lohnjennon Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) I just have to rant a bit, maybe a few of you have some encouraging words, maybe some of you have been through this as well. My ex-husband is getting married again. It is a big deal for me, and I struggle a bit with it emotionally. We were together for almost 4 years of which 2,5 married. The break up was 6 years ago, the divorce 5 years ago. I was the one who ended it, as I fell out of love. He was dragging me along, not getting anywhere with his life (he got comfortable living off my money; I got depressed feeling all the burden on my shoulders). He completely cleaned up his life after the break up, and tried to win me back for a year. I never re-considered, mainly because too much had happened and I was afraid he'd fall back into old patterns if I would get back together with him. We only met again 3 years after the divorce. We met for a late night drink, it was a nice evening, enough time had passed and we both had moved on. Another time we met a few months after that for breakfast, which was also pleasant. I haven't seen him in 2 years. We're in touch, like to re-establish friendship once I move back to his city (which will happen soon). We are artists and used to collaborate, and have thought about getting back to doing that, as we had a great work-dynamic. 1,5 years after we broke up he started dating another girl. I know they had a heavy start (him cheating, not wanting to commit, etc), but they stuck together and they have been together for 4 years now. He is getting married to her this spring. He invited me and my boyfriend to the wedding. On the one hand I want to go there, be happy that he has found someone who suits him and that he has gotten his life together. On the other hand, I feel I should not go - to save myself any negativity that I MIGHT experience during the wedding. Even though I am whole-heartedly over him, a part of me is regretting that I got 'the bad version' of him while his fiancé has the 'cleaned up version' of him. Some form of resentment, maybe, that I think I wasted my time having ever been with him to begin with. He's a smart and loveable guy, but with a lot of mental issues. I'm glad he's found someone who puts up with it. I couldn't. I think my current boyfriend would sense my uneasiness regarding this event once we are there. But telling him not to come would raise flags. He also is old friends with my ex-husband, so him not going is out of the question; it would be weird if either of us goes alone.. My boyfriend doesn't know I feel this way, and maybe I should voice some of my concerns to him. I live in the present, but my boyfriend knows that my ex and me shared quite some history, and there is some jealousy. He was around back then as well, as a mutual friend of my ex and me. The whole 'reunion' at the wedding just screams emotional, repressed disaster to me. Emotions and resentments from all sort of sides. I know my ex wants me there, but his fiancé STILL has problems with me, after all I'm the ex-wife who left him, and I have STILL not met her in person, as she didn't feel comfortable to meet me yet the last time I was in town (which was 2 years ago). It seems now she is ok with me coming to the wedding, but oh well... You get the idea... For all I know, it will be great and I won't feel any negativity once it's happening? Maybe it's just anxiety about it that I have now which will disappear during the event, and everybody involved is just scared for no reason? I am sure my ex's fiancé will have better things to do on her wedding day than feel insecurities about me. I probably am overthinking. But I do have a hard time coming to terms with this, and I shouldn't. I mean, I have the most amazing boyfriend who would move heaven and earth for me, and I have never been happier in my entire life. So what's up with this weird feeling toward my ex's wedding? Can someone help? Is this normal? Edited March 9, 2015 by lohnjennon
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I would not go. You're uneasy, the bride is uneasy. It makes no sense to me at all why you'd attend. Leave the past in the past. Wish him well and move on. 11
kendahke Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I agree with ExpatInItaly... nothing good will be served by you attending. And your ex will have his hands more than filled with things to do that day. This is their day: let them have it. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't go. What would you gain by going? The new bride doesn't want you there and it's her day as much as the groom's. Screams 'drama' to me you're even thinking of going! It's just not appropriate unless all parties are good friends and there's zero weirdness going on. 1
strawberrypancake Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't go. What would you gain by going? The new bride doesn't want you there and it's her day as much as the groom's. Screams 'drama' to me you're even thinking of going! It's just not appropriate unless all parties are good friends and there's zero weirdness going on. I feel exactly that, but ex-husband invited me saying they both (him and the new wife) want us (me and my boyfriend) there. I just don't have the best feeling about it.
