aliveagain Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me, third time, fwak, what does it take? 2
No Limit Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Finally yes, 3 times cheating may seem a non starter to many of you. But our marriage was already in a dark place and we have been working to heal it. She owes nothing to me and I owe nothing to her. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes but I believe we both want the same thing which is to heal our couple. There's no mistake, except for maybe you finding out about the affair in the first place. And yes, she does owe you a lot; transparency, NC, or supporting an amicable divorce. What you want isn't what she wants. No offense to you OP but from your posts you sound weaker than most miserable betrayed spouse so far. Some time alone and lots of individual counseling will get you back on track. Your life doesn't depend on a cheating wife.
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Responses in bold below - I do know the coming baby is mine. She has accepted paternity test and I would resort to that if I had doubts. To be clear yes there was 4 weeks without encounters even at work. I know it for a fact (ie not from her...) how can you know they didn't do it in 4 weeks? They are both cheaters and cheaters lie. If you are going off of emails, cheaters also don't email each other confirmation after each time they have sex. You are being naive and keeping your head in the sand. - understand the arguments for outing to the wife but sorry that's just not me the old you is going to be gone soon. The sweet, naive, trusting boy you used to be is going to get burned one too many times very soon. Your old marriage is dead and the naive, head in the sand person you used to be will be gone soon as well. Everything will be different from now on. I have no doubt if she wanted to leave me for the OM she would. From what I gathered from snooping that was his wish. you are missing a big part of te equation here though. She isn't wanting to divorce you for the OM, she is just wanting to bang him while you pay for everything and babysit the kids. She isn't wanting to leave you, she is wanting to use and exploit you. She is wanting to cuckhold you. She is wanting to have fun and thrills with him while you pay the bills and clean the house and change the diapers. That's WORSE than leaving you. If she left you you can find someone else and start a new life with another woman. She is wanting to keep you in servitude of her while she has fun and adventures with other men. She wants you to be her chump and fool and so far you are falling hook line and sinker for it. C. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Yes tough messages indeed! To clarify a few points: - toddler is mine, we got medical help for conception... - I have for some time "spied" on her comms including deleted elements. This is how I found out for her relapse during a work trip when things were still very fresh (this was 6 months ago now). I then saw she was putting distance and cut off non work interaction. So she says she went NC apart from work stuff. I do agree I cannot have certainty on that (and will not even if she resigns) and that then seeing each other at work is abnormal - I do know the coming baby is mine. She has accepted paternity test and I would resort to that if I had doubts. To be clear yes there was 4 weeks without encounters even at work. I know it for a fact (ie not from her...) - our marriage was heading to a wall even before she cheated, just nether of us wanted to see it and this was due to our own problems. This is why we are seeing both therapists and working on our issues. Maybe some of you will disagree but I do see that as proof of her willingness to work on herself and our couple - understand the arguments for outing to the wife but sorry that's just not me Finally yes, 3 times cheating may seem a non starter to many of you. But our marriage was already in a dark place and we have been working to heal it. She owes nothing to me and I owe nothing to her. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes but I believe we both want the same thing which is to heal our couple. I have no doubt if she wanted to leave me for the OM she would. From what I gathered from snooping that was his wish. C. All well and good, but you failed to address how either how you plan to fix your serious attempt at being the worlds most compliant doormat... or at least give a convincing explanation of how being walked all over is going to save your marriage. 1
Rainbowlove Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 There's so many things that need to be addressed. Can your family survive financially if she quits her job? The chances of her finding employment pregnant are slim to none. Also, who carries the healthy insurance? If it's hers, she needs the job. People are trying to open your eyes to the fact that your wife has a habit of cheating, you already know this and are willing to work with her...so no sense in kicking that much longer. No matter how many names people call you, you're not walking out on your wife while she's pregnant - I get that.
