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Have you ever told someone you really loved that you didn't love them?

Popsicle

By Popsicle
in General Relationship Discussion

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

I tend to think if someone says this, then it's true. Do you know if or have experienced any cases where it's not true?

 

Again, to state for clarity (because people get confused easily and start answer other questions here) I am asking if you've ever told someone you really loved that you didn't love them?

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

No, I never did. There aren't many reason why anyone would do that. There is one I can think of, however. And that is if a man loves you but doesn't want to commit to you because of some reason, usually a logical one, like you aren't the woman he wants to marry because of a dealbreaker, like you want kids and he doesn't or he's Jewish and you're not or he wants to marry someone domestic and you aren't. Some men only say "I love you" if they intend to follow that up with action, i.e., following a path toward commitment. So those men who are like that will not say it unless they know you're the right one. Doesn't mean they don't love you, but they won't say it unless they love you enough to marry you when the time comes.

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gaius Established Member

gaius

Posted
Posted

I hinted that I didn't to someone I probably did, because she was the type of girl that wasn't into the mushy stuff. I was pretty sure that kind of declaration would have just made her uncomfortable and turned her off.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Yes. I was in the process of breaking up with a BF of 12 years who I had lived with for 10. We were not living together at the time of the break up.

 

I finally came to realize that he was never going to marry me & that was no longer OK with me. As much as I loved him & thought he was my soul mate, I could no longer stand being emotionally hurt every day by the fact that he never wanted more of a commitment then the one we had & that he never wanted to have kids with me. (Neither of us believed in kids outside of marriage)

 

In addition to telling him that I had to get out because what we had was no longer enough for me, I finally had to resort to telling him that I no longer loved him so that we could break up & I could get on with my life. It was so hard because I had spent the last several years fooling myself into believing that I was in love enough for both of us but I got out when the resentment built to a crescendo.

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  • 2 weeks later...
kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted

Hi Popsicle,

 

I have never done this, so to answer your question, no.

 

It did bring up issues in my mind though, like why would someone who does not love someone say they do?

 

Like your question, it does not make sense to me and I'm still trying to figure out why people wouldn't just be straight up with their "mate" and say what they really mean?

 

I guess it's a tired subject...at least to me. Most of us have been there, most somewhat recently. Obviously I have no answer other than to say the only reason for my scenario is that they wanted to "grow into" a relationship, and it didn't happen. That's not an answer, it's an excuse.

 

I guess your man told you that and it ended up being true? That did happen to me. We told each other over and over how much we loved each other. It was at the point of not being necessary anymore, until she finally told me she never loved me. As in your case? It was impossible to believe for awhile.

 

I have tried to disbelieve it. I have coaxed my brain in so many ways how it couldn't be true, but it is. she simply lied the whole time. Simple answer to a simple question. She just lied.

 

It's most likely as simple in your case too. Apparently people lie, and good people who don't (like us) get screwed. They laugh all the way to Hell. We hurt here. It's OK, we'll be OK.

 

So, anyway, my answer is no; I have never done that and never would. Hugs to you!! Sorry for getting you in trouble back there :-P

 

Ken

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autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

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I did this once in my early 20's to save my pride. I was head over heals and he wasn't. I thought he was but realized I was wrong, so when he asked me I said no.

 

I never say I love you first. I did that with my ex, and it was a mistake. He said it back, but I don't know that he ever meant it.

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TrevorDia Established Member

TrevorDia

Posted
Posted

With my ex, the first time she told me she loved me was after a drunken night out. She got all emotional about it too which was really out of character for her. And I didn't really love her at the time the way she claimed to love me, but I said it back anyway.

 

After a few months, I did realise that I had fallen in love with her, and then it became a daily thing - saying 'I love you'

 

Then towards the end, I told her I didn't love her anymore and that I'd found someone else. This is the most pathetic excuse ever, but I knew she'd been getting very cosy with a friend of hers, she'd hinted towards breaking up, and I gave her the ammunition she needed to come clean about the guy she was seeing and how amazing he is, and it was 'her decision' to break up with me.

 

If I can be perfectly honest, I don't think I ever stopped loving her, and it's been about 2 years now. And having remained friends with her, I think she's perfectly aware of that too.

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kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted
If I can be perfectly honest, I don't think I ever stopped loving her, and it's been about 2 years now. And having remained friends with her, I think she's perfectly aware of that too.

 

Please let me know how "being friends with her" is working. My wife wants that (as evidenced by yet another message from her in my email tonight that I won't respond to), and I can't imagine it being a good thing.

 

You said you never stopped loving her, isn't it simply pain to be just her friend? How is your relationship? Is it somewhat mutual? Does she ask things of you? Do you ask things of her? I'm really curious, I'm not trying to make it "wrong". It's your choice.

