mpd78 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 trying no contact, but failing badly it lasts about a week and i get sucked in every time. * She broke it off at the start of Jan after 2 years, we were just ready to get engaged and married * After break up we spent 4 weeks meeting, talking about our issues, we laughed, kissed joked etc, then she went cold, she did the push pull thing. If I called I was hassling her, if I didn’t i was ignoring her. Thought we had worked it out, and then bang she says she *could not do it, need space to clear her head, I gave it to her and then i wasn’t fighting to keep her. * So 2 weeks ago she called and we were on the phone for 2 1/2 hrs, but wouldn’t meet, she stated that she was still in love and that it was painful to see me. She wanted to say goodbye, and would not contact me again, i did the usual plead, beg and bargain. Eventually I agreed and said goodbye. * 1 hr later, she text me 3 times. then an email telling me goodbye. A week went by and she text again, regarding her daughter was so sad that I wasn’t there anymore and what we were going to do with our dog? *She sucked me in and then did the same; she needs to go NC again. * 8 days later (yesterday), i get a text saying that she had to block my FB profile, cause she has had moments of weakness and gone to my profile and looked at my posts, I seem happy and it hurts that I’m doing fun things without her things she has always wanted to do, and she wants to be happy so she has to delete all text, emails and pictures of me, so she has no reminders, and yet again she says she wants NC, which was painful cause 1 of the reasons we fought was because she still had pic on FB of her and her ex husband and also her daughters father, not many of me. *She wished me good luck and no matter what wishes me all the happiness. Obviously i replied (yes I’m weak) and nothing. No response. * I want to get back with her, but this NC is difficult and every time she texts it’s to say she’s hurting, or her daughters hurting and that she has to say goodbye. * How do you win, push n pull and NC breaking, at the same time. Do you ignore or engage???? * Oh forgot to mention she suffers from Bi-polar
FancyFace Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I think the problem here is that you are thinking that NC is a manipulative tool to use in order to get your ex back. That is where you are very wrong sir. NC is a tool to help you move on from the heartache and pain of a breakup and move on. Once your head is wrapped tightly around that mindset, then you wont be asking questions about pull and pull and breaking NC. You will then realise that you are in a bad situation that could border on being quite toxic and in order to save yourself and move on you have to cut contact. Until that time rolls around, all you will be doing is rolling around in immense pain. 2
Ruby65 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Well, as long as you leave the door open for her to contact you.... apparently she will. If you're serious about healing, then it's time to block her access. That means blocking her ability to email, phone, text, instant message and otherwise reach you, online and by phone. She might be trying to come off as *weak* and *needing help* and *missing you*.... really that's all B.S. What she's doing is USING YOU to get over you, with no regard for how difficult it makes YOUR recovery. It's incredibly selfish. She's using you as a safety net while she adjusts to being single again. She's the dumper. It's her choice to end it, not yours. Don't let her USE YOU to make it easier on herself while she moves on.... because all this contact will stop the day she meets her next boyfriend. There's an excellent No Contact Guide posted on this site. Here's another guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com 2
Author mpd78 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 I agree, good advice, sometimes i dont understand the point, if you want out then let me go, im more than happy to move on, hey im a catch (maybe biased there) She just seens to instinctively know when im struggling. As they say 1 day at a time
xinaxxsdertf Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 i found cutting contact it was always easier to count the days. i think i got up to day 9 NC and then after a few more days i realised 'what? ive lost count?' eventually you stop counting without realising. You need to stick to NC, when you are struggling and feel like contacting her, hop on here and get advice. People will tell you no so you come here when you are feeling weak. She is definitely using you, theres a chance that she may come back to you but right now its best she doesnt. And if you do want to get back with her, then carry on with life for now. Be happy, find happiness. And feel free to contact her when you are fully healed and realize she cant hurt you anymore. But for now, you are being mucked around. You need to strictly stay no contact. She will use your words for comfort and always know that she has you there when she is hurting and feeling weak. Girls sometimes use you as a doormat because yes she misses you and everything but shes only going to let you keep chasing until shes finally over you so if you keep replying to her weak texts, you are feeding her what she needs and helping her move on. If she really loves you and you think theres a chance of her coming back then let her go and a few weeks or a month down the track, she will be back. Just like mine come back last weekend after 3 weeks although during the healing process i realised i cant handle the drama from my ex right now so im still stayoing in NC. maybe in the next few weeks i will want to reconcile again but for now, i need to find happiness by myself instead of relying on her to make me happy otherwise its just a doomed relationship.
