smileyray Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 My Ex broke up with me about a year ago (after we had been dating 6 months). He told me that the quality and quantity of time we spent together was not up to the standards that they should be and that I deserved better and more. Now, we were both very busy and that time in my life was emotionally tense, so I wasn't able to quite handle everything that he was saying, which ultimately led to him ending things. Anyway, since we broke up I haven't reached out to him once, but he has initiated texting conversations every month or so. I'm generally quite short with him and they don't last long. So I saw him for the first time in about six months, this past weekend. It was a group hangout and we barely talked, but before he left he came up to me and told me that he was really glad that he got to see me, talk to me, spend time with me. Later that evening, he sent me a very long text message telling me that he really enjoyed spending time with me that night, that he's missed me. he said that there was a point in his life where he felt closer to me than anyone else. He iterated that he didn't have any agenda or expectations. and that he was just happy that we can be friends again. and that he wants me to believe again that he is someone I can trust who cares about me. Well, anyway we had a long conversation where he iterated the above several times. And frankly, I'm confused. Am I overreacting and he just wants to be friends, or is there something there?
quattrob Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Doesn't really matter what he says, let his action speak for themselves... People say alot of things and most of the time it's just words. I wouldn't try to think what he means or what he's thinking. He told you that he's glad that you guys can be friends again. So take that as face value, nothing more, nothing less. It's too early and pointless to think anymore than that. 3
Ruby65 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) Unbelievable! The guy breaks up with you employing one of the most condescending breakup cliches out there -- "you deserve better" -- then continues to drop breadcrumb texts every month or so -- then barely talks to you during a group hangout months later -- -- and now he's telling you how GREAT it was to (not really) hang out with you and all that hogwash about how much you meant to him and he hopes you can be friends -- just to keep your expectations in check, because obviously anyone would be falling over themselves with love at the mere acknowledgement of his interest? Ugghhhhh. I totally agree with the above -- this isn't just Welcome to the Friend Zone. It's Friend Zone Squared! What a pompous jerk. Are you going to let him text you FOREVER? Cut him off, go NC. Why on earth are you letting this loser text you every month?? I think the only person who thinks more of him than he thinks of himself... is you! Edited March 9, 2015 by Ruby65 4
idoltree Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 My Ex broke up with me about a year ago (after we had been dating 6 months). He told me that the quality and quantity of time we spent together was not up to the standards that they should be and that I deserved better and more. Now, we were both very busy and that time in my life was emotionally tense, so I wasn't able to quite handle everything that he was saying, which ultimately led to him ending things. Anyway, since we broke up I haven't reached out to him once, but he has initiated texting conversations every month or so. I'm generally quite short with him and they don't last long. So I saw him for the first time in about six months, this past weekend. It was a group hangout and we barely talked, but before he left he came up to me and told me that he was really glad that he got to see me, talk to me, spend time with me. Later that evening, he sent me a very long text message telling me that he really enjoyed spending time with me that night, that he's missed me. he said that there was a point in his life where he felt closer to me than anyone else. He iterated that he didn't have any agenda or expectations. and that he was just happy that we can be friends again. and that he wants me to believe again that he is someone I can trust who cares about me. Well, anyway we had a long conversation where he iterated the above several times. And frankly, I'm confused. Am I overreacting and he just wants to be friends, or is there something there? I'm sure part of him misses you, but given his emphasis on unilaterally steering the boat (declaring that you're now friends again - what?) and how he wants you to "believe again" he is "someone you can trust", it sounds like he wants you to play along to lessen the guilt he's been carrying regarding ending the relationship with you. I think that playing along is going to get you a fair-weather friend who feels better about himself for what a gracious person he is. If I realized I was helping my self-absorbed dumper feel better about himself, I'd reconsider being in contact. Yes, yes, mutual friends... that doesn't mean you have to be friends. You can absolutely be short and polite with one another when you're both in the same place, but you don't have to have an active friendship outside of that, especially if he's the only one benefiting from being in contact. 1
Author smileyray Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Maybe you guys are right. I just didn't really expect this behavior from him, as our relationship was very emotionally involved and I just find it hard to believe that he would be acting this way if there wasn't a reason. I really need to move on, I suppose I keep holding on to some hope that we'll have a good ending.
Ruby65 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Maybe you guys are right. I just didn't really expect this behavior from him, as our relationship was very emotionally involved and I just find it hard to believe that he would be acting this way if there wasn't a reason. I really need to move on, I suppose I keep holding on to some hope that we'll have a good ending. There IS a reason for his behavior, just not the reason you're hoping for. He clearly enjoys the ego-stroke of thinking you're still there in the background, pining after him. If he's offering you *friendship* it's to continue with the ego-strokes.... but that's about HIM, not YOU. He doesn't care if it makes it harder on you to move on. He's telling you up front there's no romantic interest, but that you should trust him as someone who wouldn't hurt you.... and he's right that you won't get hurt, if all you want is platonic friendship. But are you really willing to settle for the scraps he's throwing you? Platonic friendship -- really? And in truth, he's not in it just for a friendship either. He's in it BECAUSE you're still interested in him romantically and he gets off on the attention. If you had showed up at that group hangout with some hunky guy who couldn't keep his hands off you.... I sincerely doubt Mr. Pompous Ego would be texting you asking to be friends!
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