 

At this point in my relationship with her, I think being friends would be like stabbing myself over and over. The whole thing is a big stab, and I'd prefer the stab once and die to the death by a thousand cuts. Everyone is different and so is every relationship, so I'm very curious to know how it's working out for you.

 

I wish you well!

 

Ken

writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted

No, I've never told someone 'I love you' and not meant it. I've only truly loved 4 men in my life. I've been told 'I love you' by a few men who didn't mean it. Broke my heart each time. I don't understand why men say those 3 words when they're not really in love, just in deep like or lust. It's just cruel to lie like that.

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loverboy69 Established Member

loverboy69

Posted
Posted

A long time ago I really liked this guy and I felt he really liked me. Lots of tension and heavy flirting between us.

 

One day in front of everyone he blurted out to me: "You love me... as I walked past him." I didn't know what to say and became insecure so I said: "Yeah right."

 

Truth was I was head over heals for him but I was too nervous to admit it especially because I was put on the spot and I was trying to cover up the fact that I was into him.

 

I think I ruined it for us at that point and made him feel rejected because right afterwards he always looked sad around me and we stopped talking.

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Lion Heart Established Member

Lion Heart

Posted
Posted
I tend to think if someone says this, then it's true. Do you know if or have experienced any cases where it's not true?

 

Again, to state for clarity (because people get confused easily and start answer other questions here) I am asking if you've ever told someone you really loved that you didn't love them?

 

Yes. I have. Once. I loved a man more than any other man before him. He was magnificent. We tried a long distance relationship when he went away for work. He met someone else and I knew she was "the one" for him. He struggled because of what we'd felt for each other and the plans we'd made.

I had to release him. I told him I didn't love him anymore. He married her. 25y and they're still together. I've always wished them everything good in the world. As it turns out, they only needed each other. So sweet.

 

Some people have all the luck!

LH

  • Like 1
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

No I haven't had to and I wouldnt ...honestly if i loved a guy and he were to ask do you love me ...i would blush if i did in fact love them so i cant really get away with lying...

 

 

I have told very few guys i love them,in relationships it has nto been me to say it first.... if i was confronted by a guy who said to me do you love me...and i loved him...I wouldnt lie......either way.

 

I think its a cop out though for a guy to ask do you love me and wait for the answer before declaring his own feelings..........deb

TrevorDia Established Member

TrevorDia

Posted
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Please let me know how "being friends with her" is working. My wife wants that (as evidenced by yet another message from her in my email tonight that I won't respond to), and I can't imagine it being a good thing.

 

You said you never stopped loving her, isn't it simply pain to be just her friend? How is your relationship? Is it somewhat mutual? Does she ask things of you? Do you ask things of her? I'm really curious, I'm not trying to make it "wrong". It's your choice.

 

At this point in my relationship with her, I think being friends would be like stabbing myself over and over. The whole thing is a big stab, and I'd prefer the stab once and die to the death by a thousand cuts. Everyone is different and so is every relationship, so I'm very curious to know how it's working out for you.

 

I wish you well!

 

Ken

 

Even friendships have their ups and downs, and when you're being friends with someone you've had a romantic relationship with, the list of downs is extended to include a lot of things related to the past relationship.

 

As for your question about whether it's a pain simply being her friend - I think the transition from lovers to friends was the worst part. In all honesty, I thought that by staying friends I could win her back. The "big stab" was learning that she'd moved on. And being people who told each other EVERYTHING, she gave me all the details of the guys she was seeing - and that was absolutely soulcrushing. I've been through some stuff in my life, but I think that was the worst.

 

The thing that got me through the transition from lovers to friends was that she told me she's happy now - and she couldn't be happy with me (we both wanted different things).

 

Anyway, I'm about 2 years into the friendship now, she's seeing... hmmm, I think it's the 8th or 9th guy since breaking up with me, and I'm seeing the 2nd lass since her. She says she's happy though, and being friends has got a lot easier.

 

I admit that I do still love her, and I don't think that's something that's ever going to change. But she's a great woman and I wouldn't give her up just because I can't be with her. Also, it's important to note that I'm not pining over her, I don't sit up at night wishing she'd come back or anything like that.

 

I'd say we put about 50/50 effort into maintaining the friendship - though I think at times she puts in a bit more effort than me. We even do stuff together every so often when we're both nearby.

 

But with all that in mind, I still couldn't recommend staying friends with exes, especially if you still love them. It is a lot of stress and pain at the beginning.

 

I wish you well :)

regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

Posted
Posted

One of my exes was begging me to tell him that I don't love him after we had broken up. The only way that he could have closure was this. But I couldn't bring my self to say that I didn't love him because I did.

miss-alex Member

miss-alex

Posted
Posted

Have you ever told someone you really loved that you didn't love them?

