laelithia Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Hi everyone, So I've been trying to stop going back to old relationships and joined eharmony. I was talking back and forth with this guy and we seemed really compatible, he even said so. He asked me out to a coffee date and I said yes, which was tonight. I was really exited because he seemed attractive and we had so much in common. However, I was so nervous for it I couldn't pick what to wear and was running late. We had planned to meet at 7, which he politely confirmed around 5 which I agreed. At 6:27 I let him know I was running late and asked to meet at 7:30. He didn't respond until 6:50 saying he had just parked but it was fine and no rush. I felt awful! Anyway, I got there around 7:15. It seemed to go well at first, we had a lot to talk about. However, I noticed about halfway that he seems to be less interested and the conversation wasn't really flowing anymore. He made a joke several times about how I talk about work so much (I'm a counsellor, I know I should know this stuff) but he had asked me a lot of questions about work. Anyway, after the date I texted him "I had fun tonight! I'm so sorry I was late, I'm not usually. Hopefully you'll let me make it up to you " to which he responded "No worries and thanks for meeting me for coffee. It was great meeting you but I'm not sure we have all that much in common." I was blown away since on eharmony our "questions and answers" had been so compatible, he even shared an interest in psych. Anyway, I replied "I'm sorry to hear that. Was there something in particular I said?" Which my friends said was not something I should have asked. He said "No not at all, but I wish you all the best." and I said you too. I'm just so confused. Did I say something inappropriate? Was it because I was late? I have never had someone "dump" me after a first date so I don't know what to think. Even I will give awful dates a second chance, and I didn't think this date was awful. I'm just disappointed because I had been looking forward to this date and I feel like I messed it up. But perhaps it was just a compatibility issue?
Buddhist Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 You will never know the answer to this and you don't need to. Read any of the threads on here and you'll notice people get gun shy for all sorts of reasons, most of which have more to do with their own insecurities than anything else. If you have to wonder and worry about what you said then things would not have worked out with that person anyway. Sooner or later you would have to be yourself and then they would make the same decision anyway. Better now than after sex or when you got attached. It's hard to be positive about it when you held great expectations but really those Q & As online are just surveys that many people don't answer honestly anyway. They give the answers they think others want to hear, not their true ones. I could have been something as stupid as he expected you to deflect is questions about you and focus on him instead. It's all just speculation at this point and none of it will change his mind. Keep moving forward and forget about it. 2
Mangina Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I do not think you did anything wrong even when you were running late I think you handled it well. I do not think he is being honest and it is probably a superficial thing. E harmony has very few people on it have you tried okcupid? More people on there which means you will have more options. Also are your pictures an accurate representation of the way you look in person or did you use certain angles? 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Trust me it wasn't to do with you being late. If he was into you he'd over look you being late! He'd have given you a chance to make it up to him if he was attracted and felt sufficient chemistry and also felt you had enough in common. You can have a lot in common and still not BOTH mutually feel great chemistry. Yes, most people want to feel a spark or something special rather than just "stuff in common" these days. The advent of online = people affording to be more picky. I turn down nice guys and nice guys turn down me all the time - despite the fact our dates lasts HOURS and we get along like a house on fire most of the time! There just wasn't enough chemistry ^^even though we got along and we both dragged the date on for hours - we even made out since there was chemistry there! But no - me and the guys wanted MORE than just stuff in common and MORE than just "good" chemistry. We all wanted that something a little "extra". The " it" factor. Decent people with options don't just have to settle for the first person who they find attractive and pleasant. That is the reality of online dating in 2015 - I am sure your date liked you well enough - but he just wasn't blown away. Many people are truly waiting for that something "special". I am a fairly attractive female and the men I go on dates with are always very attracted to me and even go as far as to say " wow, definitely one of the more gorgeous girls I have dated"...... and I tell you, despite decent attraction between the two of us - neither of us EVER want to have a second date! And I have been on a few dates, and NEVER a second.... I guess both me and the guys I have gone on dates with want to settle for less than fireworks and a true click. On the other hand - many posters on here don't need intense chemistry and a special click.... They give a nice person a chance if they appear to be highly compatible and they let attraction develop; they at least give it a chance or chemistry to be created out of the mutual respect and admiration. ^^So not everyone will turn you away after a first date, but more often than not, people will. Even with the fail safe ways to get second dates - sure it works, but the lack of any real strong chemistry always becomes apparent in the end. Get a thicker skin; I never get past first dates, me and the guys always mutually decide there wasn't enough spark. The rare guys that have been into me/me into them after date on - NEVER lasts past date two. It is how it is. I don't want to settle and neither do most men. 2
mortensorchid Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Don't blame yourself, it had nothing to do with your being late. You had the courtesy to let him know of this, which is a good thing which I hope everyone else would do. Just think "Next!" and move on. Personally I think EHarmony is a bunch of nonsense. That Q&A is helpful to a certain degree, maybe it makes you think about a few things about yourself that you never thought of before, but ultimately they just match you with people who are within a radius of your zip code. EHarmony is very expensive way to talk to people I found. I tried it twice and that was that for me.
road Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I think you failed to see that seeing a photo and emailing/texting is not the same as seeing someone in person. This is the reason for the coffee date for an hour. During that time if he liked what he saw he would of said are you hungry lets go have dinner. And being late. Men expect that it can happen and if they like the girl they will let it pass. As long as they are not constantly abused that way by her. As to you and him having a perfect match with questions. Well that was on paper. That is only a good start to making a match. Though it does not replace the ultimate connection when meeting face to face. This man saw potential. Enough to give meeting you a try. The way you got this date you will get others. And, one of them will stick. 2
katiegrl Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Hi everyone, So I've been trying to stop going back to old relationships and joined eharmony. I was talking back and forth with this guy and we seemed really compatible, he even said so. He asked me out to a coffee date and I said yes, which was tonight. I was really exited because he seemed attractive and we had so much in common. However, I was so nervous for it I couldn't pick what to wear and was running late. We had planned to meet at 7, which he politely confirmed around 5 which I agreed. At 6:27 I let him know I was running late and asked to meet at 7:30. He didn't respond until 6:50 saying he had just parked but it was fine and no rush. I felt awful! Anyway, I got there around 7:15. It seemed to go well at first, we had a lot to talk about. However, I noticed about halfway that he seems to be less interested and the conversation wasn't really flowing anymore. He made a joke several times about how I talk about work so much (I'm a counsellor, I know I should know this stuff) but he had asked me a lot of questions about work. Anyway, after the date I texted him "I had fun tonight! I'm so sorry I was late, I'm not usually. Hopefully you'll let me make it up to you " to which he responded "No worries and thanks for meeting me for coffee. It was great meeting you but I'm not sure we have all that much in common." I was blown away since on eharmony our "questions and answers" had been so compatible, he even shared an interest in psych. Anyway, I replied "I'm sorry to hear that. Was there something in particular I said?" Which my friends said was not something I should have asked. He said "No not at all, but I wish you all the best." and I said you too. I'm just so confused. Did I say something inappropriate? Was it because I was late? I have never had someone "dump" me after a first date so I don't know what to think. Even I will give awful dates a second chance, and I didn't think this date was awful. I'm just disappointed because I had been looking forward to this date and I feel like I messed it up. But perhaps it was just a compatibility issue? It doesn't matter what you have in common, if there is no chemistry, nothing ain't ever gonna happen! He didn't feel enough chemistry with you, that's all. Try not to take it personally.
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 It was probably a lack of chemistry. Was he really hot? Maybe you were blinded by his hotness and failed to realize that there was indeed a lack of chemistry between the two of you. Don't worry about it anymore, it is over. Another one will come soon!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 You have to go into a first date with the expectation that it won't go well, or you will be rejected (They didn't feel the same) Master this and you wont be let down as much. In my experience though, my first dates have never had a LOT of chemistry (at least via Online Dating), but things warm up after #2 usually. I think the first date is just getting comfortable around the other person.
Gary S Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Relax, breathe! 15 minutes is not unreasonably late, not a big deal. Sometimes attraction is just not there on their end, it does not mean you did anything wrong. We are strangers until we meet... and some people realize within the first few minutes up to 45 minutes in they are not attracted. Don't worry about it... there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you only need to find one good one. So nice to see a counselor here. 1
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Relax, breathe! 15 minutes is not unreasonably late, not a big deal. Sometimes attraction is just not there on their end, it does not mean you did anything wrong. We are strangers until we meet... and some people realize within the first few minutes up to 45 minutes in they are not attracted. Don't worry about it... there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you only need to find one good one. So nice to see a counselor here. I agree, just keep dating. Sometimes it takes a few dates to meet someone who you are compatible with.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Also try to throw all your expectations out the window and just have a good time If you look like you're trying too hard, it can be a put off for anyone. 4
Gary S Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 More information: "but I'm not sure we have all that much in common" translates to, "I'm not attracted to you". People who are not attracted say they have nothing in common, but people who are attracted often think they have lots in common. It's true! People make up excuses which fit their own desires. 1
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 More information: "but I'm not sure we have all that much in common" translates to, "I'm not attracted to you". People who are not attracted say they have nothing in common, but people who are attracted often think they have lots in common. It's true! People make up excuses which fit their own desires. I second that. It's all about how you can best lie to yourself.
Starship Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Firstly, you have a nice way about you. Thoughtful and articulate. The why? Who knows. I have met dozens of wonderful men in my life...much in common but just not the chemistry. Being late? Irrelevent. I'm sure all of us women have the same experience...we could pop out of a dumpster and a man will want to see us again if he is into us. Anyways, don't over analyse. I found the quality of men on Match quite good...found my great guy within a couple of weeks. Not sure about Eharmony but I have friends who found it 'ok'...just not as much participation as Match. Personally I think this is easier for us gals than men. For the most part we just show up and, if pretty and sane, guys will want to see us again. In contrast men need to be more in their best behaviour and overcome our defensive barriers. The 'pretty' part doesn't mean we are attractive or not...but attractive in the eyes of that particular guy...men are weird creatures. 1
writergal Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I agree with the popular response that he lost interest because he didn't feel the chemistry after meeting you. You didn't do anything wrong at all. What I don't like about online dating is how deceptive it can be...how it can distort people's expectations, for what will happen when they finally meet the person they've been texting or emailing with. Reality is never the same as fantasy where online dating is concerned...because fantasy is what online dating sells its customers. You think the person whom you're texting and emailing with is 100% the real deal, when that's rarely the case. I gave 5 years of my life to online dating with horrible results. So, it's a personal preference. Don't invest too much expectation when you go on these 1st dates with guys from online dating. If he'd wanted to see you again, he would have asked you out. Try to detach yourself so that you won't take any rejection personally. I couldn't do it, so that's another reason why I quit online dating. I'd rather meet the guy face to face first at a Meetup, or some other social networking situation, and take it from there. It's easier for me. But again, it boils down to personal preference.
