months is not much time to heal after a long-term love. Also, there is no schedule. You heal the way YOU heal. Don't measure yourself by what someone else thinks should happen. Myself, I am four months in after a 10 year relationship and am still far from being fully healed, so just hang in there and stick to what you know has helped others. I actually had a conversation with my sister about how I was feeling the other day and she said, in an offhand way, "well, it has been four months!" as if that was a long time. Mind you, though, that she has never been broken up from a serious relationship. She married her HS sweetheart and they are still together 22 years later.
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Yeh you guys are def right. 4 months doesn't seem long but I miss her so much and prolonging this healing process. I will do my best to strive forward and try to move on from this. Thanks for all your wonderful replies. This is why LS is the best place to come to vent and have other wonderful people take time to help you and listen. 1
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Things didn't work with her and you have learned from it. It does seem to be a common pattern that guys don't listen to what really matters to a woman and then she opts out of the relationship. I suppose women do the same thing too - the most common thing I hear about that is women stop having sex with men and then the men wander, have an affair, wife finds out and forces a divorce. Regardless, at some level each of the people involved are breaking the relationship up by not considering the other person's needs. This doesn't help you of course. You have learned a lot and you have a new knowledge and understanding to bring to a new relationship. The difficulty is that at some level you haven't accepted this is over and so haven't been able to move on. She has probably become the perfect person in your mind, one that she wasn't in reality. Have you ever made a list of the things she did that annoyed you? If she was perfect for you, she wouldn't have wanted or needed marriage. Perhaps you need someone who is more fancy free and casual - well, a lot of guys seem to want that but I suppose it's debatable that that's what they need. I think you need to allow yourself to move on, not try to but just give yourself permission to drop all this agonising and feel free to look forward. What is making you cling to the idea of this one woman do you think? I know she was great in so many ways and you have lost a lot, but is there anything in particular that makes you feel you can't let go of her? I know it's not easy, but identifying key 'strings' might help you to untangle them. Edited March 9, 2015 by spiderowl 1
ZiggyZoo Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I don't have a lot to add to the already wonderful advice you've received, but I wanted to show my understanding and support. I too have depression, and went through a horrible breakup about four years ago, when my ex-husband left me for another woman after seven years of marriage. I think that at four moths post-breakup I wasn't even as far along as you are. You're doing great, even if you aren't where you would like to be. Trust me, you WILL get through this, but it's going to take time. For me it was about a year before I could honestly say that I had fully accepted that it was over and I wasn't entirely responsible. I don't mean to discourage you, I would have good days and bad days, they weren't all terrible like it is for you now. But I got there. I think it is great that you're already with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. My people were absolutely invaluable to me, and I could not have done it with out them. I would second sabd's suggestion about a possible med change though. I know how the roller coaster that is psychiatric meds goes, but it is a necessary evil. Hang in there, and cut yourself some slack! 2
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Thank you spider and zigy. Much appreciated for Your great responses. Both you make awesome points that I need to consider. Basically me and her had a great level of sense of humor and comfort. I loved the way she held me when I was sad and how she tried to always cheer me up and say funny things and me to her and we had an amazing sense of humor. I miss that so much and miss her laugh and her laughs towards me when I tripped or said something stupid. I miss her so much that it is eating away at me. I am so alone without her. I used to call her like 3 times a night when I was at work and told her my night and loved hearing her words and laughs and telling me she is proud. She would make my Night fly by. Now I go outside my job and reminisce and get so sad. I can't believe she is gone. I'm sorry everyone to keep ranting about her and how much I miss her. I must sound pathetic
ZiggyZoo Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 You can go on and on about how much you miss her all you want. This is your thread, and it's here for you to help work through this! I think that getting over the little things, like you calling her while at work, is the hardest. The day to day stuff that's no longer the same... And no, you sound far from pathetic. You sound like someone who's had their heart broken and their life turned upside-down. That's not pathetic at all, it's human. 2
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Thank you zigy. Your words makes me feel ok. It is so hard doin the little things like calling her while at work. It feels so lonely and I feel so hollow. I loved this women to death and made mistakes like every other guy. I wouldn't have thought my mistakes would make her jump into someone else's arms. They say it gets easier as time goes and you think less of them but it's opposite with me. The more time goes the more I miss and think of them 24/7. She was foin to be my wife and my love forever and was so happy when I proposed and she was the most happiest I have ever seen her. Now she is gone and probably sold the ring I worked so hard for for months and months to get her. Gone sitting in a pawn shop somewhere and taken all its memories with it.
Author Maximboi23 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Tears are falling hard tonight thinking of her. I wish to God she forgives me for all the wrong I have done and hurting her. I never meant to hurt you. I loved you so much and you turned your back on me and moved on. It is the most painful thing I have ever went through. I have had a few relationships and none of them hit me this hard. Her face is embedded in my thoughts daily. Her memories haunt me after months.
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