Try Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Will not expose to the wife. I did threaten the other guy I would contact his wife if he approached my wife again. He did (sent pictures to my wife) so basically shows he does not care about his own family. I will not expose myself to the further stress of knowing he is divorcing and free to adopt a more aggressive approach at work. Deep down inside, you know that you have good reason to fear that she will cheat with him again if he wants her badly enough, because this is what she is telling you by her actions. This is no way to live. No contact is impossible as long as she stays in her job. Their respective positions are such they need to work together, although thank god she does not report to him. Not only does she work for the same company as her affair partner, but she works directly with him. As long as they get to relive the excitement of the affair every day when they see each other, your marriage will never have a chance to recover. She does not have full remorse indeed. She has from the perspective of the pain inflicted to me, but not taking the perspective of how in the end the affair has brought us closer. This is sick logic in my opinion but it’s hers. Without remorse, you are in false reconciliation. The only major decision she could take would be to resign but now she’s pregnant it’s out of the question. When you first asked her to resign she refused and went on to cheat again with him. She should take time off for the baby and never go back to that job again. Look up the word "cuckold", because this is what she wants you to be, and is following the script in pursing this goal. Sorry to be so honest with you, but this is just what your situation is. 1
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Quitting her job is a way of re-paying the debt she has to you now. She can find another job if she wants to but the easy thing to do is to stay where she is. A key part of reconciliation to me is breaking ALL contact with the OM. I'm not you and I don't know the situation but if my WW was not willing to do that no matter the cost then it would be a deal-breaker for me. I can say that with certainty. I made it clear that NC was one of the most important things in our reconciliation and I told her I had zero tolerance. 2
harrybrown Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Your approach will not work. You will find out that she is still cheating, and she can do it because she is selfish and she wants to keep cheating. You need to see an attorney and expose to the OM's wife. Your wife should help you. If she does not, she is still choosing the OM over you. You are going to keep on having more and more pain. Have you asked her to write you a timeline and diary of the A? You should make sure she does not saddle you with more child support, so see an attorney today. Soon she will have the OM in your house replacing you as a Dad to your kids. Get a VAR so that she can not claim you abused her physically. I am so sorry that you are having pain and will keep on having pain. Good luck to you. 1
RightThere Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 No prime reason is the other wife has no responsibility in this (please don't say she has as she did not keep her hubby in checks...) and I won't take responsibility for what could follow. She could kill herself, this could ruin their kids, etc. Have seen such things in the community where I live... Put yourself in the wife of the other man. Wouldn't you want to know your husband cared little about you, your kids, and your family? You have got to man up and tell her. I can tell you as a betrayed husband I wish someone would have had the nerve to tell me the truth while it was going on behind my back. By sticking your head in the sand, you are ruining this other woman's life as well. Like it or not, you are involved and need to do the right thing.
Author cs2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Ok... I have put my foot down and told her she needed to leave her work. Not because I see that as a protection for any current infidelity which it is not but because yes it is the only starting to point to me healing and her fully putting this in the past. She did not push back and although it will create turbulence in our efforts to reconstruct it is the only way it's going to work for me. I tried to cope with this but obviously this is eating me from inside so can't see how we can be happy together without this. To those who believe she is still actively cheating on me I can't say anything. I will not go into detailed explanation but I know it's not the case. But I fully agree with the fact without NC this can never fully be over, at minimum at the emotional level. 6
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 cs2015, great start, you are always strongest at time of confrontation, give her your demands and if she can't agree to them you can move on without wasting years of your time. 2
truncated Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Op,\why is it that if the om tried to continue the affair by contacting your wife you feel that means he doesn't care about his marriage, yet when your wife tried to keep the affair going, it's somehow a different story? it sounds like there is a whole lot more going on here than what you are willing to admit to yourself. Keep in mind that you and your wife are parents now, and owe your children a stable, loving home. Allowing your wife to cheat by making excuses for her is not doing that. Right now, you a tacitly giving her a free pass for cheating, and it sounds like you are afraid to ask for better treatment for yourself because she may choose to leave. I say you should let her go, if that is what she thinks she wants. You can't force her to stay with kindness and understanding. tell her she needs to decide once and for all is she either out or all in . There is no middle ground. If she wants to stay, it will have to be under the conditions that you need to feel comfortable being married to her and marriage counseling is a must. 1
Author cs2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Op,\why is it that if the om tried to continue the affair by contacting your wife you feel that means he doesn't care about his marriage, yet when your wife tried to keep the affair going, it's somehow a different story? it sounds like there is a whole lot more going on here than what you are willing to admit to yourself. Keep in mind that you and your wife are parents now, and owe your children a stable, loving home. Allowing your wife to cheat by making excuses for her is not doing that. Right now, you a tacitly giving her a free pass for cheating, and it sounds like you are afraid to ask for better treatment for yourself because she may choose to leave. I say you should let her go, if that is what she thinks she wants. You can't force her to stay with kindness and understanding. tell her she needs to decide once and for all is she either out or all in . There is no middle ground. If she wants to stay, it will have to be under the conditions that you need to feel comfortable being married to her and marriage counseling is a must. She asked herself that question after her cheat with the OM post all this blowing up and went for therapy. I was terrified the she did not love me anymore and yes I did behave as a doormat to quote others. Now she believes she has found the answer which is she want us. However she has been selfish in refusing to deal with her work situation as this is the first time she is happy at work (and that predates the OM joining that company as I can already picture comments around this point). But now it is clear to me I cannot cope with this anymore and she needs to choose according to her priorities. Whichever the outcome I think I will be better off. 3
No Limit Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Now you need 100% access to cell phone, texts, emails, Facebook, etc. And she needs to answer all questions honestly. Don't question her without a polygraph.