I did, once. Thank god that I didn't really mean it and it wasn't true.

 

We met at university and I thought he just wanted to be friends, because he hadn't made any moves for months. Moreover, in my eyes he was (and still is) a very special, magnificent man and back then I thought that I didn't deserve him. I thought I would be unable to make him happy, so when he asked me about my feelings, I told him I didn't love him. I thought he deserved someone better and I was also afraid that if I confessed, we would lose the friendship.

 

After almost 9 yrs of no contact, we met again by chance and found out that we were in love with each other all those yrs, but we kept our feelings secret back then. Now we're getting married :)

JohnsonBaby Established Member

JohnsonBaby

Posted
Posted

I did,to protect myself from being hurt .

kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted
Have you ever told someone you really loved that you didn't love them?

I did, once. Thank god that I didn't really mean it and it wasn't true.

 

We met at university and I thought he just wanted to be friends, because he hadn't made any moves for months. Moreover, in my eyes he was (and still is) a very special, magnificent man and back then I thought that I didn't deserve him. I thought I would be unable to make him happy, so when he asked me about my feelings, I told him I didn't love him. I thought he deserved someone better and I was also afraid that if I confessed, we would lose the friendship.

 

After almost 9 yrs of no contact, we met again by chance and found out that we were in love with each other all those yrs, but we kept our feelings secret back then. Now we're getting married :)

 

Congratualtions!!! That's so awesome! :)

 

Ken

kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted
Even friendships have their ups and downs, and when you're being friends with someone you've had a romantic relationship with, the list of downs is extended to include a lot of things related to the past relationship.

 

As for your question about whether it's a pain simply being her friend - I think the transition from lovers to friends was the worst part. In all honesty, I thought that by staying friends I could win her back. The "big stab" was learning that she'd moved on. And being people who told each other EVERYTHING, she gave me all the details of the guys she was seeing - and that was absolutely soulcrushing. I've been through some stuff in my life, but I think that was the worst.

 

The thing that got me through the transition from lovers to friends was that she told me she's happy now - and she couldn't be happy with me (we both wanted different things).

 

Anyway, I'm about 2 years into the friendship now, she's seeing... hmmm, I think it's the 8th or 9th guy since breaking up with me, and I'm seeing the 2nd lass since her. She says she's happy though, and being friends has got a lot easier.

 

I admit that I do still love her, and I don't think that's something that's ever going to change. But she's a great woman and I wouldn't give her up just because I can't be with her. Also, it's important to note that I'm not pining over her, I don't sit up at night wishing she'd come back or anything like that.

 

I'd say we put about 50/50 effort into maintaining the friendship - though I think at times she puts in a bit more effort than me. We even do stuff together every so often when we're both nearby.

 

But with all that in mind, I still couldn't recommend staying friends with exes, especially if you still love them. It is a lot of stress and pain at the beginning.

 

I wish you well :)

 

Wow, your post just makes me want to run all the more! No thank you! She has treated me like sh*t after years of me treating her like gold. While I still have a warm spot in my heart for her, and I don't know how I couldn't since she acted like she cared for years, no. It is not gonna happen!

 

She has "male friends" whom she is in contact through Facebook and other places for years. I'm definitely not going to join that alumni!

 

Thanks for your honesty. I don't want to transition nor to live in that Hell! I am just ready to move on and say bye bye!

 

Best of luck to you! Maybe that would have been better on St. Patricks day, but it's close! I hope that works out for you, it's definitely not for me! Yikes!

 

Ken

TrevorDia Established Member

TrevorDia

Posted
Posted
Wow, your post just makes me want to run all the more! No thank you! She has treated me like sh*t after years of me treating her like gold. While I still have a warm spot in my heart for her, and I don't know how I couldn't since she acted like she cared for years, no. It is not gonna happen!

 

She has "male friends" whom she is in contact through Facebook and other places for years. I'm definitely not going to join that alumni!

 

Thanks for your honesty. I don't want to transition nor to live in that Hell! I am just ready to move on and say bye bye!

 

Best of luck to you! Maybe that would have been better on St. Patricks day, but it's close! I hope that works out for you, it's definitely not for me! Yikes!

 

Ken

 

Yeah, I couldn't gauge how harsh to be considering I don't know you or what you're going through, but if I was ultimately harsh.

 

RUN. JUST RUN AND KEEP RUNNING. DON'T LOOK BACK :D

She's a great lass, but if I hadn't already got through the worst of it, I'd never have gone through it - and I definitely wouldn't do it a second time.

 

Enjoy your freedom, Ken! :)

Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

As a naughty teen I told quite a few girls I loved them. Not sure that counts though.

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