spiderowl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 He told me he doesn't want a relationship. That hurt but it seems pretty clear. However, other messages I was getting contradicted this. That's by the by though. I know someone asked this question recently but I can't find the thread: Have you ever told someone you didn't want a relationship and then changed your mind later? How long did it take to change your mind? Has someone cut you off after you told them you didn't want a relationship? Did you accept that or try to contact them again later? Thanks. It doesn't have to be your personal experience but I'd be interested in hearing from anyone with thoughts on the above.
quattrob Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Usually when someone tells you they dont want a relationship it just means they don't want to have a relationship with you. And even if what they said is true that they didn't want one, if it was the right person and they felt it's right, they would still commit/start a relationship with them. 6
Author spiderowl Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Usually when someone tells you they dont want a relationship it just means they don't want to have a relationship with you. And even if what they said is true that they didn't want one, if it was the right person and they felt it's right, they would still commit/start a relationship with them. We are in touch again and he's denying that's what he meant. I'm really confused! Clearly one half doesn't know what the other half is doing!
acapelo_dp Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I don't think it's true that a guy who tells you they don't want a relationship, means they don't want it with you or otherwise they would commit to you instantly. My ex and I broke up last month(together a year and a half) and it was mostly because he wasn't ready to commit to the next level and he just didn't want to be in a relationship. But he still loves me. I saw him last night and Its clear he still does and I still love him. Sometimes there are just issues in the relationship that would still come up. But the love is still there... I really believe that you can meet the right person at the wrong time. Go NC and let yourself heal and live your life. If he comes back you know it was mean t to be. If not, then you know it wasn't and by then you will have moved on.
irresolute Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I'd stay away from this guy. If he told you he doesn't want a relationship, you should believe him. If now he's denying having said that , it might be because he doesn't want to lose the sex OR because he is now ready for a relationship. Ask him again. Give him a last chance to clarify and proceed with caution as he seems to manipulate you without difficulty
darkbloom Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 He told me that he didn't want a relationship. He started one anyway because he didn't want to lose me. Not a good foot to stand on. He really cared for me but it caused a lot of problems in the relationship. If I could go back, I would probably have listened when he said he wasn't ready. Gone NC. I think it would have helped him come to a better place emotionally if we wernt together. I was young and naive and I really wanted him to commit to me. Their actions need to line up with their words if you ever want a succesful relationship with them. I learned the very hard way. 3
Author spiderowl Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 I'd stay away from this guy. If he told you he doesn't want a relationship, you should believe him. If now he's denying having said that , it might be because he doesn't want to lose the sex OR because he is now ready for a relationship. Ask him again. Give him a last chance to clarify and proceed with caution as he seems to manipulate you without difficulty Thanks, he's not denying he said it, just that he didn't mean it like that. However, that's what I heard and I do not trust him now. It's a shame because we were building trust. Btw, there is no sex as yet and won't be unless things change. I don't want a FWB arrangement.
Author spiderowl Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 The more I think about this, the less trusting I get. It has definitely spoiled things for me
irresolute Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 The more I think about this, the less trusting I get. It has definitely spoiled things for me Trust your guts. He's probably backing off now because he might want to have sex with you. Beware.
No Limit Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Yes, I've told a guy I didn't want a relationship 2 years ago. I've never changed my mind about that. And yes, I did start to cut him off by ceasing contact when he became too clingy, as if he was thinking "If I give more effort she'll want a relationship with me!"; no, it doesn't work like that and it made some situations both weird and uncomfortable.
darkbloom Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 If it helps any, after he told me he didn't want a relationship, he put in more effort than ever. I don't know if this is just my situation but because he did not want to lose me he tried harder. Maybe he was trying hard to want what I wanted. I'm not sure and I never asked about it at the time. I went by his actions and not by his words. But I learned now that they both need to be the same or it turns into a disaster.
Author spiderowl Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 If it helps any, after he told me he didn't want a relationship, he put in more effort than ever. I don't know if this is just my situation but because he did not want to lose me he tried harder. Maybe he was trying hard to want what I wanted. I'm not sure and I never asked about it at the time. I went by his actions and not by his words. But I learned now that they both need to be the same or it turns into a disaster. Interesting. But it didn't work out?
darkbloom Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Interesting. But it didn't work out? No. He said he felt forced. I didn't force him. I asked him for a relationship because I was developing feelings for him and I didn't want to be in the place of limbo where we had been sitting for several months. He chose the relationship. I think he held that against me the whole relationship. We broke up and got back together three times. Every single time he broke up with me he would say that he didn't want a relationship and he was not in love with me. Then he would come running back and try harder. He basically was an emotional tornado that ripped through me three times. I never knew where I stood. His words and actions need to be the same. I would have saved myself so much heartache if I would have trusted my gut feeling. Don't let yourself be used.