Lion Heart Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Hi CS, I've read your thread entirely and feel compelled to share a few things with you. Firstly I'm very sorry you're here. You're gonna hear some home truths and LS members are incredible for ongoing support in any eventuality. Read widely to get your head around this world or "scorched earth" as a favourite member of mine calls it. You really need to educate yourself about the crazy things cheaters do. Next please just cogitate on this reflection that came to my mind as I read your insistence that you are 100% sure this unborn baby is yours. 30y ago my wise grandmother said to a group of us women, "it's amazing how many 10lb premmie babies were born in my day". They weren't born at 6 months gestation they were full term! Think about it. 1, 2, or 5 month pregnant women can hide their pregnancies very well. It was a ploy to deceive and I'm positive it goes on all the time. Deception is exactly what your wife is expert at. Next, I am a betrayed wife and mother of 3 young children still at home. My D Day was 12w 1d ago. My WHs other woman (single woman) forced him to tell me on that day or she was gonna drive to my home that night and tell me herself. EVERY SINGLE DAY I THANK GOD FOR THE TRUTH. I thank God that the woman my WH chose had the balls to force that. He surely didn't! Her motives were selfish I found out soon after but who cares!!! I want to know the truth no matter how ugly and despicable it is. It is the very least any of us deserve. Expose the A to the other BS, he** I'd send the photos OM sent too. Others won't agree but I would. OM thinks he's so clever by sharing them with YOU, he shouldn't mind you sharing them with his "nearest and dearest". BS would have some evidence at the same time. I'm relieved to read that you've forced NC with current OM. This is fundamental. It's a no brainer. Lastly if you've read other emails showing your WW flirting with others then she's not bound to stop her behaviour no matter WHAT you do. If WW wants your family to remain "in tact" then she needs a LOT of counselling to learn ALL about herself, her behaviours, the damage she's doing to everyone around her. If she's not remorseful then there's no chance of her fidelity to ANYONE. WW is being unfaithful to her H and father to her child. If you guys aren't important enough for her to do the "heavy lifting" to change then no one else will be. You'll come to realise that if you don't make these demands then nothing will change no matter how many people are in your family. I hope you can navigate through this turbulent time in your life and I hope you can gain clarity about your situation. Best wishes Lion Heart. 1
Author cs2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Hi CS, I've read your thread entirely and feel compelled to share a few things with you. Firstly I'm very sorry you're here. You're gonna hear some home truths and LS members are incredible for ongoing support in any eventuality. Read widely to get your head around this world or "scorched earth" as a favourite member of mine calls it. You really need to educate yourself about the crazy things cheaters do. Next please just cogitate on this reflection that came to my mind as I read your insistence that you are 100% sure this unborn baby is yours. 30y ago my wise grandmother said to a group of us women, "it's amazing how many 10lb premmie babies were born in my day". They weren't born at 6 months gestation they were full term! Think about it. 1, 2, or 5 month pregnant women can hide their pregnancies very well. It was a ploy to deceive and I'm positive it goes on all the time. Deception is exactly what your wife is expert at. Next, I am a betrayed wife and mother of 3 young children still at home. My D Day was 12w 1d ago. My WHs other woman (single woman) forced him to tell me on that day or she was gonna drive to my home that night and tell me herself. EVERY SINGLE DAY I THANK GOD FOR THE TRUTH. I thank God that the woman my WH chose had the balls to force that. He surely didn't! Her motives were selfish I found out soon after but who cares!!! I want to know the truth no matter how ugly and despicable it is. It is the very least any of us deserve. Expose the A to the other BS, he** I'd send the photos OM sent too. Others won't agree but I would. OM thinks he's so clever by sharing them with YOU, he shouldn't mind you sharing them with his "nearest and dearest". BS would have some evidence at the same time. I'm relieved to read that you've forced NC with current OM. This is fundamental. It's a no brainer. Lastly if you've read other emails showing your WW flirting with others then she's not bound to stop her behaviour no matter WHAT you do. If WW wants your family to remain "in tact" then she needs a LOT of counselling to learn ALL about herself, her behaviours, the damage she's doing to everyone around her. If she's not remorseful then there's no chance of her fidelity to ANYONE. WW is being unfaithful to her H and father to her child. If you guys aren't important enough for her to do the "heavy lifting" to change then no one else will be. You'll come to realise that if you don't make these demands then nothing will change no matter how many people are in your family. I hope you can navigate through this turbulent time in your life and I hope you can gain clarity about your situation. Best wishes Lion Heart. Thank you. Need to clarify a few things - I did not see messages of her flirting with other guys. Just him on their work chat being borderline even though she had ended the A and her pushing back but in a soft way - he did not send me pictures. I saw on the same work chat he had sent her a picture of him. - ultrasounds give you a precise idea of when a baby was conceived. My lack of concerns on who is the father is based on her menstruations, where we were on holiday (remote village in another country), size of the baby at the first ultrasound, etc
cozycottagelg Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 So is it safe to say, that if her co-workers wife had found out before you, you'd rather that she kept that to herself, leaving you in the dark? I'm genuinely asking. You didn't answer this, I'm very curious.