No Limit Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't go for the sake of the bride. She must be in a really bad place to marry a cheater and seeing the ex will make her even more uncomfortable. 2
cactusgal Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't go. An ex of mine who broke my heart and got engaged less than a year after we split invited me to his wedding. I think it was just to make himself feel better. Needless to say, I most certainly did not go! 3
toscaroscura Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 She got the "cleaned up version" of him? Was that the version that cheated on her? It's the same messed up guy, and I think your jealousy, however slight, is misplaced. Cast my vote into the "don't attend" pot. 4
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 It sounds to me like you still have feelings for the ex H. 2
kenji_t Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't go. If you're not sure about it, why risk it? It's not necessary and it won't bother anyone. Just send a gift if you feel really bad about not going.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't go. There is nothing to gain for anyone if you go.
Elias33 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Whenever he gets married, find a good movie on Netlfix, and watch it. If you can't find one, ask us for a recommendation In other words, just don't. It won't do anyone any good. Sorry you got put in this situation.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I feel exactly that, but ex-husband invited me saying they both (him and the new wife) want us (me and my boyfriend) there. I just don't have the best feeling about it. Sounds like one of those occasions where social niceties take over normal human wishes and desires, they're inviting you to be polite and they're hoping you decline, please don't go and accept and make things awkward! If everyone was just honest about their feelings they'd never have invited you and you'd never dream of showing up. It's one thing if you were friends with both now but if the new wife can't bear to meet you in person she sure as hell ain't gonna be happy if you show up on her wedding day. Just say you have a prior engagement, wish them well and send a nice card if you really must. That's the most this situation requires. Be classy. 1
rester Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I think your feelings are normal and justified, and based on those feelings, I wouldn't go to the wedding. There doesn't seem to be any positives to attending whatsoever.
SawtoothMars Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 So what's up with this weird feeling toward my ex's wedding? Can someone help? Is this normal? Is there any chance that seeing him get married to another woman while you have a good time with your BF would give you closure?
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Send a nice card, a small gift if you must but find anything else to do that day.
dcannon Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 You still have feelings for him. Or else you wouldn't be upset he is getting married again. You have some work ahead of you emotionally.
Hopeful30 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Even if you experience negativity, I think it would be healthy for you to go through with it. Your fear is holding you back from going, so if you dont go, youre almost encouraging that fear. Trust yourself enough that you can do this, and realize that even if you feel negativities, youre a human and absolutely allowed to. I think it would be a good learning experience.
darkbloom Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I think you should go. If your intentions are pure and you really do wish him well then go and enjoy yourself. Let go of the anxiety and celebrate the happiness.
Clockwork Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 When we got married we never invited an ex. Never even thought about it. I honestly don't know why people do it. What's even stranger is if the other person goes. It didn't sound like a very good marriage you had with him, I can't imagine anything on this day bringing back good memories for you. Even if it looks like they are the perfect couple, that is incredibly awkward to be in attendance watching this. You said you have an amazing boyfriend who would move mountains for you. Focus on that. He's your future. 1
preraph Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Oh, that's a sticky situation. So have you already confirmed that your husband wants to go? I mean, not all men relish going to weddings. You might get lucky. It wouldn't hurt to tell him that you know the bride will not love you being there and that it IS her wedding and let him know you feel kind of weird going knowing she would probably rather you didn't. Maybe he feels the same way. Who knows. But rather than tell your man you have uncontrolled feelings for this guy, the only other alternative is to arrive late, leave early and remember there will be a lot of people there monopolizing their time, so you certainly don't have to do more than say congratulations. Surely you can keep it together that long. Avoid alcohol! If you can't control yourself, drink Shirley Temples.
Hopeful30 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 When we got married we never invited an ex. Never even thought about it. I honestly don't know why people do it. What's even stranger is if the other person goes. It didn't sound like a very good marriage you had with him, I can't imagine anything on this day bringing back good memories for you. Even if it looks like they are the perfect couple, that is incredibly awkward to be in attendance watching this. You said you have an amazing boyfriend who would move mountains for you. Focus on that. He's your future. Ignore what I said before. THIS! So much this!
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