Blue_xx Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I don't know if I'm posting in the correct category, but I need some help. When I was 14 years old, I started speaking to a man (8 years older than me) online. He was my first encounter with someone of the opposite sex romantically. I was an over-weight teen and had never experienced interest from any boys ever. With the low self-esteem that I had, this man online made me feel wanted - but also sexually exploited my innocence. I confused being loved for someone asking me to take nude pictures of myself, participating in cyber sex and being emotionally blackmailed. He would send me porn, put me down, threaten me if I didn't listen to him and I even found him asking other girls for nude pictures all while thinking I was in a 'loving' relationship. I spent 3 years of my life being in an 'online relationship' (from the ages of 14 to 17) with this man - but never met him. Despite his stalking and attempts to keep me Involved in this cyber relationship, I managed to get out of that hell hole 3 years later. At the age of 17, I started losing weight and suddenly started getting a lot of male attention outside of cyberspace. My first date ever involved a much older guy feeling me up and me feeling obliged to go with it because that's how I thought relationships worked. The next guy I met sexually assaulted me in his car during the first date as well. In summary, my first 3 'romantic' encounters with men all involved being sexually exploited or assaulted. I have never spoken to anyone in my family about these encounters - only a few selected friends are aware of what I went through. Finally at the age of 19, I got into a relationship with a very nice guy - my first ever boyfriend. I spent 2 years with him, but my desire to control him, and my insecurities got to the best of me and I ended the relationship. I am now 23 years old, and with my current boyfriend. I have been with him for 1.5 years now, and it's been a difficult ride. I have a hard time trusting him, I find myself constantly suspicious of his intentions, I judge him, I hold his mistakes against him, I am constantly moody and I don't even know why. I made the same mistakes with my ex - and I find myself being in a love-hate relationship with him. Undoubtedly, he's been a good boyfriend to me and he does love me and respects me (something I never really experienced from most men), and at this point we're about to get engaged. Things between our families became official yesterday, but for some reason I got moody, and he got mad at me for not even being happy at the thought of my own engagement. He yelled at me and told me that I am unable of being happy with ANYONE, and have major issues. In fact, for the first time EVER he said "I want to kill you sometimes." I know he said this in anger. But I'm at such a confused stage in my life. I find my current boyfriend telling me all the things that my ex told me like... "I'm selfish, hateful, jealous, controlling, moody.." Surely, they both can't be wrong? My current relationship is deteriorating and I feel like it's all my fault and my entire existence feels like a burden to me. I feel like I will never be able to sustain any sort of relationship. I already made mistakes with my first ever real boyfriend, and now the man who has loved me like no other also thinks I'm absolutely crazy. I just don't know why I'm like this or what to do.
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 You have had a lot of bad experiences. Have you ever been in therapy? It might help you to break old patterns. 1
Buddhist Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) I think what you really need is a time out from relationships in order to nurture the one you have with yourself. From a very early age (at 14 you are still a child, despite having breasts) you have been programmed into accepting abuse as love. That guy you were online with raped you, even though he was never there. He raped your sense of self, your idea's of what men are and your body by requiring you to expose yourself for his enjoyment. Your notions of love are distorted and also you have a lot of repressed anger about being taken advantage of. That's normal given your situation. You don't need to break up with your boyfriend, but I would ask for time to sort your stuff out before you get married. Putting on a ring on it won't fix the issues of resentment that you have, and that level of commitment is likely to fuel what's buried in your feelings. It won't have a chance unless you do what's needed to put things right with you. Edited March 9, 2015 by Buddhist
Gary S Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 It sounds like you have some issues. I would speak to a counselor about it.
DoesntGetIt Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I would agree with the counseling. Going to counseling is never something to be ashamed of. Some things just aren't capable of being overcome on your own. 1
kevin stipend Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 You have had a lot of bad experiences. Have you ever been in therapy? It might help you to break old patterns. do you realize how expensive therapists are? not everyone can afford a hundred an hour.
Author Blue_xx Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 I think what you really need is a time out from relationships in order to nurture the one you have with yourself. From a very early age (at 14 you are still a child, despite having breasts) you have been programmed into accepting abuse as love. That guy you were online with raped you, even though he was never there. He raped your sense of self, your idea's of what men are and your body by requiring you to expose yourself for his enjoyment. Your notions of love are distorted and also you have a lot of repressed anger about being taken advantage of. That's normal given your situation. You don't need to break up with your boyfriend, but I would ask for time to sort your stuff out before you get married. Putting on a ring on it won't fix the issues of resentment that you have, and that level of commitment is likely to fuel what's buried in your feelings. It won't have a chance unless you do what's needed to put things right with you. Thank you for your response, it was very helpful. How do I take time to nurture myself while staying in a relationship with my current boyfriend? I don't know why all my past resentment was channeled towards my ex and now my current boyfriend. I feel absolutely insane sometimes, and I feel like no man can ever really understand why I'm like this. In fact, I can't even figure myself out. Also... I can't afford therapy at the moment. So that's not an option right now.
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Thank you for your response, it was very helpful. How do I take time to nurture myself while staying in a relationship with my current boyfriend? I don't know why all my past resentment was channeled towards my ex and now my current boyfriend. I feel absolutely insane sometimes, and I feel like no man can ever really understand why I'm like this. In fact, I can't even figure myself out. Also... I can't afford therapy at the moment. So that's not an option right now. Where are you located? Where I am therapy is taken over by my insurance. An alternative could be to buy some self-help books. There are thousands out there and if you do some 30 minute research on Amazon or so, I am sure you can find something for under 20 euros. Something like this perhaps. I think you are way too young for marriage. But it seems your boyfriend really cares about you. The fact he has said these mean things to you shows that he is also fed up with the situation and wished it wouldn't be so difficult for you to be more accepting of yourself and who you inherently are. Most people don't overthink things, you seem to be someone who does. I feel your pain, because I have been there, and I still make mistakes that I made 10 years ago, but I am more mindful about them and more conscious about my actions. These things often come only with time and after long periods of self-reflection, something you haven't had time for, as you spent too much time trying to love someone else, rather than yourself. You are better than you think you are. Try to find yourself, OP. It might take some years. But you shouldn't be afraid. And also talk to your current partner about this. Be honest with him about how you feel, and your fears. If he truly loves you, he will understand, and even give you the space you need to have a deeper look into your inner self. I wish you all the best.
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