SawtoothMars Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Ok... I have put my foot down and told her she needed to leave her work. Not because I see that as a protection for any current infidelity which it is not but because yes it is the only starting to point to me healing and her fully putting this in the past. She did not push back and although it will create turbulence in our efforts to reconstruct it is the only way it's going to work for me. I tried to cope with this but obviously this is eating me from inside so can't see how we can be happy together without this. To those who believe she is still actively cheating on me I can't say anything. I will not go into detailed explanation but I know it's not the case. But I fully agree with the fact without NC this can never fully be over, at minimum at the emotional level. Way to go CS!! I think just maybe you can turn this thing around. Maybe if this experience is what it takes for you to get in touch with your aggressive side and start standing for something then it could be positive long term!
lolablue17 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Expose their affair at work. Send a mail to their boss and report to the management about everything. If you are afraid that she will be angry about you, it means you admit not being in a position to demand anything. She's the one who should be afraid of your anger. You're too predictable, she knows you will always forgive her, so she has nothing to be afraid of. By reporting to her work you show that you're unpredictable, meaning she must think twice before she pisses you off again. 1
harrybrown Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 however to stop any question in your mind in the future and to show your WW one of the consequences of her cheating is to get a DNA test on the baby. I forget, did she already have std tests? I think you are coming around in a good way. Keep it up. Where is her timeline and diary of the A? See how much your MIL knows about the A and her cheating. This is not the time to rugsweep.
Try Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) However she has been selfish in refusing to deal with her work situation as this is the first time she is happy at work (and that predates the OM joining that company as I can already picture comments around this point). But now it is clear to me I cannot cope with this anymore and she needs to choose according to her priorities. Whichever the outcome I think I will be better off. Each time that you previously asked her to leave her job so that she would no longer be working every day with her affair lover, she has refused, and even went on to cheat again with this other man. Now that you have put your foot down and demanded that she choose between her marriage to you or working with her affair lover, by you saying that "Whichever the outcome" does that mean that she has not committed to and taken action to immediately resign? If she has not committed to and taken action to immediately resign and you have not filed for divorce, then you did not really put your foot down; there is a big difference between talking the talk and walking the walk. Edited March 11, 2015 by Try
Friskyone4u Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 You are writing the textbook about what NOT to do to get out of infidelity. You at now in an open marriage and refuse to take any advice on how to stop it. You have rejected every suggestion from people who have been through it . You have a totally non remorseful wife who refuses to do anything to end this affair, and you can rest assured that when the baby is born and her plumbing is back to normal they will begin having sex again . The books are not going to help you because they are going to tell you all of the things the others here have been telling you , starting with telling his wife . You need IC for codependency . You can keep posting but I doubt if you are going to get too many responses telling you to just suck it up and live with it. You have made that decision on your own. Sorry if this is harsh, but most people asking for advice at least listen to some of it.
Lion Heart Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Thank you. Need to clarify a few things - I did not see messages of her flirting with other guys. Just him on their work chat being borderline even though she had ended the A and her pushing back but in a soft way - he did not send me pictures. I saw on the same work chat he had sent her a picture of him. - ultrasounds give you a precise idea of when a baby was conceived. My lack of concerns on who is the father is based on her menstruations, where we were on holiday (remote village in another country), size of the baby at the first ultrasound, etc That's excellent CS. Just trying to "have your back" not sure of US expression for that. Cover you? I want to say that I think you're very noble. I really hope WW can pull her head in and realise she's not going to find anyone like you very easily again. I hope she really "sees" this very soon Lion Heart.
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