Author spiderowl Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 No. He said he felt forced. I didn't force him. I asked him for a relationship because I was developing feelings for him and I didn't want to be in the place of limbo where we had been sitting for several months. He chose the relationship. I think he held that against me the whole relationship. We broke up and got back together three times. Every single time he broke up with me he would say that he didn't want a relationship and he was not in love with me. Then he would come running back and try harder. He basically was an emotional tornado that ripped through me three times. I never knew where I stood. His words and actions need to be the same. I would have saved myself so much heartache if I would have trusted my gut feeling. Don't let yourself be used. Sorry to hear it, it sounds pretty awful. Although we are still in touch, I decided to just get on with my life and not factor him into it. No point with that sort of statement, whatever he meant by it.
Author spiderowl Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Strangely enough, it has made me think if we did have a relationship it would just be for sex. I might pass the time with him for a while but not take him seriously as a long-term prospect. Isn't that something guys do with women all the time?
darkbloom Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Strangely enough, it has made me think if we did have a relationship it would just be for sex. I might pass the time with him for a while but not take him seriously as a long-term prospect. Isn't that something guys do with women all the time? If you went into it with that mindset you would probably be okay. It's the feelings part. And make it very clear if you two will be sleeping with other people while you are in a FWB relationship. Don't let it suck your emotional energy for someone that might cross your path. I regret investing so much time in him and not allowing myself to experience the other guys out there. He is a coward and I am much happier without him in my life.
Author spiderowl Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 If you went into it with that mindset you would probably be okay. It's the feelings part. And make it very clear if you two will be sleeping with other people while you are in a FWB relationship. Don't let it suck your emotional energy for someone that might cross your path. I regret investing so much time in him and not allowing myself to experience the other guys out there. He is a coward and I am much happier without him in my life. I see what you mean, sorry about what happened to you. I can't take this guy seriously or trust him any more after what he said. I don't think we'll be meeting again at all, things don't seem right.
Author spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) I'm hoping for some insights here if anyone can help. This guy has put a lot into talking to me and keeping in touch. In my experience, guys don't usually just want to be friends so I'm baffled by this. Why would he still persist in keeping in touch and make an effort? I feel I'm missing something here. Is it weird to think it's unusual for guy to make an effort to be friends? Could there be something he's not telling me that would explain this? Edited March 14, 2015 by spiderowl
gaius Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 No, he probably just enjoys talking to you. So hard to believe?
Author spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 No, he probably just enjoys talking to you. So hard to believe? Yes, it is a bit.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I don't think it's true that a guy who tells you they don't want a relationship, means they don't want it with you or otherwise they would commit to you instantly. My ex and I broke up last month(together a year and a half) and it was mostly because he wasn't ready to commit to the next level and he just didn't want to be in a relationship. But he still loves me. I saw him last night and Its clear he still does and I still love him. Sometimes there are just issues in the relationship that would still come up. But the love is still there... I really believe that you can meet the right person at the wrong time. Go NC and let yourself heal and live your life. If he comes back you know it was mean t to be. If not, then you know it wasn't and by then you will have moved on. So did you two get back into a relationship or are you still just dating?
stillafool Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I'm hoping for some insights here if anyone can help. This guy has put a lot into talking to me and keeping in touch. In my experience, guys don't usually just want to be friends so I'm baffled by this. Why would he still persist in keeping in touch and make an effort? I feel I'm missing something here. Is it weird to think it's unusual for guy to make an effort to be friends? Could there be something he's not telling me that would explain this? I think they are saying men and women can't be friends because the man will want sex sooner or later. If you and this guy are still havng sex and good conversations you are still a FWB and he has no reason to stop talking to you.
Author spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 I think they are saying men and women can't be friends because the man will want sex sooner or later. If you and this guy are still havng sex and good conversations you are still a FWB and he has no reason to stop talking to you. We are not having sex and have never had sex. I have not pursued this guy at all, he seemed to be showing great interest in me. Now he's just confusing. But, for me if someone behaves in a confusing manner, it's because there is a problem. I have told him he should not feel he has to call me and he says he wants to call me. I've given him every out possible. He's a self-confessed workaholic. I don't know whether that's got anything to do with but he always seems to be busy. Again, I haven't pushed to meet or anything, just can't figure out what's going on.
Hopeful714 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Does sound a bit odd. I have a friend who "dated" and I use this term loosely a guy for 11 yrs who said he didn't want a relationship. They would see each other once or twice per week, have a great time, have sex then go their separate ways until the next week. He would never call her his gf or Go out of his way to show genuine caring. Any gifts exchanged were nice...but generic gifts...ie : phone, crock pot (lol) etc. She had caught him with other women at times. This went on 11 years! We all told her she was being used, so she,d back off but then he,d pull her in again ....but always say "I don't want a rs". I do think he's messed up. So....like you said...whatever the reasons...if it's confusing, keep your distance. Don't waste all the time my friend did if you like this guy. She REALLY thought he would change his mind ....and it just never happened.
Author spiderowl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Thanks Hopeful, I am finding this very strange. I'm tempted to say don't call me because I really can't see what the hell he wants. He said earlier he would call later today and hasn't. Now I'm just annoyed. I didn't ask the guy to call, he just said he would! It all seems a bit bizarre and self-defeating on his part (and now mine).
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