Ruby65 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I agree, good advice, sometimes i dont understand the point, if you want out then let me go, im more than happy to move on, hey im a catch (maybe biased there) She just seens to instinctively know when im struggling. As they say 1 day at a time You're an adult.... no one has to "let you" go or "let you" do anything! You make the choice to end this ridiculous teenage melodrama she's got going. Block her everywhere, change your number -- and move on!
Satu Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 You might think you're doing NC, but you aren't. NC means: No direct contact, no sending, receiving, or replying to messages. No indirect contact via third parties. No monitoring of social media. No 'little birds' feeding you news. 1
Diezel Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER. Also... you don't win this situation. It's a no-win. She'll always come out on top.
Satu Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I agree, good advice, sometimes i dont understand the point, *if you want out then let me go, im more than happy to move on, hey im a catch (maybe biased there) She just seens to instinctively know when im struggling. As they say 1 day at a time It's not about her letting you go. *You are a willing participant. If you want to go, you can just go. But I think you like the drama.
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 trying no contact, but failing badly it lasts about a week and i get sucked in every time. NC is not failing. You are failing. You are in control of your own actions and it is you who chooses to "get sucked in". You are a totally willing participant in her drama. What do you expect to get out of this? You know what she's like but you keep on going back for more. A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess? 1
idoltree Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I agree, good advice, sometimes i dont understand the point, if you want out then let me go, im more than happy to move on, hey im a catch (maybe biased there) She just seens to instinctively know when im struggling. As they say 1 day at a time You need to think about psychology rather than black and white thinking. Yes, she broke up with you, and yes, she finds your emotional support of her to be comforting. She doesn't want to be with you but she is scared to be alone. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want you to move on before she's found someone new. She is comforted by the thought of having you as a back up plan in case she changes her mind. Those are the reasons she is contacting you, and this is not at all uncommon. Once you start to realize the reasons for her contact, and how responding to them is helping support her regarding the fallout of her decision to leave you, you will start to see that exactly one person is benefitting by staying in contact, and that person is not you. You are making a classic dumpee mistake by thinking that by being there when she wants you, she'll realize how much she cares. That's not how it works. Take a look around this site for proof. You need to let her live with the fallout of breaking up with you. You need to not be in her life anymore. That's what she was willing to risk by breaking up with you. She knew there was a risk you wouldn't want to speak to her ever again and she still went through with it. That's the harsh truth. And here you are, ever faithful, helping her deal with loneliness and fear. She wonders why you think so little of yourself to hang around after she broke up with you, and she's puffing up her own ego because you're willing to do that, so she must be super desirable! Plus she doesn't get to truly understand the good things about being with you because you're still handing them over. The only way she'll understand all that she took for granted about you is if she has to live without those things. She is not going to want to let you go but you must make her do that by becoming unresponsive to her. This is how someone who values himself acts. He does not settle for less than what he wants, and he does not participate in interactions where only the other person benefits. He does not help his ex-girlfriend leave him behind by continuing to be in contact and support her when she wants that. This is what NC accomplishes. And it also allows you to get back to who you are as an individual without her in your life. You want to get back to an even better version of the guy she once met. That will be attractive to your ex, and it will also allow you to move on and process the breakup in such a way that you're able to date new girls.
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