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 It probably was just lack of chemistry. I wouldnt think too much into it, really, OP! Like the others on here said!
Author laelithia Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thank you so much everyone for your answers. It's made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I had thought that I had done something or said something wrong, but you're all right in that if he felt a connection, that wouldn't have mattered. One question I do have though is on initial chemistry/attraction. I have been seeing someone else from eharmony 3 times, 4 tonight as we are going out for dinner, and I was not initially attracted to him. However, he is a gentleman, has a great career and seems very interested in me. Conversation seems to go well too. So, do you think that chemistry and attraction will grow? Unlike my date last night I am willing to give it a chance
Author laelithia Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thank you so much everyone for your answers. It's made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I had thought that I had done something or said something wrong, but you're all right in that if he felt a connection, that wouldn't have mattered. He was very attractive, maybe that's why I was extra nervous. One question I do have though is on initial chemistry/attraction. I have been seeing someone else from eharmony 3 times, 4 tonight as we are going out for dinner, and I was not initially attracted to him. However, he is a gentleman, has a great career and seems very interested in me. Conversation seems to go well too. So, do you think that chemistry and attraction will grow? Unlike my date last night I am willing to give it a chance, is this a good idea?
fitnessfan365 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 He either didn't feel enough of a click with your personality, or he wasn't attracted to you enough physically. Or maybe it was a combo of the two. In the end, it was a first date and sometimes it happens. Best just to forget about it and focus on meeting new guys.
Diezel Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Unlike my date last night I am willing to give it a chance, is this a good idea? It can grow. But sometimes, from the get go, you can tell that it is never going to grow no matter how hard you try. He just didn't want to waste any more of his time nor yours. At least he was civil about it. You should be happy he didn't fade out like most people do. 1
losangelena Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 One question I do have though is on initial chemistry/attraction. I have been seeing someone else from eharmony 3 times, 4 tonight as we are going out for dinner, and I was not initially attracted to him. However, he is a gentleman, has a great career and seems very interested in me. Conversation seems to go well too. So, do you think that chemistry and attraction will grow? Unlike my date last night I am willing to give it a chance, is this a good idea? Yes, it can grow. I was really not that into my BF at the beginning. Initial chemistry and attraction can be misleading and generally are poor signifiers of actual relationship compatibility. If you're curious, keep seeing him. 2
Starship Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Thank you so much everyone for your answers. It's made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I had thought that I had done something or said something wrong, but you're all right in that if he felt a connection, that wouldn't have mattered. He was very attractive, maybe that's why I was extra nervous. One question I do have though is on initial chemistry/attraction. I have been seeing someone else from eharmony 3 times, 4 tonight as we are going out for dinner, and I was not initially attracted to him. However, he is a gentleman, has a great career and seems very interested in me. Conversation seems to go well too. So, do you think that chemistry and attraction will grow? Unlike my date last night I am willing to give it a chance, is this a good idea? 'Perhaps'. Would you still want to see this guy tonight if the other fellow had found you Miss Wonderful and wanted to be with you? You seem like a nice person so be sure not to lead this current guy on too much. If another guy came along would you say bye to this one? Be considerate of his feelings.
Foretold Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 So many great replies! I see many regarding chemistry and beauty. Just keep it up, you sound like a great person. Whatever you do, don't give up. It can feel very lonely at times and at times and you may wonder occasionally, why men are so peculiar. But I was in a similar situation once. Had I given up, I never would have met this impressive lady I have been seeing for over 2 months!! I also met her from an online site - Match.com. Did you know most people today in the U.S., meet their significant others through online dating, friends, through work, or through social activities like church or dance class or something else? Interesting.
ThisisIt606 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I've gone on quite a few online dates too. The funny thing you have to realize is even if he guy looks great and reads well on paper, you just might not find him attractive/ feel that same connection in person. I'm sure the guys you meet in real life and i'm talking quick exchanges in line at a store, at the office, you may think they are cute and maybe you have a lot in common but they could quickly do/say something that off putting to you. The in person "screen" in daily life is often your normal filter if that makes sense. Where as the profile of the guys you read online, you could have brushed off if you happened to bump into them in the real world and not found them attractive for some reason. Online dating is a bit like calling someone in for a job interview ( although you obv shouldn't think of dating like that) but point being, someone may seem GREAT on paper, a good match for you ( or your company) so you want to meet them to see how they jive with you.... and more often than not, it's not a winner.
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